Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

[mummy917]

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

There We Are Then indeed.

Surely he'll have to pay for child care on a Friday if he wants a day 'off'?

My DH would have loved a day every week with DS.

So what is supposed to be the plan now? I've got a bit lost. He will have them every other weekend plus something?

There still isn’t one. I cannot get him to agree to anything I’ve proposed. I’ve suggested 2 days each during the week then alternate Friday, Saturday, Sundays, he doesn’t want that either.

I naively thought it would never be this hard and it’s starting to now feel like I’m forcing him to do his bit.

@BippidyBoppety
Thank you, good advice will do. If I remember I voice record when he starts. Xx

I would be stunned if he actually managed anything remotely like 50/50. He clearly is just pretending. I'm sure the kids would be happier going EOW or something and then he can pay you maintenance rather than expecting you to foot the bills for the kids on his time like a decent dad.

I suspect reality is beginning to dawn in the dimwit’s head that 50/50 will somewhat curtail his dreams of freedom as a middle-aged lothario 😁
Four children are hard work at times and it’s going to be even harder for someone who’s largely delegated responsibility to his long-suffering wife. He’s got absolutely no idea what his life’s going to be like here on in; for the first time he’ll have to think for himself whilst putting DCs first!

I think a short message asking him to outline a rota where you spend 50/50 nights and the same daytime hours with the children and both get the same number of weekend days and school holidays.

OP, please don't get too hung up on what is a weekend for parents. Courts will take working patterns into account when making Orders and weekends and school holidays should revolve round children. Courts also understand 'quality time' for parents which usually means spending time with the children when they are not at school. Good parents want to spend as much of their non-working time with their children when they aren't at school which is why a frequent formula is every other weekend to enable the resident parent to have that 'quality time' (how I hate that phrase but it is descriptive) instead of just, up, breakfast, school, tea, homework, bath, bed which isn't exactly quality time especially with 4 children.
Mediation pre-court might open his eyes..

Op it also sounds like you are still trying to deal with this verbally. Please stop. Message him either through an app, email or text/WhatsApp and ask him to provide a suggestion of 50/50 that allows the children equal amounts of quality time with each parent.
Then push ahead with mediation when he inevitably fails to suggest something workable.
He is not going to honour anything without a paper trail, he will not fairly represent any conversation you have had with him, he will twist or misremember things you thought were established. You need to stop acting as though you are negotiating with someone who has your children's best interests in mind.

Agree with this ^

He is not going to be reasonable, either in person or on paper. You're making decisions with the children's best interests in mind, he isn't. He wants 50/50 to avoid maintenance. He has already proved his own interests (shitty tattoo) come above the children (suitable bedding/nappies).

The paper trail will show you being calm, reasonable and centred around the children. It will also allow him to hoist himself by his own petard.

Middle aged lothario 🤣 love it.

I chuckled at the middle aged lothario comment 🤣

It is all on WhatsApp and I have screenshotted messages I’ve sent suggesting schedules and outlining what I’ve had to give him this weekend.

I have also made the decision to proceed with the divorce off my own back, it’s obvious that will not be a priority either.

I’ve also got a bit lost on this bit.. sorry…. so he’s saying he does want 50/50.. and how does he see that working? Given that what you’re proposing seems fair and aligned with what he wants roughly…?

He is only saying he wants 50/50 because he doesn’t want to pay anything , he’s a prat and thinks that saying he is going to do it will stop you claiming @mummy917 whilst every week you will be pulling teeth trying to get him to take them for more than 2 nights if that .

He states he still wants 50/50 but I’ve proposed a Monday Tuesday with me, Wednesday Thursday with him and then alternate Friday, Saturday, Sundays. He’s not agreed to this as he wants Tuesday Wednesday Thursday nights one week, kids come back to me Friday morning. This is when he would have his “3 days off”. Then he wants to pick them up again on the Wednesday after school and have them till the Sunday morning. However I can’t just never work a Sunday day shift again in the job I do. I’ve explained this to him and he doesn’t seem fussed about me having to work out logistics for my work around the kids.

The 2,2,3 schedule would be the easiest on the kids as they’d know every week where they were at, but he either wants a Friday or a Sunday off each week from what he’s proposing, so never actually spending a full weekend with the kids and having that quality time.

I hope that’s made slightly more sense; it does in my head but can understand it is confusing.

No helpful advice to give but sending a message of solidarity and strength to you.

What an absolute bellend.

I fully expect the Judge to support you re the Sundays you have to work.
esp as childcare on a Sunday does not happen i.e. nursery and school are closed.

He can’t expect you to do every single Sunday, it’s just not fair, especially as your son has sports. If you work a day shift, what time would you finish on a Sunday?

With his schedule you never get any time off where you aren’t either at work or with the children, you’d get literally no time to yourself.

I work 7:20am-8pm (in theory) on a day shift but often finish later depending on the acuity of the ward. My parents couldn’t have all 4 for that amount of time as they’re in their 60s and my mum isn’t in the best of physical health.

Ok I understand now but it doesn’t make sense in practical terms. Especially as it impacts your work just for his selfish convenience. Nob.

I don’t think he has even considered this, because it’s not what is in his best interests. He’s not thinking of the kids or me in any of it.

Hi op who’s the controlling one now he really does think he can dictate everything to you. Tell him his kids don’t come with a freedom pass just because he moved out from the marriage he doesn’t get to control you now. You have to work to pay for your children same as before. Omg you must have the patience of a saint op. I think I would be roaring at him.