Is it odd my boyfriend barely checked in during a hen do?

[Freddie15VES]

Feeling a bit off about new relationship

long story short, we’ve only been together 7 months. I went on a hen do this weekend and he barely spoke to me, I was trying to talk to him like I usually do (I was on a hen do not on the other side of the world) and I was getting the very minimum back from him! He said he was ‘leaving me to it’

what got me more was I’d told him how I was really anxious about going, there were loads of people I didn’t know! So he knew this, but instead of checking in, he just let me deal with it

i just felt really alone, it’s not like we were doing something every hour of the day. It was a huge rented house (he knows all this) so a lot of chilling and sitting around

my ex (father of my kids) asked me if I was having fun more than my now boyfriend did….he only asked me twice in passing convo about the children. But still checked in more than my now boyfriend

is this odd?! Am I over thinking?!

No I don’t. But I do think it’s a shame when people instantly jump on an op when it’s fairly obvious that this is new/unusual behaviour and possibly linked to him being pissed off that she’s gone away. I don’t know him and I don’t know her so I’m not going to cast disparaging remarks about either of them. But I’m saying she isn’t unreasonable to question it if it feels off.

Ahem. Are you sure you're over your ex, OP?

i promise, I’m not a twat.

I just got really really really hurt in my previous relationship and im very suddenly now realising that I definitely 100% need to go back to therapy

No, I’m not over the relationship I don’t think! And I think being at a hen do this weekend really stirred some shit emotions. He wasn’t good to me, he’s really messed my head up and very much broken my heart. I am over him as a person as he did awful things…but I’m not over what I thought my life would be - if that makes any sense. the marriage, 2 kids, ‘how it should be’ Stupid I know. But also I’m in the midst of an ADHD diagnosis and realising that I really struggle with rejection, so him not messaging me as much as I’m used to (which is actually the unhealthier of the 2) made me spiral. But, no I’m not a twat. Just a very broken, hurt mum of 2 very young kids trying to hold my shit together

my boyfriend is amazing and we’ve both spoken about probably meeting each other sooner than either of us would have hoped, but aside from me having the occasional wobble, I am genuinely very happy with him. Just maybe not very happy with myself

(also contacted my therapist tonight with an sos)

I would be really annoyed if I was being "checked in with" when I was on a hen do

Please don’t blame your partner for your previous one, and please don’t compare the two a you have been doing here.

It’s not good for him or for you.

I would never ring my husband when he's away, messages yes, but I don't want to stay up until 1 am. And the other way round.
Now if you wanted to talk, there's nothing wrong with that (assuming you're not abandoning the hen by being outside on your phone the whole time), but as you've not been together long, he might well be worried about seeming controlling/worried your friends will say he's insecure or controlling, not leaving you alone.

Needed to hear that. Thanks

What’s he been like since? Is he in the huff?

Your updates sound much more positive OP.

But to answer your original question I wouldn’t expect you to hear from my partner at all if I was on a hen do I might send him funny videos but would probably leave it until I got home so we could share together. I don’t think he’s done anything wrong here

I dont think the OP is being over needy. If I am away on a weekend I will message other half, pics of us out, food etc... I would not, not message and I would also expect normal chit chat.

You have women’s intuition. My friend got this gut feeling while she and I were at a wedding and her bf was in the USA and he was indeed penis deep in an ex fling there (she has amazing fbi level investigation skills)

It’s th change in the usual pattern that has made your spider senses tingle

Been with my partner for many years but I never initiate contact if he

I’d have expected him not to contact you unless replying to a message from you and then perhaps once a day max .

Your expectations are too much

Completely normal. I leave my DH alone on nights out and it would piss me off if he was constantly checking in with me.

If I was away on a girls trip or hen thing, I'd be furious if my husband kept checking in on me. Your BF is doing completely the right thing leaving you to enjoy the weekend without interruptions.

Why are they too much? She just wants him to message at their normal rate.

I would be worried if my partner only text me once a day for a few days when I was away.

Needy...

Be cautious on your neediness. Instead have fun and les e him guesssibg. Look up the elastic band theory.

How is it needy?

We text multiple times a day when we’re both at home. We don’t live together. When I go away, the pace doesn’t change. If I’m actually out with my friends whilst I’m away I won’t text back, much like if I’m out on a night out at home, but would reply in the morning or if we were just chilling around the pool. I wouldn’t expect him to not text me back because I was away.

I would reply to all of his messages whilst he was away as normal too. Obviously there might be hours that go by whilst he’s busy, as there might be when he’s at home, but I wouldn’t not reply to his messages because he’s away. I would be normal and consistent and he’d reply when he wasn’t busy, exactly the same as he acts.

The consistency and easiness is one of the things I love most about him. No playing games, not jealousy, and never any worry, because it’s consistent.

It might be that OP’s boyfriend is just trying to give her space, but there’s no reason he can’t just text as normal and she can reply in her own time. A sudden, strange change in style needs to be kept an eye on in case he’s trying to punish her for going away.

It's very needy and high maintenance. If one in the relationship is away at a hen or stag, then one or two texts is fine. There's no need to be constantly messaging somebody when they're supposed to be away somewhere enjoying themselves in company.

I wonder if he was throwing a strop because you are away?

I think the op would've wanted that. That's the point, I think...😂

Surely you just reply to the text?

If I am on a hen do and I text my partner, he’ll reply. I wouldn’t expect him to think ‘I better not reply, she’s on a hen do’. He’ll reply and I’ll reply when I’m not busy. Neither OP nor I are talking about being bombarded with texts, we’re talking about normal conversation.

I go away with friends five or six times a year and he just replies to my text as he would here. It’s not a huge deal to go away. I can’t imagine him thinking ‘I better not reply, she’s away’. He wouldn’t give it a second thought.

I wonder if there is some difference here between people who live with their partners and for whom going away is quite a big thing and a change to their usual face to face communication, as opposed to those of us who communicate by text more than anything else and are away quite regularly.

It’s very clearly not the point. She’s worried he has thrown a stop and that’s why he’s changed his communication. This isn’t particularly difficult to understand.