Wife is sad about being overweight but doesn't make any effort to change

[T92]

I am 34 (male) and have been married to my wife (32) for 3 years, together for 12. We have one child who is 6 months.

My wife has always been on the larger size. She was a size 16/18 when I met her. I found her incredibly attractive and for the first couple of years her weight wasn't an issue for either of us.

She has fluctuated up and down over the years but has steadily been gaining weight for the past few years. She is currently a size 22.

She constantly moans about her weight now and has done for years. She went to the gym before our wedding but lasted 3 weeks, she regularly does Slimming World or calorie counting but gives up after a couple of weeks. I fully support these endeavours and cook healthy, offer to go for walks with her or take the baby whilst she goes alone etc but she does very little, if any, exercise apart from walking around the supermarket. Our diet isn't outrageous but she snacks a lot and is constantly talking about food. She keeps saying she will 'start on Monday' but never does. She keeps saying that she's just had a baby which I understand but I am the one that takes him for long walks in his pram after I finish work. She has taken him once.

She is constantly asking me if I still love her and fancy her. I do and to be honest, our sex life is as good as it has ever been but there is no getting away from the fact that she is obese and unhealthy.

She came downstairs recently and said that she wanted to run a half marathon next year. I was a little sceptical having run one myself recently and told her that it was a serious undertaking for a non-runner. She got upset and said I didn't believe in her and I should be supportive. I was honest with her and said that she never sees things through. I explained her constant moaning about her weight and lifestyle is hard to listen to when she makes no effort to change.

I came downstairs the next day and apologised and said (truthfully) if she put her mind to it, she could run a half marathon and I will support her but she has to take the training seriously... that was a month ago and she has been for a couple of walks and complained about a sore back and hadn't mentioned it since, kind of proving my point.

I love my wife dearly but her lifestyle and inaction are causing me concern. I genuinely think she wants to change but feels trapped and that she has too much to do. She is a fantastic Mum but I am hands on too, I do all the housework and I will take the little man out for hours at a time on my own and she will generally spend that time sat on the sofa doomscrolling. I get she needs a break but then she complains she is unproductive and the cycle continues.

I'm appealing to the women of Mumsnet, how can I support her?

OP, you mention that you’ve supported her through difficult times. Could these times have had a lasting effect on her? Could she still be struggling psychologically? Sometimes a kernel of pain remains and it eats away at you. If so, maybe some counselling could help? That is, help her deal with past upsets. This will hopefully make her stronger to deal with snacking and weight.

She is very much project focused and always has been. For example, she was brilliant when we were looking for a house and a new car. She has designed a beautifully decorated home that I executed. She always finds us brilliant holidays and has to have one to look forward to... but these all have immediate and short term payouts. Anything 'boring' or long term, she struggles to buy into

So how about Slimming World, where you have a short term target of a week? My mum did well at SW and a friend lost 5 stone.

Also, maybe talk about healthy eating for the whole family and setting a good example as your baby grows older. Don’t focus on weight, focus on healthy eating, maybe with some kind of short-term challenge like eating 30 plants a week, eating salad with lunch every day and two veg with evening meal, etc, etc. Veg is fantastic for health but also filling and energising.

Does she have a Fitbit or similar? Set a steps target and celebrate with a non-food treat at the end of the week/month. I did this when I gave up alcohol for two months. I rewarded myself with non-food things at various points, eg after 1 week, after a month, etc.

Also, maybe she’s put off by talk of the gym and marathons. I’m an active person but I hate both of those and if someone encouraged me to do them, I’d probably just stay at home. Try to focus on building exercise into the day and keeping active.

Finally, is she bored at home and thus eating to relieve the boredom and because she’s not busy? If so, could you help her have a daily and weekly routine so she’s not sat there scrolling on her phone and snacking on crap? Something simple with set meal times and times to go out with baby, either for a walk or to a class or whatever.

I agree. Nothing in his OP screams supportive. The only “underlying issue” she needs to fix is her husband being a twat.

WLI are a really good shout if she is struggling to exercise because of the weight she is carrying, the dropping some KGs is really useful. It made such a difference to my activity levels and may be the kick start she needs. Of course he’s not going to pay for that though.

No one? Really? Because the long term health implications are largely the reason people will give when they are fat shaming others.

What's so difficult about his situation?

So it's frustrating to listen to someone complain and do nothing about the problem, but if she's not ready to change her habits, she's not ready.

The rest of the relationship is apparently fine. He still loves and fancies her.

He just needs to back off. I'm sure he has frustrating traits too.

It sounds to me like there could be more to it than food. Like she could be feeling down for some reason.

You could try standing back from the whole thing. And when she starts to complain about her weight, don't reply much, slow down what you're doing and let her talk away. See what she comes out with herself. It could tell you your answer

I can understand the comment but I wouldn't jump to that. He is doing a lot to support, from what he's said, so I can't believe people are calling him despicable and saying he isn't supporting her.
But I think he needs to just have a honest conversation and seems scared of upsetting her. He hasn't said she's depressed but may have executive function issues.

Well not if he's on edge about upsetting her, and her obviously unhappy about herself and her weight. That's a difficult situation to want to support but not know how. He is doing a lot to support as it is from what he's said.

A great way to start running is the nhs couch to 5k app. I never had myself as a runner but after meeting 2 unfit people who completed it I thought I’d give it a try. It’s great and makes the target manageable. I still run regularly. My husband did it and he has run half marathons.

Yeah so on edge he shoots her down when she does show an interest in doing something about it 🙄with his "realism".

It's one of those things that has to come from her, and if he's getting annoyed, he needs to disengage from it a bit instead.

All these ideas about how to lose the weight etc people are suggesting are pointless, as he can't do it for her.

Has there ever been any suggestion of post natal depression, if not I would gently suggest she talks to her Gp about it, or if she's already taking antidepressants that could be a cause of weight gain and she may need a change. I also think counselling would help her to explore why she can't sustain lifestyle changes, and to look at ideas to support changes

You cannot persuade someone to lose weight. They have to want to.
A person does need knowledge of what and what not to eat. And given the appalling guidance that has been offered out in such an authoritative way over recent decades ask ten people and you are likely to get ten different answers as to what a healthy diet consists of.
In the past it was ‘fill up on carbs’. Then low fat was a thing. Then carbs were the enemy. Then butter is bad. Butter is good. Seed oils are bad. And so it goes on. Red wine is bad, red wine is good.
Alcohol is like liquid cake.
I would join her in a diet if you can. So much easier if you do something together.
Going low carb is hard to sustain for any length of time.
Eating protein fills you up.
Volume and quantity matter too. We have become used to the idea more is better somehow. When it really isn’t.
Ask her what changes she would like to make and take it from there.

You sound incredibly supportive, OP, and you’re doing all the right things. It’s concerning that she doesn’t want take the baby out - might she be depressed? This could be at the root of it.

Ive only read your comments so not sure if others have suggested your wife has ADHD
I would encourage her to see a Dr and ask for a referal through right to choose.

Not to mention starting something and quitting at the first perceived failure.

No, just whatever the man does he is shaming his wife. Its okay for women to come on mumsnet so I don't know how he's shaming his wife for being concerned that she isn't doing anything about her own body issues. And he is supportive with the child and housework. If this was a woman, I guess you would say the opposite.

Would she be up for doing a local parkrun? You can walk the distance if you like and even bring baby in the pram. It’s very supportive and she could maybe start with walking then try running short distances at a later date. A 5k walk is good exercise whatever and it might become a weekly habit, as it is for many of us.

OP, you are in a really difficult position here. I am not sure you are the right person to be her journey to fitness buddy as you are the person who needs to find her attractive now and make it clear you appreciate her as she is rather than this being dependent on who she could become minus some weight. I think in terms of practical support, don't eat junk food with her and keep reiterating that you are available for child care/will accompany her on walks etc. Is there someone else in her social circle who might be in the same position and take the role of exercise buddy?

I would try to encourage you all to move more as a family: a ten minute walk after dinner regularly would add up. Also she can walk Parkrun with baby in a sling, lots of people do. Might any of her friends with a baby fancy doing that with her? My DH and I both run and made sure we both had the chance to get out for runs three times a week each as I think it makes you happier, which makes everything easier. You shouldn't feel guilty about getting out to run yourself.

Running after pregnancy, especially if you have never run before, should be approached with care. Couch to 5k sounds excellent. Personally I would not recommend your first half marathon straight after pregnancy: your ligaments stretch and it might just be too much load too soon. You can get really fit from running 5k.

Someone I know who should have known better due to the nature of her job insisted on doing a marathon the year after having a baby and did her cruciate ligament. She was fairly fit pre pregnancy but not a distance runner. She hasn't run since.

Would she go to an exercise with baby group? I did a few of these and it was sociable, childcare was not required and it definitely added a bit of extra movement to my week. One was outside in the park and another at a health club. I feel that any movement you do is worth doing.

Your DW probably won't lose lots of weight from exercise: reduction in food is what will do that, but in terms of health I feel getting a bit fitter will make her feel better and then the food side of things will be easier to tackle. Someone close to you wanting you to lose weight to change how you look can be offensive and hurtful, and feel like rejection. Someone supporting you to be more active so you can do all the things you want to do with your baby and look after your health because they love you might feel different.

You don’t think she needs to fix the fact that she’s becoming increasingly obese and damaging her health? How odd.

He's doing more to help her losing weight by acknowledging it than she is sitting on her backside moaning.

I cannot bear people who complain and do nothing about it. I stopped seeing my inlaws for a year because it was the same moans on every visit for 5 years. In the and I asked why they're here if all they contribute to the world is moaning

Sorry Op, I don't have advice but please don't take any nasty comments to heart....you sound like you're doing everything you can and a wonderful husband who is concerned for his wife's health. To me it would be more concerning if you didn't want to help her! There are some women on this forum who seem to refuse to believe that not all men are arseholes. You know you're not one of them so remember those comments are a reflection of the people saying them and their experiences, not you.
By any chance would there be any neurodivergence? You said she struggles to focus on anything longer term, would that suggest any attention span problems? That's probably a stretch, I've no idea. Best of luck Op

Make her healthy food eg big salads that are filling
encourage her to do couch to 5kg and get a running buggy so you can go jogging together
get up with the baby in the night and prioritize her sleep

Your wording is awful. She has a young baby. Ever thought shes "moaning" because she msy be feeling a little down and just wants to be heard!

You can hear an overweight person moaning as often as they ask you to, but it still changes nothing.

I know you said she has mentioned mounjaro and you don’t think it’ll fix the underlying issue.

I was your wife. Spent over 10 years on a diet and I was a size 22 at my heaviest. I was always starting Monday. Then I just went for it, started mounjaro, it gave me the confidence to go to the gym, my back has stopped aching, I’m confident, I look the best I ever have. I lost 8 stone in 11 months and have now maintained for 6 months.

if you can afford it give it a go. It’ll change both of your lives

Wow. If you’re all happy in a smaller space with less overheads and spare income then isn’t that the golden ticket? Ignore everyone else. Use the spare cash to improve your home as much as you can and then save for your child to perhaps go to uni, travel, buy a property, secure her life. And your pension. Also holidays / memories. Surely witnessing the cost of living crisis and horrendous mortgage rates and Aaron’s people are finding themselves in is enough to put anyone off. As I regularly remind my kids, don’t for a second think your mate living in an flat is poor, they may well have less space but they could well be the last ones laughing, mortgage free etc. or you go a step up and gain a little space but don’t over stretch, leaning you able to continue to save etc, you’re winning, enjoy it