Have I broke my husband?

[Dingdongdingdoo]

OK - I''ve named changed here as I want some advice.... This is a mix sex/relationship question but would rather it stay in relationships if possible.

Key question - am I broken or have I broken my husband?

Context: My husband had a long chat with me about a month ago saying he was going mad internally with our "lack" of sex. We both work. We have two kids age 8 and 10. Our sex life has been a bit up and down post kids. We had some huge gaps (around 18 months) after the kids. We probably stayed at once every 3 months after this. As they got older its moved to between once every 2 weeks and every month.

Am I unusual that I'm happy with this frequency? I think my husband is a good husband. He has a good job. Loves the kids dearly. Does every bedtime, three school pick ups a week etc. We have a traditional relationship so I do more shopping ironing etc. but he will pick these tasks up when I'm at work etc (he works a little more than me. He could be better at handling the "mental load" of the house at times but I hear this as a common refrain from my friends and family about their husbands.

I'm just not as into sex as he is. I don't easily orgasm from sex but he will always spend time on foreplay and make sure im happy afterwards. We don't do marathon sessions - just one orgasm each and done. He buys me sex toys to help me orgasm and to add a bit of spice.

Husband said to me that in the years after the kids he was slowly going mad but did his best to "Internalise it" as I'd just had a baby and he loved and respected that. However, as things didn't pick up it became a bigger and bigger problem inside and he built up some resentment towards me for it. However, it didn't want to speak to me as he knew how busy I was and "nothing is less sexy than a man begging for sex".

Since he's told me - he's had a bit of a freak out. We have tried to have sex more but he's had some performance anxiety and erectile dysfunciton. I presume this is all psychological as he's only 42 and quite physically fit. I probably didn't help by being a bit annoyed and saying "you moan at me for sex then get all anxious". This made him really cross and upset.

Have I broken him? Am I not considering my husbands needs enough? How do I unbreak him because, faults and all, he is a good addition to our family.

Have you always had a very low sex drive or has it reduced over the years?

Sounds like he’s been respectful and patient about the issue and you made a really unnecessary bitchy comment. Did you have to say that?

Sex is very normal in a healthy relationship but at the same time, you can’t help your sex drive. Are you tired? Don’t enjoy it? Not interested?

> We have tried to have sex more but he's had some performance anxiety and erectile dysfunciton. I probably didn't help by being a bit annoyed and saying "you moan at me for sex then get all anxious".

Fucking.. ouch.

How do I unbreak him because, faults and all, he is a good addition to our family.

Wow, don’t go overboard with the compliments there. Wouldnt want him to get a big head with such high praise. Seriously, if that’s how you describe him I expect that tells you all you need to know about your relationship and underlying causes to your various sex issues.

Imagine how you would feel if the person you loved described you that way. “You know Helen, I’ve been thinking. On balance, after 10 years of marriage I have come to the conclusion you are a good addition to our family.”

Well she said how she was feeling and I'd probably say similar. I'm not sure what's so bad about it.

“How do I unbreak him because, faults and all, he is a good addition to our family.”

OP you are talking about the man you love more than any other in the world, and yet it sounds like you’re talking about a fairly convenient vacuum cleaner? Are you trying to be witty with the “unbreak” phrasing or do you really think of him as a “thing” and not a living, feeling person?

OK - I know I shouldn't have said it but I was upset. Felt like I couldn't do the right thing either.

We are both tired a lot - both work full-time ( I work 44 hours , he works 54). We don't generally have enough time for each other. I think "life" is one of the main reasons for our lack of sex drive. We have 1 night a year where we go away to a really nice hotel just for us and I'm always on heat then. Just kids, jobs and family home life don't put me in the mood for sex.

He said he feels like he's worked to give me everything I've wanted: home, house, money, kids and I've kind of forgotten about him which was sad. He said that is part of his resentment.

18 months without sex?...I'd have had an affair. I'm a woman by the way.

there are many threads on here about mismatched sex drives. generally the man wants more. the women wants less as she exhausted, menopausal or perimenopausal.

i hope your can come up with a solution. dont slag him off for ED though. That’s like a total slap in the face.

Were you hiding behind the door when the empathy gene was being handed out?

I think you need to apologise for being cruel.

it sounds totally like life has got on top of you both and of course you’re both exhausted. But you say you love the 1 night a year in the hotel. I think you need to go to a lot more hotels and prioritise your marriage above work/ even the kids every now and then

I think you owe him an apology for what you said.

I think it’s your lives you need to “unbreak”, not him. Find a way to make more time for each other, before it’s too late.

You got annoyed with him and criticised him for having erectile dysfunction!
This is the man who did not pester you for sex because he respected the changes that giving birth had caused. You expressed irritation with him for something you know fine well he cannot help and did not want. You humiliated him.
And now you’re asking how to “unbreak” him like this is something lighthearted or easily fixed.
You apologise profusely. And then you suggest counselling. And you commit to it.

The right thing would have been to not make a big deal about his temporary ED. Why did that seem so impossible to you?

God almighty. It's rare a Mumsnet comment will make me laugh - and I do mean the audible variety - but you've achieved it. I can only thank you.

Is the issue that you don't want to have sex with him? That you dont fancy him? Or that you just feel like you have too many chores?
He's been really honest and respectful with you. He's told you how he feels. This is his cry for help to meet him half way. You need to tell him how you feel, why you don't want sex and what you think would help.
This is not a fixing him problem. You need to fix your relationship

Oh god forbid you’d make an off the cuff comment to your oversexed husband 🙄

On MN women are not allowed to slow down sexually as much as their testosterone driven husbands. Soon you’ll get the inevitable suggestions about therapy, hormone checks, open marriages and lying back and thinking of England.

I say there is fuck all wrong with you. Your libido is set by the hormonal and domestic constraints you’re in - men’s physiology doesn’t work the same. You haven’t broken him. He hasn’t broken you. You are just in that marriage rut of horny husbands and exhausted overburdened wives. You’ll work it out like most long term married couples.

I’m sorry to hear things have become difficult in such a sensitive area, it most be uncomfortable for you both.
You both sound very busy. Being aware of the toll that takes on relationships is part of the reason I work part time- and I call myself a feminist, I know!
I know my sex drive isn’t as high or as reactive as my husband’s. But I’m also aware of how very important sex is for humans - none sexier, bar bonobos. So I will initiate sex even if I’m not feeling it, because I’m confident we live so well together my partner will ensure I enjoy sex. I never regret having sex and I’m aware of peripheral benefits- I sleep better, I’m less irritable, I’m just baseline happier.
Talk about it together, and try making deliberate choices. Falling into habits that don’t do anything for you isn’t fair on you.

That comment... yikes. You should not have sex with him if you don't want to, but no person is going to be happy never/rarely getting sex.

I have been told (and experienced) that a lot of the time what could work to help you get in the mood is him just being flirtatious in the day generally. Not full on just randomly grabbing you, but a little look here, a little sexy comment there. It doesn't have to be flowers and dinners etc, as is unrealistic due to your busy family life.

It's not going to be everyday and I think he knows that, but perhaps try to make a conscious effort to put yourself in the mood sometimes, as well? Like think about him in a sexual way during the day. Text him when he's at work that you can't wait to see him naked later, or something like that.
Just think positively about it, get yourself excited. If it was an everyday expectation I understand that this would not be realistic, but given how sporadic it is I think this would be a good way to go.

And, while I'm here, @Dingdongdingdoo -

Sex is fundamental to a marriage. It just is. Otherwise, a marriage is an involuntary vow of celibacy.

He feels like he’s worked to give you everything you’ve wanted? You also work full time and it sounds like you do more of the household/planning. Does he appreciate that? Does he acknowledge how much you do and how exhausted you are?

@Screamingabdabz do you really see someone who would like to have sex with his spouse more than a few times a year as oversexed?

And ten minutes on MN is enough to convince anyone that there are plenty of women who suffer from lack of sex in their marriage/relationship. It's not a 'man' thing. It's a human thing.

he is a good addition to our family.

That is fucking cold. He’s your husband not a new au pair.

4 times a year is considered a sexless marriage. He’s 42 and he’s been basically celibate for years. He hasn’t made a big deal of it and has been extremely respectful, considerate and patient. Why haven’t you told him you don’t want to have a sexual relationship anymore, you can’t be bothered and then at least he’ll stop hoping and expecting anything to change? Be honest and you can both decide what the rest of your lives look like.

Oh absolutely.