Have I broke my husband?

[Dingdongdingdoo]

OK - I''ve named changed here as I want some advice.... This is a mix sex/relationship question but would rather it stay in relationships if possible.

Key question - am I broken or have I broken my husband?

Context: My husband had a long chat with me about a month ago saying he was going mad internally with our "lack" of sex. We both work. We have two kids age 8 and 10. Our sex life has been a bit up and down post kids. We had some huge gaps (around 18 months) after the kids. We probably stayed at once every 3 months after this. As they got older its moved to between once every 2 weeks and every month.

Am I unusual that I'm happy with this frequency? I think my husband is a good husband. He has a good job. Loves the kids dearly. Does every bedtime, three school pick ups a week etc. We have a traditional relationship so I do more shopping ironing etc. but he will pick these tasks up when I'm at work etc (he works a little more than me. He could be better at handling the "mental load" of the house at times but I hear this as a common refrain from my friends and family about their husbands.

I'm just not as into sex as he is. I don't easily orgasm from sex but he will always spend time on foreplay and make sure im happy afterwards. We don't do marathon sessions - just one orgasm each and done. He buys me sex toys to help me orgasm and to add a bit of spice.

Husband said to me that in the years after the kids he was slowly going mad but did his best to "Internalise it" as I'd just had a baby and he loved and respected that. However, as things didn't pick up it became a bigger and bigger problem inside and he built up some resentment towards me for it. However, it didn't want to speak to me as he knew how busy I was and "nothing is less sexy than a man begging for sex".

Since he's told me - he's had a bit of a freak out. We have tried to have sex more but he's had some performance anxiety and erectile dysfunciton. I presume this is all psychological as he's only 42 and quite physically fit. I probably didn't help by being a bit annoyed and saying "you moan at me for sex then get all anxious". This made him really cross and upset.

Have I broken him? Am I not considering my husbands needs enough? How do I unbreak him because, faults and all, he is a good addition to our family.

Your husband has had a bit of a freak-out because what he wants is for his wife to WANT to have sex with him.

Are you on the Pill? It ruined my sex drive, which came back after I went off it.

I didn't get much out of sex until someone used a great vibrator on me during sex. Also, it's not just about PIV. Touching, stroking, kissing - it's all great stress relief, and completely free! I don't know about you, but most men haven't touched me on the many sensitive parts of my skin, such as my neck and back. They just go for the bulls-eye. Maybe tell him how you like to be touched? Ask for a back massage? Ideally, the two of you would use the bedroom as a place to find whole-body affection and a retreat from the world. It's not just about having PIV for him. What I have always wanted is full-body strokes, warm hands on my back, lips on my neck. I think we have to ask for those things, as men go for the obvious. Basically, I'm trying to say, make having a willing sex partner work for you. Put him to work as stress relief for you - I'm sure he'd be delighted!

I have been in a sexless marriage, and it is utterly soul-destroying and very isolating. Not sure why you put "lack" in quotes. There is a lack. Your husband is in a lot of pain over this. I would never have believed how painful it could be if I had not experienced it. You can't have affection, sex, and romance with your partner, because they don't want you, but....you're married, so all routes are cut off, and you are on an island on your own. Thus you exist in this bleak, grey, quiet vacuum. The psychological effects of this long-term are dreadful. I'm still tempted to have sex with whoever wants me, because he made me feel so undesirable for so long. During this time, I once watched some soft porn, and I can't tell you how sad I felt looking at the passionate couples.

I don’t see having sex around 1-2 times a month as being celibate. I’d say it’s pretty normal from discussions with my friends. I mean obviously not as a young childfree couple but as ones with two kids and working very long hours.

It does sound like you might be mismatched. If having sex more than twice a month is a deal breaker for him then you should separate. Sad but it happens.

Sorry but the statement that he’s worked to give YOU a house and kids? What’s he think that it’s all for your benefit?
your comment after he couldn’t get a boner was really bad OP and I think you have to put some graft in to try and rectify how awful you would have made him feel then.
but re your sex life, by the sounds of it has become probs pretty monotonous? If you want this relationship to work you both need to have some honest but kind conversations about your needs in and outside of the bedroom

I think I'd try for more frequency, even just once more p/m and maybe some couples counselling. If your marriage is solid have you ruled out peri?

You sound really cold OP when you mention your DH as a 'great addition', no wonder he can't get it up.

I personally don’t think you can fake really good intimacy - it’s like Temu vs High end luxury clothing - it’s not the same thing. It doesn’t need to be Cirque de Soleil every night but you know if someone is going through the motions. People forget to pour energy and effort into their marriage and that’s understandable to an extent but unwise probably given it’s your spouse who is your life partner (and just my opinion but is a more intense source of joy in life in various ways) and the kids get easier as they get older (usually) then leave. I realised a long time ago if we ever go a week without it, we’re snappy, bicker and generally less happy.
You feel the way you feel though and can try to improve things sure but just have your eyes open to the fact that some marriages come undone on this issue.

You’ve broken him.

Really? Wow my DH is very lucky then. It’s usually 2-3 times a week (always has been) and we work full-time and have teenage kids. I think it’s a great opportunity to stay connected. We’ve been together 26 years.

sex is the glue that holds a marriage together, so if you want the marriage to last, you need to make time for sex.

what do you do in the evenings after the kids go to bed? can you have one or more evenings a week of adult time? it doesn't always have to lead to sex, but you need to plan it into your schedule instead of watching TV or scrolling social media or whatever.

and you need to apologize to DH for your comment and ask him how you can make things better.

If your sex drive increases on your one night away you could try to replicate those conditions more at home, it sounds like if you had less on your plate your interest in sex would generally increase. This might be more stress related than anything anatomical, so you could see if there's any way to lighten the load that could help you 'switch off' like you do on these nights away - whether that's with additional childcare, paying for the occasional cleaner, batch cooking.

I think the erectile dysfunction is a separate issue which is worth looking at with proper medical advice. You'll have to keep grovelling with the comment you made though - you will have to consistently reassure him that you want him.

@Bloozie "Unless you both have zero sex drive, or have an open marriage, your marriage is the only place where you can express your sexuality and it is a form of torture not to be able to inhabit your full sexual self.

Ain't that the truth.

i think you’re putting yourself on a bit of a pedestal saying have I broken him and how can I unbreak him… that’s quite egotistical imo. He wants sex more than you. You’re happy. He’s not happy. You have sec more for his benefit and he can’t get it up because he knows you don’t want to. Don’t know what you’re going to do. You shouldn’t have sec you don’t want to have and he shouldn’t be stuck in a nearly sexless marriage if he doesn’t want to be. But no… you didn’t break him and you don’t have the power to unbreak him. But you do need to think about r the reality that one of you is going to be unhappy at the expense of the other when it comes to sex. I think it was shit that you said that to him to be honest as the guy obviously knows you didn’t want sex and were doing it for ‘his benefit’ and he couldn’t do it. Sounds like a good guy op.

I swear I’ve read this before.

sorry but that was really horrible to say that to him.

Is he "oversexed"? How do you decide that her libido is set by hormones and constraints, but he is oversexed? Can't we just say that two people have different preferences? Neither preference is inherently more moral.

Also, yeah, if your partner expresses a concern to you, you probably shouldn't call it moaning. Especially not when they're at an especially vulnerable point.

What man wants more sex and wife doesn’t? Like a daily thing on here!

You don't even sound like you love him OP! Sex drive aside, the way you talk about him is like he's a new kitchen appliance, useful!

Yeah, that's a shit sex life. Sometimes you just have to crack on and do it, even if you're tired or whatever. Going 18 months between sex is shocking and regularly going a month without it is sad.

This is such a common topic, and I don’t think there’s a single straightforward answer. Low libido can happen for many different reasons, especially as people get older. For some it’s hormonal, for others it’s exhaustion, stress, or feeling overwhelmed. And for many, it’s tied to emotional disconnection, lack of support, or not feeling valued by their partner.

In my case, I struggled with very low libido for years. Eventually I realized it was because I didn’t feel loved or emotionally safe with my (now ex-) husband. He was controlling, unsupportive, and narcissistic. I kept trying to “push” myself to have sex regularly, usually aiming for once a week, because he would sulk or complain if I didn’t. I don’t recommend that to anyone. Forcing yourself to have sex is emotionally damaging. Even though I sometimes enjoyed it once things started, there were also many times when it felt violating. I didn’t blame him for that, because he wasn’t physically forcing me, but the pressure and guilt made me feel like I had no choice. Eventually I realized I did have a choice, and that choice was to leave.

Your situation may be completely different. Sometimes low libido is a symptom of a disconnect that can be repaired. If that’s the case, open communication and couples therapy can make a real difference. What is clear is that it’s not fair for him to live in a sexless marriage, and it’s also not okay for you to force yourself into something you don’t want. If the underlying issues can’t be resolved, separation may end up being the healthiest option for both of you

Does he watch a lot of porn? Thats a major cause of ED.

Oh come on. It's not always porn 🙄 she's fucked his confidence and he got floppy. It's not rocket science.

OP, two practical suggestions: Look up the difference between spontaneous desire vs. responsive desire. Men mostly have the former and women the latter. Without knowing this, it's almost inevitable that men and women will clash over sex. It's almost as if nature mismatched us this way in order to get us to break up after the kids are out of babyhood and reproduce with others, thereby spreading our seed!

I also really recommend the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It says that some people have more sensitive "brakes" than others when it comes to sex. It made so much sense to me. I have had trouble switching off if the dishes await, for example. It demystifies a lot of why we react to sex the way we do.

And finally, the book Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. It addresses how legitimising your relationship by marriage can take all the naughty out of it.

Your husband is clearly a good guy. He went as long as he could so as not to pressure you, and now that he feels the lack of physical affection is driving him mad, he came to you and communicated about it.

If you decide you don't want him anymore, I'll 'ave 'im!

My DH went off sex about 4 years ago. It started with ED. You might find that actually you won’t feel under pressure to have sex any more.

ODFOD

And not having sex for ages then a lot of pressure to have sex on the rare occasion that your partner can bring herself to touch you is guaranteed to make a man feel confident, loved, and raring to go.