Have I broke my husband?

[Dingdongdingdoo]

OK - I''ve named changed here as I want some advice.... This is a mix sex/relationship question but would rather it stay in relationships if possible.

Key question - am I broken or have I broken my husband?

Context: My husband had a long chat with me about a month ago saying he was going mad internally with our "lack" of sex. We both work. We have two kids age 8 and 10. Our sex life has been a bit up and down post kids. We had some huge gaps (around 18 months) after the kids. We probably stayed at once every 3 months after this. As they got older its moved to between once every 2 weeks and every month.

Am I unusual that I'm happy with this frequency? I think my husband is a good husband. He has a good job. Loves the kids dearly. Does every bedtime, three school pick ups a week etc. We have a traditional relationship so I do more shopping ironing etc. but he will pick these tasks up when I'm at work etc (he works a little more than me. He could be better at handling the "mental load" of the house at times but I hear this as a common refrain from my friends and family about their husbands.

I'm just not as into sex as he is. I don't easily orgasm from sex but he will always spend time on foreplay and make sure im happy afterwards. We don't do marathon sessions - just one orgasm each and done. He buys me sex toys to help me orgasm and to add a bit of spice.

Husband said to me that in the years after the kids he was slowly going mad but did his best to "Internalise it" as I'd just had a baby and he loved and respected that. However, as things didn't pick up it became a bigger and bigger problem inside and he built up some resentment towards me for it. However, it didn't want to speak to me as he knew how busy I was and "nothing is less sexy than a man begging for sex".

Since he's told me - he's had a bit of a freak out. We have tried to have sex more but he's had some performance anxiety and erectile dysfunciton. I presume this is all psychological as he's only 42 and quite physically fit. I probably didn't help by being a bit annoyed and saying "you moan at me for sex then get all anxious". This made him really cross and upset.

Have I broken him? Am I not considering my husbands needs enough? How do I unbreak him because, faults and all, he is a good addition to our family.

I remember going through a stage when my husband and I felt some distance between us. We were both full on with work, young child and tired. Felt like we lived like flatmates and just getting through each day. Things changed when we addressed that head on. I think it’s important to be open about what you each need and why and to try really listen rather than judge the other person.
You both need to feel loved and appreciated and while sex is one way to show that, there are other ways too. How do you both show that you care and value for each other? Are you intimate in ways other than sex eg do you talk about things that are important to you in ways that are beyond the superficial? These points of connection can mean everything. Otherwise it’s just waiting for that one weekend a year and surviving the rest.
The way you refer to your husband is quite detached. You talk about if you’ve broken him, that he’s a good addition to your family and list all the practical things he does. If you love him, it doesn’t come through in what you’ve written.
It sounds like the fact he allowed himself to be vulnerable with you by explaining how he felt means he now feels like sex is so loaded as something he wants and you are willing to go through rather than you want to be him. I think what you said to him was really quite unkind and centred on your own feelings of irritation and like he is just bothering you. You absolutely don’t have to have sex with him if you don’t want to. But a relationship needs to be nurtured in some way and I’m not sure that is happening. We all want to be seen and understood by our partners and I suppose maybe that’s the thing to focus on on both sides. Good luck

I did. She hasn't answered these points.

I read the ED comment as "FFS, you're always on at me for a shag, now I'm here and you aren't up for it". Unflattering, but it does illustrate a couple whose sex life has descended to a man expecting his wife to put out in return for a house and a couple of holidays.

Why do you think the annual hotel night makes such a difference??

Wow thats some big gaps BUT you both want to change.

Very unsexy but we started by scheduling sex night once a week. It took a few weeks to get into the swing but really helped gets things starting again.
Also make it clear it doesnt have to be sex it could be rubbing each other or using a toys on each other

Try reading the thread and not condescending into Mumsnet cliched tropes

I think this is fair.

@Dingdongdingdoo you didn’t do yourself any favours by how you wrote your post. It came across as very cold and at the end I wondered “do you love him”

That said it’s not uncommon. Honestly most of the time I just cannot be bothered to have sex. I have a stressful job, I’m a taxi driver to my teens, I feel fat and unattractive. My husband would have sex every day. I feel guilty that I don’t have the same desire. But I love him to bits, we have a very happy household so I think we will work through the sex problems.

Why are so many people saying he’ll have an affair - like that’s ok? And basically saying OP should force herself to have sex when she doesn’t want to, otherwise he’ll get it elsewhere!! Christ women are allowed to feel too tired! We are allowed to say no!…
Christ imagine these women raising daughters….. well you’ll have to sex with him otherwise you’ll dump you and get it elsewhere!!…. Lovely!

Yes to this!

chances are your husband still fancies the pants off you if he would have it every day!

you might feel fat & unattractive (I get it) but sounds like he doesn’t think that

trying to boost your confidence a little here 😃

These comments are so tired and cliche tbh. Sure women are allowed to be tired and sure we can say no. You can’t do that for years and then make a dismissive comment about performance when you do get into it, and expect that not to affect the relationship though. I’d consider walking in that situation, he’s not a bad guy for not wanting a dead bedroom in his 40s, she needs to find someone she wants to shag or someone who’s happy to be in a celibate relationship. Evidently that ain’t him.

Why can’t you just have more sex? What is stopping you?

My mother has told me this. "If you don't have sex then he'll get it elsewhere." Low expectations of men abound. Oddly, the reverse doesn't apply.

I'd have had an affair.

So many respondents here sounding exactly like sexually-entitled men.

Here's a well-known truism for you. Perhaps not well enough known to you:

Having sex makes men feel loved. Feeling loved makes women feel sexy.

Why do you think OP's annual hotel night does the trick for her? Try using your brains (not that one, the one in your skull).

The way I read it, she refused to sleep with him for 3 years. Apart from.those gaps, they have what is classed as a sexless marriage.

I was being honest and I would not stay married if that happened to me. I'm a woman.

He's a good addition to your family? Im honestly dumbfounded

Same and I’m always so surprised at the number of women who seem to see sex as a chore. Why are women marrying men they don’t want to sleep with for years? I would find that so stressful

I don't know their situation, but we all have different trade-offs that we make when balancing enjoyment, stress, lifestyle, and money. It is plausible to me that in a couple one person wanted to earn less and work less (or maybe work on something more enjoyable), and the other person wanted a different tradeoff. I think it isn't impossible that he didn't want those things, at least not to the same extent.

I mean, I still don't endorse using your work to guilt your partner, so I suppose I agree with you at a high level, but I don't think you can assume that both partners wanted the life they've built equally.

You know, I don't think I would find scheduling sex to be unsexy. I think I would find the anticipation building throughout the day.

I don't know, I married one because the sex was amazing - but the actual marriage was bloody awful 😂 We still shagged all the way through the separation, but I can strongly attest that sex isn't the key to a good marriage!

It certainly is.

How about an open marriage, OP? He gets to have more sex and you get to maintain things as they are - win, win!

@Dingdongdingdoo

It might be normal among your friends, but there's nothing to say that their husbands are OK with it or that their marriages aren't under strain from it. Most people would consider that very infrequent, especially if it's more often once rather than twice.

Also, "addition to the family"?? He was there long before the family!

I don't think people marry feeling like they don't want to sleep with their spouse. They start off fine, and then life stress, children, hormones, and marital annoyances creep in.

Yeah, you should definitely only marry people with whom both the relationship and the sex is good!