Worried about possible red flags early dating?

[Sheshappy123]

Ive been dating a guy for the past 6 weeks (although it feels much longer and things have moved fast and we do have strong feelings for each other already) but a few things have rang small alarm bells in my head and wanted to see wether others would think these are red flags

He looks at my phone when I’m texting and asks who I’m talking to

i noticed one night that he’d looked through my phone as it was open on messages that I hadn’t looked at in ages

He was messing around like play fighting with me and put his arm hard against my throat I got upset and did cry as my last relationship was a little violent at times and I suffered abuse as a child from my mums partner, he did seem upset though and apologised and said he was worried that he’d messed it up but since then he has been quite heavy handed and hurt me a few more times

He’s is a little bossy and will ask me to go in the Kitchen get him a drink etc or ask me to pass him something that’s right next to him

he likes to slap me in the face during sex or grab my throat but he knows I don’t mind this as long as it’s not too hard

He drinks quite a lot mostly every day- goes to bed with a can of alcohol

has thrown up in my garden a few times from being drunk (I did tell him the second time I didn’t like this as it bought back traumatic memories of my mum being an alcoholic) he did kind of apologise but also kind of turnt it round on me saying are you really gonna get funny about it and why didn’t you at least rub my back (I did the first time)

he used to be addicted to cocaine but has been clean 6 months

he’s really charming and gets along with everyone has lots of friends but when on a night one he met one of my friends and she said he’s really nice but said it seems “smoke and mirrors” and just go slowly/be careful

when on a night out another guy grabbed my arm to get me to sit back down (we were with a group of people we just met) and he got aggressive to him and nearly got in a fight”

he’s told me openly that his last relationship went downhill because of drink and drugs on both sides and it becoming toxic and it came to an end when they had a fight and they both became aggressive and he accidentally hurt her, he’s not seen his children since then as his ex moved away, he also openly said she has accused him of being controlling and coercive

He openly admits he struggles with jealousy and he sent aggressive texts to one of my clients that he saw was being a bit flirty and made him block me

On the flip side he’s very emotionally open with me and admitted he’s done lots wrong and has cried when talking about things he’s gone through

He checks on me through the day and we’ve seen each other mostly every day since we’ve met, he’s good with my children (yes he’s met them, when we met each other I was with my children) he gave spending money when i was taking my kids on holiday, brings flowers and is attentive and loving.

he tells me he just wants to be loved, says he’ll look after me and his dad says he’s got a good heart

I don’t know what to think and if I’m thinking too much of things?

He said earlier “I’m becoming obsessed with you” which actually worried me.

I do realise that I should end this

Damn I don’t think I’ve seen that many red flags in a first post before.

Seriously, run.

I mean, my goodness.

and heads up btw some guy you’ve known all of five minutes crying and being “emotionally vulnerable” is not a good thing either. It’s six weeks in ffs you aren’t his therapist.

Abusers often over share like this to a. Rush a sense of intimacy.
and to b. Get you to share something back that you are emotionally vulnerable about. So they can use it against you later.

i think you’d be wise to take a few years totally single and spend it reading up on how to spot abuse. Only when you are comfortable and at peace single, can you really trust yourself to remove men who display red flags, asap. Becuase they compete with your peace and you know you don’t actually need them.

Someone ever saying they are jealous or possessive or any of that is ALWAYS a red flag.

I’d dump this guy over the phone or in a public place, he sounds totally unhinged.

Thank goodness something is worrying you about him! Yes you should end this. The only future for you with this man is abuse and misery.

So what’s your plan OP?

You need to end it and now you know that.

How can we help you to do so safely?

It’s not just for your sake you need to end it, it’s for your children’s sake too.

Only when you are comfortable and at peace single, can you really trust yourself to remove men who display red flags, asap.

This is a really good point!

Everyone needs to be at a place where red flags make them think, "Nope!" and where being with the wrong person makes us feel more anxious than the thought of being alone.

It doesn't come easily to a lot of us though!

I do realise that I should end this

So pleased to read this. OP, after only 6 weeks, it is actually fine to end it over text. You don't need to go into detail as to why - in fact, the least said the better because people like this tend to counter your reasons with promises and arguments. It's not a negotiation. Just telling him that, you've had time to reflect on the last 6 weeks and, whilst it was nice to meet him, you've realised its not working for you and you won't be seeing him again fine. Is absolutely fine. A decent person would reply with nothing more than an, I'm sorry to hear that but thank you for telling me. Good luck in the future, message and that's it. However they are feeling inside.

Anything else is just more red flags.

In your shoes, I'd do it today and start the new week afresh. Basically, you're not going to want to actually tell him whenever you decide to do it so best get it over and done with rather than have more of the messaging, which will only make it feel harder.

Good luck!

In a nutshell, I wouldn't meet him in person. He doesn't deserve it and it puts you at risk.

Absolutely don't meet him in person to end it. He will talk you round.

I agree with the poster below saying do it today so you can start another week afresh.

Send him a message, tuen off your phone and then concentrate on your kids. You have a full life and he doesn’t bring anything positive to it.

But you ARE seeing it. You're also minimising it so you can prolong this foolishness.
People are confirming the actions you've spotted are dangerous.
You won't be one of those women blindsided by abuse on this occasion; you are walking into this very aware of what it is.

ETA- glad you've decided to end it. Remain steadfast in that decision. 💐

why would you allow your kids to be near this man?

He probably made he crazy. Honestly , have some respect for yourself and leave. If you have a daughter would you be happy she’s with a man like this?

He probably made he crazy. Honestly , have some respect for yourself and leave. If you have a daughter would you be happy she’s with a man like this?

Why haven’t you ended it?

Save yourself.

Even if you don’t love yourself. Love your children enough to keep this man away from them.

@Sheshappy123Have you got any updates? I hope you have found some support to do the right thing safely.

This

@Victoriawould24

an update to this post… I have distanced myself from him but haven’t actually ended it yet.. every time I convince myself to I seem to back track

i want to do a Claire’s law but I’m worried as his dads partner works for the police in our local area so I’m worried that he’ll end up finding out that I’ve done it

Why do you need a Clare’s Law? He’s done enough to you personally for you to know that he’s a brute. You already have proof. This isn’t even about you, or him. You must end this for the sake of your children. He is a violent, controlling drug-addict/alcoholic. I’m sure it does feel nice when he gives you money or flowers, but your children are more important than your feelings. That may sound harsh, but if social services were involved and knew the things he’d done to you, they would tell you to end your relationship or else they would take your children off you and put them into care.

You cannot take that risk.

You don’t t need to do a claires law.

That’s for if you’re a year or two into a relationship and thinking of marriage and suddenly he starts displaying red flags outs the blue or something.

its not for people who are six weeks into dating and already have enough red flags for a communist parade.

just cut contact via text and be done with him

he doesn’t need to have hit someone already, it’s obvious he’s a nutter.

Also, police don’t tend to run Claire’s law on people you’ve broken up with and only know 6 weeks in the first place. It’s a waste of resources and you arguably don’t have a right to know his history if you’re not longer together.

Just block his number and be done with him. If he causes issues, phone the police.

So to sum up, he is :

• alcoholic
• bad temper
• drug addict (sorry but 6 months clean is NO time to claim he’s recovered)
• violent (slaps your face, grabs your throat and is quick to pick up fights)
• controlling

All the above speaks this is volatile man who can’t control himself. Emotional? Of course, he sounds all over the place and throwing emotions at you until something sticks.

Get out. This will end badly.

@Sheshappy123I am glad you have come back to update and hopefully get some more ammunition to leave.
Have you told anyone in person about what has been happening? I think it would really help you right now to have real support through this.

6 weeks and he could have killed you or left you with brain damage.

What do you mean possible red flags?? They are serious red flags!!

He had his arm against your throat (apart from everything else). Don’t become another statistic of domestic violence or even worse, death.

In your opening post on the 06/06/26 you said you knew you should end it, no need for Claire's Law your distancing yourself from him, you need to accept it's over, you don't even need to tell him anything, block on everything and move on. Get your life back on track, find things you enjoy doing, see a therapist if you think it might help you,

You don’t need to do a check on him.

He’s done enough to you personally to know he is not a safe partner.

You have kids. Put them first. Get this man out of your orbit and theirs.