Worried about possible red flags early dating?

[Sheshappy123]

Ive been dating a guy for the past 6 weeks (although it feels much longer and things have moved fast and we do have strong feelings for each other already) but a few things have rang small alarm bells in my head and wanted to see wether others would think these are red flags

He looks at my phone when I’m texting and asks who I’m talking to

i noticed one night that he’d looked through my phone as it was open on messages that I hadn’t looked at in ages

He was messing around like play fighting with me and put his arm hard against my throat I got upset and did cry as my last relationship was a little violent at times and I suffered abuse as a child from my mums partner, he did seem upset though and apologised and said he was worried that he’d messed it up but since then he has been quite heavy handed and hurt me a few more times

He’s is a little bossy and will ask me to go in the Kitchen get him a drink etc or ask me to pass him something that’s right next to him

he likes to slap me in the face during sex or grab my throat but he knows I don’t mind this as long as it’s not too hard

He drinks quite a lot mostly every day- goes to bed with a can of alcohol

has thrown up in my garden a few times from being drunk (I did tell him the second time I didn’t like this as it bought back traumatic memories of my mum being an alcoholic) he did kind of apologise but also kind of turnt it round on me saying are you really gonna get funny about it and why didn’t you at least rub my back (I did the first time)

he used to be addicted to cocaine but has been clean 6 months

he’s really charming and gets along with everyone has lots of friends but when on a night one he met one of my friends and she said he’s really nice but said it seems “smoke and mirrors” and just go slowly/be careful

when on a night out another guy grabbed my arm to get me to sit back down (we were with a group of people we just met) and he got aggressive to him and nearly got in a fight”

he’s told me openly that his last relationship went downhill because of drink and drugs on both sides and it becoming toxic and it came to an end when they had a fight and they both became aggressive and he accidentally hurt her, he’s not seen his children since then as his ex moved away, he also openly said she has accused him of being controlling and coercive

He openly admits he struggles with jealousy and he sent aggressive texts to one of my clients that he saw was being a bit flirty and made him block me

On the flip side he’s very emotionally open with me and admitted he’s done lots wrong and has cried when talking about things he’s gone through

He checks on me through the day and we’ve seen each other mostly every day since we’ve met, he’s good with my children (yes he’s met them, when we met each other I was with my children) he gave spending money when i was taking my kids on holiday, brings flowers and is attentive and loving.

he tells me he just wants to be loved, says he’ll look after me and his dad says he’s got a good heart

I don’t know what to think and if I’m thinking too much of things?

yep

I’m not even going to get into most of your post OP because there are so many red flags as everyone has said. All you really need to remember is that he has already hurt you several times. In a healthy relationship the number of times you get hurt is zero (or perhaps once in a blue moon in a freak accident like someone is changing the bed and accidentally whacks you round the head with a pillow because they didn’t hear you walk in). In just a few weeks he’s caused you hurt multiple times and I’m afraid you need to confront the horrible fact that he’s doing it on purpose. He likes hurting you. It’s going to get worse. Now is the perfect time to perform the slow fade into the hedge and save yourself and your kids a tonne of pain. Please don’t mistake him feeling sorry for himself for him having empathy for you. Please leave him.

I knew he was going to be an abuser when you wrote this: ‘Ive been dating a guy for the past 6 weeks (although it feels much longer and things have moved fast)…

LOVE BOMBING, false intimacy, future faking, over sharing with blurred boundaries. He’s rotten. You’ll regret not ending it. For sure. Sorry OP.

This can’t be real?!

This!

I don't even know where to start - if this is real, you're fucking irresponsible to have ever let this man near your children! You've known him 6 WEEKS!!

This man slaps you and chokes you during sex and you think it's ok? He gets so drunk that he's vomited in your garden? He's hurt you several times 'playfighting'? He's jealous and controlling, he's a former drug user, has been violent towards his former partner, is presumably not allowed to be near his own children?

What a prize 🙄 I don't know if your previous relationships have made you this way but your bar is set very low. If you have one ounce of sense in your head, you'll get as far away from this man as is humanly possible. He's violent and dangerous.

You could be in danger.

It is not a risk worth taking, you have children who could one day be growing up without you.

When he put his arm on your throat and nearly choked you to death, he was just testing your tolerance.

LTB

He sounds like a true gentleman. NOT.
My only advice is to get out now.

This guy is bad news. It’s only been 6 weeks and already there is a substantial list of red flags, bookended by the supposed green flag of buying flowers.

I despair.

I’m sorry OP but I also think these are really not good traits. You need to move on sooner rather than later.

Separately, I do also think that the time to take up new pastimes and broaden one’s horizons is when one meets a new partner. It gives perspective and balance (and potentially allows you to hedge your bets a little if things don’t work out!).

Op asking for help to recognise red flags is part of being a good mum, as would seeking therapy to recognise these signs yourself. This man is not safe to be around you or your kids regardless of whether you feel he meant to hurt you, there’s plenty other deal breakers to choose from. I’m sure you’re a great mum but you’re clearly confused about all this, getting help is not an admission of failure at all it’s a show of strength.

That wasn't playfighting. That was him getting more and more rough with you because he enjoys hurting you, or he's trying to get you used to what he's doing. Once you accept this (by still continuing the relationship), he will see it as a green light to escalate to worse things. Get out before really hurts or traumatised your children. He's not safe for you to be around or to have sex with.

It doesn't matter that he has friends, or that his Dad says he has a good heart. Parents can support fucked up children as they as just as fucked up themselves, and a lot of parents will priorotise their children's happiness over yours (or your safety).

I'm so sorry that you had those experiences as a child. Rather than makes us too sensitive to things, they can also desensitise people and give them too much of a thick skin, so I hope you'll keep that in mind because I think it's affecting your judgement here.

he likes to slap me in the face during sex or grab my throat but he knows I don’t mind this as long as it’s not too hard

I missed this. God. Run for your life OP.

So many red flags - avoid - run and why the hell has he met your kids at 6w

You are quite clearly in another abusive relationship but you don't seem to realise it. Read back through your initial post, he's clearly abusive. You've been with him 6 weeks and he's already trying to control you. He's violent when you're having sex and you're making excuses for his behaviour. And his Dad says he's a nice bloke really. He's clearly nothing like a nice a bloke. Dump him and run. Put yourself and your kids first. This bloke will be nothing but trouble.

this is a worrying thread. The first 6 weeks should be fun and carefree.... he has hurt you, then he is nice to you so you give him the benefit of the doubt. He is testing you to see how far you will go. He wants to control you. This is abuse.

Read up on abusive relationships as you are not seeing it because of your childhood experiences. This is not how healthy relationships are.

womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/

Get away from him. You don't even need to do a clairs law request.
You are in danger .

My husband is heavier and stronger than me but he has never 'accidentally' hurt me. Do you hurt your DC when you're playing with them or do you know not to? Getting therapy would show that you seriously want to make a better life for yourself and your children.

Please please please get rid of this man. 6 weeks is nothing, don’t let it get worse. You ARE risking your children’s happiness and futures. This doesn’t make you a bad person. Lots of us do stupid things, if you get away from him now it can all be fixed. This man is waste. Hasn’t even bothered to fight to see his own children (thankfully). Come on, you can do this.

OP, I've only read your posts so I'm sure this has been said already but being a good mum isn't just feeding and clothing them (taking care of their physical needs) or reading to them and playing with them etc.

It's also about providing a safe environment in which they can grow, thrive and flourish in which they can learn healthy messages about the world and how to expect to be treated like others. And where you are also safe because you are their world right now and they need you to he healthy and safe - physically and mentally.

People are suggesting you do a Clare's Law request but you don't really need to. You can see that he isn't treating you well. You can (and should) just end it. You don't need the validation or permission from knowing he has done the same to other women.

You want a loving relationship with a man who can raise your children with you. That's fine! Perfectly reasonable! But this is not that man and the longer you waste in this situation (I'm not going to call it a relationship - its 6 weeks of dating with a man you should have already got rid of) the greater the harm that will be done.

Listen to your friend. She had the measure of him.

My rationale for the Clare's Law was:

1. OP's first post states that this dreamboat has said his previous relationship was toxic on both sides and the ex was as much to blame. I highly doubt that's the case. Its classic darvo

And

2. OP is struggling to get perspective on how much danger both she and her children are in. If there's a criminal record on this guy or anything relevant it might be the wake up call she needs to put some safety measures in place.

Ermmm yeahhhhhhhh this man is defo a !!MAJOR!! screaming in fact red flag. End it ASAP this man is not right.

I know. But it also concerns me that, if nothing turns up, she'll conclude she just needs to accept him and focus on the good bits! It could lull her into a false sense fo security.

It's a tricky one!

Crikey, please get some therapy. No-one else needs to know.

He is not a good man. Please re-read everything you wrote and really take it in. It’s only been 6 weeks and you know all this about him already.

PS who the hell playfights as a bloody adult. He is dangerous.