Wife is sad about being overweight but doesn't make any effort to change

[T92]

I am 34 (male) and have been married to my wife (32) for 3 years, together for 12. We have one child who is 6 months.

My wife has always been on the larger size. She was a size 16/18 when I met her. I found her incredibly attractive and for the first couple of years her weight wasn't an issue for either of us.

She has fluctuated up and down over the years but has steadily been gaining weight for the past few years. She is currently a size 22.

She constantly moans about her weight now and has done for years. She went to the gym before our wedding but lasted 3 weeks, she regularly does Slimming World or calorie counting but gives up after a couple of weeks. I fully support these endeavours and cook healthy, offer to go for walks with her or take the baby whilst she goes alone etc but she does very little, if any, exercise apart from walking around the supermarket. Our diet isn't outrageous but she snacks a lot and is constantly talking about food. She keeps saying she will 'start on Monday' but never does. She keeps saying that she's just had a baby which I understand but I am the one that takes him for long walks in his pram after I finish work. She has taken him once.

She is constantly asking me if I still love her and fancy her. I do and to be honest, our sex life is as good as it has ever been but there is no getting away from the fact that she is obese and unhealthy.

She came downstairs recently and said that she wanted to run a half marathon next year. I was a little sceptical having run one myself recently and told her that it was a serious undertaking for a non-runner. She got upset and said I didn't believe in her and I should be supportive. I was honest with her and said that she never sees things through. I explained her constant moaning about her weight and lifestyle is hard to listen to when she makes no effort to change.

I came downstairs the next day and apologised and said (truthfully) if she put her mind to it, she could run a half marathon and I will support her but she has to take the training seriously... that was a month ago and she has been for a couple of walks and complained about a sore back and hadn't mentioned it since, kind of proving my point.

I love my wife dearly but her lifestyle and inaction are causing me concern. I genuinely think she wants to change but feels trapped and that she has too much to do. She is a fantastic Mum but I am hands on too, I do all the housework and I will take the little man out for hours at a time on my own and she will generally spend that time sat on the sofa doomscrolling. I get she needs a break but then she complains she is unproductive and the cycle continues.

I'm appealing to the women of Mumsnet, how can I support her?

What a ridiculous response

you’re wrong

MJ buys her time and incentive to make the changes she needs to make for long term success

it will change her life. When you can afford to do it, please encourage her

Oh no.

I read peer reviewed research. Look at journals. Never seen a Tik Tok or used You Tube for reading.

The science is heavily influenced by the pharma weight loss industry but is still there evidencing the harm and failure of interventions even in heavily subsidised research papers. Most intentional weight loss fails and causes greater harms

I'm not a man hater 😫😫

I love men

But a man who comes online to slag off his wife who has gone up a couple of dress sizes after having a baby, and who wants to relax for a bit on her mat leave, is awful and I said what i think

Why youre quoting me and then expecting me not to respond, I dont know 🙄🙄

No it isnt, its a very measured response

The replies shaming the wife and him implying she is lazy is crappy imo

Moving and eating healthy foods like fruit and vegetables etc etc is the way ..improving physical and mental health.

..,,: and then you hit menopause and realise that what you thought was a pile of bollocks really IS a pile of bollocks.

move more/eat less… what a fucking crock

Unfortunately I don’t feel there is anything you can do. She has to be the one who puts herself first before you and the baby.
I got down about my weight after our second baby and never burdened my husband with it. I took a long hard look in the mirror and kept telling myself everyday that I was important and that I am going to put myself first. I began taking walks every night once the kids went to bed, I prioritised putting them to bed early so I could go walking. My husband didn’t get involved , just said he missed me in the evenings while I was out walking. The whole of my maternity leave I prioritised myself and lost 2 stone. Now that’s shifted I can spend some evenings with my husband instead of walking. I also cut down on food in general, I don’t eat healthy I just eat less.
Your wife is only 6 months PP, it’s salvageable. Just tell her to put you and the kids second and give her time alone to focus on herself. The biggest thing my husband did was give me that

Practically speaking at size 22 its getting into hard to wipe your bum territory, being puffed just tying your shoes laces and visceral fat encasing all your organs and lying behind the layer of muscle of her stomach. Is her stomach quite hard despite being large?

The easiest way to get started IMO is swimming every frigging day. It’ll take a couple of hours and remove her from food for that tme. Can you give her a couple of hours a day to do this?
‘I’ve been where she is more than once. I swim 6 days a week. It’s the only way for me.

@T92 can you get a walking pad in your house? If she scrolls/watches tv for an hour but walking at a decent speed on the walking pad this could be a good start.

Women do not have to put weight on at menopause. My friends are all post meno and none are fat.

Honestly it doesn't sound like you can do much more. A person has to be ready to make changes themselves, you can support, encourage, cheer them on. But can't make her change. Something has to click and that'll only happen when she's truly ready.

Looking after a baby is a daunting task and can sometimes feel about as boring and long term as you can get. It is not project focused. You do the same things over and over and over and over again.

I'm inclined to agree with another poster that PND might be at play here. The fact that she's not taking the baby for walks in the pram also makes me think that perhaps she is very self-conscious about her weight, but that doesn't make things any easier.

You clearly love her very much, but any changes she makes to her lifestyle need to be led by her, otherwise if you try and encourage or persuade her to do it, she'll dig her heels in.

You don’t think it’s possible to save £3-£6 a day by eating less snacks?

Tesco cheesecake £4
Tesco fresh custard £2.10

Half of this a day £6.20/2 =3.1 days·£ £3.10.

Add on biscuits, chocolate, crisps, drinks and all the other snacks I no longer eat, it’s really not difficult to save the cost if you’re on a low/medium dose, which many people find is sufficient.

As for “it does nothing to change your lifestyle”, it enables you to change your lifestyle.

There isn’t really much you can do unless your wife wants to change things for herself.
My DH is overweight, was significantly overweight when we met but lost some when we moved in together as I took over most of the food prep as I was at home earlier in the evening then he was so he naturally ate better.
He lost approx 4 stone prior to Covid after being diagnosed with a health condition that was going to be life long but very manageable, because it was the kick up the bottom he needed.
My DH was furloughed for months and then turned to baking and cooking to ease the boredom and since then the weight has crept back on and he’s back where he started pre Covid but probably not as heavy as when we met.
Ive tried to be supportive, encourage walks and cook healthy meals but he’s a big on snacks and fizzy drinks, I’ve tried nagging about setting a better example for the children etc
After 20 years of being together I’ve pretty much given up now, he’s a fully functioning adult so needs to take responsibility for his choices. I love him completely and he’s my best friend, I joke to him that I’ve got him well insured but he knows i get frustrated and sad about the lack of care he shows himself but he just loves food, it’s a big part of who he is.
He has mentioned the jabs and we could stretch to it but he knows that he would need to change his habits for the weight loss to be sustainable long term and he’s not at the point that he wants to do that.
All you can do is continue to as you are, don’t tell her she never sticks at anything keep inviting her to join you in activities and be as supportive as possible.

I’m not sure how I can say this kindly but if you’re eating half a cheesecake a day plus chocolate and biscuits etc then it’s no wonder why you’re so overweight.

That sounds like a food addiction and I’m not sure how the WLIs are going to work for you long term.

The appetite and food noise reduction will fade over time, so how are you going to stop going back to your bad habits?

You wouldn’t have a problem if your husband was a men’s size XXXL and constantly complained about being overweight but did nothing about it? Spare me.

Thanks for your concern. Yes, it was really not rocket science why I was so overweight. Do you think most obese people can’t understand why they are obese. I didn’t eat cheesecake and chocolate and biscuits in one day, or indeed half a cheesecake everyday. These are examples to illustrate how much you can spend on snacks. If you don’t believe obese people can easily spend £3 to £6 pounds a day on snacks, well, you’re wrong.

I haven’t noticed any reduction in the wli injections effectiveness so I’m not sure where you’re coming from with that. I can now easily maintain at 2.5mg and I don’t see any loss of suppression from one dose to the next. I often go two weeks or more between and my weight is constant. For weight management purposes I could try coming off the jabs (which might work or might not) but I don’t want to as I want the cardiovascular (huge reduction in risk of stroke and heart attack) and other benefits.

"Weight cycling is also not demonstrably bad for the body. It's better to try to lose weight and cycle through the same stone losing and gaining than not to try to lose weight and gain subsequent stones without losing any weight in between."

Can you show me a reputable scientific study that shows this?

He dated her when she was plus sized

She has had a baby 6 months ago and has gained two(?) sizes

NRTFT but has she even talked to her GP about this?

She may qualify for ozempic through oviva for normal prescription pricing as a tier 3 weight loss management route.

I have done this, it didn't work for me, and I ended up paying privately for mounjaro as well which worked but very slowly, but having gone down that pathway has opened up access to the bariatric pathway really easily. It was basically 1 phone call where they asked me what I want to do, and I said is surgery an option and they said yep, do 6 months of weigh ins and dietary advice and we will get you on the waiting list.

I weigh a lot less than your wife too! I am only a size 18-20.

The only worry I would have is that she wouldn't engage with the bariatric teams dietary advice in order to be elected for surgery. I was worried I wouldn't given past NHS dietary advice has been a bit condescending, and not really helped, but the bariateic team are fantastic.

Theres no onslaught. I’ve read a couple of harsher comments and the rest are offering thoughts and advice. He is concerned about his wife who is carrying a significant amount of extra weight and is unfit. Assuming what he’s shared is accurate, this is a worrying health issue and he is concerned about her.

I agree that women should be able to relax and recover on maternity leave; that doesn’t and shouldn’t preclude also keeping active and eating relatively healthily wherever possible.

Sharing facts like these is not, in itself, shaming. It’s an anonymous forum so is not the same as him discussing it with a group of friends who know them. He’s seeking advice and this advice may actually broaden his view so that he doesn’t just see it as an issue of motivation but can consider discussing possible mental health and wellbeing support with his wife, as well as getting a greater understanding of the potential complexities of weight loss depending on the amount needing to be lost and genes etc.

Oh well I've said all I can really say, i disagree with your perspective on the op, and you disagree with mine

Isn’t he doing enough ? What does that mum do if he steps up even more ?

That's great if alternatives work for you. It doesn't for everyone as, like another poster said, chronic obesity is a disease and there are metabolic issues at play.

Here’s what a Google of ‘does Mounjaro create a healthier mindset once off it’ brings up:

‘Mounjaro does not automatically create a healthier mindset once you stop taking it. Because the medication works by chemically suppressing appetite and altering digestion, coming off it causes physical hunger and cravings to return. Sustaining a healthy mindset depends entirely on the lifestyle and behavioural habits built while on the medication.’

So I think it’s fair enough that the OP is sceptical about it creating a healthier mindset. People tend to put a lot of the weight back on if they stop.