Wife is sad about being overweight but doesn't make any effort to change

[T92]

I am 34 (male) and have been married to my wife (32) for 3 years, together for 12. We have one child who is 6 months.

My wife has always been on the larger size. She was a size 16/18 when I met her. I found her incredibly attractive and for the first couple of years her weight wasn't an issue for either of us.

She has fluctuated up and down over the years but has steadily been gaining weight for the past few years. She is currently a size 22.

She constantly moans about her weight now and has done for years. She went to the gym before our wedding but lasted 3 weeks, she regularly does Slimming World or calorie counting but gives up after a couple of weeks. I fully support these endeavours and cook healthy, offer to go for walks with her or take the baby whilst she goes alone etc but she does very little, if any, exercise apart from walking around the supermarket. Our diet isn't outrageous but she snacks a lot and is constantly talking about food. She keeps saying she will 'start on Monday' but never does. She keeps saying that she's just had a baby which I understand but I am the one that takes him for long walks in his pram after I finish work. She has taken him once.

She is constantly asking me if I still love her and fancy her. I do and to be honest, our sex life is as good as it has ever been but there is no getting away from the fact that she is obese and unhealthy.

She came downstairs recently and said that she wanted to run a half marathon next year. I was a little sceptical having run one myself recently and told her that it was a serious undertaking for a non-runner. She got upset and said I didn't believe in her and I should be supportive. I was honest with her and said that she never sees things through. I explained her constant moaning about her weight and lifestyle is hard to listen to when she makes no effort to change.

I came downstairs the next day and apologised and said (truthfully) if she put her mind to it, she could run a half marathon and I will support her but she has to take the training seriously... that was a month ago and she has been for a couple of walks and complained about a sore back and hadn't mentioned it since, kind of proving my point.

I love my wife dearly but her lifestyle and inaction are causing me concern. I genuinely think she wants to change but feels trapped and that she has too much to do. She is a fantastic Mum but I am hands on too, I do all the housework and I will take the little man out for hours at a time on my own and she will generally spend that time sat on the sofa doomscrolling. I get she needs a break but then she complains she is unproductive and the cycle continues.

I'm appealing to the women of Mumsnet, how can I support her?

You already seem to be supporting her.

She either needs to accept her body for how it is, or do something to change it.

But her just moaning about it isn't going to help anyone.

Can you afford Mounjaro or similar? Honestly if I was a size 22 and could afford it, and had no conflicting medical issues, I’d be on it like a shot.

Losing weight is something that looks like it should be easy but it really isn’t.

I would usually say, don’t suggest Mounjaro to her or even hint about it, she has to come to it herself. But she may be worried you would judge her for using weight loss drugs (lots of women hide it from their husbands) so perhaps a gentle sign that you’d be ok with it might help. Not a suggestion per se but just a comment signalling you think it’s an ok choice to make.

Who buys the food? Are you willing to have no snack foods in the house if that makes it easier for her?

Is she depressed? She is only 6 months post partum. She could have PND. It can take about 2 years for hormones etc to settle after a baby.

Is she breastfeeding?

You rather shot her down when she did show interest in doing a half-marathon. It's all very well apologising afterwards, but no wonder she lost motivation there. Try not to do that in future.

She has mentioned Mounjaro herself. I told her I don't think it will fix the underlying issues or create a healthier lifestyle/mindset but if she wants to do it, then crack on.

She is currently on maternity pay though, so not an option right now.

Quite the opposite.

She keeps telling me she feels more like her old self since having the baby. I can see she is much happier in general too apart from when she is complaining about the weight.

I agree about the marathon but was just going off past experiences of her quitting the gym and doing 1 week of Couch to 5k before quitting etc.

Be very careful op.

Weight issues have a high genetic component so she may well have more difficulties controlling her weight then you/slimmer people do. It's doesn't change the solution of course but (as it sounds like you are being) continue to be understanding please.

Is her family larger?

Also being overweight is hard. It could very well be that she is unmotivated and down because of the weight rather then the other way around.

Saying all this, sitting down with her to talk about it gently might be the only way.

Regardless of what you say, she will take it as criticism/beat herself up about it but it might be a conversation you need to have anyway.

I'm sure I don't need to say this but focus on her health and reiterate you are concerned about her mobility, being healthy for your child ect and that you love her and find her attractive but you know SHE is not happy. Focus on that.

Ask her what you can do to support her. Gently challenge her if she doesn't suggest anything new. It might upset her. It might be the kick she needs. Sometimes you need to be in the right head since to start.

Losing weight is hard. Gaining weight is depressing.

You could help her set up a timetable for some kind of exercise, walking is best really because it's free and you don't need any equipment. But carve out some regular set time for her, where you have the baby and she goes out. Ideally daily, even if it's just for half an hour but definitely for a whole hour at least 3 times a week.

Are you able to help facilitate that for her?

Weight loss starts in the mind and an unhappy mind cannot commit to big changes.

Of course someone is gonna to find it difficult to control their weight when they are lazy and not actively trying to do any form of exercise to help themselves.

Any man that goes to a group of other women to moan about his wife is despicable sorry - what are you expecting from this?

Are you gonna show her the responses, like 'here wife, look at what these women are saying about you'??!

Tell i said have a magnum and relax - she deserves to be happy

@T92 , do you eat much in the way of ultra processed foods? Chris Van Tulleken wrote an excellent book Ultra Processed People which is on offer for £7.00 at the moment on Amazon. The food industry makes these foods to be addictive.
See if you can go on a health kick together, don’t frame it as a weight loss diet. Concentrate on protein, fibre and good fats. Cut out all processed foods and sugar/sweetners, cook everything from scratch. Try to eat in such a way that you minimise insulin peaks (you’re going to have to read around this subject) and both go for a brisk ten minute walk after dinner.
Be warned the vast majority of people who lose weight on GLP-1 agonist drugs regain most of their weight if they stop taking them, I wouldn’t start taking them unless you can afford to continue indefinitely.
The Zoe podcasts are very informative in regard to nutrition.

@mumofoneAloneandwell , she isn’t happy though.

It's hard as nails to lose weight if you can't get a decent night's sleep. Could you do more/ all of the night shift with your baby?

She isn’t happy though, that’s why he’s here asking other women for advice on how to support her

You didn't answer whether she's breastfeeding or not.

The only person who can motivate her is herself.

I'd recommend you just listen and don't advise, and don't bring up past occasions where she didn't stick to her plans. She knows that already, she doesn't need reminding.

You sound very supportive and kind @T92

There are some sad posters on MN who can never believe anything positive about a man, so you will need to put your hard hat on.

You are, quite right that being size 22 is not healthy. I'm afraid I don't know how to help but I wanted to say how good it is to hear of someone who wants to.
Encouraging her to come out for a decent walk with you every day does sound like a good start.

Agree, and it can be a very vicious cycle and it’s very depressing to be in that situation. Some people are definitely more prone to weight gain than others and also “willpower” or food drive is far more difficult for some than others. 23andme does / did (?) randoms sort of scientific health stuff and it definitely believes that there are genetic makeups that predispose people to weight gain.

In order to support her, I think that it’s worth acknowledging that it’s massively more difficult for some than others. And reassure her that you fancy her as she is and want to help her to be happy. I think a good couple of rules to start with are:

-do not eat or drink anything (apart from water) after 7pm.
-drink a lot of water generally, including immediately as you get up.

Doomscrolling is also an easy trap to fall into.

you sound very nice, I’m sure that you’ll be able to get though this together.

I couldn't be doing with it tbh. Moaning takes no effort, that's why she's so keen on it - losing weight actually takes effort.

I think you're extremely patient and already supporting her, she needs to take responsibility for her issues or nothing will change no matter how much you support her. If she's going to snack all day then she's not going to lose weight.

I hope I don’t seem simplistic but could you exercise alongside her? Use the Couch to 5k app? Team “T92” collaborative workouts.

Could you organize child care regularly so you can join a gym, swim, walk together and so on? Are there local exercise classes for mothers & babies? Most towns have something like this. Do some research.

Does she eat high calorie sweet treats; chocolate, biscuits, cake, highly processed foods? Stop buying that stuff!! Don’t bring it into the house in the first place & then the temptation is gone. It’s empty calories our bodies don’t need.

What about buying 2nd hand bikes with a baby trailer thingy attached at the rear so you could cycle together?

I expect she feels isolated and lonesome exercising alone .. team work might make the dream work?

Bless her, it’s a huge struggle but sadly many of us dig our own grave with our teeth.

I thought I might get some lived experience and advice from women that are her age and currently at the same stage of life which is Mumsnet entire demographic?

No, she expressed for as long as possible but baby has been formula fed since 3 months.

at that size going out for a walk will make little difference. She needs to consume less calories, but you can’t make that happen. Ideally she should see the GP or practice nurse for advice on how best to go about it. I agree about UPFs as mentioned by pp, they are responsible for a lot of the obesity in our society. Ultimately she has to want to change and put in the hard work.

So not really supportive then. Supportive if it doesn’t cost you money. And you want her to continue to struggle? As you know she can’t fo it alone.

Well, my 'lived experience' is that weight is reluctant to shift if you are tired most days. And it's like trying to shovel snow in a storm attempting to start a diet or exercise without good sleep.

Odd response. I didn't read it as a moan. Just a bloke asking for advice as his wife is unhappy and moaning if you like, about her weight

Does she have ADHD? Maybe undiagnosed? One of the possible symptoms is disordered eating/impulse around food etc.