I think I have to leave my husband

[PlaidJane]

I have had a nice little life the past few years with my DH, we get on well he’s a nice guy generally and we have an enjoyable time together. He’s quite insecure in his looks and not overly confident so I do feel I fall into the pattern of being a bit motherly, you know giving him reassurance. He says a lot of the time that I’m out of his league. This isn’t wildly attractive I’m sure some people would agree and I can find it annoying as I am not that shallow, I want someone who makes me feel loved and is nice that’s all.

I’d say the issue in our relationship up until now is that I feel like I am putting on a perfect persona all the time as he finds it hard to cope with me in any other raw format version. He gets defensive and upset if I have any Big Feelings - even if they aren’t related to him at all. Therefore I don’t share many big or small feelings with him. Hence the plodding along.

Over time I recognise I feel friendly affection for him with our lives tied together in a house and joint assets etc and I wasn’t going to disrupt anything.

I am a people pleaser and I find it so hard to let people down or put myself first.

I have been working on a short term project with another man for some months now which has ended. During this time we got along great, but I didn’t think anything much of it as I knew the project would end and mostly thought just this guy is a nice guy.

I don’t think we spoke emotionally or overshared our personal lives more than normal colleagues, we worked well as a team and had good fun in the process. As the project came to an end and we said goodbye, we both simultaneously appeared to realise we had formed some kind of feelings for each other.

I assume this is what happens to movie stars on film sets or strictly shows, when you spend a lot of time with someone in close proximity. So I’m not sure it’s real at all. I got worried I was in limerance so was working on detachment

We have had one honest in person conversation about this where we shared exactly identical experiences and thoughts about each other - it’s so weird and uncanny. I feel like we just wanted to check we were not going mad and deluded in our own minds? These moments in our minds were totally identical realisations or memories, matched each other in sync. This has never happened to me before. We both admitted we had grown attracted to each other physically but more than that, we liked each others personalities and couldn’t stop thinking about the other. It’s affecting both our sleep and appetites. We have agreed we need to detach because it’s very dangerous

Running off together is ridiculous, this isn’t some big romantic movie, also this is an awful thing to do to my husband. I’d rather be single right now and have none of this hassle I just want to run away from everything and everyone

I think I’m having a midlife crisis of some kind and I have to leave my DH but I don’t know where to even begin to detangle our complex finances. We don’t have any savings and a huge mortgage and the market is terrible right now for selling. I also feel sick at the thought of telling him I’m not romantically in love with him as it would break his heart.

That’s exactly how I began to feel, and have felt since the separation. So much life to be lived on the other side.

It’s actually taking me time as the months go by, to notice some of my behaviours are in response to how he was with me. My new partner looks at like WTF and reminds me I don’t have to do those things anymore.

Its very interesting, and like you say, awakening.

@FloodlightsOnTheSquare I think I’ve been used to living with a feeling of slight unease! It’s become so normal now I haven’t noticed it before now but it’s been there. So lovely to hear of your life changes 😊

I’ve taken a plunge, and sent him a message to say I would like engage in a regular social event (female colleagues) on the same evening when he usually has plans. His reaction will probably be to say yes of course but then when it comes to it, will he start sulking?

You know what’s interesting I am always excited and pleased for him when he gets asked out for plans with friends, so let’s see if he’s happy for me…

Yeah mine went out 3/4 times a week for our entire relationship. I never went out really without some comment being made.

@PlaidJanei think the main thing you can do now is to just to start being you. Whatever that entails, and if it includes any big feelings or sadness or happiness or whatever it is you are feeling in the moment. I know that is easier said than done, especially as it seems like it’s been a long time now that you’ve been suppressing, for him. His reaction will show you everything. It sounds like his main defence is the silent treatment. Let him be silent. Don’t walk on eggshells around him. I think you’ll find that as he continues to react you’ll see more and more of the bad side of him, which will give you your answer.

Im not sure if this has been asked, I’ve not seen it, but apologies if it has. Your children. You say they’re young adults. How long have you all been living together, how old were they when that happened? If you think, honestly, about how they are around you on your own and how they are when in the house whilst your husband is home? Can you objectively think about whether they seem to be feeling the same as you? Whether they’re automatically - and possibly subconsciously - changing themselves, or not being themselves? Can you speak to them? Maybe just a general chitchat when you’re having 121 time, asking how they’re doing etc. I wonder if maybe there might be some kind of relief on their part if you were to split up? I’m not saying ask them that, obviously. But are your kids honestly their authentic selves at home? Maybe that might help you make your decision easier, because I think that now you do realise that the relationship needs to end, for your sake. And then you’ll need to start addressing the practical/financial side. Don’t make any rush decisions regarding this. There is no massive rush, unless his behaviour becomes risky, obviously. And obviously keep all of this to yourself until you’re in a position to leave. Just in case.

Your wording in this is quite telling as to just how much he seems to have made you small, the “I would like to…”, plus even sending him a text at all. Would it not just be better to say to him something like “oh, I’m going to be out tomorrow night” or whatever. It’s almost like he’s making you feel as though you need to always arrange everything, if you see what I mean? It isn’t a criticism, at all, btw, but just an observation. I may have just read it wrong.

I’ve taken a plunge, and sent him a message to say I would like engage in a regular social event (female colleagues) on the same evening when he usually has plans. His reaction will probably be to say yes of course but then when it comes to it, will he start sulking?
I agree with @Itsasecretnow on this one - it's a night he's routinely out, so it's not even like there's a sense that you need to run it past him in case he had ideas of things to do together.

I also wonder about the sulking. I would imagine it's more likely to be a few sly comments - "Oh, I'll hve to up my game now because you'll be out with the ladies and picking up men." or "Oh, so if I go out you have to go out, it's a competition now" or whatever.

You know what’s interesting I am always excited and pleased for him when he gets asked out for plans with friends, so let’s see if he’s happy for me…
Is part of that because a) you feel responsible for his happiness so him being invited out suggests he has a good life/friends etc and/or b) becuase then you get a quiet night at home withou this looming presence? Perhaps a fun evening with your DC or to watch TV you like.....

@Iwanttobeafraser I just think it’s nice to get asked out by your friends! I always think oh that’s nice they thought of him to invite him, I hope he has fun. I hadn’t thought about it any other way. I like to be asked. But also I do think oh this will do him good and I would get time to do my own things

I do feel small. I do. I feel like I have to be the perfect wife. I look perfect, I act perfect and inside I’m rebelling

There is an element of asking for permission in this. I’m sorry if I missed it but do you have children? If not you tell him you’re going out, you don’t ask permission, that’d not healthy or normal.

my daughter is a young adult, who has her own home, when she was younger I’d say something like are you home Friday as I want to go out and vice Versa. Now, I simply say I’m out Friday, often followed with can you give me a lift.

my husband would think I’d lost the plot if I asked permission.

@Thebigonesgetaway I do but they are adults now,

he always asks me in this way if he is going out, he says it’s just polite. I always used to say Wtf it’s weird I’m not your mum…but I think it’s also so I have to ask iyswim?

Do your friends and family like him? Hoe does he get on with your dc?

If your husband is a dismissive avoidant, it’s no wonder you got feelings for someone else.

Im so glad you didn’t have an affair. Don’t.

That is throwing a grenade into your life. you have built up this other man, and can I just say to you, it’s likely he is an avoidant too and this is your type. in about 6 months into a relationship with him, he will start avoiding you too.

Was either of your parents emotionally neglectful?

it’s a pattern. Read ‘women who love too much’ it’s an excellent book and best of luck x x

I’m not getting involved with other man rn please don’t worry

Ok so I did test the waters a bit with DH and something is very off. I started a very positive chat about small life goals, things we want to do, generally enjoying life etc and he was so dismissive and weird. I called him out (calmly) and said you seem off, do you want to talk about anything? Is anything bothering you? He said no, NOTHING, but he also responded that he’s just ‘existing’ and that I knew he was a ‘blank page’ and knew what I was getting myself into when I met him.

I asked him if there was anything he wanted to do in life. He was annoyed by me asking

The whole thing is disarming and eye opening. Because I am not appeasing him and pushing gentle buttons, he is lost and irritated

We put a movie on he played a game on his phone the whole time

They love him. They think he’s the best thing that ever happened to me but I think this is because he is so outwardly inoffensive. He’s not really anything of anything you can put your finger on

If you do split up i don't think anyone needs to be the bad one.

You can both move on amicably if you wish to, or at least try to. Do you jointly own the house?

I hope you will find your way ahead and it sounds like you are making a good start.

Did you only realise last night that you were the one injecting all the energy and love into the relationship? That it was you that was fun and happy, and you were filling in the blanks for him?

Im only saying this because I’m going though something so similar, right down to the sulking and ok, I did this, I filled in the blanks, I didn’t realise it but I do now, and what’s more important than staying or leaving in this relationship, is deciding that I cannot do the same again in the future or I will delete myself entirely.

That book I recommended upthread ‘women who love too much’ have a read and see if it rings any bells. Were either of your parents emotionally neglectful or alcoholic? Was his previous wife very like you? A helper?

Why did you marry DH in the first place?

We spoke again this morning on a walk. I explained that from my perspective I was not really getting much response from him in my efforts to initiate or maintain a conversation and it was tiring and also I am feeling uncertain whether there is an issue, that I’m unaware of and it’s making me anxious so here was his chance to let me know so we can discuss it. He got defensive and said oh so I’m being a bastard? I said no he seemed down and low. He maintains he’s not. But we had a very weird vibe between us

I am working with a woman (in therapy) who is having a similar experience. She came into therapy trying to please her dh because he can’t tolerate her emotions and she was trying to shrink herself to fit his insecurities. Because he suddenly left her and then came back she is revisiting the whole relationship and discovering that she has repeated this same shrink to fit approach in every relationship, starting with her father. And that she no longer wants to do it. That is where you are. This quasi event with the co worker is just the catalyst for a necessary realization. Your life is being wasted shared with this anxiously self centered husband. I agree with the first poster: seize the day. Leave snd look for a real love.

Also: look up covert narcissism and you will find him there.

Look up DARVO.

And it seems that you know your marriage is over. Whether it will work out with the other man is irrelevant. He may be the right person at the wrong time, or he may be the catalyst you needed to end the marriage. But it seems you'll be better without DH. You're flogging a dead horse.

Also look up dismissive avoidant!

He’s joined the same gym as me this morning

Ive been a member a year. He’s not stepped into a gym for 20 years

Run away

You've pulled back and he's suspecting you of an affair I'm sure. Either way, you both sound utterly miserable. Just bite the bullet and leave this monotone facade of a man and live the life you want.

I’m not sure he thinks I am, but he is hating having to feel all his own feelings. He was banging and slamming around all evening aggressively and he’s gone to sleep pointedly with his back to me, I am being perfectly amicable, friendly and non confrontational I’m just not hugging him, begging him to tell me what’s wrong and bending myself to appease him, I went out all morning and told him I’m going out next week and encouraged him to also go out. If I ask him what’s up I would expect he’s going to use it as a reason to explode at me. He will eventually crack and explode at me I expect

Im tired