Advice on ex-husband asking me back then dumping me

[Naya205]

Hi everyone I’d really appreciate some advice. I’m a divorced mum of 2 & my ex husband has been begging me back for a while promising he’s changed. I decided to give him a chance & we were trying to make it work in a long distance relationship.
We were planning to live together soon but I wanted to see if he could be trusted & had really changed. Then suddenly at Christmas he dumped me & said he wanted to be alone. Two months later he begged me back only to do the same thing & dump me now after 4 months back together.

He swears he’s not dating anyone else he’s just stressed with work but every time we argue he says he has women chasing him & if I leave him he will move on & send me pictures. I had enough disrespect so dumped him finally last Thursday. He has sent a text apologizing and called a few times but I’m ignoring them. He says he loves me yet the next minute he shouts at me & dumps me. I am going no contact because I can’t do this anymore but I’m totally heartbroken & confused. Does anyone have any experience of a similar situation or any idea on why he’s behaving like this? Any opinions would help thank you so much

You can't help but have those feelings, they are natural. So my only advice really is to stop beating yourself up about having them. You're only human. Be kind to yourself - like you would be kind to a friend who admitted having those negative thoughts re an ex moving on and appearing to be happy.

I say "appearing" because he won't have changed. He will still be someone who thrives off drama and conflict so he will soon poison any new relationship too, even if he presents an outwards picture of being happy.

Therapy is free on the NHS lovely :) or the domestic abuse charities often have counselling you can access:) Google 'talking therapies nhs' and your area and how to self refer will come up :) its often a wait but they usually have some online resources and stuff to use in the mean time.

The pangs of pain about him are going to come up for a long time to come. I usually try the Russian harris stuff with things like thar which is saying "thank you brain...' so if try to think or say 'thanks brain for that story that his life is going so perfectly' knowing that people only show the highlight reel. He slind like a narc, hes not going to be capable of real love and connection. Where as you have that real chance in the future :)

Thanks a lot. It’s just frustrating that he can get over me so easily when he was the only who treated me terribly, yet I can’t stop thinking about it. So annoying.

Thank you so much you’re great x

He sounds like he has narcissistic tendencies. That type of person always seems to easily move on because they are shallow and faking emotions half the time.

You need to set boundaries op
i bet he just picks and chooses when he sees the kids does he? Whilst not paying a penny in support.
basically he doesn’t want you but he doesn’t want anyone else to have you either which is why he keeps up with these games .

Yes he’s definitely a narcissist

Forget him, do not have him back. Instead work on your self esteem and friendship circle. Start by going to your GP and getting help (counselling or medication if needed) and workout a plan of action through online research and talking to your health visitor - ask on your local Facebook, look at what groups and activities run locally.

Also exercise and daylight. Put the kids in a buggy or on a scooter and get your 10k steps in. Visit your local play parks, spend time in the sunshine. Both vital to happiness.

Thanks I’ll do that x

Have a look on YouTube for therapy, there's a lot of good therapists that have channels that provide help and support, good luck

At best he doesn’t know what he wants

but all that’s irrelevant quite simply it’s not for you move on

I have a friend who recently went through the blackmail thing - the ex in question was threatening to tell her family something that would have devastated my friend and her family.
He said, and I quote, I’ve realised as hard as I try I can’t ruin you, so I’ll ruin your family instead.
It was absolutely horrendous.
She is now back in touch with him and they are just being friends. They are in their 60’s and this has been going on for years.
Don’t let this be you. I look at my friend, her health is ruined, I doubt she will live past 65.
You have been abused by this man and your father hasn’t been much better.
But through your words it’s apparent you know much better. You are breaking the chain by bringing up your girls wonderfully.
The threat of him moving on may seem awful but he’d be doing you a favour.
You know in your heart that if he does meet someone he might put on a show for a while but he will soon be abusing the next one.
You have escaped.
It is like an addiction being in this position even though the drug is bad for you.
The only thing that works is cold turkey, I’m afraid. I know from other threads on here there are ways of managing contact.
I can promise you if you keep up the grey rocking, one day you will wake up and feel better.
If you let him back in he will keep ruining your life and you don’t want that for your daughters.

He doesn’t love you sadly. Actions speak louder than words. You will be able to manage alone with the kids (you can lower standards at home to not put too much pressure on yourself). Claim CMS.

Thank you so much for the great advice x

I took my ex back after we had separated for 3 months. He then dumped me for the other woman (again). I got angry, but at him, not me. I stopped enabling his relationship with his children. My ds cut him out of his life at 14 and never regretted it. My dd has a relationship of sorts with him but on her terms, not his. I only communicated with him through the lawyers after he became abusive by phone. I wore a facade of coldness when dealing with his nonsense and he didn't like that one bit. Eventually the grief of the loss of your relationship will dissipate but allow yourself to feel sadness and anger just now. Do what you can to move forward for yourself. When you get stuck wondering why he's behaving like this, do something active. I painted a house, got stuck into gardening and focused on being mum. Good luck to you

Thanks for sharing, well done to you fingers crossed I’m planning to do the same x

Blimey he sounds so immature and disrespectful. Stay strong, being a single parent gets easier, being with him wouldn't.

He’s only ruined your life if you let him ruin your life! I have got some advice when he moves on. Just think what an utter relief it will be when some other poor woman warrants your sympathy and you’ve managed to break free!!!!

He’s just told my daughter (she’s 13) on the phone today that he loves me & has no one else & just wants to remarry & for us to be a family again. Yet he’s not contacted me today yet he told my daughter he plans to text me for the last time today as I haven’t responded all week.She asked him if that means he plans to leave me alone for good after that & he said no but doesn’t plan to make more effort than this. Apparently he thinks I don’t love him. It’s clear he’s totally insane & he’s in for a shock if he thinks he’ll ever hear from me again lol

In other words he has now sunk to trying to manipulate you via your daughter. Probably was trying to get her feeling sorry for him.

Next time he asks you to get back together tell him you’ll think about it once he is consistently paying for and spending time with his kids.

Then when he’s doing that, don’t get back with him!!!

Been through similar but lost my trust in him so ended the relationship for my own sanity. I too, unreasonably, was concerned how I would be affected if he met someone else and couldn't understand why I felt like that as I didn't want him. I knew he would be lovely with a new person at first. I also knew that he would be the same controlling person he had been with me too, eventually. He won't change OP.

He's used you, manipulated you and disrespected you. Don't let him have this power over you anymore. Take away his power, replace it with your stronger power. You're not alone, you have 2 daughters.

I would be absolutely fucking livid at him for that. That is totally out of order.

Yes, it is manipulatory tactic used by narcissistic men to get their hit and validation. Block and move on. It took me 2 years to recover after a year long relationship where this was done to me repeatedly… alongside everything being my fault, gaslighting, comparing me to other women and putting me down, implying I am lucky to have him etc

Good idea that will never happen though lol