Have I broke my husband?

[Dingdongdingdoo]

OK - I''ve named changed here as I want some advice.... This is a mix sex/relationship question but would rather it stay in relationships if possible.

Key question - am I broken or have I broken my husband?

Context: My husband had a long chat with me about a month ago saying he was going mad internally with our "lack" of sex. We both work. We have two kids age 8 and 10. Our sex life has been a bit up and down post kids. We had some huge gaps (around 18 months) after the kids. We probably stayed at once every 3 months after this. As they got older its moved to between once every 2 weeks and every month.

Am I unusual that I'm happy with this frequency? I think my husband is a good husband. He has a good job. Loves the kids dearly. Does every bedtime, three school pick ups a week etc. We have a traditional relationship so I do more shopping ironing etc. but he will pick these tasks up when I'm at work etc (he works a little more than me. He could be better at handling the "mental load" of the house at times but I hear this as a common refrain from my friends and family about their husbands.

I'm just not as into sex as he is. I don't easily orgasm from sex but he will always spend time on foreplay and make sure im happy afterwards. We don't do marathon sessions - just one orgasm each and done. He buys me sex toys to help me orgasm and to add a bit of spice.

Husband said to me that in the years after the kids he was slowly going mad but did his best to "Internalise it" as I'd just had a baby and he loved and respected that. However, as things didn't pick up it became a bigger and bigger problem inside and he built up some resentment towards me for it. However, it didn't want to speak to me as he knew how busy I was and "nothing is less sexy than a man begging for sex".

Since he's told me - he's had a bit of a freak out. We have tried to have sex more but he's had some performance anxiety and erectile dysfunciton. I presume this is all psychological as he's only 42 and quite physically fit. I probably didn't help by being a bit annoyed and saying "you moan at me for sex then get all anxious". This made him really cross and upset.

Have I broken him? Am I not considering my husbands needs enough? How do I unbreak him because, faults and all, he is a good addition to our family.

@Dingdongdingdoo I haven't had any sex at all with my husband for 14 years. Im 46 y old. I'm struggling with mh and mt medication cuts my libido off completely.

My dh knows this and never pesters me for sex. Never. I have told him he's free to leave me but he said that you never know- maybe it's him who winds up sick- will I then throw him away? We have two dc and a mortgage and he loves me dearly. Sex is not something vital- he masturbates if needed and that's it.

I don't know what's normal, but I never masturbate.
Can't remember the last time I did.
Certainly not since late 30s, and I'm early 50s now.

Different situation to the OP

@secretrocker it's absolutely not my place to tell anyone whether they are "normal" or not, but honestly I consider sexual appetite to be a health indicator.

I train hard and have a FT job, but when I wake up in the morning, I have energy. My body feels good. I get hungry and enjoy food. I also want and enjoy sexual touch.

If any of those things changed, I would consider my body was struggling with something and would get it checked out.

Are you perimenopausal? Maybe visit a doctor @Dingdongdingdoo & ask them for some blood tests to check your hormone levels, B12, iron levels etc. explain to them your lack of sex drive, maybe ask if there is anything you can do, I’ve heard they sometimes prescribe low levels of testosterone to women in menopause who are experiencing low sex drive. Ask them to check that too, as our ovaries do produce testosterone in small levels.
Don’t let them fob you off with ‘if your husband loves you etc…. Tell them you need something to help you.
Can you ask someone to babysit regularly so that you can have some time together?

It does happen to a lot of us though, my first two long term relationships were very sexual, couldn’t keep my hands off them. My third and one I married had a lower sex drive than me, he made me feel like sex was an effort, there was no romance in the build up to it, it was more like a transaction of ‘do you fancy sex tonight? Ok hop on! (His words not mine)… if I ever wanted it he was never in the mood, or was too tired, I always felt rejected and stop trying. We are divorced now… oddly it was him who said we hadn’t had sex for years and it was depressing!…. I told him ‘hop on’ wasn’t the most romantic turn on, and that he was always rejecting me so I’d stopped trying, he made me feel very unattractive !
We split 4 years ago & now divorced, I realised at the end that I had no feelings left him, and him none for me. It’s sad but it is true that without sex and romance you just become friends.
My body now seems to have adapted & after 7 or 8 years now without any sex at all I think I’m A sexual as don’t miss it in the slightest, or anything about it. I sometimes think of my earlier two relationships and wonder where I went wrong. Few like a failure sometimes, but it really does take two. I now can’t imagine myself ever having sex again and I’m not even 50 yet!! I’ve also never been one for pleasuring myself so that’s never happened either!
I have some sexy dreams occasionally but it’s always my first love from when I was 18…
who knows maybe one day I’ll meet someone, but right now I’ve no interest and don’t even look at men in that way!!

@TheBlueDeer "Why are women marrying men they don’t want to sleep with for years?"

I think that's a rhetorical question, but it's a really interesting one. My DW and I are in the middle of discussions about our (non-existent) sex life - well, I say discussions: I'm trying to get her to engage, she's trying (and succeeding) not to - and she's more or less said that sex just wasn't a consideration when we got married. This contradicts a few things: she had plenty of partners before me so, presumably, enjoyed sex - but not with me.

I've heard all the standard responses to this, but what I'm really interested in are the underlying reasons. She hasn't yet tried to explain in any meaningful way, so I've had to guess. Here are my theories: antidepressants - the most likely reason; well known for killing sex-drive, possibly permanently (i.e. even if you stop them); she married her dad (a bit Freudian, but I think Alain de Botton would have sympathy for that view): dependable, but not that exciting; she was sexually assaulted/abused in the past and wanted to marry someone to get away from sex - someone who'd STFU and just cope. I'm sure there are other possible explanations, and it's likely that the true reason is none of these.

In a bitter irony, she had an affair - very sexual (because I had to read the emails) - which lends weight to the "she married her dad" explanation.

I've no idea whether any of these motivations could apply to other women who don't want sex with their partners.

I'm not sure how much help this thread has been to @Dingdongdingdoo , but I've found it really interesting, and I've saved some of the replies, not so I can present them as some sort of "Gotcha!" to my wife, but rather that they help me understand my own self and the reasons why chronic sexlessness makes me so fking depressed.

And, yes, I'm having therapy!

@LochSunart I have the utmost sympathy for you and can relate to much of what you've written.

I think you might be wasting your time trying to understand your wife's reasons for her lack of interest in sex.
Chances are it's complex patterns ingrained when she was a child or baby. She probably doesn't know the reasons herself.
If you're having therapy in the hope of finding a way to make her change or a way to turn her on then I suspect you are wasting your time and money.

You would be much better off trying to understand what patterns you have that attracted someone like your wife.
And even more importantly why did you stay in the relationship when you figured out that sex and your pleasure were not a priority for your wife.

Why do you believe that you don't deserve a happy, healthy, loving sex life?

@LochSunart it wasn’t really rhetorical, I would find it so stressful constantly trying to avoid sleeping with someone! I also left an engagement with a very nice man who gave me everything except a good sex life because I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life going without. I’m sorry you’re going through all of that, if I were you I’d definitely be leaving

@ArtistBaptist : Thank you for your kind reply. I've no intention of trying to change my wife; if I change, maybe she will, but probably not. I certainly can't change her directly. I don't think trying to understand her is such a waste of time: for one thing, it's something married couples should do for each other. Our experience of sex, mine and hers, is totally different so if I always see things through the lens of my own desire, I'll remain frustrated, mentally. Understanding her may help, but I'm also prepared for the likelihood that she can't, or won't, explain why she's the way she is. It's sad, because I know our marriage would be better with a meaningful sex life.

I suppose the therapy has two purposes: to understand why I got myself into this mess, and to gather the strength for what comes next. I'm on the edge of my 60s and I fully intend that decade to be a happy one, before I start looking at the exit. I know that decade will probably be just as celibate as this one has been; I'm trying to explain to myself the following idea: No-one has an unconditional right to happiness, but we all have the right to seek happiness, as long as not at the expense of someone else's. I think my wife owes me one thing: honesty. So: "We won't be having sex again." Then, I can decide what to do. But I'm gathering my strength in advance of that conversation.

This thread is so interesting: it's covered everything. No-one has a right to sex. A mutually-satisfying sex life is like an elixir: it's free, it's healthy, it cures many ills, it brings couples closer together. So how incredibly frustrating when partners are mismatched in this respect. A tragedy, really.

Leaving my wife is an option, of course, as it is for @Dingdongdingdoo's DH, but I doubt he wants to do that, and neither do I - at the moment, but I have made a vow to myself that I won't allow myself to continue to suffer in the way I have in the last few years. Of course, my situation is much easier than the OP's, as I'm retired and my children (who are not my wife's) are grown up.

It’s always the million dollar question in any sexless relationship, does she not want sex? Or does she just not want sex with me? I think the latter is more likely to be true in the vast majority of cases, it’s sad, people just need to be honest, if your not attracted to someone in that way anymore don’t be selfish and force them to be celibate, set them free, life is too short to play control games.

I think a mix of once or twice a month is not massively unreasonable, whereas going without for 18 months is unquestionably unreasonable. If one month someone doesn’t want sex, then the next they want it every other week I don’t think that’s a deal breaker.

I’m not sure what you edited part is getting at tbh, sorry,

That's awful.

@LochSunart
Stop wasting the short life you have and get divorced and find happiness.

I think you’ve broke his spirit, OP, yes.

Just get divorced already, OP! You would both be happier. Life is too short to be unhappy!

@Dingdongdingdoo

Do you carry any of the mental load? That’s what did it for me. Having to think for two. As a woman, holding the mental load and doing all the emotional labour is exhausting but also can kill attraction.

I remember there was a moment when I realised what a difference the emotional labour made when DC were tantruming, there had been arguments and my ex was getting argumentative and grumpy. Trying to leave the house was turning into a nightmare and I was too exhausted to do my usual staying calm, co-regulating and calming and keeping a calm and warm family atmosphere. I felt like screaming and so I said ‘please can you bring the cheer, I’m too exhausted’ and he did. In that moment he calmed himself down and cheered the kids up and got us out the door. He had never been more attractive to me. So sexy. Then later on he was arguing with the kids again and pooof, attraction killed.

And carrying the domestic and mental
load is exhausting and having a partner that doesn’t do much or just ‘helps’ is a real passion killer too.

@IslandAdventure "Do you carry any of the mental load?"

Sigh. Your question seems to carry an assumption, but I'll try to answer it, the short answer being - yes, of course I do, and the idea that most men don't is questionable.

When I met my wife, I was someone's lodger because I'd separated from my children's mother and left the family home so they didn't have to. When my wife and I got married, I did my best to be a good father but parenting, as I'm sure you'll agree, isn't always sexy. If the reasons I suggested in my earlier message don't explain her lack of desire, then that might.

I supported my wife when she gave up her very well-paid job because of the mental toll it was taking. When, a few years later, I took a job in which I was faced with verbal abuse and little support most days, a job which nearly broke me - so perhaps I wasn't at my best - my wife responded by having an affair.

Now? I do my share. I doubt that assertion will convince you, but there it is. The reasons for my wife's lack of interest in a meaningful and mutually pleasurable physical relationship are not my fault.

I'm not sure I totally buy the mental load stuff....I've raised two DC to near adulthood...ive been a sahm and a full time working mum. I've spent many years exhausted by this despite my DH being a good guy, still most of the mental load was carried by me. However I fancied the pants off him and still do...I never went off sex. Maybe I'm unusual. If anything I find sex to be a good stress reliever.
Obviously a totally useless lazy man is a turn off...but life is generally busy for all of us. I struggle to believe so many of these women will suddenly discover their libido at the sight of their husband pushing round a vacuum cleaner.

Most men don’t, that’s a fact.

Glad you are an exception and you do spend your mental energy planning and organising family life. You sound child-centred. That’s good.

Never any excuse for having an affair. That is not acceptable and a deal breaker in my eyes. You didn’t deserve that.

Yeah, it won’t be the only factor or always a factor but it was for me - when we went away and I didn’t have that load, my sex drive came back.

The emotional labour was about him as a person no longer being attractive to me. Seeing a grown man argue with a small child - like a sibling would - was a real turn off.

I've said it on other threads - the mental load thing isn't always the answer.
I maintained a sex drive through birthing and raising two kids.
My kids are both over 20 now, my mental load has never been been less.
Yet sex drive has dissipated completely.

Not always. But often.