Have I broke my husband?

[Dingdongdingdoo]

OK - I''ve named changed here as I want some advice.... This is a mix sex/relationship question but would rather it stay in relationships if possible.

Key question - am I broken or have I broken my husband?

Context: My husband had a long chat with me about a month ago saying he was going mad internally with our "lack" of sex. We both work. We have two kids age 8 and 10. Our sex life has been a bit up and down post kids. We had some huge gaps (around 18 months) after the kids. We probably stayed at once every 3 months after this. As they got older its moved to between once every 2 weeks and every month.

Am I unusual that I'm happy with this frequency? I think my husband is a good husband. He has a good job. Loves the kids dearly. Does every bedtime, three school pick ups a week etc. We have a traditional relationship so I do more shopping ironing etc. but he will pick these tasks up when I'm at work etc (he works a little more than me. He could be better at handling the "mental load" of the house at times but I hear this as a common refrain from my friends and family about their husbands.

I'm just not as into sex as he is. I don't easily orgasm from sex but he will always spend time on foreplay and make sure im happy afterwards. We don't do marathon sessions - just one orgasm each and done. He buys me sex toys to help me orgasm and to add a bit of spice.

Husband said to me that in the years after the kids he was slowly going mad but did his best to "Internalise it" as I'd just had a baby and he loved and respected that. However, as things didn't pick up it became a bigger and bigger problem inside and he built up some resentment towards me for it. However, it didn't want to speak to me as he knew how busy I was and "nothing is less sexy than a man begging for sex".

Since he's told me - he's had a bit of a freak out. We have tried to have sex more but he's had some performance anxiety and erectile dysfunciton. I presume this is all psychological as he's only 42 and quite physically fit. I probably didn't help by being a bit annoyed and saying "you moan at me for sex then get all anxious". This made him really cross and upset.

Have I broken him? Am I not considering my husbands needs enough? How do I unbreak him because, faults and all, he is a good addition to our family.

It's not OK to take someone off the market and not sleep with them, longterm, while also not allowing them to sleep with anyone else. They want the toy for themselves but they don't want to play with it. They just don't want anyone else to play with it either. That is totally unfair.

Maybe we should teach our young people a bit more about the reality of marriage, and then they can decide if it's a way of life they want to enter. Most people expect their spouses to have a certain amount of sex with them. If people don't want someone to have expectations of them, it's best to stay single.

Exactly! There wouldn’t even be a family without him

When I got married I didn't have children to care for, I had more of my own life, I had a husband who was considerate and communicated with me well and life was way less full and never overwhelming. I also wasn't tired, iron deficient and going through perimenopause. I can't imagine why I might feel differently.

Indeed!

Why are women marrying men who treat them like a goddess, talk to them and listen to what they say, are proud to be with them and go out of their way to please them?

Hard to fathom, isn't it.

Has he ‘broken’ you by not carrying half of the mental load? You being ‘on heat’ if you go away makes me think that might be part of the problem.

Screamingabdabz
Oh god forbid you’d make an off the cuff comment to your oversexed husband 🙄

while I think men don’t get how women climb into bed so purely exhausted after all the extra stuff they do that men would never realise let alone acknowledge, once every three months can hardly be described as oversexed!!!!

You don’t? It was a nasty thing to say to someone that was anxious, you think it’s going to make them less anxious or more anxious?

Not for everyone, no one is owed sex, except on Mumsnet.

The “good addition to our family” comment makes me think that you see your family as just you and your DCs and that he’s just a sperm donor who conveniently provides the money and a bit of help around the house. You sound like you’re using him. No wonder he’s pissed off and can’t get an erection with you. He senses his place in your pecking order.

No one is owed sex on mumsnet either.

But humans have sexual drives and the monogamous relationship you are in is the only place you can express your sexuality. So when one of you has a higher libido than the other, they have to compromise.

Critically though - so does the person with the lower libido. Just like every other aspect of a relationship.

In this case, the OP’s husband has compromised because he loves and respects his wife. He’s done this for YEARS because he recognised her needs.

She has not compromised.

He isn’t owed sex. He’s owed a wife who recognises his needs and tries to accommodate them.

Or the marriage will die. Not because of lack of sex. Lack of respect.

This is one of the best and most realistic things Ive read on here
Men feel entitled, what ever they do, to sex
Wives are slot machines that should pay out whatever their behaviour.
I think the behaviour of many men changes in LTR, they stop trying and become slobs

Be more respectful. Op.
You were nasty.
His worries are genuine.

Both sit down and work out a vastly different routine. Big changes in the kids' activities etc. Make time for each other every day.
Call a weekly date a necessity. Earlier bed times. Less TV. etc etc.

Are the kids old enough to need babysitters?
Divorce is hugely more costly than affording regular adult outings and earlier nights.

yes I think you have. I get your both tired, but he sounds considerate and frankly desperate. If you are so mismatched sexually then you probably need to let him go, unless you can make time for yourselves as a couple. You need to make time for your relationship.

Yikes - this is a big problem and you both have let it get to a stage where you both need help - fast.
I'm sure you’ll get lots of advice here and you probably need professional help too.
You could easily lose your marriage over this - it amazes me that couples don’t have sex for weeks, months or years and don’t consider their relationship will suffer badly.
Try to think back to when you were dating and start doing things together again - nights out, cinema, walks and get those feelings back, kiss, hold hands etc etc make him feel special.

To go back to your original question OP if you want to “unbreak” him you need to give him a full apology for neglecting your mutual sex life over the years and a commitment to it in future. You also need to say sorry for bitchy comment.

leave the apology to settle for a few days. Then buy some sexy underwear and surprise him.
if you can afford it book another night away just the two of you.

You have worked for these things too, no?
And he also benefits from them, doesn't he?

Yeah, the fifties called.

Have you always had a low sex drive? Is it sex with your husband you don't want? Or even if Mr Adonis rocked up and said 'how about it', would you still not be interested?!! I would book a GP appointment and see if there's any underlying hormone issues as a starting point.

Yes, life with young children is tiring and very often sex is the last thing on your mind....we all recognise that. Your husband has been respectful towards you, hasn't pestered you for sex and has spoken to you about the lack of it in your relationship.

It sounds as if you need to prioritise your relationship more than you are. Do you have family close by, who could look after your children, whilst you both went out or overnight? If the answer is yes, then you need to start putting one night at least aside a month, to spend as a couple. You don't have to go away, but you need to reconnect to your husband. Do you find it difficult to relax during sex, in case the children might hear you?

Apologise for the comment you made, it was mean and isn't going to help your husband's already low self-esteem. You don't want him physically, and that's a bitter pill to swallow for him.

The ED stuff is often porn use and certain habits when masturbating. Obviously if he's not having sex he might have been using more porn when pleasuring himself and this done a lot over time reduces sexual function in many men. That's not your fault but it's just something to think about..if this is the root cause (less commonly it's things like blood pressure issues) then abstaining from both porn and masturbation for a while will usually restore some function.

Not read all the comments but my god you sound really cold towards your husband @Dingdongdingdoo

My DP has experienced ED once and hes younger than your husband, we think it was down to a lot of sex in the days prior as we were away for a weekend but I just gave him some love, told him it didnt matter and next time it was fine.

You are making a lot of excuses (sorry) do you want your marriage? I am the same age as you and also have two children of similar ages, we both work, DP 2 jobs actually and we have sex every day, sometimes twice a day.....i agree with other posters about not just thinking of sex in that moment but other things just the day, I love it when my DP randomly grabs me and kisses me passionately or when he strokes my leg when were watching tv. He loves it when I stroke his neck and if I want to really get him going I whisper in his ear 😂🙈
We hold hands and cuddle/kiss in front of the kids (not snog obvs) and they usually come running in for a group hug if we cuddle. I think its important for children to see a loving relationship and affection.

Yes youve got a lot on, but have you prioritised your partner and put his needs before you own? (As thats what i believe makes a good relationship but both partners have to do this) I dont think you have

This!

Yes I think you are at fault, you must have been aware that once every 3 months is nowhere near enough sex for a man who has not even reached middle age? He has respected your boundaries and been considerate post partum and you have taken advantage of that to have almost no sex for years- I'm not surprised resentment has built up. Then you try to fix it and make a hugely hurtful and bitchy comment like that- if I were your DH I would feel used, you are happy to take the things you like- lifestyle, help around the house , help with the kids, but are completely disinterested in keeping your DH happy. There is no crime in having a low sex drive.
You should try and work out why you have low sex drive, and try to meet DH half way, rather than just focus on your needs and ignore his- your relationship is not at all healthy, despite you being happy with it now you have cause ED it is even worse- you have fences to mend and work to do.

No one's entitled to sex and no ones entitled to marriage either. Sounds like this one's over with bar the shouting.

Wow, that was a terrible comment. Humiliating, attacking… terrible. And after he’d been so patient and respectful of you for so long. You’ll have made his anxiety worse, knowing you hold such contempt for him each time he ‘fails’.

You need to apologise, fully and sincerely after that, take full responsibility, no excuses and reassure him that there is no pressure each time to ‘perform’, things can just be as they are.

If you love him and he treats you well and you want to stay married, have sex with him once a week. It's amazing the number of women who just can't or won't accept that a healthy youngish man cannot be happy without sex.

Or if you don't want to be married to him (with everything marriage involves, including sex), that's a valid choice. But make your choice. Don't be one of those women, years after divorce, still basically thinking that everything would have been fine if their man could have just turned into a woman and angry that he didn't. Young men are not content without sex.