Clare's Law disclosure has left me shaken about a new relationship

[Croissantsocks]

Name changed for obvious reasons but I’ve been around for a long while.

I suppose I’m just looking for an anonymous handhold/solidarity as no one in real life I can talk to.
After a couple years of not dating at all and just having a great little life with my dd I met someone nice at a work conference, lives close to me. Handsome, funny, patient etc.
Huge tummy flips when I see him, great chemistry etc.
Anyway, he said something in conversation about an ex partner that kind of pricked up my ears, so I did a Clare’s Law request. Police called me within 24 hours and did the disclosure the next day (today).
It was so so upsetting, the poor woman all this stuff happened to. And there are incidents reported over 2/3 years so not something isolated (not that it would make it better).
He has no convictions because charges were dropped before it went to court on every occasion.

I had an abusive relationship years ago, and have rebuilt my life and confidence. I didn’t even want a serious partner, and never want to marry or for anyone to meet my dd (he hasn’t thank god)

I feel so dizzy and sick, and sad and disgusted at myself that these men are attracted to me, and me to them.

He has been perfection over the past few months, a perfect gent, kind and funny etc etc so I really would have had no idea if my spider senses didn’t start tingling a few days ago.

He’s working away today thankfully so I have space to process without texting or calls from him. I just feel frightened and confused.

sorry for the ramble

Sorry this has happened to you but you need to prioritise yours and your child’s safety and end the relationship and get a ring doorbell up and ask advice on what to do!

Well done for acting on those spidey senses, and keeping yourself and your DD safe.

I wouldn’t tell him why you’re ending it. Either ghost him, or say you’re choosing to focus on yourself and your child, so won’t be contacting him again. Lucky escape!

What sort of things, OP? Physical stuff?

You obviously have really good intuition, I mean everyone is on their best behaviour at first but you still picked up an inkling that something was off. It’s not your fault you met him and he acted like a decent person. Now you know it was an act, just end it quietly if you can, it’s probably the safest way.

I’m so sorry, but thank goodness for your instincts! You’ve done the right thing by doing a request, and now you know. Good luck and keep yourself safe.

Does it matter?

Massive well done @Croissantsocks for listening to your feelings on this and taking action. Horrifying and upsetting but hopefully you'll feel a massive sense of relief when things are sorted with him.

Bravo to you, OP, for listening to your gut. I know it feels really sad right now but it will be something to be proud of

Don't tell him what you know.

I just feel frightened and confused

I hope you're not confused about ending it.

That’s exactly what it’s there for. Well done for taking that step, very tough but it will keep you safe lovey.

you agree in the disclosure not to share so I will honour that as far as the details obviously, but he could have killed her, yes. It was so hard to listen to, and just kept going with more dates, more offences etc.

the officer has referred me to another department tomorrow who are going to make a target hardening plan for after I ends things. So I will get it done over the next couple days and extract myself safely.

the confusion is more around unravelling the story he told me and the penny dropping I think.
he described a horrid assault with him as the victim, but it didn’t track with photos he had shown me (of himself) from around that time.
so he was describing what he did, but from the wrong point of view

Obviously you'll be ending the relationship. But I agree with @sprigatito don't tell him or make him suspicious as to why you're ending it.

No definitely won’t be telling him why, the officer said not to- incase the victim is on the receiving end again or blamed again

Hi OP, what happened that made you start to wonder? Or was it just the description of the assault?

It was just that the story didn’t quite make sense, and I left the date feeling a bit strange.
I worked with women’s aid 6 years ago and they’d always said to check if I do meet anyone again.
I did the freedom program and did all the ‘right’ healing, so I just feel totally floored that I’ve chosen one again

I agree with the officer - don't tell him.

He's obviously very good at manipulating what people think of him, but it's hard work nevertheless and sometimes people like this let their mask slip for a second.

I know it's not cool or what anyone wants to here, but this is exactly why I wouldn't be interested in having a relationship with someone if I had kids, until they had grown up and left home.

You should feel so proud of yourself. The very reason that Clare’s law exists is that abusive men HIDE and hide themselves well. You were sufficiently intuitive and brave to find out before he dared show himself.

None of this is your fault OP, it’s his fault.
You have listened to your instincts and done the right things, you can get away from him now and keep your DD and yourself safe x

You’ve had a very lucky escape, and you should be very proud of yourself. Wow. Well done.

I’m sorry that you feel so shaken

It's really good that you realised something was off though.

Clare’s Law is so excellent, I’m so glad it exists. OP none of this is on you - it’s coincidence that you ended up with another one, be proud your instincts are spot on.

That sounds really horrible. It's desperate how they can twist the stories. Thank goodness you realised there's something wrong here and did something about it. Hope you can extract yourself safely and calmly.

I recommend the poem called autobiography in 5 chapters if you don't already know it.