The Dating Thread 58 - will you swoon in June? 🌸🌼🌸

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@CleanShirt sorry about Mr Mullet

Sleepover with ✈️🛩went well ish. He has all the right moves except can't ahem complete the job.

Death grip?

Also got chatted up in Waitrose in my old clothes. Led Zep tee belonging to daughter clearly the way to go 😅

Drink?

Haha, still got it!

Sorry to hear the evening with Planes didn quite go to plan. Maybe it was just first time nerves?
I had an ex who same problem when we first got together. Eventually he relaxed and everything was fine.

Got a message from an old ex who I dated briefly 20 years ago. We’ve stayed very loosely in contact over the years, messaging every few years or so, but not met up. We had tried to organise a drink a few years ago but he’d had to work and we never rescheduled.

I posted an updated profile pic on Facebook for the first time in years. Got a message from him suggesting we finally catch up for that drink. Had seen lots of pics on social media of him recently with his partner and newborn. Said yes to drink thinking it was a friendly catch up.

He then sent me a flirty message, I went back and checked his Facebook profile. No mentions of the partner for 2 months and his profile status says single.

Even if he weren’t freshly out of a relationship and with a baby, an actual date would be a no. Have made my excuses to postpone the drink. Argh!

They do this the guys - easier than looking for new I think - not that you’re not a prize btw.

My 2nd serious relationship as in had kids didn’t last so long - he went and got married to someone else pretty fast and stayed with her 12 years. 2 weeks after they split he m text me for a ‘catch up’ privately re the kids - tried to get back in there - I mean like did he think I’d just got in a box for 12 years waiting for him?!

You do right to say no - but it’s disappointing- least you know upfront before entanglement could happen.

Theres better waiting for you.

Definitely - maybe try it more often ha! Depending on planes - first time is often not the best - was anything said or just ignore for now?

Well done - it’s crap today, but you know now you can call ‘next’ - find someone who deserves you.

Loves locally is a great phrase for him!

I don’t know - I think it’s fine to have friends of the opposite sex and in early visits to OLD I made a couple of friends I stayed in touch with a good while - no relationship though so that didn’t matter ha.

What would you think if your date said this?

I probably wouldn’t worry yet and just see how friendship goes anyway - some guys do bring sex into everything- alternatively he could be a real long term friend helping you vet potential irons!

@MsJinksExactly, nothing makes a girl feel special like knowing she’s in the reserve team 😂😂

A very modest glass of wine?

He kind of said he hasn't been able to for years. In company.

No we had a whole convo which we dealt with ok.

MrX was similar...

One of my exes had this issue the first couple of times - apparently it's not unusual. Stage fright?

It did go away with him.

More worrying that Planes says this happens frequently...... How does he feel about it?

And more importantly, how do you feel about it? X

I've got deja vu from MrX

It will be ok if planes wants to resolve it if it goes on.

He seemed like it was no big deal. But it IS.

Meant to reply to this before and forgot - well done for sorting out the counselling - it's honestly one of the best things I have ever done.....

Re. Your dating profile, in terms of pictures, just make sure they are recent and show what you actually look like (don't obscure your face with sunglasses or a hat or anything.). Much better for people to know what you look like, so that if they do swipe right, they are going into it with their eyes open. And make sure you are smiling - a lot of men seem to use pics in which they look angry/bitter. It's very off-puting.

And make sure your bio talks about what you are like/what you offer, not just what you are looking for. And nothing negative. And if you are looking for a long term, monogamous relationship I would make that very clear - this may be unfair, but when a guy doesn't clarify that I tend to assume he is after hook ups.

But don't over think it. Try to enjoy other aspects of your life, commit to the counselling etc. Most women want a happy guy who has his shit together!

I agree - I would not be happy long term in a sexual relationship in which the man couldn't finish.

It's definitely not anything about you that is causing this, and I hope you are clear on that! This is all him.

It could be worth giving it a couple more goes, to see if it revolves itself.

Other things that can be a factor (I remember, from looking into it when my ex had the same issues) are condoms, and also drink.

Mr Situationship had that. He made up for it in other areas. Personally I wasn’t worried about it short term as it might be anxiety because you matter.

I have a date. Mr HolidayHomes. Week in Wednesday 🤞 no details but please 🙏 meeting in a town which is a halfway point That’s fair isn’t it? Friends seem to feel like he needs to make the effort but I prefer neutral.

It’s very hard to say as no idea how he would have presented himself, what he would have written on his profile etc!

On everyone I’ve ever been in a serious relationship with, I’d have definitely swiped past them on an app. Another reason why I don’t do them.

Why are you asking?

Would you be comfortable sending a stranger a pic of your driver’s license? Remember it has all your personal data and home address on it.

I’ll be honest if a guy disclosed personal data to me before date, I would not be comfortable dating that person. That would be the same kind of guy that tells all his friends my private business and shares pics of me.

There was this one guy who was trying to date me who told his work colleagues about me, and also told me everyone else’s business, including a number of well-known people he worked with. Ew.

People are so casual with personal data in dating, sharing where they work, pictures of their house and children, where they go to school, DOB and home address online for anyone to access etc.

I also 100% do not wish to be googled, and would extend the same courtesy to the person I’m meeting.

Obviously different if it’s a business meeting.

If you're male and you're not receiving any likes on OLD, well the most obvious answer is because you're male!

There is a massive discrepancy in experience with OLD between the sexes. Women are inundated with likes, whilst men are lucky to receive one like a week. I recently read someone doing their own research on it (a young guy in a major US city) and he got about 30 likes over one year.

I don't know what's going on but even the IRL dating events are struggling to get men to attend now. I think men are becoming increasingly despondent to it, and considering that dating is a number's game, the less people, the less success.

That is definitely fair - and I’m very keen to know if Mr Holiday Homes can be Mr Holiday Horns - in a good way!

I say this despite enjoying and even specifically looking for ‘effort’ this time around on OLD - I think though the effort I look for is more in the interest of the date than tying themselves in knots and going OTT on the first date.

I mean he hasn’t asked you to go to him - I’d be saying ‘no’ then, but equally going to you is perhaps a bit too much putting himself out there. I think your friends are batting for you - they’re right to an extent on ‘effort’ but I don’t think this falls into that category.

Go and enjoy - oh and report back ha!

Meant to answer this earlier.

Really glad you are trying counselling- last time I went it ended up helping me with a big issue that I hadn’t even gone for - it will help and maybe in ways you hadn’t considered. I would just say that if you didn’t click with them then try someone else - I had a dreadful counsellor back in the early 90s and just refused for decades to try one till forced due to being off work for stress and they had one - so different.

Re photos and profile then Elle has answered on that regarding how hard it is for guys to get likes - also I think guys may do more likes than women so it’s a bit of a downer for men I guess - thought female, 60 was hard enough ha!

We can’t review your profile directly but I think if you put some info on your profile in here we might help - just one of the sentences/answers. Maybe look at other guys’ profiles but that mightn’t help if they too don’t get likes and you can’t know!

Generally, photos - just straightforward and up to date casual shots, preferably smiling or looking happy enough, are best imo - I mean you may have a big event photo and you can put that on but add others as well - no fish, be fully clothed, not loads of other people. Profile - no negativity and a sense of fun, though that might be me lol, negativity though is everyone.

Good you could talk about it - it’s an age thing isn’t it - you fortunately warned me of this, thank you, especially with my last first being around 50 when there was no issue generally.

All is great here now though - hope (and believe) it will be for you too.