Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

[mummy917]

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

This.

"But I have work!"
"So do I, and I have arrangements in place."
"Well I cant have them then as I am at work"
"I am at work, so I cant have them during YOUR 50% of the time that you wanted, so you need to sort (and pay for) childcare"

I really think that he thought he could have his dream life......adoring kids half the time, no CM to pay and a house fairy who would still facilitate him. Sad but.....hilarious.

“Sorting out the house once he’s paid”. I have always said I won’t force him to have them and if he chooses not to, then it’s more for me to present to a court if it ever becomes necessary.

Don't bank on that holding any weight with a court. All he has to do is step it up nearer the court date and say that now he's settled and got a suitable home for them, he's able to have the children more.

I think I'd tell him that he has to have the dc for 50% whether his house is ready or not, or you will be pushing for child maintenance. It doesn't take 2 weeks to buy basics - Amazon will literally deliver them the hext day if he has prime!

He's not going to step up at a later date. He simply isn't capable of it, barely capable of looking after himself by the sounds of it.

I'm starting change my view from thinking he wanted to leave because he has an OW, to he wanted to leave because he doesn't like being a husband and a father to 4 young children 24/7. He shared so little of the load with OP, and is so emotionally immature, that he had no idea of what is involved in looking after them. He misguidedly believed that by leaving he could have them 50% of the time, so no maintenance, and 50% time for tattoos, beers with mates, one night stands, whatever took his fancy. That's why he's being so stubborn about his full 'weekend off'.

He moved straight from mummy to OP so he has never had the experience of being a single guy in his own place. He may have imagined his 50% off time as recouping his lost youth, living the single life experience he never had.

It's not turning out like he imagined. I wonder how long it will be before his mother runs out of patience with him. It's not turning out exactly like OP imagined either. She's coping way better than she thought possible, and is an inspiration to us all.

Withdraw from being an audience in this mans life.
Mumsnet should help the new independent OP to block his antics out. No need to comment or care as we all know he's aware of what children need practical and emotional.
Clearly he will not be doing 50 50. But he now has you dangling waiting for him to start doing 50 50.

In my opinion this man needs to be ignored. Grey rock. Wait for him to come to you with his sad stupid comments.
At the beginning of this OP was swearing to go strictly text only to this man.
I suggest going back to that plan.Just
let him be. Leave him to it.

Mumsnet posters are making too many suggestions of what to say to this man.
Too many plans of which days he has the children. i.e. tell him he has them on OP's days off, tell him he has to have them half the summer holidays. He knows all this already. Just refuses to do it.

I'd ignore him completely and consider his suggestions for the children that he submits by text or email. You'll allow an arrangement that is regular and reliable. Not all this flailing around waiting for his house to be ready. A house that isn't being got ready.

Can everyone stop giving a flying fuck about forcing him to organise his time with the children because this man's dereliction of duty cannot be solved. The children are in an awful position of having a Dad such as this loser who abandoned them.
Now he's making an attention
seeking fuss.

Selfish prat. What a shit parent. In a few months he will drop the kids like hot cakes.

Don’t you realise you are meant to agree to his every whim and demand and every time you don’t then that is controlling

I’ve woken up to a message from him saying he agrees to the 2,2,3 schedule I proposed, can it start this Wednesday…I haven’t replied yet.

My guessing is he’s drafted his mum in to help with childcare on those days as he will be at work so he’ll only need to do bedtimes/getting them ready the following morning and they’d be back to me on Friday.

That's positive on his part - that's a first!

You'll find out through your DC, especially your DS, who will be helping him...

Let's see how long he can stick to it...

He does love a late night text. I’m glad he’s finally agreed to your suggestion. I hope it allows you some downtime and works better with your work schedule.

Did he actually do anything with the kids this weekend, or were they pretty bored? Also is his Mum likely to be happy being a long term babysitter?

Can you link to new thread please as can't find it .

Is it possible that his mum had a word with him and backed you up on this?

I hope this is the start of a turnaround 🤞

His mum may have had a word with him but as long as he sticks to it, I’m happy and the kids get to spend time with him.

I haven’t started a new thread yet, will do that now 😊

”and what about the school holidays?”

That is a conversation I still need to have with him via text. He gets 31 days holiday a year so even if he just takes a week still, but a different week to when we are on holiday, then that will be something.

Tbh, if the 50-50 schedule is agreed, then his 59% is for him to manage, so I don't think you need a conversation about it.

He moved straight from mummy to OP so he has never had the experience of being a single guy in his own place. He may have imagined his 50% off time as recouping his lost youth, living the single life experience he never had.

I feel this is the situation.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5548239-husband-said-he-wants-to-spilt-up-and-ive-been-totally-blindsided-part-3

This.

@mummy917 You need to give him fully half of all the children's clothes and toys, not just a few bits.
Firstly, because that is fair, and secondly, to cover your own back.

It is totally the wrong approach for them to be taking a bag of clothes back and forth. Let alone taking duvets back and forth.
They should go to him in the clothes they are standing up in, plus perhaps a favourite teddy. Nothing else. No bags packed, nothing.

I appreciate this is all new and you both need to budget for buying sufficient stuff so that the DC have two fully-stocked homes, but you need to get to this position as soon as your funds allow.

Although he might start saying he can't be expected to do half the holiday when he works so it's good for OP to flag up to him that he needs to be prepared for that, or she might find he refuses to take the children and she has to sort it all.

OP I'm glad he's agreed to the schedule. I think you're probably right his mum will be roped in but to be fair that's probably better for the kids even if it does let him off the hook.

Some of the comments on here suggesting you ask what about your time off to yourself etc Id not recommend.

So far you've done really well to keep it very child focused and I'd stick to that. Any discussion about contact keep it to "is that the best arrangement for the kids". You've already shown you're really good at this but I just wanted to reiterate it. Don't match his energy to try and show him he's selfish. He won't see it and it will just make you look bad too.

Same as asking about his share of the summer holidays. That's for him to work out.

This is why it's really good your suggestion has set days each week as you will both have to sort and pay for childcare on set days and there's no arguing over who needs to sort and pay for childcare. His days, his logistics to sort out.

The dropping eldest back on Sunday and then the kids later didn't at all fit with his supposed lack of petrol did it. 🙄 I agree it was definitely so he didn't have to juggle them all on his own. Again if he doesn't want to take them all and it's his Sunday and you are at work that is his responsibility to sort.

I agree. When you are working you have to arrange childcare, if he cant get time off he has to figure it, if he cant get to the shops for things he will have to order online.

I would say to him this is either actually 50/50 or im going to need child maintenance so I can cover childcare and looking after the children for what should be your parenting time.

He also has to make arrangements for 50% of the school holidays, that should not be on you while he gets a week resting at home and then telling you he doesnt have holiday left.

Well thats positive and at least then that naturally gives him 50/50 in the school holidays. Might be worth just reminding him they are coming up so he will need childcare sorted for his days.

I said before he moved out that he needed to ensure he had plenty of clothes etc for the kids at his house and their drawers are full so he could’ve taken half and that’s what I encouraged, but short of packing them for him, I’m not sure what else I was supposed to do? He took some bedding for them and I wrongly assumed he had bought quilts and pillows. I don’t have a 2nd set of duvets and pillows here that we could’ve halved.

Yeah I think he’s aware that if he needs any childcare such as breakfast/after school childcare on his days, then he will need to fund that.