Worried about possible red flags early dating?

[Sheshappy123]

Ive been dating a guy for the past 6 weeks (although it feels much longer and things have moved fast and we do have strong feelings for each other already) but a few things have rang small alarm bells in my head and wanted to see wether others would think these are red flags

He looks at my phone when I’m texting and asks who I’m talking to

i noticed one night that he’d looked through my phone as it was open on messages that I hadn’t looked at in ages

He was messing around like play fighting with me and put his arm hard against my throat I got upset and did cry as my last relationship was a little violent at times and I suffered abuse as a child from my mums partner, he did seem upset though and apologised and said he was worried that he’d messed it up but since then he has been quite heavy handed and hurt me a few more times

He’s is a little bossy and will ask me to go in the Kitchen get him a drink etc or ask me to pass him something that’s right next to him

he likes to slap me in the face during sex or grab my throat but he knows I don’t mind this as long as it’s not too hard

He drinks quite a lot mostly every day- goes to bed with a can of alcohol

has thrown up in my garden a few times from being drunk (I did tell him the second time I didn’t like this as it bought back traumatic memories of my mum being an alcoholic) he did kind of apologise but also kind of turnt it round on me saying are you really gonna get funny about it and why didn’t you at least rub my back (I did the first time)

he used to be addicted to cocaine but has been clean 6 months

he’s really charming and gets along with everyone has lots of friends but when on a night one he met one of my friends and she said he’s really nice but said it seems “smoke and mirrors” and just go slowly/be careful

when on a night out another guy grabbed my arm to get me to sit back down (we were with a group of people we just met) and he got aggressive to him and nearly got in a fight”

he’s told me openly that his last relationship went downhill because of drink and drugs on both sides and it becoming toxic and it came to an end when they had a fight and they both became aggressive and he accidentally hurt her, he’s not seen his children since then as his ex moved away, he also openly said she has accused him of being controlling and coercive

He openly admits he struggles with jealousy and he sent aggressive texts to one of my clients that he saw was being a bit flirty and made him block me

On the flip side he’s very emotionally open with me and admitted he’s done lots wrong and has cried when talking about things he’s gone through

He checks on me through the day and we’ve seen each other mostly every day since we’ve met, he’s good with my children (yes he’s met them, when we met each other I was with my children) he gave spending money when i was taking my kids on holiday, brings flowers and is attentive and loving.

he tells me he just wants to be loved, says he’ll look after me and his dad says he’s got a good heart

I don’t know what to think and if I’m thinking too much of things?

Having been in a similar situation as you, end the relationship asap. This man is controlling, the first thing you need to do is read self care books, learn to love yourself before getting involved in another relationship. Good luck

he likes to slap me in the face during sex or grab my throat but he knows I don’t mind this as long as it’s not too hard
**
no no no no no no no no

Good men don't keep 'accidentally' hurting the woman they love. Good men know they will be stronger than most women and adjust any 'play fighting' accordingly. Good, adult men, don't play fight with women.

I didn't actually read your entire post. This is all I needed to read to know that you should leave immediately, without any guilt or second thoughts:

"He was messing around...and put his arm hard against my throat...since then he has been quite heavy handed and hurt me a few more times"

He is not a good man. He will not become one. You cannot change him. Please leave him.

Fucking hell! I'll try and write a more constructive or nuanced response later. Then again maybe this is all you need. I could actually weep reading your post. I often think that women suffer from unreasonable hope.... hope is a good thing...the perversion of this is unreasonable, blind, diminishing of self, unhealthy, deluded, etc.
Every woman here is saying you are worth so so much more.
Our history doesn't have to define us. We can make a new path that doesn't resemble our family's historic choices and journeys.

The examples you have mentioned are not possible red flags, he is one giant red flag and you need to get out of this now!

If he is displaying this behaviour after only a few weeks, it is only going to get worse and not better.

Protect yourself and your children by ending this and never have anything more to do with him.

Good luck x

What have I just read? Just concentrate on your children!

This is pure pornsick behaviour.

Without exaggeration, OP, it seems to me this violent, woman-hating, porn-addled excuse of a bloke could actually kill you.

OP, what are you going to do?

I just saw that you have kids.
If not for yourself please leave him for them 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

Simply the fact that you think you both 'have strong feelings for each other' after only six weeks makes me think that you need to take a very large step back. You don't really know him. If you don't know him you can't have strong feelings for him, you can only have strong feelings for the man you THINK he is. And the fact he is saying he has feelings for you is persuading you into thinking of him as a much nicer man than he evidently is.

His dad saying he has a good heart isn’t actually the green flag you think it is, in my experience when someone is described this way it’s usually because
they are a wrong ‘un in someway and the person describing them as thus is trying to make excuses for them. For example - Jack is always in trouble with the police, but he’s got a good heart.

Not possible red flags, it’s lots of red flags only 6 weeks in.
Please end it, this is so unhealthy.

Even op's "flip side" /green flags are bright red flags

Contacting you every day - checking up on you
Giving money to you and your kids - making you dependent on him
Being open and honest - about how awful he is!

Your friend is bang on with the smoke and mirrors comment.

I forsee only heartache and pain with this one.

Waste of time posting on this thread. OP is in full defensive mode (“I’m a good mum…”)
Six weeks and she’s letting him slap and choke her during sex. That’s fucked up.
The desperation of some women/mothers to have a man, any man, never ceases to astonish me.

You really have to ask? Seriously? SERIOUSLY?

There is more red flags here than I can comment on. Do you have supportive friends/family in your life?

Oh, and another thing, good men do not slap women during sex. He sounds like a typical rape fantasist porn sick perv and you should not be giving him the message that this is ok. He sounds like a complete loser.

The fact that you think taking a step back is in anyway sufficient is staggering.

The thing is, you've said you'd dump him if he put a hand on your child/children, but damage would already be done by then. I think you're a good mum, but you've got accustomed to some horrible men (and perhaps women) in your life, so you think they're normal. They're not, there are a lot of good and gentle people around, and one of them is the right one for you.

The passivity of saying ‘ I don’t mind’ is deeply concerning too.
Sex is supposed to be a mutually pleasurable and life affirming act not someone saying ‘I don’t mind’.

He takes a can of beer to bed - ‘I don’t mind’
He belittles the things you like- ‘I don’t mind really’
He starts telling you all the reasons you are parenting wrong - ‘I know but I don’t mind’
He says he is moving in because it’ll save you both money- ‘well I don’t mind’

• I know you haven’t said all of these but they are just likely/ inevitable scenarios and escalations.

I don’t mind is not good enough, you deserve to be happy loved and respected and that doesn’t involve minimising yourself and trying to constantly play things down.

Fucking mind !!!!

@Sheshappy123i don’t know if you’re still reading this thread but i hope you see this.

What you’ve already shared about his behaviour is frightening. This is the type of man who could kill you and you need to take this really seriously.
It’s been 6 weeks and there’s so many red flags already. You need to end this relationship immediately and make sure you’re safe when you do.

You really shouldn’t have introduced him to your children. That should be a long way down the road, like a year from now after you know someone well and done Clare’s and Sarah’s law disclosures.

I don’t think for a second you’re doing this on purpose but you are putting them in danger too.

Please please end this urgently.

Are you having a laugh??

He’s checking your phone without permission, strangling and slapping you, bosses you about!! ..

He’s love bombing you and testing boundaries, and you’ve let him get away with FAR TOO MUCH!!!

RUN 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Come on, there’s some deliberate minimising you are doing here so you don’t have to feel like your mum.
He doesn’t see his own children, either because he isn’t allowed to, or he can’t be arsed, you should have heard this corker once and actually thought about what it means for him and his character. Bringing this chaotic environment into yours and yours childrens lives is irresponsible.

I’m sorry, I appreciate you want to be loved., but this isn’t love!
He isn’t ‘playing’ with you either, he’s testing boundaries… and so far yours are pretty non existent! The play fighting and the choking, and slapping you round the face is testing you… see what you’ll allow, he’s hurt you and you’ve cried, he’s apologised, but done similar a second time!! But you’ve stayed… this is after only 6 months?!….
Has he met your children? Please tell me he hasn’t met your children?? He’s off heroin but only for 6 months??…. And he’s replacing that addiction with alcohol.. drinking daily and throwing up repeatedly despite it upsetting you is. Arsed flag… but then gaslighting you because you’ve said you don’t like it… MASSIVE 🚩

There is absolutely no way on this planet I would allow an addict anywhere near my children!! 6 months clean is nothing! And his alcohol intake is alarming…

His jealousy and controlling nature is a concern.

Have you even done ‘Claire’s Law’ ? Sarah’s Law??

I’d be doing both on every man I dated and not letting them in my house or near my child until he’d been given the all clear… even then I would be running at the first sign of any coercive / controlling behaviour… him checking your phone is a no from me… get out… him ‘playing’ at choking you is him showing you exactly who he is!! He clearly has fantasies about choking / slapping women….
YOU KNOW this man a dangerous - that’s why you’ve posted!! Please don’t stay, leave before your feelings grow even stronger, before he hurts you, before he starts using cocaine again and turns up and looses it - makes your kids orphans! Hits you infront of then….

PLEASE get out, you aren’t just ignoring one red flag, you’re ignoring loads.

I know you love your children, but you are NOT putting them first! Bringing an addict into their life ‘because you want to feel loved’ is incredibly irresponsible and selfish!

and as I said, 6 months clean is still early days… and actually he’s not clean because he’s replaced it with excessive drinking,
Don’t ignore your gut, don’t romanticise this as ‘just jealousy because he cares!’ The longer you stay, the more feelings you develop, the more boundaries he crosses and you forgive again and again… he will slowly increase this behaviour, slowly ramp it up, blame you like he did when he flipped the puking and made it about you not rubbing his back! This will increase until everything is your fault! And you’ll probably believe it! You already believe his strangling you was ‘just’ playing around, even though he hurt and scared you, and made you cry! You’ve told him about your trauma about your mum being an alcoholic but yet he continues getting so drunk he pukes! Wake up @Sheshappy123 - this isn’t a loving relationship developing, don’t be fooled by the amazing times, because the warning signs are more important to take notice of! One bad day and your children are orphans

I’m sorry, I appreciate you want to be loved., but this isn’t love!
He isn’t ‘playing’ with you either, he’s testing boundaries… and so far yours are pretty non existent! The play fighting and the choking, and slapping you round the face is testing you… see what you’ll allow, he’s hurt you and you’ve cried, he’s apologised, but done similar a second time!! But you’ve stayed… this is after only 6 months?!….
Has he met your children? Please tell me he hasn’t met your children?? He’s off heroin but only for 6 months??…. And he’s replacing that addiction with alcohol.. drinking daily and throwing up repeatedly despite it upsetting you is. Arsed flag… but then gaslighting you because you’ve said you don’t like it… MASSIVE 🚩

There is absolutely no way on this planet I would allow an addict anywhere near my children!! 6 months clean is nothing! And his alcohol intake is alarming…

His jealousy and controlling nature is a concern.

Have you even done ‘Claire’s Law’ ? Sarah’s Law??

I’d be doing both on every man I dated and not letting them in my house or near my child until he’d been given the all clear… even then I would be running at the first sign of any coercive / controlling behaviour… him checking your phone is a no from me… get out… him ‘playing’ at choking you is him showing you exactly who he is!! He clearly has fantasies about choking / slapping women….
YOU KNOW this man a dangerous - that’s why you’ve posted!! Please don’t stay, leave before your feelings grow even stronger, before he hurts you, before he starts using cocaine again and turns up and looses it - makes your kids orphans! Hits you infront of then….

PLEASE get out, you aren’t just ignoring one red flag, you’re ignoring loads.

I know you love your children, but you are NOT putting them first! Bringing an addict into their life ‘because you want to feel loved’ is incredibly irresponsible and selfish!

and as I said, 6 months clean is still early days… and actually he’s not clean because he’s replaced it with excessive drinking,
Don’t ignore your gut, don’t romanticise this as ‘just jealousy because he cares!’ The longer you stay, the more feelings you develop, the more boundaries he crosses and you forgive again and again… he will slowly increase this behaviour, slowly ramp it up, blame you like he did when he flipped the puking and made it about you not rubbing his back! This will increase until everything is your fault! And you’ll probably believe it! You already believe his strangling you was ‘just’ playing around, even though he hurt and scared you, and made you cry! You’ve told him about your trauma about your mum being an alcoholic but yet he continues getting so drunk he pukes! Wake up @Sheshappy123 - this isn’t a loving relationship developing, don’t be fooled by the amazing times, because the warning signs are more important to take notice of! One bad day and your children are orphans

I’m sorry, I appreciate you want to be loved., but this isn’t love!
He isn’t ‘playing’ with you either, he’s testing boundaries… and so far yours are pretty non existent! The play fighting and the choking, and slapping you round the face is testing you… see what you’ll allow, he’s hurt you and you’ve cried, he’s apologised, but done similar a second time!! But you’ve stayed… this is after only 6 months?!….
Has he met your children? Please tell me he hasn’t met your children?? He’s off heroin but only for 6 months??…. And he’s replacing that addiction with alcohol.. drinking daily and throwing up repeatedly despite it upsetting you is. Arsed flag… but then gaslighting you because you’ve said you don’t like it… MASSIVE 🚩

There is absolutely no way on this planet I would allow an addict anywhere near my children!! 6 months clean is nothing! And his alcohol intake is alarming…

His jealousy and controlling nature is a concern.

Have you even done ‘Claire’s Law’ ? Sarah’s Law??

I’d be doing both on every man I dated and not letting them in my house or near my child until he’d been given the all clear… even then I would be running at the first sign of any coercive / controlling behaviour… him checking your phone is a no from me… get out… him ‘playing’ at choking you is him showing you exactly who he is!! He clearly has fantasies about choking / slapping women….
YOU KNOW this man a dangerous - that’s why you’ve posted!! Please don’t stay, leave before your feelings grow even stronger, before he hurts you, before he starts using cocaine again and turns up and looses it - makes your kids orphans! Hits you infront of then….

PLEASE get out, you aren’t just ignoring one red flag, you’re ignoring loads.

I know you love your children, but you are NOT putting them first! Bringing an addict into their life ‘because you want to feel loved’ is incredibly irresponsible and selfish!

and as I said, 6 months clean is still early days… and actually he’s not clean because he’s replaced it with excessive drinking,
Don’t ignore your gut, don’t romanticise this as ‘just jealousy because he cares!’ The longer you stay, the more feelings you develop, the more boundaries he crosses and you forgive again and again… he will slowly increase this behaviour, slowly ramp it up, blame you like he did when he flipped the puking and made it about you not rubbing his back! This will increase until everything is your fault! And you’ll probably believe it! You already believe his strangling you was ‘just’ playing around, even though he hurt and scared you, and made you cry! You’ve told him about your trauma about your mum being an alcoholic but yet he continues getting so drunk he pukes! Wake up @Sheshappy123 - this isn’t a loving relationship developing, don’t be fooled by the amazing times, because the warning signs are more important to take notice of! One bad day and your children are orphans