Worried about possible red flags early dating?

[Sheshappy123]

Ive been dating a guy for the past 6 weeks (although it feels much longer and things have moved fast and we do have strong feelings for each other already) but a few things have rang small alarm bells in my head and wanted to see wether others would think these are red flags

He looks at my phone when I’m texting and asks who I’m talking to

i noticed one night that he’d looked through my phone as it was open on messages that I hadn’t looked at in ages

He was messing around like play fighting with me and put his arm hard against my throat I got upset and did cry as my last relationship was a little violent at times and I suffered abuse as a child from my mums partner, he did seem upset though and apologised and said he was worried that he’d messed it up but since then he has been quite heavy handed and hurt me a few more times

He’s is a little bossy and will ask me to go in the Kitchen get him a drink etc or ask me to pass him something that’s right next to him

he likes to slap me in the face during sex or grab my throat but he knows I don’t mind this as long as it’s not too hard

He drinks quite a lot mostly every day- goes to bed with a can of alcohol

has thrown up in my garden a few times from being drunk (I did tell him the second time I didn’t like this as it bought back traumatic memories of my mum being an alcoholic) he did kind of apologise but also kind of turnt it round on me saying are you really gonna get funny about it and why didn’t you at least rub my back (I did the first time)

he used to be addicted to cocaine but has been clean 6 months

he’s really charming and gets along with everyone has lots of friends but when on a night one he met one of my friends and she said he’s really nice but said it seems “smoke and mirrors” and just go slowly/be careful

when on a night out another guy grabbed my arm to get me to sit back down (we were with a group of people we just met) and he got aggressive to him and nearly got in a fight”

he’s told me openly that his last relationship went downhill because of drink and drugs on both sides and it becoming toxic and it came to an end when they had a fight and they both became aggressive and he accidentally hurt her, he’s not seen his children since then as his ex moved away, he also openly said she has accused him of being controlling and coercive

He openly admits he struggles with jealousy and he sent aggressive texts to one of my clients that he saw was being a bit flirty and made him block me

On the flip side he’s very emotionally open with me and admitted he’s done lots wrong and has cried when talking about things he’s gone through

He checks on me through the day and we’ve seen each other mostly every day since we’ve met, he’s good with my children (yes he’s met them, when we met each other I was with my children) he gave spending money when i was taking my kids on holiday, brings flowers and is attentive and loving.

he tells me he just wants to be loved, says he’ll look after me and his dad says he’s got a good heart

I don’t know what to think and if I’m thinking too much of things?

Please please just end the relationship. You know you need to, or you wouldnt have made these posts.
Think of your children, if I had been told these details in my safeguarding role I would be passing all of this on to the relevant places.....
End it, focus of yourself (therapy) and your children. Leave men alone for a good few years!

I actually felt scared for you reading your post.

Strangulation/ going for the throat is a known alarm signal for worsening violent behaviour.

I am not exaggerating here, this man could end up killing you.

Please please seek whatever support you need to cut him from your life completely. Do it in the safest way you can.

These 'possible' red flags will escalate into continent sized banners very quickly. Run for the hills, dear.

I’d just end it and forget about a Clare’s Law request and stay far away from him. He’s bad news.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b047zl98

Thank you for all the concern I really do appreciate everyone’s responses

Recently he has been different, really gentle etc and none of these behaviours I listed, until last night when I noticed him acting off and I straight away knew and asked him if he had taken anything he admitted that he had taken several drugs, he was very apologetic and said it was a slip up and would never happen again but was my final straw

The short programme I posted a link to is a brilliant example of how these situations escalate. And it’s based on a true story.

You said almost month ago that you realised you had to end it.

And yet, here you are, still ignoring the red flags and the avalanche of good advice You've been given.

Please just end it. Don't back track, look for his 'green flags' and second guess yourself. It doesn't matter how nice he can be - he's also a violent, druggy, abusive tw*t so please don't give him any more chances to convince you 'he can be nice'. I'd forget about doing a Claire's Law as well, as other poster had already said. Just end things now and work on your own self esteem and boundaries. Enjoy your own company and look after yourself x

So why haven’t you ended it?

He’s a druggie.

He has previously hurt you during sex.

He has such a drink problem he goes to bed with a can.

He is controlling and goes through your phone.

He is aggressive and starts fights.

You’ve only been dating for a couple of months.

You have kids. THEY are your responsibility.

I’m struggling to understand the hesitation at this point? Why are you putting maintaining a relationship with this man before the wellbeing of your children?

Big red flags and issues with privacy and control.

I would go nuclear if someone looked at my phone uninvited. I have a relative who comes every week and he often walks off and leaves his phone on the table. I have never looked except when he specifically showed me some pictures of his cats. Its the equivalent to reading someone's diary. Good luck reading mine (diary) as my hand writing is very difficult to read.

It really doesn’t matter if he’s been behaving beautifully. I’ve had enough abusive relationships for the penny to eventually drop that they are ALL “really lovely” at times, probably even “lovelier” than most men. It’s an act. It is how they keep us trapped. They’re lovely until they’re not.

I really do hope that this is a tipping point for you. He will never, ever change. They can’t. It is who they are.

You are not thinking enough! Just get out of there, run a hundred miles, and ffs build up your sense of being someone worth something. I can hardly believe you had to come on here to ask - unless this is some kind of weird wind-up of a post. OF COURSE you have to get out of this and then ask yourself and examine yourself as to why you ever got into it in the first place. A woman who rates herself anywhere at all above grouond level would have nothing to do with a specimen like him, ever.
Take care of yourself OP. 💐

Well he’s used again… you have your out.. tell him you can’t live like this and it’s over. The end

You clearly aren’t listening to any of the advice given here, stop wasting everybody’s time and just do whatever you want to do because clearly you’re going to anyway!

If you genuinely can't see the MANY red flags here then you need some counselling because the chances are you'll walk into an abusive relationship again in future. You need to recognise how these people work.

Please don’t take him back.

I hope you've stuck by this decision.

You should really look at doing the Freedom Programme and a reset of the way you think about relationships, men and your own boundaries before you date anyone again. You might need to look at your past, any trauma you have etc to work out why you've been so accepting of violence, addiction, aggression, possessiveness and controlling behaviours.

You shouldn't be so invested in a man at 6 weeks that you're prepared to tolerate such behaviours and keep giving chances.

Has this kind of thing been normal to you growing up or in relationships? Do you feel like it's all you deserve?

<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=lookaside.fbsbx.com/lookaside/crawler/media/?media_id%3D526917751939743%26get_thumbnail%3D1&tbnid=X8x_kbMrmNgKrM&vet=1&imgrefurl=www.facebook.com/georgiasvoiceuk/videos/the-shark-cage-analogy-by-charlotte-cree-/526917751939743/&docid=4NZSaaUfJGwyzM&w=480&h=480&source=sh/x/im/m1/2&kgs=fb5793bb95c1283e&shem=epsd1,nisbtsac,rimspwouoe&utm_source=epsd1,nisbtsac,rimspwouoe,sh/x/im/m1/2" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">https://share.google/TbwNjKJSYsO4mHToZ Hopefully that's a link to an animation of the Shark Cage Analogy. Seems to me that you really need to work on your "shark cage".

End it or he will end up ending you.

Ugh, don't think my link worked. Anyway, google the "shark cage analogy" and it's the Facebook animation, should be first result in videos. It's a bit cutesy looking but give it a chance. Or I think there's a free download from Ursula Benstead's site.

Basically it talks about how predators test out their potential victims and recognising if your "shark cage" is poor.

You can't be serious that you continued to date him???? Fucking hell OP.

You wrote that all out and still asked if there are red flags? I think you already know the answer. I would suggest you get out now before he embeds himself further into your life

@Sheshappy123- I commented on your post almost a month ago. How have you done nothing regards this man. You need to give your head a massive wobble. Why have you done nothing at all ?!?!?!?

Are you waiting till you or one of your children are hurt by this man…. SERIOUSLY