Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

[mummy917]

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

When I’ve tried explaining this to him, he said I’m using work as an excuse because I don’t want him to have any downtime of his own. It’s laughable. There We Are Then.

I am absolutely not backing down on this one. He will have to go through mediation and beyond if necessary, because I still need to be able to work. I am already going to need to reduce my hours when I go back next month and that will be in place until the twins are at school.

What a selfish cockwomble.

I think he has very much considered this.
With 4 kids you need a break too

Haven’t RTT and I imagine others have said this, but I’ve seen the websites with ‘advice’ for exHs that they can avoid paying maintenance by having their children 50/50 amongst other lovely advice. However, it likely comes as a real shock as to what actual parenting looks like 50% of the time.

I still remember one R4 programme during lockdown focusing on ‘single dads’ and how hard it was for them to wfh with kids. After the first dad spoke about how impossible it was to wfh when he had his child 2 out of 12 days and the other dad moaning about the struggles of having his kids EOW and nothing else, I started shouting at the radio. Just what is wrong with these men?!

Are they getting worse? This me, me, me tiny violin playing of not having everything the way they want without any responsibility. Or were these men always part of life and their numbers haven’t increased?

I would expect he's insisting on 50_50 because it makes him look good and not have to pay maintenance.

So far he's had all 4 kids once and found it really tough.

There is no way this man is going to do 50:50 but he is going to work hard on finding a reason it's your fault.

One quick way to get him to agree, just tell him that as on his schedule you won’t actually be able to keep your job, you won’t have any money to keep and feed the children. Therefore you feel it’s in their best interests for him to have full custody and you’ll pop in and visit them when you can. Obviously he’d run a mile from this.

He is a completely vile human being.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but 5 on, 2 off, 2 on, 5 off?

So every fortnight you both get a weekend plus 2 days one side with and then without? ie, he gets a long weekend to himself every other week because he doesn't work on a Friday but that's not fair in his head.

Well, he’s making it very clear, isn’t he? He really doesn’t want quality time with his own children. He just wants to meet the 50% criteria by spending as least time as possible with the children in order to avoid maintenance. He really is a Prince among men isn’t he! You are the default parent and he’s just a bit player. I really think you have no choice but to go down the maintenance route now. The exact scenario that many PP predicted is coming to fruition. He’s acting like a tantruming toddler being forced to eat the peas. I hope you ignored his comment about having a rough time with the younger three! I would simply grey rock any texts like this as they don’t require a response. Im glad you are keeping written records of all of his stonewalling (‘i’m not talking about this’) regarding a fair schedule. This isn’t even about him spending quality time with his children, but rather his children getting to spend quality time with HIM. I don’t have any experience of the court system regarding post divorce childcare split, but I can’t imagine any judge will be impressed with his attitude! Is your solicitor aware of his behaviour around this issue @mummy917 ? Have they offered any advice on the matter?

As for the lothario thing you’d have to need your head testing to take on a man with four young kids.
Of course the children are beloved by OP - they are her children.
Whatever his plans are, he comes first. He has absolutely no thought for his children.
I know another man is the last thing OP would want but I wonder do these men engineer things so that the woman has no option to either be at work or with the children?

I think think this excuse of a man/father, is saying 50/50 to avoid maintenance, thinks he will bully op into what he wants, and then shag himself senseless with whoever is stupid enough to let him, ye gods, when reality hits, he will then tell op he has mental health issues and it’s all her fault…

I think you’re spot on. Meeting the 50-50 but with minimum time with them. He’s not stupid I think this is very calculated. And the cheek of him to suggest you are using work as an ‘excuse’… does he really think he can get away this?

@DrBlackbird , honestly, I genuinely don’t think these men ever consider a scenario where their children don’t come with a built-in mummy/nanny. They just assume they can sire offspring and they will be the sole responsibility of said wife or nanny. They act genuinely outraged when the relationship ends and they’re expected to either do 50% of the child rearing or pay maintenance.

Hopefully mediation will help him set realistic expectations.

Have you thought about suggesting a week on/off.

I know you wouldnt want it. But he's not going to accept it is he... so it might be fun to propose it.

Or accept his proposal but in reverse.

That is, you have every Sunday off.

@mummy917 please ask him which one or two weeks of the summer holidays he has booked to take the four children away on holiday together as you need to block time on the calendar. And do book Christmas Day with them this year for yourself - ask him whether he wants Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

There We Are Then

Yeah the schedule I’ve suggested means he would get his 3 beloved days off together every other week. I feel the consistency of it would be much better for the kids too.

I think it would surprise me how desirable he probably seems to a lot of women, 4 young kids or not. He’s now single with a well paid job, I don’t honestly think he’d have that much trouble finding someone to take him on.

Yes, it is literally the furthest thing from my mind, getting into another relationship or dating in general.

I told my solicitor what he’d proposed and he laughed down the phone. I mean, I suppose it’s not a great shock to him, he probably hears of this stuff all of the time.

Yes maintenance and mediation are next on my list as no amount of back and forth will ever make my soon to be ex husband, a reasonable and unselfish person.

Is it actually cheaper to have four kids half the time than pay maintenance?

I can see he might think it’s the principle that he doesn’t pay money to the OP, just to spite her, it surely it will cost him more to have them at his?

This is not my business, but would it be easier for the OP to do one week with her and one week with him? That way he gets his Friday off EOW and she gets a Sunday off?

@mummy917 from a friend’s experience, it was really disorienting to the kids to swap houses during the school week. It worked better for them to swap on a Friday evening after school, and do a full week in one place. Especially as they got older and had specific school books and stuff.

That maybe something we look at when they’re all a bit older and all in school.

It sounds to me as if ex had this lovely (theoretical) image in his mind of his shiny new life. One where he was footloose and fancy-free, could do what he wanted, when he he wanted, without any responsibilities. He conveniently forgot, if indeed he ever knew, that parenting does definitely come with responsibility, requires time, money and importantly, putting someone else first other than yourself.

He also, I think, envisaged a world where you’d just agree to whatever he wanted and had not pictured any scenarios where you’d just say no, not happening.

He’s already realising that his dream of waltzing off unfettered and on his own terms into the sunset ain’t happening. His theoretical new life where his children would ‘arrive’ as passive packages requiring no input (no bedding / nappies / fishfingers for tea / homework / waning up etc) and be returned to suit his own selfish desires is already disintegrating, largely because I don’t believe he ever understood what being a proper parent means. He always stood back and let you do it all. And called you controlling when you dared to suggest he might actually get involved in family life!

Like many other posters here, I will be astonished if he ever delivers on his 50-50 pipe dream. He is too clueless, selfish and unprincipled.

I’m glad you are finding your anger. You can now channel this into securing what’s best for your children and you.

@mummy917 this should be considered in the maintenance etc negotiations, that you will be reducing your income and pension due to your (his) change in circumstances.

Even when separated, you are still a full time parent. You step up and fill gaps and organise so the dc get the best deal. What a fool he is.

Get in writing his thinking.

In the sense of - what would be best for you ex dh (I think he has already said that).

Then a "I see why you mean and why that would work well for you, but what do you think would work best for the children?" text, and then a "what do you think would work best for me?" text, and through these, expose his selfish thinking.

Maybe, just maybe, he may start to think a different way, but if he does not, at least you have something to show a judge.

50:50 is always going to be a problem for him. Check with your solicitor but if you get as far as a CAO at Court you might want to consider an undertaking for both parents not to introduce a new partner for 6 months and not live with a new partner for 12 months.
Using granny to help with childcare is one thing but a revolving door of floozies is detrimental for the children.