Worried about possible red flags early dating?

[Sheshappy123]

Ive been dating a guy for the past 6 weeks (although it feels much longer and things have moved fast and we do have strong feelings for each other already) but a few things have rang small alarm bells in my head and wanted to see wether others would think these are red flags

He looks at my phone when I’m texting and asks who I’m talking to

i noticed one night that he’d looked through my phone as it was open on messages that I hadn’t looked at in ages

He was messing around like play fighting with me and put his arm hard against my throat I got upset and did cry as my last relationship was a little violent at times and I suffered abuse as a child from my mums partner, he did seem upset though and apologised and said he was worried that he’d messed it up but since then he has been quite heavy handed and hurt me a few more times

He’s is a little bossy and will ask me to go in the Kitchen get him a drink etc or ask me to pass him something that’s right next to him

he likes to slap me in the face during sex or grab my throat but he knows I don’t mind this as long as it’s not too hard

He drinks quite a lot mostly every day- goes to bed with a can of alcohol

has thrown up in my garden a few times from being drunk (I did tell him the second time I didn’t like this as it bought back traumatic memories of my mum being an alcoholic) he did kind of apologise but also kind of turnt it round on me saying are you really gonna get funny about it and why didn’t you at least rub my back (I did the first time)

he used to be addicted to cocaine but has been clean 6 months

he’s really charming and gets along with everyone has lots of friends but when on a night one he met one of my friends and she said he’s really nice but said it seems “smoke and mirrors” and just go slowly/be careful

when on a night out another guy grabbed my arm to get me to sit back down (we were with a group of people we just met) and he got aggressive to him and nearly got in a fight”

he’s told me openly that his last relationship went downhill because of drink and drugs on both sides and it becoming toxic and it came to an end when they had a fight and they both became aggressive and he accidentally hurt her, he’s not seen his children since then as his ex moved away, he also openly said she has accused him of being controlling and coercive

He openly admits he struggles with jealousy and he sent aggressive texts to one of my clients that he saw was being a bit flirty and made him block me

On the flip side he’s very emotionally open with me and admitted he’s done lots wrong and has cried when talking about things he’s gone through

He checks on me through the day and we’ve seen each other mostly every day since we’ve met, he’s good with my children (yes he’s met them, when we met each other I was with my children) he gave spending money when i was taking my kids on holiday, brings flowers and is attentive and loving.

he tells me he just wants to be loved, says he’ll look after me and his dad says he’s got a good heart

I don’t know what to think and if I’m thinking too much of things?

It sounds like it's less like her being spiteful and more about her trying to protect her children from a man who uses drugs and has an alcohol problem that makes him violent and abusive.

I'm sorry OP, but even if he's like this because of alcohol and not as a person overalll, as long as he's still drinking, he's not someone you should be around.

Have you considered a Claire's Law request?

So what if he’s lovely when he’s sober? The fact is he’s not when he’s drunk, so what’s he going to do about it? Does he acknowledge that his drinking is a problem and is he committed to stopping? If so, great, in that case he can go away and get sober and then you can proceed with a relationship once he’s cleaned his act up and stuck with it long enough to prove it’s a real change. If you’ve got such strong feelings for each other then the relationship can wait. It’s not your job to fix him, meanwhile your kids are witness to his chaos - put them first.

edited to add - you say in your initial
post that he drinks most days so the supposedly nice sober him must virtually never be present anyway, come on OP you must know this guy isn’t a keeper.

Are these red flags... huge list of red flags.

Then minimise, minimise, minimise. Always the same.

You can see these red flags OP or you wouldn't have posted in the first place. It's up to you whether you do anything about it or not. It's your life. If you think this is the best life you can live, then go for it.

She isn’t doing it to be spiteful. She’s hiding her children from an abusive drunk.
Let me guess - he’s told you she’s crazy by any chance?

Please don't be so gullible. Have you done a Clare's law?

Also - re people being nice and sweet - the Kray twins loved their mother.
And I think I read somewhere that Hitler loved kittens…
To quote Sondheim “nice is different than good”

Sure, she's spiteful.

Yet you already know
-he's awful when he drinks,
-that he admits to a cocaine habit and drinking problem,
_that he admits he hurt her in "an argument"
-that he admits she said he was controlling and coercive

You have experienced from him
-that he's hurt you multiple times "accidentally"
-that he's engaged in dangerous strangulation during sex with you after only 6 weeks together, without consent
-he's made you lose a client
-he's jealous and possessive

Yet she's spiteful to want to keep her address from him and keep the children away from this violent, controlling drunk? 🙄

Are you bonkers? Stop drinking the kool-aid.

@supersop60 he did say that she acted like she had a mental illness or was a bit crazy, but he did say that she also has a cocaine addiction and drinks a lot.

“My ex is a crazy psycho…” that old chestnut.

@PhuckTrump he did say it was a toxic relationship, he doesn’t just blame her and say she’s crazy he says he did wrong too

What have the police said when you did Clare's law and Sarah's law enquiries?

@Tinmanwalkedpastwindeh i haven’t done that yet. I do think though that something would come probably come back as he did say he had a bit of a record for doing stupid things when he was young

So - you've asked Mumsnet what we think, EVERY single reply has told you to get rid before he seriously hurts you or worse, you've listed a string of appalling behaviours, then pretended these things rarely happen (despite saying they happen when he's been drinking AND he drinks MOST days.

Why did you ask, if you're just going to make excuses for him?

We'll see you again (if you're lucky and he hasn't killed you first) in a while, asking how you can get this terrifying man out of your life.

Well that's it then. All the women who leave controlling, drunk and drug crazed, violent, coercive, controlling men are Crazy! He has already shown you who he is in "play": Believe every action he does to you during the last 6 weeks and run for the hills.

I’m sorry, I appreciate you want to be loved., but this isn’t love!
He isn’t ‘playing’ with you either, he’s testing boundaries… and so far yours are pretty non existent! The play fighting and the choking, and slapping you round the face is testing you… see what you’ll allow, he’s hurt you and you’ve cried, he’s apologised, but done similar a second time!! But you’ve stayed… this is after only 6 months?!….
Has he met your children? Please tell me he hasn’t met your children?? He’s off heroin but only for 6 months??…. And he’s replacing that addiction with alcohol.. drinking daily and throwing up repeatedly despite it upsetting you is. Arsed flag… but then gaslighting you because you’ve said you don’t like it… MASSIVE 🚩

There is absolutely no way on this planet I would allow an addict anywhere near my children!! 6 months clean is nothing! And his alcohol intake is alarming…

His jealousy and controlling nature is a concern.

Have you even done ‘Claire’s Law’ ? Sarah’s Law??

I’d be doing both on every man I dated and not letting them in my house or near my child until he’d been given the all clear… even then I would be running at the first sign of any coercive / controlling behaviour… him checking your phone is a no from me… get out… him ‘playing’ at choking you is him showing you exactly who he is!! He clearly has fantasies about choking / slapping women….
YOU KNOW this man a dangerous - that’s why you’ve posted!! Please don’t stay, leave before your feelings grow even stronger, before he hurts you, before he starts using cocaine again and turns up and looses it - makes your kids orphans! Hits you infront of then….

PLEASE get out, you aren’t just ignoring one red flag, you’re ignoring loads.

I know you love your children, but you are NOT putting them first! Bringing an addict into their life ‘because you want to feel loved’ is incredibly irresponsible and selfish!

and as I said, 6 months clean is still early days… and actually he’s not clean because he’s replaced it with excessive drinking,
Don’t ignore your gut, don’t romanticise this as ‘just jealousy because he cares!’ The longer you stay, the more feelings you develop, the more boundaries he crosses and you forgive again and again… he will slowly increase this behaviour, slowly ramp it up, blame you like he did when he flipped the puking and made it about you not rubbing his back! This will increase until everything is your fault! And you’ll probably believe it! You already believe his strangling you was ‘just’ playing around, even though he hurt and scared you, and made you cry! You’ve told him about your trauma about your mum being an alcoholic but yet he continues getting so drunk he pukes! Wake up @Sheshappy123 - this isn’t a loving relationship developing, don’t be fooled by the amazing times, because the warning signs are more important to take not

@Sheshappy123 you have said your kids have never witnessed him hitting you . However why stay with someone where there is a massive chance that, this is exactly what the outcome will be and then you will have your children to try and help get over the trauma . Get a Claire’s law then end the relationship . You will have the police to help guide you and keep you safe .

This is bullshit @Sheshappy123 !
You honestly believe she keeps her kids her kids away from him ‘just to be spiteful?’ You don’t think the drugs and alcohol had something to do with it 🙄
Everyone is eating their time, you’re minimising everything!
All narcs blame their ex, they all say she’s mental or unstable…

OMG are you for real?!
Why the hell would you not have done Claire and Sarah’s law?
His ‘oh I did some stupid things when younger!’

god I hope you haven’t let this man anywhere near your children!

This poster didn’t even have red flags and had the sense to do a Claire’s law… and THANK GOD she did!!!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5538398-clares-law-disclosure-has-left-me-shaken-about-a-new-relationship?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

read it @Sheshappy123

THIS^^^

Oh my god. Only one of these would have me running for the hills. Do not see this man again. You will be heading for another violent, controlling and verbally abusive relationship.

OP, focus on one thing: there’s a reason why this man can’t see his kids. He’s showing it to you now. Listen.

I didn’t even need to read the whole post to know I’d be running. Red flags 🚩

I genuinely wonder what redeeming qualities he could have. Sounds like an abhorrent thug.

You would be a better mum if you were actually considering your children in this. Your children should not have met this man, he has so many red flags that you are dismissing after 6 weeks that I don't think you can be trusted to keep your children safe. You should be single until such times you can put your children before your need for a man. I despair