Found DH ChatGPT conversation considering an affair or leaving me.

[BeachFace]

My husband doesnt understand ChatGPT and that conversations are saved and neatly labelled. So today I saw a conversation on the PC at home "marriage troubles"

In a long conversation he says the following

"I couldn't care less about how she feels. I care about how i feel. Im not interested in what's she thinks. I care about my own feelings and my kids" (in resposne to ChatGPT trying to say I have feelings too)

"She's a hormonal mess. Adhd probably too looking at her. Bored of having to support her or listen to her. I deserve affection"

"How to make her sit down and listen and reflect on her behaviour"

"Weighing up whether to get affection from elsewhere or just leave her"

I haven't cherrypicked bits. There isn't one message that shows any love for me.

The weird thing as I read it I felt relief rather than sadness

I actually asked for a divorce in 2025 after he was so horrible to me after birth of our kids. And he begged me and committed to therapy. Lots of "i know it's a two way thing and I need to make some effort"

This is a man who does bare minimum and ive tolerated it for a long time,but who begged me to stay and promised to work on our relationship.

I know I need to leave. I'm so scared. Im so confused if he feels like this why did he beg like a crazy person for me to stay less than a year ago. He begged and cried and said he loved me more than ever

If he's so fed up why wont he let me go??? Do I say anything what i saw?

Have you phoned round the solicitors in your area BeachFace to get the half hour’s free advice? Your partner won’t know. When you will know what is due to your DCs and yourself you can start planning.
Also see your GP to get help for your health, they will know what you need as you are run down both physically and mentally

Don't worry about the lads holiday timing, just do whatever timing suits you. As others have said don't do anything without speaking to a solicitor first and truly getting your ducks in a row. Has he given you the money he owes for bills?

I will lose money im afraid. I used inheritance to pay deposit and then again paid off a chunk of mortgage. I earn more than him. I will be losing money. He pays v little towards anything. I dont really know how much or how little he has. But on paper at this point I will be worse off. I haven't called all the solicitors but I've had advice before.

Yes! Ha. So after reading this thread and we took dc swimming lessons. And I asked him and he said "ah yeah Ill do that later" and I was like "why dont you do it now" and wouldn't let it drop. And now if course its the 1st again so I've paid all the mortgage and bills and nothing from him. So now I have to nag for him to pay anything towards the July costs. Its like living with an unreliable lodger!

It’s the price you pay for freedom. It bloody sucks, but if you get rid of him your bills go down, you could move to a smaller house may be, and might be paying maintenance depending on your contact arrangements so it might not be as bad you think.

You need to have the proof to show the solicitor that you have paid the down payment, and that you have paid a big chunk of the mortgage.Find those papers and bank statements and try to find his codes Get on your phone today and sort this out, book a solicitor and a doctor, if not for yourself do it for your children.
This is not, when shall I tell him but how can I secure my DCs future

Do you know how low my standards are? Today he mentioned sanding the floor in the bathroom and that he might do it over the summer. And i was so amazed at the suggestion he might do something helpful or that wasnt solely to benefit him...I started doubting whether leaving is a good idea. He hasnt even done it! Just a suggestion and Im like "awww maybe hes not that bad"

Yes, so your standards are quite literally on the floor then?

(sorry couldn’t resist!)

Look at it another way, he’s awful enough that something unremarkable like this is great in comparison to everything else. You don’t need to do anything until you are ready, but keep getting things in place behind the scenes. Don’t settle for the crumbs of nothing from him while you continue to carry everything on your shoulders.

Codes to what? His bank?

What im not clear about are my options if (after i tell) he stays at the house, being unbearable, calling me every name under the sun, crying, slamming doors *all in front of DC and he refuses to pay any money to house, bills, childcare. This is most likely outcome. Do i just have to tolerate that until the divorce is settled? Thats feels v v damaging to dc. Intolerable really. Ive seen flashes of what he can be like and the thought of the dc witnessing that for many, many months is horrendous. I did ask refuge and they just asked me i wanted a refuge. Ill try and talk to solicitors tomorrow.

@BeachFace so basically you’re afraid of further domestic abuse and it escalating to violence potentially when you tell him? Have you spoken to a solicitor about all this? Your gp? If you haven’t, then this is surely your next step before anything else.

He was such a shit to me this evening. Just randomly started laying into me. I cant even remember what I said. Something so insignificant about the house. And he just pounced. I lack "any awareness" "no self reflection". He talked about that in the chatgpt - "how can I get her to self reflect? To be aware of her own issues". He then said I was "fucking exhausting". I feel the contempt. It's bubbling under the surface at all times

Im afraid I've drank 2/3 glasses of rose and now lying on the sofa feeling sorry for myself.

I feel im in groundhog day.

Yes codes to his bank accounts as you can see his ‘chats’ maybe he has left evidence of other things in the history on his devices.
He doesn’t seem to pay his fair share, you don’t know what his wage is but he can go on holiday with the lads and he has money to buy alcohol.

Feel for you OP. You might well be stuck in a house with him for a bit after you file for divorce but you are stuck in a house with him now anyway so filing the divorce would at least move the process on a bit.

i was stuck with my ex for months and it was utter shit. I reported him to the police during that time and started to be supported by local domestic abuse agency. There are usually places like women’s centres who can provide counselling and other support to people trying to leave abusive relationships. Or your gp might be able to refer you.

From my lived experience:
get your finances locked down, make sure he can’t withdraw any money from any joint accounts without you knowing, and if you share a mortgage make sure he can’t make any changes to that without your permission
make sure your solicitor is aware of the abuse, a good solicitor will tell you what the law means for your situation and what a likely outcome is for you and not just recite statute at you
get an escape bag packed with contact numbers, chargers, a few clothes, toothbrushes etc just in case
diarise everything, and do as much of your communication with him in writing as possible, the lies these men tell will astound you
try and look after yourself as much as you can, sometimes looking after yourself is eating vegetables and going for a run and sometimes it’s curling up on the sofa and eating chocolate, it’s a rough ride, but the better position you can get yourself in physically and mentally the better you’ll come out the other side.

Unfortunately for me it looks like half a bottle of wine on the sofa by myself. I never get drunk. But it's too much of a habit. I then doom scroll and feel glum and then feel down on myself in the morning. And my face looks puffy. Someone talked about looking after myself to be as strong as possible to get through what is just ahead and im definitely not doing that. No gym. Or self care. Just work, kids, get treated like shit, drink wine by myself, bed. Thats my life every day.

@Beaniebobbins do you have dc? Does your ex still see them after you called the police? Im sorry you went through that. Hope things are better now.

My husband has a dbs check as part of job so Id be v wary to call police but I wl if I have to.

If you husband has dbs checks maybe he works for a government department or similar where there are grades in jobs which will say how much min/max he gets?

Hi OP
Just to say that if he really ramps up the abusive behaviour after you tell him you want a divorce, you can instruct your solicitor to apply for an Ouster order, ie to make him leave the house.
Keep a note of all of the behaviours, report to the police, tell them you're scared of him, and scared for your children

💐

DA charity will advise you to report any threatening behaviour or things that make you feel unsafe to the police especially if there is an escalation in his behaviour. I think I’ve spoken to the police twice and really the second time i mainly wanted advice about all the cameras that he was watching me on. I’ve been told to report on him on several other occasions too because it helps build up a record of their pattern of behaviour but it takes a lot of time and of all the agencies I’ve spoken to the police are the most dismissive. But the last week or so he has been threatening again, I’ve handled it by insisting hand overs with the kids are in a neutral location but it does make me feel a bit better knowing that if I had to call them for immediate protection they know this is not a one off.

your exes dbs check is your exes problem. If he wants that kept clear he shouldn’t do anything that will end up on it.

start small with self care, switch wine for something non alcoholic, put your phone out of reach and watch tv. Even just going for a five or ten minute walk might be helpful. It’s not about starting a new diet or punishing exercise routine in the middle of the most stressful time of your life, it’s just if you notice that something makes you feel worse, try to avoid or adapt it, or if it makes you feel better, no matter how small it is, try to do a bit more of it.

You could consider speaking to NCDV. If you tell him you want a divorce and he refuses to leave the house/make life difficult, they may be able to help you get injunctions to have him removed from the home.

I dont know why I try to make small talk. I told him about a colleague at work complaining about something and he said "ah. You and your colleagues are such classic examples of toxic feminity. Just women being mad at work".

It was such a boring (non gendered) work story. He is such a sexist pig! Every thinh i say to him he uses it to say how awful i am. Or how awful women are

I dont know how im sharing a house with this man. That hes gonna walk off with half the house after contributing fuck all.

Im the idiot really. Just kidding myself for so many years. And I still feel unable to leave. My poor kids.

Will he really walk away with half? Sorry, haven't RTFT and am not a legal bod, but please check that out before you assume he'll get 50%.

@BeachFace you really need to speak to a solicitor and get the actual facts about what a divorce would look like. Maybe do that while he’s off on his ‘lads holiday’. You’re fretting about what he can walk off with, but if he’s so tight with money, doesn’t pay his way etc, you may find that he’s been stashing cash away in his own bank account. Whatever - you need proper, up-to-date advice. Knowledge is power!

My shitty ex is likely to walk with half of everything too, even though he did virtually nothing with the kids, hardly anything around the house and was in fact shagging his long term girlfriend when I thought he was working late/going to work early. He contributed nothing to the household bills either. It is galling. But it is the price I have to pay to get him out of my life. I just have to think of it as the money I paid to get my kids.

also the way your husband talks to you is just like the way my ex talked to me. Nothing I said was of any importance, for years he never asked my opinion, never engaged in a meaningful conversation, everything is dismissed or belittled. But the. If there is someone else there the charm comes out.

it is the shits OP but it won’t always feel this shitty. One day you will be in your home enjoying some quiet freedom and realise that you have the rest of your life to enjoy doing whatever you want to do.