Have I broke my husband?

[Dingdongdingdoo]

OK - I''ve named changed here as I want some advice.... This is a mix sex/relationship question but would rather it stay in relationships if possible.

Key question - am I broken or have I broken my husband?

Context: My husband had a long chat with me about a month ago saying he was going mad internally with our "lack" of sex. We both work. We have two kids age 8 and 10. Our sex life has been a bit up and down post kids. We had some huge gaps (around 18 months) after the kids. We probably stayed at once every 3 months after this. As they got older its moved to between once every 2 weeks and every month.

Am I unusual that I'm happy with this frequency? I think my husband is a good husband. He has a good job. Loves the kids dearly. Does every bedtime, three school pick ups a week etc. We have a traditional relationship so I do more shopping ironing etc. but he will pick these tasks up when I'm at work etc (he works a little more than me. He could be better at handling the "mental load" of the house at times but I hear this as a common refrain from my friends and family about their husbands.

I'm just not as into sex as he is. I don't easily orgasm from sex but he will always spend time on foreplay and make sure im happy afterwards. We don't do marathon sessions - just one orgasm each and done. He buys me sex toys to help me orgasm and to add a bit of spice.

Husband said to me that in the years after the kids he was slowly going mad but did his best to "Internalise it" as I'd just had a baby and he loved and respected that. However, as things didn't pick up it became a bigger and bigger problem inside and he built up some resentment towards me for it. However, it didn't want to speak to me as he knew how busy I was and "nothing is less sexy than a man begging for sex".

Since he's told me - he's had a bit of a freak out. We have tried to have sex more but he's had some performance anxiety and erectile dysfunciton. I presume this is all psychological as he's only 42 and quite physically fit. I probably didn't help by being a bit annoyed and saying "you moan at me for sex then get all anxious". This made him really cross and upset.

Have I broken him? Am I not considering my husbands needs enough? How do I unbreak him because, faults and all, he is a good addition to our family.

your husbands sex problems are irrelevant. The OP’s husband hasn’t gone off sex. He’s struggling without it and the OP has been a twat about his anxiety. JFC.

Ah OP don’t be too hard on yourself. In mumsmet world everyone is at it like rabbits, but in the real world with children it’s not really like that. I remember my sister being distraught age 12 at finding my mum and dad doing a doggy style in the conservatory. Not sexy.

I think yes you do need to say that the ED doesn’t matter and maybe apologise, maybe both agree to get a little more romance back, but I would say once or twice a month is probably more than most people do, and if he’s not happy with
that, but you are then you have to decide what happens next. Doing it when you don’t really want to is just going to
breed resentment.

I could go to the gym 2 to 3 nights a week, but I just don’t have enough time. I’d rather do something else instead. Other people love the gym and go to it all the time.

Yeah, his underlying cause is that his wife doesn't want him. That would put anyone off!

I mean seriously, if my partner had been avoiding sex for a while and I'd got the feeling they were humoring me, I would find it hard to get excited. The difference is that it doesn't show on me the way it does for a man.

@Dingdongdingdoo yes I think it's entirely possible that you have "broken" him. In the sense that loving trust between you has been lost.
So how do you mend it? Well firstly you have to really want to (and I don't get that vibe from your posts).
Secondly, (after making heartfelt apologies, obviously) I recommend setting up opportunities to just be intimate together (without necessarily having sex) , take the pressure off him - eg taking a bath or shower together.
And talk to him openly and honestly about what you want.

Definitely apologise.
Read up on responsive desire & maybe initiate more.
Dr Jane Fisher - making sure you have novelty in your long term relationship.
You're both working too much (just my opinion, is it really that important?)
Make time for sex sounds blimin contrived when you have so many chores but I think it works.
You're not alone, many of us in very similar situations.
Take a long hard think about getting your priorities sorted & good luck.

Poor bloke. You sound mean.

Although I find your response to him quite cold, I do think him saying

’ he feels like he's worked to give me everything I've wanted: home, house, money, kids and I've kind of forgotten about him which was sad. He said that is part of his resentment.’l

is out of order… I mean, did he not also want these things?? Why do men make out that they do all these things ‘for us women’ and then act like we should ‘put out’ nightly as some sort of huge thank you to them!! I do hope that you pointed out that you also work your arse off to pay for the home, house, money and that you had children because YOU BOTH wanted them!!

Why does not having sex = forgetting about him? Maybe he should arrange for his or your parents to have the kids overnight once a month and order a take out and have an evening of romance and passion.. I mean having children sleeping in the room next door or wondering in your room because they need a pee or have a bad dream isn’t exactly conducive to a night of passion is it?!?

I remember hearing my parents at it once and it’s something that really put me off sex while she was in the room next door!

As for him having ED, tell him it was likely just nerves and a one off. Perhaps he’s insecure that you’re only doing it because he’s asked?

Some very unfair responses on here OP. I actually don't blame you. Yeah, shouldn't have said it, but you both said your bit. Giving birth and raising kids is bloody hard. So, your husband has felt deprived. Ok but he needs to accept what a woman's body physiologically goes through. Not just the pregnancy and childbirth but hormonally and psychologically raising young children. I find just having kids in the house asleep the biggest killer of anything like that. You will work it out, where there's love you can find a way, this will pass.

@bunnypenny I’m giving the OP hope here! This might be the start of the decline in his sex drive and that might recalibrate stuff. Calm down.

Your DH sounds like a good one. He's been patient, he's made an effort with toys, etc. Most importantly, he communicates with you about sex. That's huge.

My DH also has performance based anxiety and always has. There's more to it than it just feeling like bad sex. It means they are focusing on their performance and seeing it as a performance, rather than being relaxed and free with you. You make the effort and the minute he realises it isn't going to work, it's all over after you've tried. You're left hanging. You're meant to comfort him and be supportive, but no-one thinks that you might need some comfort and support too. In the end, I think your comment was harsh, but it's understandable that the frustration boiled over at some point.

Your DH does need a medical check up. He's not too young for it to be physical.

Count your blessings with your DH though. Mine doesn't communicate which is why there's been nothing happening here for at least six months. Yours does and that's gold.

He’s 42. it won’t recalibrate. He will seek someone else out.

how old was your husband when he started to suffer from ED (to your delight)?

Taking a swipe at his ED is really out of line. It's the equivalent of him complaining about your vagina or boobs having changed since childbirth. Just step back a minute a try to put yourself in his shoes and feel how devastating that comment would be, particularly when he's already feeling unwanted and undesirable.

Personally, I would have thought our relationship was over if we went a year without sex, unless there was an absolute medical barrier to doing so eg childbirth injury. But in that case there would be lots of snuggling and touching. It is hard with work, DH and I have had rows because I felt he wouldn't take any initiatives to give us quality time in the evenings, but then he would start initiating at 10:30pm when I'd collapsed in a heap. We've got better now at avoiding the TV+ sofa trap and trying to head to bed earlier. We find then we relax, start chatting, laughing, cuddling, and desire all flows from there. If the issue is the lack of quality time together to get you in the mood, then you need to explain that to him and make it partly his job and partly yours to create quality time a couple of times a week, which may or may not lead to sex.

I fear you have broken him. With your attitude, my fanny would dry right up, so I can imagine why the poor man couldn't rise to the occasion ☹️.

So he internalises his resentment for 8/10 years because he loves and respects you and you throw out comments like that...arent you a delight

He’s hurting. It’s not resentment

Do you even like your husband?

bitchy comment making him even more insecure then you say ‘despite his faults he makes a good addition to our family’. He’a not a blooming dog 😂

The guy was pressurising her for sex - which is coercive - and then gave bad sex. He bloody deserved that comment.

a good addition to our family

Bloody hell, you make him sound like an air fryer.

A good addition to the family? Like a labradore?

He wasn’t pressuring her. They had a conversation & communicated like adults

some of the comments on this thread are disgusting. Glee over a man having ED, making unfair assumptions etc

Do you love him? You describe in a very emotionally devoid way 'he is a good addition to our family' when he is a key part of the family.

I feel sorry for him. You sound robotic and arsey. He sounds patient and understanding. He could do a lot better than you.

Frankly, imo, you don't deserve him. It's not really about sex, you sound absent in the relationship.

So go look in the mirror and decide what you are going to do about it.

The layers of messed-up thinking in those two sentences is quite extraordinary. A man hoping to have sex with his wife more than a few times a year is "coercive"? Experiencing ED is "giving bad sex"? And he deserved to be shamed for a physiological reaction that he has no control over?

I haven't read all the replies because I couldn't stand all the criticism you're getting.

The bit about your one and only couples night a year says it all. You aren't broken, he isn't broken - but he's come to view sex as a service you should provide, and you're seeing it this way too.

You aren't a sex appliance. Neither are you a domestic appliance! How much of the domestic load - housework, shopping, garden, laundry, cooking, kids' daily routines and weekly activities, making appointments, going to appointments, remembering stuff (etc, etc, etc) does he actually do? Without being told to?

Time after time, research confirms that actively equal participation in family & household tasks is the biggest aphrodisiac for women. He's working hard to give you yadda, yadda, yadda. If you're working hard doing double shifts, it's not bloody surprising you don't feel horny.

And yet ... You do when you get one single day away from the domestic load. Just one day being looked after, the bed being made for you, your husband's full attention for just a few hours and, wahey! You're off!

It's obvious. I suggest you point this out to him in whatever way he'll be able to hear. Lots of MNers have faced and tackled the same issue with varying degrees of success. I'm sure they'll be able to support you in bringing about the changes HE needs to make so YOU feel like a human woman with sexual energy.

Sex is not yet another task you'd rather put off. You need him to stop acting like it is, and start showing how much he values you for everything you are.

Good luck!

Agree - it sounds more like an end of year performance review than a woman describing the love of her life! "Although you didn't quite hit all your targets this year Dave, overall you are a net asset to the team."

Although to be honest OP it's not surprising you're both knackered - apparently anything over 30 hours a week is classed as 'full time' and you're both well over, which with house and kids it's understandable you're exhausted. I think the sex thing is a bit like the introvert/extrovert thing where neither is wrong just different - if you're sex positive then having sex actually helps if you're tired because it gives you a boost and something to look forward to, if you're not then it's only something that you fancy when you're in the right mood (i.e. not exhausted).

Short term do you have a babysitter to give you a night off? It might 'restart' him if you have a natural break and do something different. A night away would be ideal but if not could you both take a day off work while the kids are in school, have a 'day date' and then daytime sex?

Long term is there any way you can both cut back a bit? It sounds like a bit of a recipe for disaster if you both burn out.

Basically you both need to chat. You made kind of a dick comment to him but tbh you having sex when you clearly don't really want to is also a bit icky in terms of a loving relationship.

You need to decide if you do want to repair your relationship to an actual romantic one, or if you want to carry on in what you are basically describing as a transactional business agreement - in which case, as distasteful as it sounds, if you've essentially decided you're happy to grant him additional sex as a favour to keep a 'net asset to the household' happy, you need to keep up your end of the bargain and do it with good grace.

FFS read the OP.