Refusing to chase after another silent treatment

[Melon1989]

Hi everyone, just looking for some outside perspective/sanity check on this as I’m currently feeling really crappy but trying to hold my ground.

I’ve been dating a guy since January, and we agreed to be exclusive in March.

About six weeks ago, we had a minor argument. He got annoyed, ignored my phone calls, and wouldn’t speak to me at all for two days. I was ready to end things then and there because it felt so emotionally immature, but he came back with a massive apology, swore it wouldn’t happen again, and to be fair, put in a lot of effort after that. We’ve been spending a lot of time together since and he has been thoughtful and considerate.

Fast forward to this weekend. We went on a lovely date on Saturday night and I stayed over his. On Sunday, he woke up in a massive huff. It turns out he was annoyed/paranoid about the fact that I was going out with a group of friends drinking on Sunday for a friends birthday. I left his, and he was in a mood even when saying goodbye.

There has been absolute radio silence since then.

I haven't reached out to him and I don't plan to. I feel this is just another silent treatment power play to try and make me chase him, or feel guilty for having a social life outside of him. It’s completely emotionally draining.

Am I doing the right thing by refusing to chase him, and just letting it fizzle out? It feels empty and awful right now.

i agree!

he also tried to bend the conversation to make it seem as though he was ending things over my crime of not texting him while out with friends.

I’m happy for him to have that delusional version of events - I’m already feeling better and know I’ll be really relieved over the next few weeks once the initial hurt has worn off.

I had one of these. He would have the most major tantrums over nothing, stomp off, and not contact me.
Last time it happened, I was ‘sad’ for about 2 days. Then I counted my blessings and never contacted him again. Absolutely the best thing I ever did, but it did take me 2 years!

Him worrying about you speaking to other men was entirely his self-manufactured problem, it didn't and couldn't 't place any burden on you to ameliorate it. The simple fact is that you have a perfect right to talk to whomever you please. If he thinks you can't be trusted, he shouldn't be with you.

I agree with this! OP, he created a problem out of thin air to mask the fact that he enjoys bullying women, and probably needs to, in order to deal with his feelings of inadequacy.

And yeah, of course he doubled down on his "explanation". He was hardly going to say the truth, which is this:

"I was really horrible to you for no reason because I need to put my female partner down, bully her, and control her, because it makes me feel like a Big Important Man to control someone physically weaker than me. I hate women. Men are better than women. Yes, I really am that pathetic."

⬆️ That's who he IS, OP. Fuck the noise about nights out and texting. He's an abusive bully who thinks that women are beneath men. That's all of it. That's all you need to know.

Did he ever contact you again?? What an arsehole.

You don't need this man-child.

OP, sorry you are sad.

What you are experiencing is feeling let down.

I actually think you should give yourself a pat on the back. You have recognised it for what it is, and had the self respect and courage to end it. You chose you.
Go out, buy yourself something nice, and chalk it up to another frog you had to kiss on your journey, and that it was a learning experience. In future, you will recognise this behaviour instantly and avoid it upfront.

Honestly, well done.

Gosh what a lucky thing he’s shown his true self so early. What an escape. Well done. He has abusive twat written all over him, but sometimes they hide it really well. Phew. You’ll feel better soon my dear!

DUMP HIM!! This is classic love bombing and coercive control behaviour. It will only get worse and you will have to shrink yourself to have any modicum of a half decent life. If you get a mortgage with this guy or have kids it will make it really difficult for you to leave him when you wake up one day and realise he isn’t shit and does not deserve you or any woman for that matter.

It's hard, OP, but congratulations. You just earned yourself a healthy, happy future. This guy would have sucked all the life out of you, as he was already doing. Blokes like him should come with a fluorescent warning stamp on their forehead. Actually they more or less do, well done for acting on it!

I ended it

It's quite scary that men behave like this - that they can control women, who they see and if they are somehow 'accountable' and need to check in with him.

WTF does he think he's doing?

Is this Andrew Tate territory or what?

He ought to have big red flag tattooed on his forehead as he will keep behaving like this.

To be fair women do this too and quite a lot,

Gosh this is brilliant. I wish I’d known you in my teens and twenties. You would’ve saved me an ocean of tears.

I’m loving that women are actually giving women practical, insightful advice rather than in my day, ‘oh he’s probably insecure/depressed/likes you too much, give him another chance’ 🤑

Well I don't know anyone who has, ever.

It fits the male pattern of trying to control women, not allow them to have friends, control their emotions with silly childish sulks, etc.

I wonder who is raising men like this? What role models do they have? Possibly none.

Nothing to be embarrassed about. If anything he should be the one embarrassed by making you so anxious you had to resort to meds after such a long time. That alone should tell you you’ve done the right thing. You’ll be sad for a while, but that will pass. A lifetime of being controlled and abused - not so much.

Op I’m 9 months in to nc with a man who had absolutely no business being in a relationship and I’m still so disappointed . I’m pissed off and still miss the potential of what the relationship SHOULD and could have been

You’ve dodged a bullet there.

Yes.

Pull away, he is controlling you.

This.

It is NOT the same. Men often have more money and power in the relationship; men are more likely to be sniffing other bottoms like the dogs they are; and women are at FAR FAR greater risk of domestic violence than men are. Men's bullying control over women is far more sinister and threatening than the other way round. Men generally see controlling partners as an annoying nuisance, whereas women have reason to be properly scared. There's a reason that there's a Women's Aid and not a Men's Aid, and why there are refuges for women and not for men. (Yes, I know that men can be victims of DV, but it's not common and the dynamics are totally different, not to mention the size and strength differential that women are up against.)

This describes my former marriage exactly, and my feelings about it too.

There is nothing but misery and heartbreak with these creatures.

I was online dating, and some men gave themselves away really early. Once, I didn't text a guy back for five hours - it was a work day, middle of the week - and I got a message saying "If you can't even text.." blah blah blah. It was so OTT that for a moment I was confused and thought "Did I tell him I can't text? I don't remember that." And the kicker is that this was early talking, we hadn't even met!

With another guy, also early messaging, I wanted to keep to messaging on the platform for the time being. It had only been a day or two, and I wanted to keep talking on there. I didn't yet feel comfortable giving out my phone number. And he proceeds to inform me that "You should be comfortable talking to me by now." It had been about TWO DAYS! I thought, "Don't you tell me what I should and shouldn't feel comfortable with."

Early talking, and both displayed relational aggression. Earned themselves a quick block, but honestly. It was disappointing to see how many men think they can - or should - be able to control women. It makes me SO mad. We're not fucking toddlers, and they are not the boss. If they really piss me off, I say to them "Maybe you'd like to show me your certificate that shows you are qualified to boss me around? Actually, since I can pretty much guarantee that I did better in education than you, it should be ME bossing YOU around." 😡

I mean, who do these men think they ARE? Women are their equals. We don't have to answer to them. As the song from Pretty Woman, "Wild Women Do," goes:

You tell me you want a woman who's
As simple as a flower.
Well if you want me to act like that,
You'd better pay me by the hour.

Should be the fucking Mumsnet anthem. Fuck 'em all. 😡
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For some reason, you have to click on the figure 1 under the thumbnail to listen to the song.