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Original poster

Advice on ex-husband asking me back then dumping me

79 replies

Naya205 · Yesterday 11:40

Hi everyone I’d really appreciate some advice. I’m a divorced mum of 2 & my ex husband has been begging me back for a while promising he’s changed. I decided to give him a chance & we were trying to make it work in a long distance relationship.
We were planning to live together soon but I wanted to see if he could be trusted & had really changed. Then suddenly at Christmas he dumped me & said he wanted to be alone. Two months later he begged me back only to do the same thing & dump me now after 4 months back together.

He swears he’s not dating anyone else he’s just stressed with work but every time we argue he says he has women chasing him & if I leave him he will move on & send me pictures. I had enough disrespect so dumped him finally last Thursday. He has sent a text apologizing and called a few times but I’m ignoring them. He says he loves me yet the next minute he shouts at me & dumps me. I am going no contact because I can’t do this anymore but I’m totally heartbroken & confused. Does anyone have any experience of a similar situation or any idea on why he’s behaving like this? Any opinions would help thank you so much

OP posts:
Original poster
Naya205 · Yesterday 19:34

ThisJadeBear · Yesterday 19:15

I am so sorry for what you are going through @Naya205 this is just the last in a long line of betrayals. What your parents did in terms of stealing your savings is horrendous.
While therapy would help, it is expensive. You can access it via the NHS which may take a while.
Feeling lonely means we often put up with crap but then it just makes you feel worse.
I would look at getting involved on something local - anything in your community, it could involve your girls.
What you need, more than anything, is some decent friends. While this man is blocking the doorway, he leaves no space for anyone else.
With some companionship of your own and an increase in your confidence you will not want to engage with your ex.
He is a shit. He will know about your struggles with your dad, he knows you isolated and he’s doing this to you. What a terrible man.
But you will get through but it means sterling from scratch. Looking at what you can do with the resources you do have.
And give dating a swerve because you need a life of your own.

Thank you so much I will try that x

OP posts:
Original poster
Naya205 · Yesterday 19:36

HappyintheHills · Yesterday 11:46

Does he save money on child support when you are back together?

No he’s working abroad at the moment & he doesn’t pay a penny towards his daughters I’m solely responsible

OP posts:
Original poster
Naya205 · Yesterday 19:37

Endofyear · Yesterday 17:41

OP he is not a good person. He is an arsehole who is messing you about. Tell him it's over for good and mean it. Set up a visitation schedule for him to spend time with his children.

Firstly, you need to visit your GP and address the anxiety and depression. Both are treatable and you need to get some help and support.

Secondly, you need to think about how you want your life to be and then go out and get it. You only have one life so don't waste it - you need to make some friends, join some activities, try some new hobbies and start making your life what you want it to be. Just think about what example you want to set for your girls - you want them to grow up not taking any shit from men, being independent and able to take care of themselves, you want them to take responsibility for their own life opportunities, and their own happiness. They will learn this from you so be the example they need. You're a strong woman, you can do this 💐

Thank you so much x

OP posts:
Comedycook · Yesterday 19:39

He's keeping you on the sidelines in case a "better" offer comes up.... don't let a man tell you twice he doesn't want you.

I'm sorry op ..I'm sure it hurts

HappyintheHills · Yesterday 22:19

Naya205 · Yesterday 19:36

No he’s working abroad at the moment & he doesn’t pay a penny towards his daughters I’m solely responsible

Show quote history

What a gem.

SunflowerTed · Yesterday 23:36

Naya205 · Yesterday 13:28

Thank you so much everyone. To be honest I stay strong with no contact but after a few months I end up giving in to see if he’s changed. I know it’s wrong but we have 2 kids together & I’m so anxious & depressed being a single mum. I have severe anxiety & I just wish I had some help or their dad around. Unfortunately I also still love him because when he’s in his good phase he’s a good person it’s just when he decides to be horrible that I break it off. I don’t have any family at all except for my mum & with 2 little girls I feel so lonely. I have no friends that I get to see as they’ve all moved abroad so most days the only phone call I get is from him. I won’t go back no matter what but I’m just racking my brain trying to understand why he keeps doing this to me when he claims to love me so much. All I wanted was to be shown a bit of love & respect. Thanks so much

Bless you - I’ve let someone treat me like this. The pick me dance never works. You’re worth so much more. You’ve taken control so stick to it. I’d rather be lonely than be with a head wrecking arsehole who is abusing you and contributing to your anxiety. He is far from being a good person. Also, your girls need a strong role model. Let him go. It’s not love - it’s dependency. Try and meet new people - mothers of your girls friends etc. stay strong x

SunflowerTed · Yesterday 23:37

Naya205 · Yesterday 19:37

Thank you so much x

Show quote history

this is great advice. Break the cycle. He is not worth it. Ix

TessSaysYes · Yesterday 23:43

Sorry for the quick answer...
He's a walking mess.
You 'll have to transcend him. And make your own solid foundations for a future without him. After a while you all be very glad you did.
Dont look back.

Original poster
Naya205 · Today 06:19

SunflowerTed · Yesterday 23:36

Bless you - I’ve let someone treat me like this. The pick me dance never works. You’re worth so much more. You’ve taken control so stick to it. I’d rather be lonely than be with a head wrecking arsehole who is abusing you and contributing to your anxiety. He is far from being a good person. Also, your girls need a strong role model. Let him go. It’s not love - it’s dependency. Try and meet new people - mothers of your girls friends etc. stay strong x

Show quote history

Thank you so much x

OP posts:
Original poster
Naya205 · Today 06:26

I’m just so angry at myself for giving him a chance again when I was waiting for him to do this again. I was doing so well with 2 months of no contact. I’ve been back doing no contact since Thursday & I will never respond no matter what. Every time he calls his daughters he asks where I am & what I’m though & it’s really frustrating as I feel like I’m being monitored. I just wish he wasn’t the father of my kids so I could never hear from him again.

On top of it he has tried to blackmail me several times when I block him by saying he will tell my dad that we’re back together. My dad hasn’t spoken to me in 2 years & if he found out I had given him another chance he would never forgive me as he hates him & encouraged my divorce. As an only child with no family I gave in when he threatened me with that but I won’t this time. Thanks everyone x

OP posts:
PeoniesAreMyFavouriteFlowers · Today 06:29

Bloody hell. Your dad sounds toxic too.

Free yourself from these awful awful men. Never ever engage with them beyond the purely functional.

You are important. Far more important than they are. Your daughters too. Protect them.

CharityShopMensGlasses · Today 06:50

Oh I really feel for you. Im so sorry he treated you like that. I wonder if yoj want to set up a new thread on here for support for your new life and a few if us can check in witj you and encourage you?

My advice as a divorced mum of 3 who also had really low self esteem is;

  • Don't date for as long as you can so you can build yourself up first. Sadly there are lots of predatory men out there who can smell the vulnerability and low self esteem a mile off. Even without dating you will probably hear from lots of them. My experience is until youre in a good place on your own these people come and will talk the good talk and be very convincing...and then leave you feeling even worse than you started off. I know it will be hard and at times you'll feel lonely but its so worth waiting till youre in a good headspace. Eventually when you do start dating dont involve the kids for a year. If hes a truly good man he will wait.
  • Find the joy/ glimmers What simple things do you like? There is so much free community stuff in London. For me I live near the sea and walking there helps me feel calm and steady. I have cheap candles and set up my table prettily for lots of silly little occasions and that makes me and the kids smile.
  • Find your community, a lot of people find religious groups like church helpful, or there might be other things for you, I found a couple of other single mum friends at school one i asked her child round for a play date and then we ended up doing some things us and our children together and through our kids friends we've net more mums too. Theres 5 of us whi help each other with school runs and enjoy play dates together. Like all getting together with ice lollies at the park, simple stuff but fun. Ive laughed and cried so much with these girls they understand the highs and lows.
  • Be kind to yourself every day you're trying your best. You could get some bools around anxiety from the library? I found Russ Harris books really good for helping me get my head round how I felt his first one is called the happiness trap. Exercise and mindfulness or breathwork also help me lots. Theres loads of free stuff on YouTube like movefitmama to try. When I feel worried or like im going to react I think will this feel different after 3 deep breaths? And try to take them first before reacting. Im not perfect but it does help a lot.
  • was he abusive? He sounds like it? Support from your local domestic abuse charity mught be worth looking in to too.
They often run courses and can sometimes help with small financial grants too.

Things will get better in time. You have a new chapter of your life to enjoy now without him casting a shadow on everything xx

Original poster
Naya205 · Today 06:51

PeoniesAreMyFavouriteFlowers · Today 06:29

Bloody hell. Your dad sounds toxic too.

Free yourself from these awful awful men. Never ever engage with them beyond the purely functional.

You are important. Far more important than they are. Your daughters too. Protect them.

Yes he is that’s why I put up with my husband as long as I did as unfortunately I’ve been mistreated all my life by my family too. I’m teaching my daughters to never put up with anyone not treating them right so they won’t even end up like me. Thanks a lot x

OP posts:
Pinkissmart · Today 06:55

Please stop showing your little girls that love is dysfunctional

Original poster
Naya205 · Today 06:59

Pinkissmart · Today 06:55

Please stop showing your little girls that love is dysfunctional

Yes I will never put them in that situation again. I think it was because I’ve never been loved by anyone in my life (including my parents) so I don’t even know how love is meant to be, Also I got married young & was so naive so that didn’t help.

OP posts:
Janefx40 · Today 07:02

@Naya205don’t be down on yourself. Many many of us have been where you are. I spent years going back to someone similar. But I did manage to move on and have better relationships. Being down on yourself only makes it harder to make a change and move on. I know you can do it! And don’t give up on your own life either. Good things can be ahead for you but it does take time. Sending love x

Anony11 · Today 07:08

Hes behaving like that because hes an immature man child. Hes dumped you more than once. Hes 'threatening ' to move on and send you pics, WTAF! How old is he,5. Get rid of the little weasel, hes too immature for a grownup relationship!

Original poster
Naya205 · Today 07:09

Janefx40 · Today 07:02

@Naya205don’t be down on yourself. Many many of us have been where you are. I spent years going back to someone similar. But I did manage to move on and have better relationships. Being down on yourself only makes it harder to make a change and move on. I know you can do it! And don’t give up on your own life either. Good things can be ahead for you but it does take time. Sending love x

Thank alot x

OP posts:
Original poster
Naya205 · Today 07:10

Anony11 · Today 07:08

Hes behaving like that because hes an immature man child. Hes dumped you more than once. Hes 'threatening ' to move on and send you pics, WTAF! How old is he,5. Get rid of the little weasel, hes too immature for a grownup relationship!

I know it’s so crazy he’s literally a man child. I’ve never heard of a guy saying that so it was seriously strange to me too. Thanks a lot x

OP posts:
Dery · Today 07:28

@Naya205 - i’m so sorry to hear of everything you’ve gone through. Your parents sound appalling and vile. Our parents are the people who are supposed to love us unconditionally and it is such an incredibly damaging thing when they don’t. Their cruelty towards you has made you so vulnerable to your ex’s tricks. You sound absolutely amazing. You’re carrying such a load but you’ve resolved to break the cycle and are teaching your daughters to love themselves.

Original poster
Naya205 · Today 07:44

Dery · Today 07:28

@Naya205 - i’m so sorry to hear of everything you’ve gone through. Your parents sound appalling and vile. Our parents are the people who are supposed to love us unconditionally and it is such an incredibly damaging thing when they don’t. Their cruelty towards you has made you so vulnerable to your ex’s tricks. You sound absolutely amazing. You’re carrying such a load but you’ve resolved to break the cycle and are teaching your daughters to love themselves.

Thank you so much that’s so kind x

OP posts:
Original poster
Naya205 · Today 07:48

CharityShopMensGlasses · Today 06:50

Oh I really feel for you. Im so sorry he treated you like that. I wonder if yoj want to set up a new thread on here for support for your new life and a few if us can check in witj you and encourage you?

My advice as a divorced mum of 3 who also had really low self esteem is;

  • Don't date for as long as you can so you can build yourself up first. Sadly there are lots of predatory men out there who can smell the vulnerability and low self esteem a mile off. Even without dating you will probably hear from lots of them. My experience is until youre in a good place on your own these people come and will talk the good talk and be very convincing...and then leave you feeling even worse than you started off. I know it will be hard and at times you'll feel lonely but its so worth waiting till youre in a good headspace. Eventually when you do start dating dont involve the kids for a year. If hes a truly good man he will wait.
  • Find the joy/ glimmers What simple things do you like? There is so much free community stuff in London. For me I live near the sea and walking there helps me feel calm and steady. I have cheap candles and set up my table prettily for lots of silly little occasions and that makes me and the kids smile.
  • Find your community, a lot of people find religious groups like church helpful, or there might be other things for you, I found a couple of other single mum friends at school one i asked her child round for a play date and then we ended up doing some things us and our children together and through our kids friends we've net more mums too. Theres 5 of us whi help each other with school runs and enjoy play dates together. Like all getting together with ice lollies at the park, simple stuff but fun. Ive laughed and cried so much with these girls they understand the highs and lows.
  • Be kind to yourself every day you're trying your best. You could get some bools around anxiety from the library? I found Russ Harris books really good for helping me get my head round how I felt his first one is called the happiness trap. Exercise and mindfulness or breathwork also help me lots. Theres loads of free stuff on YouTube like movefitmama to try. When I feel worried or like im going to react I think will this feel different after 3 deep breaths? And try to take them first before reacting. Im not perfect but it does help a lot.
  • was he abusive? He sounds like it? Support from your local domestic abuse charity mught be worth looking in to too.
They often run courses and can sometimes help with small financial grants too.

Things will get better in time. You have a new chapter of your life to enjoy now without him casting a shadow on everything xx

Thank you so much for the fantastic advice. I’ll definitely try all those tips. Yes he was abusive, I definitely need therapy but unfortunately I can’t afford it as I have a lot of expenses towards the kids.

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · Today 07:51

He's a drama llama who craves attention.

Don't give him any and move on from that idiot.

Original poster
Naya205 · Today 07:52

You’ve all been so kind & helpful. I was in a really bad place yesterday & the encouraging messages helped so much. The idea of him moving on to a new happy relationship when he has totally ruined my life makes me so angry. I don’t love him anymore but I wish I could know a way to take the thoughts out of my head of him being with someone else. I really want to not care but I don’t know why it bothers me so much. Does anyone have any tips on what to do when you start thinking about your ex moving on & feeling jealous about it for some reason? Thanks again

OP posts:
Original poster
Naya205 · Today 07:53

Twiglets1 · Today 07:51

He's a drama llama who craves attention.

Don't give him any and move on from that idiot.

Lol that is a great name for him

OP posts: