Refusing to chase after another silent treatment

[Melon1989]

Hi everyone, just looking for some outside perspective/sanity check on this as I’m currently feeling really crappy but trying to hold my ground.

I’ve been dating a guy since January, and we agreed to be exclusive in March.

About six weeks ago, we had a minor argument. He got annoyed, ignored my phone calls, and wouldn’t speak to me at all for two days. I was ready to end things then and there because it felt so emotionally immature, but he came back with a massive apology, swore it wouldn’t happen again, and to be fair, put in a lot of effort after that. We’ve been spending a lot of time together since and he has been thoughtful and considerate.

Fast forward to this weekend. We went on a lovely date on Saturday night and I stayed over his. On Sunday, he woke up in a massive huff. It turns out he was annoyed/paranoid about the fact that I was going out with a group of friends drinking on Sunday for a friends birthday. I left his, and he was in a mood even when saying goodbye.

There has been absolute radio silence since then.

I haven't reached out to him and I don't plan to. I feel this is just another silent treatment power play to try and make me chase him, or feel guilty for having a social life outside of him. It’s completely emotionally draining.

Am I doing the right thing by refusing to chase him, and just letting it fizzle out? It feels empty and awful right now.

@Melon1989 dump him now. This is a pattern of behaviour that will continue and escalate. Get any stuff of yours from his place, dump any of his stuff back at his, then cut all contact completely. If he has keys to yours, change the locks. He will never change, and will become more controlling and coercive.

It isn’t meant to be this hard. Cut loose, immediately!

the only response to this is to dump him. Immediately. If needed you can say ‘I see. I’m after a mature partner who supports my career, so we aren’t compatible.’

The one thing you aren't doing right is letting it fizzle. Why drag it out, silent treatment is a form of abuse and thank goodness you are strong and won't take it, but break up citing why and end it properly?

You don’t let it fizzle out, you block and end it. He won’t let it fizzle, he will keep doing this and reel you back in. You need to prevent that from happening.
Thank goodness you have seen his behaviour.

@Melon1989 it won’t fizzle out though . He will come back and do the same again. He will pull you back in and then the next time it will be a longer punishment. He thinks he has you where he wants you .
You are going to have to end it next time he gets in touch. Be very strong and tell him he has not to call or txt you and you don’t want him near your work or home .
Id put this in a txt and silence his chat .

More red flags than a Chinese parade. If he's like this after 6 months I dread to think what he'd be like after marriage and potentially children. Bin him and resolve for next time that being annoyed about you spending time with friends or talking to any male person should both be instant red lines, from which there can be no return once crossed.

Yes.

By going 'exclusive' in March ,he s misinterpreted that as your his.....exclusively his ....like a possesion.He s showing early narcissistic traits.Don t get any more involved.
You re less than 5 months into this relationship, you don t need this for your future.The longer the relationship goes on the more you ll " belong" to him ,his behaviour towards you will deteriorate.
Be prepared for him trying sweet talk you round.
Read some of the appalling posts re abusive relationships on this app.
No question....Block and move on to a happier life.
Your fortunate you can put this down to life experience at this stage.So set your bar higher the next time.
Good luck.💐

Oh, this is a MAJOR red flag. This was one of my abusive exH's favourite tactics. He would ignore me for hours, days, weeks on end, frequently. It never, ever got better, it only got worse, and he did it on my 40th birthday, too. And there was literally nothing I could do about it. Nothing worked. I must have asked him a hundred million times "What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong?" And the answers came back "Nothing, nothing, nothing." Oh, until it would finish with an explosion. Then the honeymoon period. The cycle of abuse.

There is NO excuse for the silent treatment. It's immature, it's controlling, it's nasty, and it's the hallmark of someone who has deep problems with intimacy, connection, and communication. He may well be a great person outside of a relationship. But this is NOT someone you want to be in a relationship with.

Christ, if he's this bad now, I shudder to think what he'd be like after commitment. Mine was the master of the silent treatment, and even he didn't start it till I was trapped.

And I'll tell you something else: The silent treatment is an expression of rage. Do you deserve that rage? Do you want to be around it? No and no, is my guess.

Kick that little piglet up his arse and watch him sail over the horizon, wailing and screeching like the nasty little boy he is. Do it for me, who suffered years of this abuse. And then come back and tell me all about it.

Men like this need to be swiftly kicked into touch. And since they're cowardly bullies, he'll probably be begging your forgiveness, like before. Don't fall for it.

Leave the relationship.

Oh god. What a man child. Block him. That's abusive behaviour. You should be in your honeymoon period and he's acting like this now? What's he going to be like in a few weeks,months? My friend's boyfriend is like this. A 50 year old man. It's embarrassing. He's like an immature toddler but she's been with him for almost 20 years. You deserve better. Walk away with your head held high.

At least you haven't wasted too much time on him. Go and find someone better.

Will never get better, can only get worse. Cut your losses and move on.

No contact since a huffy goodbye on Sunday? Today seems like the perfect day to block a sulky dickhead.

Just read your other bit where he doesn't like you having male friends or speaking to male colleagues. Oh, hell to the no. Who does he think he is? Why do so many men think they have the right to control women? Tell him to piss right off!

Oh, and the way you had the loveliest time on Saturday and then he was in a mood when you woke up the next day? Yeah, that kind of whiplash is part of the abuse, too. It's meant to keep you off-balance.

It's vital that you see that the nice side of him is part of the abuse. It's a mask, not the real him.

He sounds like a very nasty piece of work under his early-dating facade, which is already starting to slip.

Seriously sister, you're better off being single for a thousand years than being with someone like him. I'd show him who's the boss by dumping him, hard.

Thankfully he’s shown who he is early on. That behaviour is never going to improve, but it will probably get worse.

Ewwww. Abusive, entitled, controlling wanker.

You deserve so much better.

Good luck finding someone lovely OP x

So many red flags! What a controlling manipulative twat. Dump him!!!

End it absoltutely this isn’t going anywhere good, it will ramp up, it always does.

well done on having boundaries and recognising the signs, there is a lady on another thread who is deep in it, serious co ercive control and emotional abuse, it’s just so sad to read, and it starts off like your guy.

end it immediately.

It sounds as though he has a bit of a borderline personality adaptation. I have one too and can recognise this behaviour in myself. Of course I don’t know, and I don’t know him but happy to suggest insights.

Ooh no, fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Congratulations on spotting it early on!

Don't let it "fizzle out". Send him a message to say the relationship is over, you no longer want to see him and then block him. Otherwise he's just sitting thinking when he'll deign to contact you!

He's being like this and you've only been together since January. Not that this behaviour is ever okay, no matter how long you've been together.

But he has shown you who he is this quickly in thank goodness!

He's trying to train you to behave exactly as he wants by throwing these moods in and punishing you. This is how abuse starts. Nasty and nice pull. He has already gone back on his word to not do this again.

It will hurt a bit but rip that plaster off. He will cause you nothing but issues in the future if you continue this. You will be walking on egg shells. Whenever you waver, come back to this post and re read and post if necessary.

You wrote here for a reason. Time to move on.

I have experience of this. Just be a bit careful, OP. He will come back, all nasty, and wanting to know why you 'ignored' him. Have you a ring doorbell?