Advice on ex-husband asking me back then dumping me

[Naya205]

Hi everyone I’d really appreciate some advice. I’m a divorced mum of 2 & my ex husband has been begging me back for a while promising he’s changed. I decided to give him a chance & we were trying to make it work in a long distance relationship.
We were planning to live together soon but I wanted to see if he could be trusted & had really changed. Then suddenly at Christmas he dumped me & said he wanted to be alone. Two months later he begged me back only to do the same thing & dump me now after 4 months back together.

He swears he’s not dating anyone else he’s just stressed with work but every time we argue he says he has women chasing him & if I leave him he will move on & send me pictures. I had enough disrespect so dumped him finally last Thursday. He has sent a text apologizing and called a few times but I’m ignoring them. He says he loves me yet the next minute he shouts at me & dumps me. I am going no contact because I can’t do this anymore but I’m totally heartbroken & confused. Does anyone have any experience of a similar situation or any idea on why he’s behaving like this? Any opinions would help thank you so much

Update: The texts he sent me 2 days ago (begging for me back & saying he loved me) he has now deleted. Obviously I didn’t respond to the texts or his call last night. But does anyone have any idea as to why he deleted his texts to me? Thanks

I say this kindly, you will never understand why anyone does anything - you can't see into his brain. My ex treated me similar. I broke the cycle. I got to the point of done. Just done.

You mention forgiveness - that can mean different things - you can forgive him for being a twat, over and over again, but when that forgiveness becomes his expectation of you, then that no longer serves you leading a peaceful life.

You do not need to forgive blindly. It took me a long time to realise this.

I promise you, he will not change. Not today, not tomorrow or the day after that. He has shown you repeatedly that what he thinks is love, isn't how you want to be shown love. Let the hope die - for the 'right' love from him to come. It isn't going to.

I know its a cliques, but love yourself more. You deserve to be loved, in a way that lifts you up, not how this love makes you feel.

He will have deleted then because you did not reply.
He will be angry at you.
So he didn’t mean what he said in those texts he sent them to manipulate you.
And deleted them to upset you.
Stop driving yourself mad with this stuff you are going to make yourself ill lovely.

Stop even thinking about this man, his motivations or mindset.

He’s a nasty piece of work. He keeps harming you and you owe it to yourself to keep away from him.

He called my daughter today & said that he wants to block me & doesn’t want me anymore. Apparently he has bigger problems than me (his debt) & he thinks I’m playing games by the no contact. I’m back in a very bad place as yet again he is playing me even whilst I’m in no contact. Why text begging me back & last night & say today he doesn’t want me. It’s ridiculous

He is an attention seeking creep who would like you to carry all his problems for him. Without you, he has to manage himself. He does not want to hence any effort to get you engaged to do this. He shouldn’t involve your children; protect them from it

No he’s not playing you. You are enabling him. This is on you now.

You are now allowing this man to manipulate your daughter and it’s sick. You may be upset but the damage he is doing to her is immense.
Do you want her to go into adulthood thinking this is how a man should treat her? Because she will. Unless something changes, she will head for the nearest abuser.
You have already had a damaging relationship with your own father.
If this continues, you are allowing it.
I am being harsh but it seems you are just spiralling and for what? It is ridiculous all of it.
He doesn’t love you.
He only cares about himself.
He doesn’t care much for his daughter because she’s the one bearing the brunt of all of this shit.
Do you want that for her?
It is time for him to grow up but he won’t.
But you can. It’s your choice now.
Stay in it and your daughter’s future is even more damaged.
MN is littered with posters who were used as go-betweens and it’s horrendous.
Put your daughter first and stop working him out. He’s a dick, and a twisted one at that.

I’m not allowing him to manipulate her but it’s in our divorce agreement that he must be allowed to speak to his daughters on the phone. If I prevented that he would become abusive. It’s actually the opposite she has seen exactly what not to accept in terms of treatment from men so I’m sure she will make the correct choice in the future.

I’ve been in no contact for over a week now so I’m not trying to enable him. Not sure what else I could do to make it clear to him that it’s over.

Thanks yes I agree. My daughter told him not to mention me anymore so he can only speak to them normally from now on or I won’t be allowing them to answer his calls.

There is a huge difference between a dad/daughter phone call and which is vital for contact, and a grown man crying down the phone and going backwards and forwards.
Sadly, your daughter is soaking it all in.
If your daughter has agreed not to discuss you and sticks to it then job done. That is brilliant.
But you have tied yourself in knots over why is he doing this/that/the other. That was my point. You need to deal with that now.
I stand with everything else I’ve said as you sound like a lonely woman and to be quite frank, you deserve far, far, far better than this.
You have already overcome an awful lot, you have got a divorce from this abuser.
You deserve someone who loves you and shows that in every action.
What you need is your own life, your own friends and sense of self. It’s about discovering who you are. You aren’t just a daughter or an ex wife. You are a mum but you are also you.
I do apologise if I was harsh but it’s really hard to see someone on here start to pick up and slide back into such sadness because of some dim-witted arsehole.
I hope you can accept my apology and know that there is a whole life out there waiting for you.

If you prevented the phone calls he would become abusive!

How? When he is abroad?

You have been dancing to his tune so long that you cant see the power you are giving him.