Advice on ex-husband asking me back then dumping me

[Naya205]

Hi everyone I’d really appreciate some advice. I’m a divorced mum of 2 & my ex husband has been begging me back for a while promising he’s changed. I decided to give him a chance & we were trying to make it work in a long distance relationship.
We were planning to live together soon but I wanted to see if he could be trusted & had really changed. Then suddenly at Christmas he dumped me & said he wanted to be alone. Two months later he begged me back only to do the same thing & dump me now after 4 months back together.

He swears he’s not dating anyone else he’s just stressed with work but every time we argue he says he has women chasing him & if I leave him he will move on & send me pictures. I had enough disrespect so dumped him finally last Thursday. He has sent a text apologizing and called a few times but I’m ignoring them. He says he loves me yet the next minute he shouts at me & dumps me. I am going no contact because I can’t do this anymore but I’m totally heartbroken & confused. Does anyone have any experience of a similar situation or any idea on why he’s behaving like this? Any opinions would help thank you so much

He is an ex for a reason, keep him as that. You are never going to have a stable drama free life if you are with him. He hasn't changed.

Only you can break the cycle.

Channel your inner Taylor.
"we are never never getting back together..."

No point wondering why he is behaving like a twat. You need the space to grieve properly, get a Child maintenance claim sorted and focus on maintaining no contact unless child
related

While we can all give opinions you already know the answer.
You keep taking him back because he knows and can come and go as he pleases.
He has loads of women chasing him? Do me a favour.
You divorced him for a reason.
You really need to set this boundary and move on. He’s playing you and it is causing you hurt.
He doesn’t love you or care for you one bit.
There is not a woman here who could say…
well the 5th time I took him back he was a changed man.
Get him out of your life and let him stay gone.

He’s behaving like this because he can.

Because you’re allowing it to happen.

It’s a form of control.

He reels you back in. Promising calm, stability, change.

You are so wracked with nervous energy that you jump at this chance with relief.

Only for him to create chaos for you again by dumping you.

It’s cruel. It’s also planned and vindictive.

You can’t continue to believe him and you cannot let him in your life again. He will cause distress and chaos every time.

Don’t waste your time or life trying to understand him and why he does this.

Grey rock him. Be indifferent. Don’t give him oxygen. Do not reconcile. Walk away. He is poisoning your future.

Then you can actually start to heal and rebuild.

I took an ex back after a 6 month break. He kept his New Him going long enough for me to marry him 10 weeks later.. Regretted it within 2 weeks. Filed for divorce when we got to a year and was allowed to..

Well he likes knowing you’re dangling on a string and he can reel you back in whenever he wants . I’d be very inclined to block him for a while and communicate through something like email until you get some equilibrium back. With some time and distance you’re going to see him for what he really is.

He's an abusive shit who enjoys upsetting you and making you dance to his tune.

Dump the bastard once and for all.

Does he save money on child support when you are back together?

He is utterly horrible op abusive when you argue talking about other women chasing him etc..let them have him! (though they probably don't exist and if they do, don't deserve his bullshit any more than you do)

You would probably benefit from understanding why it is you accepted his pleas to get back, as he really does not treat you well and never will. He is a woman hater, and bad bad news.

He likes and enjoys messing you about. He is immature and you are giving him control over you. Why?

He’s behaving like this because:
a) he’s a git
b) you’re a safety net for when he doesn’t have a better offee
c) you let him

You need to make a decision for yourself about whether you are willing to continue to tolerate this, he won’t change.

This happened to me OP and basically my ex didn’t really want me but he didn’t want anyone else to have me either; he hated the idea of me moving on so he did this sort of thing to keep me on his hook. He’d pop up every so often usually if he felt me pulling away (calls going unanswered, texts not being responded too, pictures of me out and about on social media) to reel me back in or for an ego boost if he wasn’t having any luck elsewhere. I think he enjoyed knowing I was there as a safety net / back up.

Sorry OP, the best advice I can give you is to go no contact and move on with your life; he’ll never change.

He’s your ex for a reason…. Why are you letting him do this… and several times over? This time won’t be any different.

You’ve had some excellent advice here OP. I hope you listen to it, block the see you next Tuesday and never let him do this to you again.

Thank you so much everyone. To be honest I stay strong with no contact but after a few months I end up giving in to see if he’s changed. I know it’s wrong but we have 2 kids together & I’m so anxious & depressed being a single mum. I have severe anxiety & I just wish I had some help or their dad around. Unfortunately I also still love him because when he’s in his good phase he’s a good person it’s just when he decides to be horrible that I break it off. I don’t have any family at all except for my mum & with 2 little girls I feel so lonely. I have no friends that I get to see as they’ve all moved abroad so most days the only phone call I get is from him. I won’t go back no matter what but I’m just racking my brain trying to understand why he keeps doing this to me when he claims to love me so much. All I wanted was to be shown a bit of love & respect. Thanks so much

.

He is not a good person..A good person would not treat another human this way.

He know how to appear to be a good person to keep you hooked in, but a good person does not do bad things. He is a sham..You love a sham, sad to say.

OP he is not a good person. He is an arsehole who is messing you about. Tell him it's over for good and mean it. Set up a visitation schedule for him to spend time with his children.

Firstly, you need to visit your GP and address the anxiety and depression. Both are treatable and you need to get some help and support.

Secondly, you need to think about how you want your life to be and then go out and get it. You only have one life so don't waste it - you need to make some friends, join some activities, try some new hobbies and start making your life what you want it to be. Just think about what example you want to set for your girls - you want them to grow up not taking any shit from men, being independent and able to take care of themselves, you want them to take responsibility for their own life opportunities, and their own happiness. They will learn this from you so be the example they need. You're a strong woman, you can do this 💐

He sounds unhinged and presents a huge risk to your happiness, frankly. Think about your children also - this isn't going to be a healthy family unit for them to be in as they're growing up and growing older.

I'd genuinely suggest that you find yourself some online resources to help you understand what the dynamic of all this has been, and read a book online also called Why Does He Do That?

https://www.audible.co.uk/pd/Summary-of-Lundy-Bancrofts-Why-Does-He-Do-That-by-Swift-Reads-Audiobook/B07MVP2SFV

You need slowly, surely to build a new life for yourself, with a friend or two in it, perhaps through school or a new group / hobby, or an online community. (You're here on a good one right now.)

The only experience I have of this is when I was much much younger. It was my first serious boyfriend between ages 19-21 and there were no children involved. One minute he wanted me and then the next he didn't. Twice I took him back, the second time of being dumped was worse than the first time. I vowed, I'd never let him do it again (he would have, without a shadow of a doubt), so I went no contact.

You are in a more difficult position because he's an ex husband and the Father of your two children, so you have no choice but to have contact. You need to stop having contact with him, that isn't regarding your children. You also need to seek some therapy, to help build your self-esteem. You deserve more than crumbs that he's prepared to give you, but at the moment I'm not sure you believe that. Once you have therapy, you will realise, he's doing it because he can...yes, that sounds horrible, and that's because it is. He has power over you, and he knows you'll keep coming back regardless how shitty he treats you.

Stop analysing why he's doing it. It's irrelevant. He doesn't love you or really want you. Stop facilitating his behaviour by cutting contact to only child related. Shut anything else down.

Of course he’s nice to you sometimes.

That’s how he makes you doubt yourself about his awful character.

Being a single parent is really hard. It’s not forever. But it will be forever hell if you keep letting him back with you.

Please don’t waste any more of your life on this loser of a man who is stringing you along. You deserve better.

Thanks everyone for the great advice. I definitely need therapy as I have serious self esteem & trust issues due to being abandoned by both my dad & him. My mum also doesn’t want to be involved so it’s really hard. The reason I haven’t had therapy is honestly I can’t afford it. Does anyone know any therapists in Central London that aren’t crazy expensive. I’m solely responsible for the 2 girls financially & my parents borrowed my savings & didn’t return anything so I’m in a really tough spot. I’ve ended up having really high blood pressure although I’m only in my 30s from all the stress so I’m on medication for that too that’s why I’m reluctant to ask the GP for antidepressants. Thanks a lot for all the help x

I am so sorry for what you are going through @Naya205 this is just the last in a long line of betrayals. What your parents did in terms of stealing your savings is horrendous.
While therapy would help, it is expensive. You can access it via the NHS which may take a while.
Feeling lonely means we often put up with crap but then it just makes you feel worse.
I would look at getting involved on something local - anything in your community, it could involve your girls.
What you need, more than anything, is some decent friends. While this man is blocking the doorway, he leaves no space for anyone else.
With some companionship of your own and an increase in your confidence you will not want to engage with your ex.
He is a shit. He will know about your struggles with your dad, he knows you isolated and he’s doing this to you. What a terrible man.
But you will get through but it means sterling from scratch. Looking at what you can do with the resources you do have.
And give dating a swerve because you need a life of your own.