Wife is sad about being overweight but doesn't make any effort to change

[T92]

I am 34 (male) and have been married to my wife (32) for 3 years, together for 12. We have one child who is 6 months.

My wife has always been on the larger size. She was a size 16/18 when I met her. I found her incredibly attractive and for the first couple of years her weight wasn't an issue for either of us.

She has fluctuated up and down over the years but has steadily been gaining weight for the past few years. She is currently a size 22.

She constantly moans about her weight now and has done for years. She went to the gym before our wedding but lasted 3 weeks, she regularly does Slimming World or calorie counting but gives up after a couple of weeks. I fully support these endeavours and cook healthy, offer to go for walks with her or take the baby whilst she goes alone etc but she does very little, if any, exercise apart from walking around the supermarket. Our diet isn't outrageous but she snacks a lot and is constantly talking about food. She keeps saying she will 'start on Monday' but never does. She keeps saying that she's just had a baby which I understand but I am the one that takes him for long walks in his pram after I finish work. She has taken him once.

She is constantly asking me if I still love her and fancy her. I do and to be honest, our sex life is as good as it has ever been but there is no getting away from the fact that she is obese and unhealthy.

She came downstairs recently and said that she wanted to run a half marathon next year. I was a little sceptical having run one myself recently and told her that it was a serious undertaking for a non-runner. She got upset and said I didn't believe in her and I should be supportive. I was honest with her and said that she never sees things through. I explained her constant moaning about her weight and lifestyle is hard to listen to when she makes no effort to change.

I came downstairs the next day and apologised and said (truthfully) if she put her mind to it, she could run a half marathon and I will support her but she has to take the training seriously... that was a month ago and she has been for a couple of walks and complained about a sore back and hadn't mentioned it since, kind of proving my point.

I love my wife dearly but her lifestyle and inaction are causing me concern. I genuinely think she wants to change but feels trapped and that she has too much to do. She is a fantastic Mum but I am hands on too, I do all the housework and I will take the little man out for hours at a time on my own and she will generally spend that time sat on the sofa doomscrolling. I get she needs a break but then she complains she is unproductive and the cycle continues.

I'm appealing to the women of Mumsnet, how can I support her?

No advice but you sound a lovely supportive husband and Daddy x

If she snacks sounds like she has food noise, you don’t know you have it until it has gone. Perhaps if you can afford it Mounjaro/wegovy may help and get her in the right head space. I have never felt full on so little food before in my life, I genuinely can feel uncomfortable full on Mounjaro. If she can get into a healthy eating mindset, prioritise protein, and fruit and veg, then the longer she instinctively goes to it, the more likely the habits will stay. Once her blood sugar is stable it becomes easier to keep to the good habits! Also, be aware the jabs are long term, not stop when you get to your goal weight, though some people do.

And as unhappy as she is, her man is there complaining about her not exercising enough on the internet

It is a moan, he’s not remotely supportive. If he was he’d at least have taken the time to educate himself on weight loss injections. He didn’t. He made a stupid remark which shows he knows nothing about them and put her off.

thid man isn’t supportive.

@T92 maybe when she goes back to work from mat leave she can buy herself some mounjaro

She doesnt sound unhappy, just insecure about her weight

The op said she seems happier since having their third child

Tried that in the past. I run regularly (before baby). At the minute, I only do Parkrun on a Saturday. I got her to come along a few weeks ago as I thought it would be a good way into her running training as lots of slower runners/walkers.

I said we could take it in turns so one of us looks after baby, or I'd get a running pram. She hasn't been back with me since.

She is very much project focused and always has been. For example, she was brilliant when we were looking for a house and a new car. She has designed a beautifully decorated home that I executed. She always finds us brilliant holidays and has to have one to look forward to... but these all have immediate and short term payouts. Anything 'boring' or long term, she struggles to buy into

No, not mumsnet's demographic. There are women here (and even some men) of every age and stage of life, including people who have never had children. You will get massively different views.

Even women in your wife's exact position aren't going to think the same as her because we're all different.

You should focus not on what she can do but what you can do because that is the only thing within your control. All you can do really is continue to support her, stop saying anything negative to her and make sure she has time to focus on herself away from you and the baby.

Anything else is up to her.

Wow, this is about as ignoranta comment as I Could imagine

I can’t fathom how you would say that somebody is saying they can’t afford weight loss drugs whilst she’s on maternity is being unsupportive. Do you even have a clue how much they cost? Do you have a clue how tight peoples budgets are? Do you honestly think that most people in the country can afford an extra £200 a month if they Just had supportive enough Partners?

Christ are alive. How about looking into the real world?

I said we could take it in turns so one of us looks after baby, or I'd get a running pram.

Excellent, do that anyway, whether she comes with you not, as it could free up some time for her to do something that she enjoys.

She has to be happy OP, if you don't let her be happy then she can't change.

tbh as frustrating as it may be for you, she’s not going to change whatever you say or do, until she is ready to do it herself.
Stay quietly supportive. when she’s moaning, point out it’s hard to hear but you’ll be supportive whatever she decides then try to change the subject. She’s just venting and hopefully she’ll get to the mind set herself sooner rather than later. No pressure from you will help.

Well honestly, yeah.

We don't have the money to spare and I've read some horror stories about it.

I'd rather she lead a healthier lifestyle rather than rush to lose weight on jabs but if she wanted to then I have no right to stand in her way.

And the OP is doing all the housework and taking the baby for walks when he’s home from work. I’m not sure exactly how much more you’re expecting him to do to allow her to rest

If she wants to try Mounjaro, and it’s affordable for you as a family, try it.

The biggest myth about Mounjaro is that it magically makes you lose weight.

It doesn’t. It works by slowing down the rate at which you digest food, and deadening your appetite a bit. She will not lose weight on it unless she changes what she eats. She will have to count calories, eat mindfully, eat sensibly, and take more exercise (although that will only have a minimal effect). In other words she will have to change her lifestyle.

Mounjaro will make this a bit easier and give her a little bit of a helping hand. You sound a bit judgy about it to be honest.

He didn’t just say he couldn’t afford them did he, at least post the truth before you attack, it makes you look silly.

he said this. “ I told her I don't think it will fix the underlying issues or create a healthier lifestyle/mindset but if she wants to do it, then crack on.” before explaining she was on maternity so she can’t afford them.

Well quit doing the housework then. Do what actually helps.

Despicable? Don’t be ridiculous. She’s already unhappy about her weight, so why suggest a high calorie treat? Now, that’s despicable.

I'm sure the OP has a thousand things that need money spending on them with a reduced combined household income .

And how would going to a group of men be better?

Also, he's right about the half marathon. It's the exercise equivalent of a faddy diet. She needs to start slowly, not jump on any fad.

He's asking for advice. And, from reading the OP, she seems like hard work at the moment. I wouldn't begrudge someone having a little moan on an anonymous forum.

OP, maybe you should invite her on the walks you take with your DC. It's not going to make much a difference to weight but it's a start in being more consistently active and will be good for her mental health. Just say you'd enjoy the company. You could have nice conversation and she might just enjoy it as it's more social than just being exercise. It's always nicer to parent together, so I'm sure your DC can enjoy it too and you can all have a pleasant time.

I agree that Mounjaro perhaps wouldn't be the best solution with her apparant mindset. From what other posters have said on here, it's not quite the magic wand some believe it to be. You have to work hard to keep the weight off, or it all goes piling back on.

At what point did the op say he’d pay for them. He didn’t. He said she was in maternity, and then posted an erroneous statement about not helping to create a healthy mindset. If you think his comment was supportive you need to raise your bar.

6 months is very soon after a baby, most women who are not celebs with personal trainers and chefs will still be carrying some baby weight at this point. That being said, you sound (mostly) supportive, so how about suggesting more achievable goals like couch to 5k, and doing it together. Take the baby in the pram, lots of folk walk it at the ones by me. Are there any buggy-fit classes by you? Anything she can do with the baby, or all 3 of you? If she talks constantly about food (food noise is a common report among people who struggle with their weight), perhaps she would be a good candidate for the GLP's, IF she wants to try it, is suitable (healthwise) and you can afford it. The NHS won't fund it unless she has co-morbidities, and I don't understand all the puritanical nonsense about doing it naturally. Yes, obviously natural is better, but realistically, some people, for lots of varying reasons, just can't manage it. We now have a effective method for them to try. I'm lucky in my weight is OK, but I would definitely try the drugs if I struggled and to hell with what other people think. They don't have to live in your wife's head.

Why would you say that to her? WLI are one of the easiest and most effective ways of losing weight. They will almost definitely help her significantly. Be encouraging! If she could 'fix the underlying issues' she would have done it by now. By the way exercise is pretty much irrelevant to weight loss.

You're quite rude and I don't know why this bothered me so much or why I'm arguing on the Internet but I have supported my wife through unimaginable pain in our 12 years together that would have ended many relationships. I take on all the housework, all the life admin, and all the unseen stuff she probably doesn't even realise and do as much as I can with our son and I do it with a smile because I love her and she deserves the world.

There is a level of love and respect there that I am able to be honest with her, as I have been about her complaints and in our discussion about weight loss.

The purpose of my post was to try and get some perspective from other women about how best to support my wife or find out what made things 'click' for them so that I can help her.

Not always that easy......if it was, there wouldn't be a HUGE weight loss industry. Of course, there are things you can do to help yourself, but at the end of the day, some people just feel hungier than others. That's a fact. Sadly. Frustratingly.