Is it odd my boyfriend barely checked in during a hen do?

[Freddie15VES]

Feeling a bit off about new relationship

long story short, we’ve only been together 7 months. I went on a hen do this weekend and he barely spoke to me, I was trying to talk to him like I usually do (I was on a hen do not on the other side of the world) and I was getting the very minimum back from him! He said he was ‘leaving me to it’

what got me more was I’d told him how I was really anxious about going, there were loads of people I didn’t know! So he knew this, but instead of checking in, he just let me deal with it

i just felt really alone, it’s not like we were doing something every hour of the day. It was a huge rented house (he knows all this) so a lot of chilling and sitting around

my ex (father of my kids) asked me if I was having fun more than my now boyfriend did….he only asked me twice in passing convo about the children. But still checked in more than my now boyfriend

is this odd?! Am I over thinking?!

Hmm hard to say, but was he 'leaving you to it' or sulking a bit?

You’re definitely overthinking. I’m not sure what you were expecting from him? I wouldn’t do more than reply to a text or 2 if my other half was away for the weekend.

You were off doing what you wanted but seem upset that he was perhaps doing the same; spending the time being busy doing what he wanted.

Perhaps if he knew your ex was checking in on you so often he thought that was enough.

Maybe what’s needed is for you to more clearly explain to him the other ways in which your ex is better than he is, so he understands where he’s failing.

Massively overthinking. You were away, with at least some people you’re close to. Constant texting from him would have separated you from the group and potentially triggered your nerves by reminding you of home (just like kids on their first school trip). He did exactly the right thing.

So you’re annoyed he wasn’t constantly messaging you on YOUR break for a hen do?!

Honestly, you sound very needy here. What IS odd however, is your ex checking in on you during a Hen do. That’s just weird.

How frequently do you expect him to call or text you? If you needed to speak to him about something why didn’t you call him?

Was this your first trip apart - had you talked about how frequently you would keep in touch? If he didn't know you wanted regular contact he might've assumed you would prefer to be left alone or think you were busy enjoying yourself.

Are you happy in the relationship overall, or do you look for permission to end it? I sounds like he trusted you and had no issues letting you do your thing without checking all the time. If he had texted you throughout, would you be here posting ‘my BF texted me all weekend while I was away with friends’?

You don’t need to find red flags or reasons to end a relationship, if he’s not for you, just tell him that. If you do want to be with him, have a look whether you’re subconsciously self-sabotaging and creating ‘can’t win’ situations for him.

You’re overthinking it. My husband tells me off for texting him and feels by thinking of him he’s taking me away from having fun with my friends. He wants me to have fun with some freedom from being tied to talking to him. It’s a nice thing.

Unless he was sulking, my ex would’ve done that!!

I think you're being a bit odd.

I think it would be clingy and possessive to text you constantly when you're away with friends socialising.

Far better he trusts you and isn't trying to control you or keep your attention all the time.

On that information you are over thinking it, regular check ins when you are out /away with others would seem controlling to me.

I really don’t understand why you’d expect to be messaging your boyfriend back and forth the whole time like you normally do when you’re on a hen do. A hen do is a girls’ weekend and most men would assume that they should keep their interaction to a minimum.

In this situation my DP and I would probably just send each a goodnight and maybe ‘morning, how’s your hangover’ messages.

Overthinking I think. If DP or I go away then we tend to leave each other to it. If she's on a hen do then I'm assuming she's going to be busy with her friends. I'll probably text to say Good night, but other than that I'll let her initiate conversation if she wants to. If not, she'll be home in a few days, we can catch up about what's happened then.

I wouldn't expect much contact for a weekend away. The quick "hope it's going ok" type message which I assume is along the lines of what you describe as bare minimum, would be enough.

If you were nervous about meeting new people, I'm not sure how him messaging "how are you getting on with the new people?" would have made you less nervous. The "how did it all go" proper conversation happens when you get back, not when you are mid weekend.

If you'd expected more, you perhaps should have been clear in advance.

Also not sure why you are comparing your ex's level of communication - the point is surely that you want something different from your ex in your current relationship.

I'd expect maybe a short call (couple of minutes) or maybe a couple of brief texts at the most in this situation. Also that you'd be the one initiating them as he wouldn't know when you are free. My DH is away on a stag this weekend, just checked my phone logs, he called me for three mins yesterday afternoon and no messages. I haven't made any attempt to contact him. In fact I'd hate it if I was away or out with friends and he kept messaging, fortunately he isn't possessive and gives me plenty of space. So in short I think he's being perfectly normal and reasonable and doesn't want you to be even more separated from the group that you already seem to be by keeping you on your phone all the time.

If my partner went on a weekend with mates I definitely wouldn’t check in on him and vice versa. I’d be too busy being present for the people around me. All sounds odd to me. Are there trust issues?

Blimey, give the poor man some space. You’d have done better to pay attention to the people you were with instead of mithering him.

To be honest, I think you're the odd one expecting him to. I would leave a partner to it in this situation too, why should you need checked in on if you're away having fun with friends?

It sounds like you expect a certain level of hand holding from your partner. I don't think that it's wrong in of itself but its something that not everyone will realise that you need or be willing to meet that level of need. I think you need to lay out your expectations more openly but you have to accept that he may not be keen.

Pretty much 😶

I think it’s not so much what’s ‘normal’ for checking in on a weekend away, more that it’s a situation the OP has told her BF she’s anxious about. Could be anything really. You’d hope a caring partner would ‘check in’ that you’re ok, not just say ‘I’ll leave you to it’ when they know it’s something you’ve been worrying about.

You're being needy. You're are on a weekend away.

A competent adult doesn't need anyone to "check in" with them! If you're away on a girls' weekend, I don't understand why you wanted - or had time - to contact him. Most people just enjoy themselves, then speak to their partner when they get home.
But it's a very new relationship, so if you're not happy with him, this is the time to sort it out.

How often did he message? And how much were you expecting?

I’d expect a message in the morning, and evening at most, maybe only once a day.