Advice on ex-husband asking me back then dumping me

[Naya205]

Hi everyone I’d really appreciate some advice. I’m a divorced mum of 2 & my ex husband has been begging me back for a while promising he’s changed. I decided to give him a chance & we were trying to make it work in a long distance relationship.
We were planning to live together soon but I wanted to see if he could be trusted & had really changed. Then suddenly at Christmas he dumped me & said he wanted to be alone. Two months later he begged me back only to do the same thing & dump me now after 4 months back together.

He swears he’s not dating anyone else he’s just stressed with work but every time we argue he says he has women chasing him & if I leave him he will move on & send me pictures. I had enough disrespect so dumped him finally last Thursday. He has sent a text apologizing and called a few times but I’m ignoring them. He says he loves me yet the next minute he shouts at me & dumps me. I am going no contact because I can’t do this anymore but I’m totally heartbroken & confused. Does anyone have any experience of a similar situation or any idea on why he’s behaving like this? Any opinions would help thank you so much

Thanks a lot, totally agree

If he’s the sort of man who doesn’t see or support his kids, he’s not the sort of man who you want to date!

He wants to see the kids but he’s currently working abroad. He was a terrible husband but a hands on father so I’ll credit him with that lol. He’s not supporting them financially at the moment as he’s in a lot of debt but obviously he should be

You need to be careful about this perception of him “hes totally insane”. He isn’t, he’s figured out what works on you and he’s doing it. It’s calculated, it’s manipulative, but he can only manipulate you if you let him. This is the equivalent of a toddler who’s parent gives him chocolate to stop a tantrum, he learns that if he wants chocolate he just has to scream and shout a bit.

He has learnt that if he sends you a load of texts you’ll eventually reply and if you reply he can hook you back in, if he drags your kids into it that you’ll reply to get him to stop and then he can hook you back in, if he threatens to stop you’ll lose your nerve and reply and then he can hook you back in.

Tbh it doesn’t matter why anyone does anything.

The only thing that matters is whether the other person is ok with it. You aren’t so you are moving on.

what’s your plan to keep busy and get out occasionally? Could your M babysit?

He's not going to move on to a new and happy relationship with someone else. Because he will abuse her too, so I can guarantee that she will become as much of a victim as you are.

Yes I’m just trying to keep busy, mostly been taking the kids out a lot. It’s hard though

Thanks I agree. He can’t change.

Last night he sent me a really long text after begging my daughter to convince me to answer his call (I didn’t obviously). My daughter said he was crying. He texted me saying how much he loves me, can’t live without me & the girls. All he wants is for us to be back together as a family & the reason he’s been so rude & depressed is he’s living away from us (in another country). He’s also in debt so he says he’s been in a lot of stress about that & is taking it out on everyone.

As usual he almost made me feel sorry for him. I don’t mean to take him back but I’m debating answering his next call & explaining that I can’t do this anymore as I’m not happy. I’m not sure if there’s a point but for some crazy reason I think I still love him. The problem is when we’re together he’s totally different & we have a great relationship when we’re living together. I don’t know whether to believe him that he’s lashing out due to the divorce & living abroad. Also when I filed divorce I wasn’t ready to do so it was from extreme family pressure to do so as they were against my marriage from the start. I’m incredibly confused to be honest.

God, they always snivel and cry when they want to reel you back in.

My ex did this after he attacked me. My poor dcs were subject to this pathetic show of fake contrition.

Yes it’s so hard to work out if he’s putting on an act or he’s genuinely sorry

If you go back, you will get more of the same.
The crying, the lashing out, the debt.
He wants you back because he wants security and help paying his debt.
You divorced him with good reason and not just because of your family.
I know it’s hard but he is not the answer to your loneliness.
You are.

You feel like you love him @Naya205 but the way he treats you I would seriously question whether it's more a case of trauma bonding.

From Psychology Today:

A trauma bond in a relationship involves a foundation of abuse, which may hinge on tactics such as threats of harm, manipulation, control, shaming, gaslighting, and sabotage, mixed with intermittent moments of calm and displays of affection.

This pattern of highs and lows increases a victim’s unhealthy attachment to the abuser, which helps maintain the relationship.

What are the signs of trauma bonding?

• You realize you don't like the person. For example, you may feel angry toward them but know it's unsafe to express your feelings. You may have physical reactions when near the person or when they touch you.
• Your relationship is built around guilt and shame. Abusive people leverage fear, obligation, and guilt. If you speak up for your needs, you are told you are selfish and demanding.
• You're not sure you'd leave if the abuse increased. The longer you’re with an abusive person, the more abusive behaviour is normalized.
• You are love-bombed and then devalued. There may be an extreme push-pull cycle. You go from being someone who can "do no wrong" to someone who can "do no right."
• You are hypervigilant. You have the feeling of “walking on eggshells.”

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/trauma-bonding#:~:text=Heal%20From%20Abuse-,What%20Is%20Trauma%20Bonding%3F,calm%20and%20displays%20of%20affection.

London has accessible help for women. You just need to find a way to access it.
One easy way is to go to an Std Clinic for a check-up claiming you have symptons of a discharge and you will be promptly seen.
(If you dont claim evidence of a discharge then you will just be given a home testing kit and you wont see anyone!)
Then you talk to the nurse who does your smear telling her how fraught you feel and how alone and how your ex keeps coming back into your life and making an arguement and leaving!
Did you know anxiety is standard after being treated like that?
They will refer you for counselling and you need to go to it probably once a month at least but they will have many contact addresses for you.
Also, you probably need a test because he probably has someone else and emotionally feels more secure than you because he holds his cards close to his chest and acts the part of nice guy until the nastiness just has to burst out of him. Or he deems it time to go and see his other conquest.
This type of guy is a narcissist.
There are many people on the internet running narcisstic recovery groups and they all do regular free podcasts on youtube.
Try Dr.Ramani.
She also was attached to a narcissist so she knows just how cunning they are!
Try Lee Hammock also . He has a different angle but also fascinating.
once you get started on one or two of these you will see the pattern emerge!
But counselling and new contacts is your best chance of maintaining your escape.
The good news is that he walks out on you! So you dont have to organise an early morning escape to somewhere else.
The bad news is that he knows where to find you and how to charm his way back into your life.
He doesnt pay you maintenance for the children so he doesnt have an automatic entitlement to see them. Then it might be easier to move on emotionally.
All of this can be talked over with the counsellor.

Confused? Why would you be confused about something with no respect for you?

Does it really matter if he’s sorry though?

Would him being sorry allow you to forgive him, re-build a relationship and ultimately to trust him?

He may be sorry, he may regret his actions, we all have things we regret, his feelings and his mistakes are his though. They’re not yours. If he feels bad it’s not on you to make him feel better.

Good point. I think I’m just trying to understand why he does what he does as he achieves nothing by behaving like this

Well he's got your attention. You felt so much better yesterday and one tearful phone call and you are confused again.
He is crying to you, manipulating your children. Why would a grown man in a foreign country ring his own young teenage daughter in tears? It nothing more than a way of hurting you, via her.
If you take him back her tears will stop.
But yours will start.

Thanks a lot I needed to hear that as I was feeling a bit sorry for him. It’s a pattern I have from childhood as I was constantly hurt by my parents & insulted by my mother so I learnt to constantly forgive. I need to break the cycle it’s just hard as I always forgive people.

I think I’m learning at an older age. Don’t spend time rationaling why people do the things they do. Just focus on how it makes you feel and how to get as far away from them as possible.

Actions speak louder than words. If he really cared about you and the kids he'd be providing for them. I don't care that he is in debt, his kids need to eat. He'd be consistent in his communication with them. He'd stop pestering you and would speak to you respectfully and kindly if I did ever have to speak to you. He doesn't care about you he wants to control you. He is perversly enjoying the push me pull you disfunction and is just trying to pull you back in. The best thing you can do is to continue to ignore him and to stop reading his manipulative messages. Just delete them unread. Weaning youself off the drama will take longer the more time you spent half distanced from him. If he is not in the country and the kids are old enough to contact him directly then you don't need to speak to him again ever. Tell your DD you don't need to hear it as Dad is behaving badly towards you. Support her in cutting off conversations where he tries to involve her as a "flying monkey". It's tough but you need to have your big girl pants on through this!

Why is he working abroad?
Why is he in so much debt?
Why can't he work here and actually see his kids? He isn't a great hands on Dad. He's not financially responsible, he's not practically there to care for them, and he's trying to emotionally manipulate a 13 year old girl to do his bidding. Did he even talk to her about her life or was it all about him?

https://talkingtherapies.cnwl.nhs.uk

This is for central and NW London. If that's not your area, just google NHS Talking Therapies and then your location. They offer free mental health support.

Best of luck x

It is entirely possible to be genuinely sorry for having done something... and do it all over again.

There's always a reason for them doing it again you see - they are stressed, depressed, money worries, you made them angry, they drink too much, take drugs, or just have a short fuse. And they are incapable of feeling accountability for what they've done. In their eyes, it can never be their fault.

I think you might be seeing his exit plan in action. He knows youre divorced but it is essential to him that the kids think its your fault not his.
So hes come back and played happy families for 5 months. Confused you with all sorts of false promises that it will all be better from now on etc, then dumped you to make sure you're feeling like shit and meanwhile hes been planting his sympathy seeds in the kids.
He's in it for the long game.
He wants those kids at 21 yrs hating you and thinking youre the bitch from hell, so be very clear with the kids why you got divorced and why it wont work out.
One of the main reasons will be that you need your sanity and he is hell bent on disrupting that by always changing the goal posts .
And you need peace of mind to be a decent parent.
He probably already has someone else lined up.
You feel sad, heartbroken, bereft and destabilised because you believed his promises at the beginning but as you got to know him better he realised that he had been seen through.
He tries to confuse you by inconsistency.
If he could remarry you and divorce on his terms his debt problems would be solved by you!
And longer to work on the kids.
Sometimes people aim to destroy, not just to leave the household.
Failing that hes never put a foot wrong, never cheated, never wasted money selfishly, just married the wrong woman!
Except you had two children for him and didnt cheat and just wanted a normal family life!