Worried about possible red flags early dating?

[Sheshappy123]

Ive been dating a guy for the past 6 weeks (although it feels much longer and things have moved fast and we do have strong feelings for each other already) but a few things have rang small alarm bells in my head and wanted to see wether others would think these are red flags

He looks at my phone when I’m texting and asks who I’m talking to

i noticed one night that he’d looked through my phone as it was open on messages that I hadn’t looked at in ages

He was messing around like play fighting with me and put his arm hard against my throat I got upset and did cry as my last relationship was a little violent at times and I suffered abuse as a child from my mums partner, he did seem upset though and apologised and said he was worried that he’d messed it up but since then he has been quite heavy handed and hurt me a few more times

He’s is a little bossy and will ask me to go in the Kitchen get him a drink etc or ask me to pass him something that’s right next to him

he likes to slap me in the face during sex or grab my throat but he knows I don’t mind this as long as it’s not too hard

He drinks quite a lot mostly every day- goes to bed with a can of alcohol

has thrown up in my garden a few times from being drunk (I did tell him the second time I didn’t like this as it bought back traumatic memories of my mum being an alcoholic) he did kind of apologise but also kind of turnt it round on me saying are you really gonna get funny about it and why didn’t you at least rub my back (I did the first time)

he used to be addicted to cocaine but has been clean 6 months

he’s really charming and gets along with everyone has lots of friends but when on a night one he met one of my friends and she said he’s really nice but said it seems “smoke and mirrors” and just go slowly/be careful

when on a night out another guy grabbed my arm to get me to sit back down (we were with a group of people we just met) and he got aggressive to him and nearly got in a fight”

he’s told me openly that his last relationship went downhill because of drink and drugs on both sides and it becoming toxic and it came to an end when they had a fight and they both became aggressive and he accidentally hurt her, he’s not seen his children since then as his ex moved away, he also openly said she has accused him of being controlling and coercive

He openly admits he struggles with jealousy and he sent aggressive texts to one of my clients that he saw was being a bit flirty and made him block me

On the flip side he’s very emotionally open with me and admitted he’s done lots wrong and has cried when talking about things he’s gone through

He checks on me through the day and we’ve seen each other mostly every day since we’ve met, he’s good with my children (yes he’s met them, when we met each other I was with my children) he gave spending money when i was taking my kids on holiday, brings flowers and is attentive and loving.

he tells me he just wants to be loved, says he’ll look after me and his dad says he’s got a good heart

I don’t know what to think and if I’m thinking too much of things?

What you are seeing as his good side - such as 'giving you spending money' in a six week relationship - are also huge red flags. Ofcourse he's going to be charming and nice to you in between all this horrific stuff - that's textbook for an abuser. There are no green flags here, unless you are desperate to look for them, or your template of a relationship is just awful.

There is no good side to him op

Run, go go go!!!

I have only read the thread title and that alone tells me that it’s got no future whatever so cut your losses and don’t see him again.

A good indicator that someone is not for you @Sheshappy123 is starting a mumsnet thread about being concerned about red flags in a very recent relationship

Dear god you can't be being serious.

I’m sorry for you op, but it is essentially insane that for you these are only ‘possible’ red flags. That is frankly batshit. Any one of those should have had you sending a no thanks text. Obviously end this relationship, but more, you need to do some serious work to fathom why on earth you have to question if this is reasonable.

Are. You. Insane?

Run.

I literally sighed out loud when I read that you have DC and he's met them.

They are at risk, you need to protect them.

6 weeks and you have such strong feelings that you can't see that these red flags are MASSIVE? Absolutely you should have run away after ONE of these incidents

What’s concerning is that you obviously have quite an appalling relationship history and therefore benchmark. I’d end it. And then avoid dating apps etc and instead focus on therapy in your shoes

It’s really worrying that you are having to ask and haven’t dumped him already. You need to work on your boundaries.

I seriously hope this is not a genuine post/poster.

With kindness, you need to call your local domestic abuse charity and ask them to urgently do some one to one work with you. You could also do the freedom programme online but I think you need professional help. I also think you need therapy to explore how your mum’s relationship and childhood impacted you, and whether low self-esteem is the reason you can’t see how much of a risk this man is to you both mentally and physically.

There is nothing good about this man. He’s physically harmed you and made you cry, spying on you and sexually violent. None of this is acceptable. It is abuse. You deserve love, care, respect and safety at the very least.
Please end it immediately.

You have been seeing him for SIX WEEKS. Bloody hell - he is seriously bad news. There is NO good side to a man who uses domination or violence against you a new relationship like this.

You have introduced him to your children. OMFG.

Your kids are witnessing what you witnessed as a child. It's hard but break the cycle and put them - and you - first. Get out of this relationship now. Nobody should be slapping or hurting you. Who next - your kids?

JFC run like the wind!
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

ps giving your kids spending money after being in a relationship for 6 weeks is also a red flag!

I had to stop reading.
Run, far, far away.

Neither of you have ‘strong feelings for each other’ by the way. You are both desperate to be loved and will make your fantasy about anyone.

OP, a relationship is like a chain, it is never stronger than its weakest link
It s not how good he is when things are alright that matters, it’s how bad he can be when things get difficult.
And anyway, he is putting an act now to charm you. He will never stay like that, his true facade will show sooner rather than later.
Run.

Run very fast over the hills and far away..!

Yes this.

He is a red flag
but absolutely so is the Op

If I knew @Sheshappy123 in RL, I’d implore her to run.

If I knew him in RL, I’d implore him to run.

Both clearly have…. Issues

So you’re just repeating exactly what you witnessed your mum endure whilst you were growing up.

Time to break the cycle. Do the Freedom Programme and you’ll make much better choices in the future.

And ditch this abusive asshole as soon as you can.

Its grooming.

Her kids aren't safe.