Wife is sad about being overweight but doesn't make any effort to change

[T92]

I am 34 (male) and have been married to my wife (32) for 3 years, together for 12. We have one child who is 6 months.

My wife has always been on the larger size. She was a size 16/18 when I met her. I found her incredibly attractive and for the first couple of years her weight wasn't an issue for either of us.

She has fluctuated up and down over the years but has steadily been gaining weight for the past few years. She is currently a size 22.

She constantly moans about her weight now and has done for years. She went to the gym before our wedding but lasted 3 weeks, she regularly does Slimming World or calorie counting but gives up after a couple of weeks. I fully support these endeavours and cook healthy, offer to go for walks with her or take the baby whilst she goes alone etc but she does very little, if any, exercise apart from walking around the supermarket. Our diet isn't outrageous but she snacks a lot and is constantly talking about food. She keeps saying she will 'start on Monday' but never does. She keeps saying that she's just had a baby which I understand but I am the one that takes him for long walks in his pram after I finish work. She has taken him once.

She is constantly asking me if I still love her and fancy her. I do and to be honest, our sex life is as good as it has ever been but there is no getting away from the fact that she is obese and unhealthy.

She came downstairs recently and said that she wanted to run a half marathon next year. I was a little sceptical having run one myself recently and told her that it was a serious undertaking for a non-runner. She got upset and said I didn't believe in her and I should be supportive. I was honest with her and said that she never sees things through. I explained her constant moaning about her weight and lifestyle is hard to listen to when she makes no effort to change.

I came downstairs the next day and apologised and said (truthfully) if she put her mind to it, she could run a half marathon and I will support her but she has to take the training seriously... that was a month ago and she has been for a couple of walks and complained about a sore back and hadn't mentioned it since, kind of proving my point.

I love my wife dearly but her lifestyle and inaction are causing me concern. I genuinely think she wants to change but feels trapped and that she has too much to do. She is a fantastic Mum but I am hands on too, I do all the housework and I will take the little man out for hours at a time on my own and she will generally spend that time sat on the sofa doomscrolling. I get she needs a break but then she complains she is unproductive and the cycle continues.

I'm appealing to the women of Mumsnet, how can I support her?

🙄

I was obese for most of my life from the age of four. Yo yo dieting meant that each time I lost weight, I put it back on - and some. Every time I dieted all I could think about was food and jumping on and off the scales which did a power of no good. The guilt thing of starting a diet, breaking it and thinking ’well I may as well start again on Monday’ is destructive. I’m now ’only’ a little overweight, but what clinched it for me was to stop dieting and weighing myself and eat what I want - the proviso being to be hungry, eat more slowly and ask ’Am I really enjoying every mouthful?’ Also it’s helpful to identify ’comfort eating’, from boredom, unhappiness or if something goes wrong. There are thoughts now about over processed food i.e that which contains ingredients you would not usually find in a kitchen, which has been proven not to satisfy hunger and consequently cause weight gain. As I understand it (in simple terms) when we drink sweet zero calorie drinks, the brain is programmed to expect the same physical effect of a sugary drink. When that doesn’t happen, the craving for something sweet is not satisfied and so the natural reaction is to look for something that will achieve the expected effect. That may be why be why your wife is snacking. It’s worth looking at Chris Van Tulleken’s book ’Ultra-Processed People: Why Do We All Eat Stuff That Isn't Food... and Why Can't We Stop?’ It’s great that you reassure your wife that you still find her attractive. I’m sure weight anxiety causes a vicious cycle of feast and famine and if your wife can take on board that one or two lapses of unwise goodies isn’t going to be the end of sensible eating for ever, she can be less hard on herself. I hope you both succeed.

I've been diagnosed with sleep apnea this week and to be honest I'm freaking out a bit. I stop sleeping 9 to 20 times on average per hour and am now on the waiting list for cpap. I'm dreading it as I'm claustrophobic and can't bear things on my face plus I don't sleep well due to a spinal disease. I'm also worried the kids will be scared of the mask. I have multiple other health conditions, am overweight due to them and now I've added this to the list. It's so depressing

how ridiculous?! OP is concerned about his wife’s health and happiness.

Your baby is only 6 months old ffs, you support her by reassuring her that she is still beautiful and her body has done an amazing thing growing, birthing and nourishing your child!

Its unreasonable of you to be moaning that she's unhappy about her body but "doing nothing" about it. Its bloody hard work having a baby and tbh taking on a new half marathon fitness training regime when its not something you've ever done before isnt perhaps the best place to start.
Couch 2 5K migbt be a better place to start IF she really does want to do a half marathon in future, but don't lecture her!

As for snacking, again your baby is 6 months old! How often does she get time to make and sit and eat a meal in one go!! Shes also probably bloody knackered and its defo easier to reach for a biscuit when feeding baby than peel and chop a carrot!

You could support her by asking if it would helpful for her if you prepped her lunch and/or healthy snacks for her and left them in the fridge for her to easily access.

Your baby is now at the age where hes likely sitting up/rolling/crawling etc so will need a lot more supervision than when he was tiny - your wife isnt going to get any more time or energy to prioritise her snacking and fitness anytime soon!

Wegovy is about £25 a week . We save that much on the food shop . Why not use this really good tool , you still have to diet etc but it is so much easier .

I cannot bear people who don't understand weight issues You can try to do something about it .....and lose lots of weight/2 stone or more.....only for it to come back again (like it did for me a dozen times over the years) because ultimately you can't starve yourself indefinitely (which is what I needed to do to keep slim). Sadly for lots of people who struggle with weight issues, it isn't because they're lazy or don't know how to eat healthy it's because they are simply more hungry than "normal" people. I see that as a bloody good reason to moan!!!! It's fckin unfair!!

You seem to have no idea how tight finances are for most people. An extra £200-250 a month is not being supportive for many people. It’s unfit. Why are you so hostile?

Where is it £25 a week? Maybe the low doses are cheaper but I know someone on the higher dose as it’s £200 a month

I think exercise is the key. Going to a gym can become tedious and running at a size 22 would have consequences for knees etc.
it’s summertime and walking should be her goal, taking water, not snacks.
I had twins and walked twice a day. Pushing a buggy uphills saw me lose a stone rapidly. I was out of the house, away from food and chatting to strangers and other mums was a distraction.

It's hard as it is a vicious cycle. The larger someone gets the more depressed they feel about it and the more they comfort eat. I like my comfort snacks too, so I can understand. What I could eat in my 20s and 30s and stay slim, I'm finding I can't get away with in my 40s so I'm trying to change.

I think for some people the key is to find what exercise they enjoy. I tried couch to 5k 3 different times and failed every time. Eventually I realised I didn't have the mentality to push myself to do it as, as it turns out, I don't like running. So out went my dreams of doing 5k park runs and I tried different things instead. I did dance fit and pilates for a while, which I loved but had to stop when I changed jobs. Now I go line dancing and I walk the dog most days. Those are two things I definitely enjoy so I'm far more motivated to do them.

Maybe, in a few months once baby is older, offer to have baby one or two evenings a week or a weekend morning so she can go out and try different classes and groups or go swimming or play rugby or whatever it is she wants to try. Hopefully then she'll find the thing which she both enjoys and keeps her fit. I suspect then she'll also be more motivated to eat healthier.

I've recently started the 80% rule. Which means don't keep eating until you feel stuffed, stop when you feel 80% full. Therefore you've eaten enough to feel satisfied but you aren't overeating. And tell yourself that throwing food away is okay when you first start!! It does reduce the amount you eat and it's far easier than calorie counting and all the diets.

I have literally never posted on mumnet before but wanted to say if she is breastfeeding you haven't said, the hunger that comes with that is unreal. Also having a 6 month old is exhausting. Having the baby a few hours is good but she is raising the child 24/7 doomscrolling will release the pressure on her. Instead of dont do it. Set a timer "in 30 mins we are going for a walk, enjoy your phone ive got baby, relax". Consider framing it as fresh air good for baby and less, we are trying to move more.

After whatever talk you have a practical helpful thing would be to prepare healthy delicious snacks that will support her body and provide energy she needs. Stuff she can eat with one hand because no doubt she will have baby in the other. Preparing food takes energy and a change in habits. She has recently had a baby its too much to ask to change her habits at the same time. Easier for you to include some.
My DH used to make me a packed lunch because I was just so over whelmed when he got home I would have lived off biscuits all day else.

She may be very happy but this is a tough time for mums, try not to look at weight as one singular thing as her life as a whole. Run a bath for her, plan a picnic, get a babysitter for a date night. find different ways for her to decompress that's not just her phone.
Her motivation won't come back in one hit, or one conversation. It will be a drip feed of different things over time which will be very frustrating for you. Show patience if you can.
As someone else said it takes two years for your body and hormones to recover from having a baby regardless of the crap and expectations in society. That's just science.

Ps I also hate people who moan about being overweight but dont do anything about it. This is not the same thing. This is a new mum struggling.
Well done for reaching out. Hope you get some good ideas

No, she expressed for as long as possible but baby has been formula fed since 3 months

The OP replied to this question already .

ah The “big salad” and “exercise is key” do you think that as someone whinges about being overweight and doesn’t want to be will not have tried this? When you get to a certain point it really (almost always)become metabolically difficult to lose weight.

I have been overweight all my life. Especially from 11 onwards I was enormous. This was unusual in the 90s. I slimmed down a bit in my late teens and 20s then ballooned again and slimmed a bit. I have tried WW, SW, MFP slim fast, fast 800, 5:2, bikini bootcamp, IF, OMAD, volume eating. Low UPF, the James Duncan diet. and it was just impossible. I exercised loads gym spin swimming 1km plus, have a busy life and exhausting job. The reality is food addiction made it impossible for me to lose with. Exercise is maybe 20%. Nutrition is everything, bodies are made in the kitchen not the Gym. Obesity is a disease not a moral failing.

In lost 5 stone on Mounjaro. Hope to lose another two. I dreamed about this everyday. I hated being obese.

I made sacrifices to afford WLI. I buy much less food. And each cheaply and healthy. I also eat a lot of cake for someone losing weight- it’s completely bizarre.

WLI are a lifesavers and it’s clear on this thread that many people see it as a moral failing.

OP ask you wife if she want to have WLI and you find a way to support her. See what she says.

Can you offer to pay for mounjaro for her? Once she starts it, she may be more motivated to keep up the healthy lifestyle. My experience is that you tend to avoid the processed/fatty food when on mounjaro as it tends to not agree. Once you start loosing weight you feel so much happier about exercising. Joints hurt less, food noise is gone. I know MJ sounds expensive but I guarantee your food bill will go down. If I was your wife, I'd want to know that you're okay with supporting me with weight loss injections and if I was on mat leave pay I'd be very grateful if you offered to pay until I was back at work. Check out the weight loss board on Mumsnet for useful info about wegovy/MJ.

One thought here , is she getting enough sleep ?
because lack of sleep can make you grab things like a small bar of chocolate or biscuits along with a coffee to keep you going .
I know that’s what I did ( but I had 3 kids and absolutely no help ) but I also took the pram out for long walks to get out of the house so weight was stable and didn’t increase .
The other thing is boredom and lack of time to prepare more nutritious and filling snacks / meals for the times you’re not there

Weight loss injections. They were made for this situation. Ask her if she wants to try Mounjaro.

Health is extremely important, it is worth forgoing other luxuries like holidays to pay for this.

Is this something you could do together? Could you get rid of anything unhealthy in the house together to draw a line under things and then get in healthier foods and leave those for her breakfast and lunch and do dinner so she isn’t hunting for food around caring for baby leading to quick unhealthy snaking. Could you then go on walks with baby together? Just short ones to start with, but build it up over time given she will naturally struggle over time due to her weight at its current level? Might be good bonding for all of you together. Can you work out together at her pace with baby out in the garage with you too in it’s pram or similar? I think your involvement and encouragement are possibly key here. Losing weight can be tough and you absolutely have to get in the right mindset and I do think supporting each other is really helpful. My husband and I struggle and it only really works when we approach it as a team.

Bolt . In fact I o n ly paid £1 this month because I referred someone . Most people will not pay £200 unless they are severely overweight . Then it's a case of urgency to lose it because of health concerns . You save massively on food shopping. Some people need all the help they can get .

I Save so much one food! About 50%

There is such a thing as "food noise". It's what taking WL meds controls. This food noise supersedes your wife's wanting to change. Do some reading on current weight control ideas.

@T92

Goodness, you’ve had a battering! I mean, you woke up some of the man haters, I guess that was expected, but still.

I can totally see why you reached out, and quite rightly, I’ve found this frustrating with an ex too. You can drag a horse to water…. Learned incompetence?

DW may well have PND, I’m wondering if (undiagnosed?) ADHD? Some therapy for her if she’s open to it may be helpful (and I say this as a psychological therapist).

I’d be tempted to get the jogging pushchair anyway, then you could take child, DW may be more encouraged to join in then. Role modelling (for child and DW), without shaming, is important.

I hope she finds something that sticks and makes her see she’s worth being healthy for, to keep up with son too!

Maybe once baby gets moving it’ll be easier for her?

Sounds like ADHD. She does things that bring her immediate dopamine but fails to stick with things long term when she doesn’t see the results in front of her, even if she wants to do it. Plus ADHD makes you have food noise and snack. Honestly everything you mention sounds ADHD to me (I have ADHD)

Buy or borrow a running pram. Even just walking every day is a start ( I would be surprised if she hasn’t been advised this by her baby health nurse as it’s good for baby too) those prams are very hardy.

go with her after work ? And as often as you can. Don’t talk about the weight, just go for a walk altogether. Company is good.

Having been where your wife is, mounjaro was absolutely my answer. Now fit and healthy with a much better diet too. Took about a year.