Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

[mummy917]

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

@mummy917

So, wait....he brought DS home at 8am and will bring the other 3 home around 3pm? So two round trips then. I thought he was so skint and his tank so low that he wouldn't be able to afford the petrol to do that. Was this all so he wouldn't have to take the younger 3 to DS's game? Or practice, I can't remember.

As far as the schedule goes, all he knows is that 50/50 = no maintenance and that he wants his 'weekends off'. I have a feeling that neither a mediator nor a judge will be terribly amused at his complete self-centredness.

Nothing he says makes much sense but yes I do think it was to avoid having to take all 4 to our son’s cricket match.

Yes I have said this to him that just because we aren’t together anymore, it doesn’t mean that on the days the kids are with me, he is no longer a parent and vice versa.

So currently as it stands have you now got the kids for the next two weeks, or does he plan to have them during the week?

How self-centred can a man be!

Up to now, yes that’s how it stands.

He was supposed to bring the youngest 3 kids back at 3pm, they were back here at 2:25. I mean I’m happy because I get to spend more time with them, but this is a prime example of why we need something formal in place. Because he will continue to just do as he pleases.

You will be needing to be out and about I think, on future occasions.

He needs to process the fact that you are not the default parent, having them when he doesn’t want them. You will not always be there, and he mustn’t assume you will.

I think we all guessed he’d be bringing them back early, I’m assuming it was a dump and run situation.

Has he even agreed to a FaceTime schedule?

I imagine the children were thrilled to see you and be home again.

This is exactly why my BFF had such a 'specific' court order. I know I detailed it somewhere in one of my posts here. I'd never seen an order so 'strict' as to times, days, and 'penalties' as hers but her exH was really having his cake and eating it too. And then scraping up the crumbs to be sure she didn't get even one. That order saved her sanity.

But as I said in my pp too, this was years ago and in the US. Not sure such a specific order would be issued today. Plus, he'd really pissed off the judge.

They’re really happy to be home and I’ve missed them so much! We’ve had a picnic in the garden and homework is all done for my eldest, they’re about to have baths and have requested hot chocolates before bed even though it’s boiling 🤣

No he hasn’t agreed to a FaceTime schedule yet, it is something I will be also putting into a WhatsApp message as he literally dumped their quilts, pillows, bags and said “see you later kids” and that was it.

Bad husband & bad father .

They aren't going to their other home for a fortnight? And he thinks this is 50:50?

As a teacher, I don't think split week is a problem - this way Iwe all know who is collecting each night, who is providing swimming kit and who to ring in an emergency.

Good luck to you.

I’ve read both threads in detail. I just wanted to say how in awe I am of the strong, capable woman and mother you are. This ‘’man’ never deserved to be with you. Glad he’s out of your daily life (even though you’ll always have to ‘parent’ alongside him. Get the best legal advice you can and carry on doing what you’re doing. I’m not in a position to offer any advice, but I have in my professional life supported many women in your position.
All I’d say is don’t give in to his demands and don’t work less to facilitate his ‘days off’! Parents don’t have ‘days off’. Love the ‘there we are then’ acronym! Seems about right.

Let him sweat with the theoretical notion that he is doing 50/50. For example don't accept anything like returning children early, don't make it easy for him, don't provide anything. Don't answer his texts but as others have said, do it all arrangements in writing not verbally. In the end - fairly soon I'd wager - he will throw in the 50/50 towel and that will be HIS choice officially. He won't be able to allege that you were too anything, or that it's all your fault somehow. Good luck. You are a star.🌺

Op glad they’re all home in 1 piece he really is a shitty dad I cannot see him keeping to the schedule long term. It’s like out of sight out of mind. He should FaceTime every night when they are with you and vice versa.

@mummy917
.....he literally dumped their quilts, pillows, bags and said “see you later kids” and that was it.

I think you need to make it clear to him that you will NOT be sending their bedding in the future and that he needs to purchase a supply of clothing for them too.

To emphasise my previous, as this is really worrying, OP really needs to watch her back on 50/50 division of all items relating to DCs and family life. This hopeless man could have - and should have - taken half the bedding, half the children's clothes, half the children's books etc. A clever solicitor could have OP for breakfast on this issue, if the ex says "I was so distressed, I didn't dare ask for the things the kids needed as she'd have been so angry". Down the line OP can be painted as spiteful if DCs are being sent off without everything they need. Yes, it's his fault but she's at huge risk of being blamed. Because life is not fair on mothers. Each party should end up 50% short of what the DCs normally have. E.g. if you own 4 duvet covers, each household gets 2. Terribly risky to play it any other way (future solicitor: "from the outset OP has tried to sabotage his care of the children by withholding their clothes and toys" THIS CAN HAPPEN 😪)

Up to now they are with me until his next weekend. I will offer him time with them via messages if he doesn’t ask beforehand.

Yes I thought the same about the split week - the teachers would know who to expect each night @Cyclingmummy1

@letshaveteathank you, that means so much. I am just doing what every parent should instinctively do. I’m very glad he’s also not a part of my daily life anymore. I will be contacting the mediation service tomorrow to see what can be done next. I’ll be honest and say I’m going into all of this pretty much blind as I’ve got zero experience of even people close to me going through similar.

@GreenCandleWaxI am honestly just waiting for him to throw the towel in and go to every other weekend but I do think his own ego and pride will stop him for a while yet as he won’t want to look the bad one to anyone on the outside.

@Pessismistiche hasn’t FaceTimed them tonight and the twins have a 6pm bedtime, they can’t cope with any later than that, especially in this heat too. I very much doubt he’ll FaceTime the older two either before they go to bed at 7:30 and 8. While they’ve been with him this weekend, I’ve FaceTimed them both nights between 5 and half past so I could speak to all of them before they started going to bed. And I will continue this whenever they’re with him.

When he does and I also think he will - make sure you get the CMS

Thank you, I will be definitely.

The more I read the more it’s become obvious that he has likely always been a pretty shit dad but whilst he was still in the home his failings were covered by your good parenting . At least you are now seeing his true colours , I know you want to do right by the kids but I wouldn’t be pushing for a FaceTime schedule as I’d leave it to see if he ever bothers ( he won’t )

I agree with another OP on here swapping over in the week is confusing for children who will already be unsettled by him leaving. I work with families and heard that from children first hand. If he just had Fri to Sun contact you could apply for child maintenance

Absolutely. OP has been carrying him in every aspect of his life. And he's got the audacity to call her controlling 🤨

I'd ask him when you were getting your three days Off?

Like in all seriousness "OK so whe do I get my 3 days that are child and work Free? Look at the calander there and work it out for me. I'll wait".

Seriously start matching his demands. If he gets 3 days free then do do you.
Just "OK cool well I want Tues, wed and Thurs free every week then".

Be selfish right back. Teach him that if he takes, you're perfectly capable of taking too.

Yes you say.. ok I get what you want.. I’d like the same… how do we work this out?