Have I broke my husband?

[Dingdongdingdoo]

OK - I''ve named changed here as I want some advice.... This is a mix sex/relationship question but would rather it stay in relationships if possible.

Key question - am I broken or have I broken my husband?

Context: My husband had a long chat with me about a month ago saying he was going mad internally with our "lack" of sex. We both work. We have two kids age 8 and 10. Our sex life has been a bit up and down post kids. We had some huge gaps (around 18 months) after the kids. We probably stayed at once every 3 months after this. As they got older its moved to between once every 2 weeks and every month.

Am I unusual that I'm happy with this frequency? I think my husband is a good husband. He has a good job. Loves the kids dearly. Does every bedtime, three school pick ups a week etc. We have a traditional relationship so I do more shopping ironing etc. but he will pick these tasks up when I'm at work etc (he works a little more than me. He could be better at handling the "mental load" of the house at times but I hear this as a common refrain from my friends and family about their husbands.

I'm just not as into sex as he is. I don't easily orgasm from sex but he will always spend time on foreplay and make sure im happy afterwards. We don't do marathon sessions - just one orgasm each and done. He buys me sex toys to help me orgasm and to add a bit of spice.

Husband said to me that in the years after the kids he was slowly going mad but did his best to "Internalise it" as I'd just had a baby and he loved and respected that. However, as things didn't pick up it became a bigger and bigger problem inside and he built up some resentment towards me for it. However, it didn't want to speak to me as he knew how busy I was and "nothing is less sexy than a man begging for sex".

Since he's told me - he's had a bit of a freak out. We have tried to have sex more but he's had some performance anxiety and erectile dysfunciton. I presume this is all psychological as he's only 42 and quite physically fit. I probably didn't help by being a bit annoyed and saying "you moan at me for sex then get all anxious". This made him really cross and upset.

Have I broken him? Am I not considering my husbands needs enough? How do I unbreak him because, faults and all, he is a good addition to our family.

From a male perspective i think you're right, sex in any relationship has it's place, it shows that you still connect with each other on a certain level, when it's no longer a part of a relationship it creates division, frustration and it makes you question whether you're partner is still invested in you, i think it's unreasonable to expect that you'll bonk like rabbits for you're whole life, it's just generally not the norm as a relationship progresses but dealing with a complete withdrawal of all sexual related activity can be really damaging regardless of whether you are male or female, for the person who doesn't want it it's fine they can just carry on as normal but for the other half it's painful and has an effect on their mental wellbeing...it's a difficult subject though because there is way more to a relationship than sex but if you need it, you need it, but you don't want it if the other person isn't emotionally coming to the party because then it's just a means to get off. I have no answers yet as i haven't really accepted that celibacy is going to be a part of my future, not sure i can do that.

I had thought this - but I was worried its a fine line between this and a transactional type relationship. I want us both to want it ideally. I don't want to make DH's needs one of my chores.

Whilst I absolutely agree it shouldn't be a chore, it is established in sex counselling sessions that scheduling sex does help to rekindle things. Whilst it will seem a bit odd, it can be one of those things that works as somwtimes you forget that it's nice and a fun thing to do. So doing it deliberately as a scheduled thing can be helpful. It may not work for you. Just a thought

But why would mastubating/pleasuring him be a chore?

Your angle at this is all wrong. You are looking at it all as something you HAVE to do....it should be something you want to do....
Do you kiss, stroke, massage, passionately kiss, cuddle, hold hands.....anything?

@Dingdongdingdoo i hear you, if only one of you wants it it's a bit weird. That's why ultimately there isn't really a fix for a relationship where one of you wants it and the other doesn't, well other than medical intervention where possible. Hard to get your head around really.

Meeting your partner’s needs is what a relationship is all about. Reciprocally, across the board. Meeting their emotional needs, thinking about ways to make their life nicer/easier, encouraging their interests and growth. And yes, intimacy too. Putting their needs first sometimes.

When it’s a one way street it’s hell. When it’s two-way, it’s bliss.

You sound either depressed, burned out putting the kids’ needs first or deeply uninterested in your husband as a human beyond what he can do for you. Only you know which. But if it’s the latter, you have to pretend to care if you want your marriage to work. Because he sounds like a good, respectful, loving man, and you sound like someone who’s pissed off that they have to service their hoover, they just want it to stop being so bloody needy and keep cleaning for them.

Agreed. If you feel it’s a chore he will too and could also result in another ED situation.

another alternative is to just start at massage - nothing sexual - just rebuilding the skin to skin connection.

if I’m honest I think you’re viewpoint on ‘ideal’ is too rigid and is holding you back. No sex for 18 months was not ideal for him but he managed to weather it (unhappily as it appears). I think trying multiple options for contact and see what works for you both is the way to go

Do you want to be close to him? Not sexually but emotionally, to have a deep intrinsic connection with him, so even when apart you feel truly loved and vice versa.

To get this, you need to have sex. Don’t see it as a chore. See it as a part of giving your marriage everything you’ve got and it deserves (it’s what you signed up for). YOU alone need to work on your marriage then the odd dry spell won’t matter.

If you don’t care about having a loving partnership and you’d rather not be in this situation anymore, then be honest with yourself and your DH.

I want us both to want it ideally.

Do you? I mean, do you want to want it? (You sound like what you actually want is for your husband not to want it, if you see what I mean.)

@BackTo2000 probably one of the best responses i've seen on this thread, kind of nails it really.

There’s nothing wrong with either of you. You are just mismatched and unfortunately it’s unlikely to get better. Either you have sex you don’t want and resent him or he resents you for not having more sex.

@Dingdongdingdoo one thing i hadn't considered was how hard it would be to walk away from someone you love and lust over, i've been with my wife for over 17 years and although i crave her all the time there has been no intimacy for nearly 5 years, there are reasons for it to a degree but when i think about walking away, kids and everything else aside it's very hard to imagine walking away from someone when you love them and still fancy the pants of them. It's far easier to walk away from someone you've fallen out of love with, someone you don't fancy or someone who has cheated on you. But in this scenario it's like you're considering walking away from something that isn't broken but in a way (and an important one) it is...make some sense of that...

It does sound like something needs fixing. You appear to be carrying some resentment too. I’m not convinced by relationship counselling I hear too many stories of bad experiences. You could consider if there is someone who can act as a “coach,” someone much older who can help to work through with you how you approach things at home. There may be ways to do things better, to think about things that are going on at home differently. Would it make you less overwhelmed, perhaps if you are feeling guilt about things they can help with that.

You seem to have a very negative view of his sexuality (probably not helped by being on here), you describe yourself as “slightly lower sex drive” but you seemed to be happy at once every 3 months (not uncommon for women in long term relationships), he seems to have a normal sex drive for a man and basically daily. You see that as “weird” and “oversexed.” In the vast majority of relationships the mans sex drive will be higher, a few will be lower. The miss match you have is something some couples can work with, but your tendency to shame him by effectively expressing disgust and being cruel makes me think something else is also going on.

It sounds like the relationship has spent many years with marriage being sexless. Though you may just be just outside that position now. So it may be broken beyond repair, he may have checked out or be in the process of checking out. It is hard to know as people some times don’t realise they got to the point for some time.

As an aside, have you ever been accessed for ASD? Some of they ways you describe things makes me ask if you should be?

He said he would probably do it 4-5 times a week (Is this normal for a man in his 40s) if I wasn't around.

What's 'normal'? I'm a woman in my 40s and I masturbate every day, whether I'm in a relationship or not.

@BuckChuckets wow...just wow 😳there is hope out there!

I think the question you may want to explore is what makes the once a year hotel stay so special? And think of elements you can build into your day to day intimate life with your husband. And yes, intimacy should be every day. I don’t mean sex every day but kissing, holding hands, massaging each other, cheeky flirtations, and hugs.

Massages don’t have to lead to sex. Often when I put my feet up my partner will massage my legs and feet on auto pilot as he knows my legs ache.

i think you should help your partner to masturbate as him going solo all the time must be pretty lonely. And it really doesn’t take long and you never know, it might turn you on and eventually lead to other things. It will be time that is just for you both. Honestly it’s hard for me to give this advice as I can’t keep my hands off my partner, and vice versa. We have sex about 3-4 times a week and it helps us when we have stressful times as we can reconnect and show each other love and care.

It’s your way of making him feel loved. Sounds awful but you have to fake it til you make it. Often for women, once we’ve broken through the barrier and almost forced ourselves we can start to enjoy it.
if we don’t use it, we lose it.

OP, don't have sex that you dont want. And that includes wanking your H 🙄

It's completely counterproductive: repeatedly having unwanted sex, including unwanted consensual sex, is not only guaranteed to kill what is left of your libido stone dead, it also builds up psychological injury in you that is hard to repair.

He shouldn't be pressurising you, it's coercive. What decent man wants to have sex that he's harassed and whined and punished his wife into, anyway? No one is owed sex, whether you're married, you've fucked thousands of times, or you really really want it. He should leave if he's not happy with the level of sex.

OP why don't you start there and make a controlled plan to exit the marriage by mutual consent when the kids are a bit older?

He is unhappy, you don't love him and find his body/ sexual thoughts icky, so why not plan for that and give you both light at the end of the tunnel?

I think that is fairly normal - I'm 46 and is probably 4ish times a week.

This is good advice.

He buys you flowers and treats on Fridays, puts the kids first always, pulls his weight and respectfully went 18 months without sec without whinging… He sounds like a turn on to me.

Have you ever had therapy for your emotional repression and intimacy issues?

@Dingdongdingdoo are you on hormonal birth control? It has a lot to answer for!
Can you remember things that used to turn you on? Chick lit, chick flicks, Mills and Boon novels or Jilly Cooper novels (guilty!), particular songs?
Do you think you could say to your DH you want to find your way back to feeling sexual again, without having sex initially, and then set time aside one evening a week to lie in bed together and do the stuff you find arousing e.g. read a sexy story together? Maybe stroke each other? Maybe later on he could masturbate next to you while you touched his chest or whatever, with zero obligations?
I really don't understand the negativity around masturbation, it is a completely natural phenomenon for both men and women and not in any way linked to depravity or violence or whatever. Excessive violent porn use is a different story, but people have been looking at nudie pictures for a verrrrrry long time (the Romans etc). In my workplace, the female secretaries' office features very large very suggestive photos of topless famous men.
Why pathologise normal sexual desire and joy? (I address this last part to the segments of MN that clutch their pearls if a man wanks once a year. I mean, did you not see any animals at all growing up?? We've pretty much the same biology!)

You'll be divorced in five years or less op, I'd bet my house on it.

You don't love him, you don't want to fuck him so if I were you I'd set him free so that he can find someone who can do those things.

I know couples where one partner works full-time, in a job they do not especially enjoy, because it provides a good income for their family. And the other partner works full-time in something that earns much less money, but they find enormously fulfilling. In that situation, I think the partner who is doing a job they dislike is giving the other partner a certain lifestyle.

Now, I have no idea if this is OP's situation with regards to salary. I agree there are situations in which it is unreasonable to say "he feels like he's worked to give me everything I've wanted: home, house, money, kids and I've kind of forgotten about him which was sad." I don't think we have enough information to know whether or not it's unreasonable in this circumstance.