Am I controlling?

[Cantthinkofanamenow]

Dh regularly goes out to his friends house 3 doors away from us until early hours of the morning 1/2am. He leaves the door unlocked which he knows I hate and makes me feel unsafe (we live in a very quiet area but you never know what could happen). He also always goes after I've gone to bed so it's almost as if he hopes i don't notice he's gone. For context we are in our 30s, have children, and both work (him full time). It never affects him getting up for work in the morning, or getting up with the dc but I just find it really odd for someone his age to do and sometimes makes me feel like I'm married to someone in their 20s being out half the night all the time. He says I'm controlling and it's no different to me seeing my friends in the daytime but I disagree. Am I controlling for not liking it?

Is your husband Bi ? How often do you go to bed and have sex/sleep like most married people do ? Your husband could also be being picked up by somebody and going elsewhere and not the neighbours . OP I think you have to think outside the box here and ask your husband some hard questions . It could appear to be quite innocent or you could be getting played for just accepting what he is doing to you .

Your DH is putting his relationship with someone else (or some thing else) ahead of your marriage, for whatever reason, and that's not right. Plus he's irresponsible leaving the door unlocked which could endanger his family, another indication he isn't putting them first!

Yeah my former coworker assumed her husband was staying out at his brothers who stayed round the corner.

I gently told her considering her brother in law had a wife and 3 young children that was unlikely and encouraged her to press him for an answer.

He refused to tell her, so she eventually asked the in-laws and they said no, he wasn’t at theirs and told her to ask him again since they clearly knew but didn’t want to get involved.

Long story short it came out that he was having an affair with a woman from work, and he divorced her a few months later.

It is not controlling to want to feel safe in your own home. He is being inconsiderate, not for going out, but for not letting you know how long he will be out and for not locking the door.
If he is a night owl and is genuinely spending time with his friend it seems reasonable to do it when it has least impact on you ie at night.
Can’t you make a pact? You won’t complain if he tells you he’s going and locks the door when he leaves.

@Cantthinkofanamenow Calling you controlling is gaslighting btw. He is turning the issue back on you, so that instead having to explain his behaviour, you spend your energy and focus on doubting yourself. Very clever. But very mean.

YADNBU
There’s absolutely no way you are controlling. This would irritate the hell out of me.

The issue is he’s a stoner addicted to weed.

WTF: Give him his key and lock the door. End of.

Is he thick? It does not require skill to put a key in the lock and turn it.

Same. This is such strange behaviour from a grown man with a family. I suppose he’s seeing his friend at a time that doesn’t interfere with family time but it’s still so strange and to leave the door unlocked when his wife and children are sleeping in the house is just not on.

Either closet gay or he’s not at his friends and is up to no good

Can’t you say it’s fine, you going round friends house, but pls DH but im not comfortable with unlocked door, pls do not do this again, lock up and take your key! Hes a twat if he thinks this is unreasonable

Smart locks? Key safes? What the fuck is going on here? Just lock the door behind him if he's too much of a moron to carry a door key in his pocket. It'll only take him being locked out once or twice before he learns.

I think it's fine as it's not impacting on other things really but don't see why he is incapable of locking the door and taking his keys? Surely he does this other times he leaves the house so idk why he's so averse to doing that?

Bit odd but there are worse things. Would t really bother me if it wasn’t putting me out in any way.

Tell him to go out when you’re still awake so you can make sure he’s locked the front door. If he refuses to do that then change the front door to one that you can’t open from
outside and he’d need a key for anyway.

don’t think OP will be back. Hope not kidnapped

If the problem is that he doesn't lock the door, just tell him to lock the door.

"John, next time you go and see your friend, lock the door behind you."

Have you actually read OP's posts?

Not locking the door is only part of the issue and if it was as easily solved as your suggestion implies then there wouldn't have been any need for her to start this thread