Have I broke my husband?

[Dingdongdingdoo]

OK - I''ve named changed here as I want some advice.... This is a mix sex/relationship question but would rather it stay in relationships if possible.

Key question - am I broken or have I broken my husband?

Context: My husband had a long chat with me about a month ago saying he was going mad internally with our "lack" of sex. We both work. We have two kids age 8 and 10. Our sex life has been a bit up and down post kids. We had some huge gaps (around 18 months) after the kids. We probably stayed at once every 3 months after this. As they got older its moved to between once every 2 weeks and every month.

Am I unusual that I'm happy with this frequency? I think my husband is a good husband. He has a good job. Loves the kids dearly. Does every bedtime, three school pick ups a week etc. We have a traditional relationship so I do more shopping ironing etc. but he will pick these tasks up when I'm at work etc (he works a little more than me. He could be better at handling the "mental load" of the house at times but I hear this as a common refrain from my friends and family about their husbands.

I'm just not as into sex as he is. I don't easily orgasm from sex but he will always spend time on foreplay and make sure im happy afterwards. We don't do marathon sessions - just one orgasm each and done. He buys me sex toys to help me orgasm and to add a bit of spice.

Husband said to me that in the years after the kids he was slowly going mad but did his best to "Internalise it" as I'd just had a baby and he loved and respected that. However, as things didn't pick up it became a bigger and bigger problem inside and he built up some resentment towards me for it. However, it didn't want to speak to me as he knew how busy I was and "nothing is less sexy than a man begging for sex".

Since he's told me - he's had a bit of a freak out. We have tried to have sex more but he's had some performance anxiety and erectile dysfunciton. I presume this is all psychological as he's only 42 and quite physically fit. I probably didn't help by being a bit annoyed and saying "you moan at me for sex then get all anxious". This made him really cross and upset.

Have I broken him? Am I not considering my husbands needs enough? How do I unbreak him because, faults and all, he is a good addition to our family.

If he’s sulking and getting moody about it. Yes.

Surely you can make more time for each other. You work 44h and he works 54h - that's not ideal (can either of you reduce that?) But even so there are many more hours in the week. It's not like you have a toddler, what does "doing bedtime" look like with a 10yo, surely it's just "don't forget to brush your teeth"? Why are you poor-meing about how busy you are, when it doesn't sound all that bad? Shopping and ironing is not even in my own list of "stuff that makes me feel busy", and I do both. They're practically time off, when you have a toddler like I do.

Prioritise your relationship, if you want to improve the situation, and stop seeing yourself as "too busy" when you aren't really.

42 is young to be experiencing ED and could have an underlying cause. He needs to see a doctor and ask for his prolactin levels checking.

If you had a normal sex drive and were in a committed relationship, how infrequent would sex have to be be for you before you started asking questions?

Maybe your poor DH couldn’t maintain an erection faced with such a cold and matter of fact partner. Maybe now he doesn’t even fancy you, you killed it stone dead.

If someone feels unwanted, unattractive, or anxious, there really isn't an entry age limit to ED.

Wow. I think that this is your fault op. You sound so cold and uncaring about him.

"We have tried to have sex more but he's had some performance anxiety and erectile dysfunciton. I presume this is all psychological as he's only 42 and quite physically fit. I probably didn't help by being a bit annoyed and saying "you moan at me for sex then get all anxious". This made him really cross and upset.
Have I broken him? Am I not considering my husbands needs enough? How do I unbreak him because, faults and all, he is a good addition to our family."

He's not broken - but is upset and feels somewhat out of things. There are always changes in family, and sex, dynamics after children are born.

From what you write he's been patient - but has talked to you about this after some time - and, again from what you've written, your response hasn't helped matters.

I think you need to talk more - may be you have differing needs and if so may be there needs to be some compromise/understanding.

The night when ED reared its head - I can't imagine a warm and welcoming mood preceded this? Then to complain about ED - well that's going to work!

You need to make more time for yourselves. It may be date nights, it may be quiet evenings. Leave the ironing for once, vacuuming can wait.

Now we've only heard one side and there are always two - but if you are to carry on as a couple you need to address the resentment building up.

Fair enough. But he should still have a blood test.

HRT at 42 saved my relationship

Fair enough. But he should still have a blood test.

Well that wasn’t the most tactful response! People have done much worse to each other and worked it out though so I’m sure you both can too. Mating in captivity by Esther Perel is a great read/listen I’d recommend it.
You sound like you do enjoy sex so it’s worth making the time for it?

I don’t know if you’re trying to be funny or cool or whatever, OP, but you’re coming across as a real dick.

You just aren't interested in sex. A lot of folk feel the same. That it's a bit of a pointless chore in a long term relationship. But its difficult when your partner is still keen. Unless you work it out the relationship is probably doomed.

I would 100% be expecting him to go and get it elsewhere after that comment. It's not unreasonable that a 42 year old man doesn't want a dead bedroom, if you don't fancy him, he will find someone that does soon enough

18 months is a very long time.

I do think your drive sounds low but there's nothing inherently wrong with that. It's a problem because it mismatches with your husband and yeah, you've been rather insensitive in how you've handled it, while he's obviously tried to be reasonable and respectful.

Some men see their wives as domestic appliances but it can go the other way too.

Bless him, that's really hard.

I also know how hard it is to have a low sex drive after having kids.

It's horrible to have to fake it and act like you're into it when you're not.

Maybe have a chat with your GP? You're obviously busy with the kids etc and if you're lacking in anything it could be adding to your tiredness and hence lack of interest.

Maybe it's all become a bit routine and you need a weekend away?

He definitely needs some care and attention after that comment!

Honestly it sounds like you're doing a mental cost/benefit analysis in your head: on paper you seem think you've got a good deal but you could be talking about a car or a washing machine.

You don't fancy him/can't be bothered to have sex with him: it's normal that people's libidos wane during the years of small children/hard work, but you don't seem to have any desire for him at all and seem to regard sex as a chore. You seem to see him as a provider/helper who contributes to the household, does what's asked of him and is reliable But there doesn't seem to be much affection, let alone passion.

I don't blame him for feeling anxious and frustrated, to be honest. It sounds like you only want him around for economic reasons and support, and he's picking up on that.

you moan at me for sex then get all anxious

Did you really tell the man who had patiently waited through a one and a half years long sex drought twice, and had then accepted sex four times a year for several years after that, and had then respectfully raised the topic with you now that the children are older and it's still less than fortnightly... that he MOANED at you for sex!? Gosh, OP. I'm the one with the higher libido in my marriage and if my husband ever said something like that when I'd tried to respectfully discuss our sex life with him I'd be devastated.

I don't easily orgasm from sex but he will always spend time on foreplay and make sure im happy afterwards. We don't do marathon sessions - just one orgasm each and done. He buys me sex toys to help me orgasm and to add a bit of spice.

I'm a bit confused about what you mean here - do you mean that you don't easily orgasm from penetrative sex? Because that is the case for most women. It's very normal for women to need more direct stimulation to orgasm.

Can I ask, did you ever like sex? I'm curious because people with low sex drives (I believe a sexless marriage is technically considered as less than ten times a year, which isn't sexless really but gives you a ballpark of what "really not a lot of sex" is viewed as) often seem to say that they've never really liked it. Is that the case for you or have you gone off it since having kids?

You might find Come As You Are and Mating In Captivity useful reading. I do think that the most helpful first step you could take is to recognise that the amount of sex you want IS considered low by most people and that your husband is probably the one with the more average drive. It doesn't matter what your libido is per se, but you give off vibes of thinking that he's somehow weird for wanting more frequent sex which he really isn't. It would probably help matters if you could consider that your drive is low and his is more typical and make that the starting point for discussing what to do about the mismatch instead of you accusing him of being peculiarly highly sexed, which it really doesn't sound like he is.

It comes across like you see sex as a chore, a thing to tick off a list, and therefore you got cross with him when he experienced ED because you just wanted to get it over and done with (even though you do generally enjoy sex when it gets going?). It that a fair description?

My husband (healthy slim weight, non-smoker etc.) has experienced ED a couple of times in the two decades we've been married, once in his twenties and once in his thirties I think. One time he was really exhausted from work and the other time we'd had sex quite a lot in the previous few days (on holiday!). Both times I politely didn't mention it, it's such a loaded and vulnerable thing for a man to go through. I just gave him a cuddle and things were fine the next time.

That comment was pretty harsh OP. If it is a psychological cause wouldn’t that make you want to be more kind and respectful rather than impatient?

However overall I think counseling would help you to understand where each other are coming from. I also think going over your budget, chores and responsibilities and reassessing what is essential and what isn’t so that you can both prioritize your family and your wellbeing is called for. Sex aside it doesn’t sound like either of you are happy.

Could the resentment towards you be the cause of the ED?

😂

I agree with this. Unless you both have zero sex drive, or have an open marriage, your marriage is the only place where you can express your sexuality and it is a form of torture not to be able to inhabit your full sexual self.

The OP's partner has been so respectful and patient. He isn't an entitled man.

OP, have a read up of responsive desire. It's something many of us lean on HEAVILY while we're juggling work, kids and life. It's a lot - but taking your eye off the ball of your marriage is shitty. Your husband clearly accepts he has to share your focus. That doesn't mean he should get NO focus.

He never said anything, then when he did he said he resented her, honestly that would piss me off. And OP responded with upping the frequency, I think OP done nothing wrong and doesn’t deserve to be called cold and things.

now he needs to be honest about his ED, but it’s probably just him bottling resentment again.