Am I controlling?

[Cantthinkofanamenow]

Dh regularly goes out to his friends house 3 doors away from us until early hours of the morning 1/2am. He leaves the door unlocked which he knows I hate and makes me feel unsafe (we live in a very quiet area but you never know what could happen). He also always goes after I've gone to bed so it's almost as if he hopes i don't notice he's gone. For context we are in our 30s, have children, and both work (him full time). It never affects him getting up for work in the morning, or getting up with the dc but I just find it really odd for someone his age to do and sometimes makes me feel like I'm married to someone in their 20s being out half the night all the time. He says I'm controlling and it's no different to me seeing my friends in the daytime but I disagree. Am I controlling for not liking it?

This! My dh said he was going to the late cinema yesterday and would be home a little past midnight. Didn't ask me but has the courtesy to tell me where he's going and when to expect him back so I don't worry about him. It's called respect.

@Cantthinkofanamenow This sneaking out when you're in bed seems unsettling. My friend's dh did exactly the same- saw a neighbour in the evening to smoke pot. She followed him one evening because she thought he was seeing another woman but it was him getting high- or as he told her "winding down" with a mate. He's now an ex because he refused to stop.

What are they doing?

I've re-read your posts three times, OP, and you've given no indication that you know what they're doing.

This is weird. Haven't you asked him what they get up to?

Weed smoking maybe .

Why doesn’t he just lock the door and take his key like a normal person? Why doesn’t he like locking the door. Most people lock their door when they go to bed

I've got a wild imagination, they're gaming or drinking, smoking pot, watching porn or having an affair.
No way would the door be left unlocked for anyone. He can take a key, stay at his mates place over night or sleep in the shed if he wanted.

It's crazy we're all guessing. Could be weed, booze, gaming, gambling, watching films, watching porn, building a model railway, learning Croatian, going out in the other guy's car, having an affair with each other, entertaining prostitutes, discussing international politics, doing karaoke, arguing about football ...

... and OP doesn't know?

My friends husband did this a lot and surprise a pregnant girlfriend appeared after a few months. His wife thought he was up in his neighbours house every night.

anyway, the night time door un locking can’t continue.

Find a key safe on Amazon, use it, and if he does it again then he is deliberately doing this and is ignoring you. Thats wrong.

Well no, it's not something DH and I have ever done. But we don't need to sneak around to see our friends. And if either of us did want to go out, as long as it wasn't impacting on home, family or work commitments we'd be free to do do without having to seek permission or approval.

I think OP has the right to complain about the door being left unlocked. But if her DH wants to socialise til the early hours whilst she's sleeping, and he's still on top of all his responsibilities, then why not? He doesn't have to sleep, or even stay in, just because she is.

Every single time I’ve been in this “I’ll be 5min” situation that then extends, the answer has always been the same: cheating, drug use or both.

Also, does he ever show you photos of these outings? Will he answer if you call?

I am sorry it's just not normal to me.

I encourage hobbies, days out, weekends away, but sneaking out the marital home until the early hours of the morning several times a week?

No - not in my world.

Sneaking out when you’re in bed? Is he 15?!
It’s a very weird thing in my opinion. Assume he doesn’t go to bed when you do?

It would take a lot for my husband to want to leave the house after the kids are in bed.

But you realise you're being very controlling, no?

No I don't think it is, and I also wouldn't consider my husband controlling if he said "please don't sneak out the house 4 nights a week until the early hours of the morning."

I would consider it an entirely reasonable request.

Maybe I am dull- but I don't know any married couples who live their lives like that.

When I was late teens I had a boyfriend in his twenties who lived like this. He was always popping over to his mates late on. Smoking weed and gaming. Ok. We were young. But he also used this as an opportunity to cheat on me relentlessly. Seems an odd thing to be doing in your thirties when life responsibilities mean you are more knackered too. Is he definitely going to his mates?

Nowt to do with control. If he does not tell you what he is
doing though, I’d be locking that door.

Why doesn’t he like locking the door? Does he not have his own key? Is it very loud to unlock so he’ll wake you up and you’ll know what time he got home?

What job does the friend do that means he can stay up late several night a week?
If I had doubts I would find it very hard to not stay up and look out the window or follow DH to see if he’s actually going to friend’s house and whether anyone else goes in or out. (Assuming you are not like the mumsnetter who won’t even go to the end of her drive when the kids are in bed)

There are some people who think they can do whatever they damn well please and have no consideration whatsoever for anyone else. He is one of them.

They are also the exact same people who will accuse you of being 'controlling' when you point out they are being thoughtless, and ask them to rein it in a bit and have some consideration for you once in a while

You are not being controlling, he is.

Right, but what if he wasn't "sneaking out", and just said he wanted to go to a friends to game and would be back in the early hours? You alright with that now?

He shouldn't need to "sneak out", he should surely be free to come and go as he likes as long as he keeps on top of his commitments.

If you don't trust him and think he's doing something he shouldn't, that's a totally different problem.

If you're asleep anyway what difference does it make to your life? Unless you think he's cheating on you with his friend?

I think if gaming is his hobby and he wanted to game until the early hours then that would be fine.

If it was leaving the family home 3/4 nights a week until 1am I would think that was too much.

My biggest concern with this is him not locking the front door. And the red flag from him continuing to leave it unlocked even though he knows it makes you feel anxious and unsafe. At the bare minimum he should be locking the front door and taking a key with him like a grown up. No matter how quiet your street is, that's what you need in place to feel safe and that's enough of a reason to lock the door.

Going to see a friend is fine, more fool him if he's missing out on sleep.

What do they do when they're hanging out? Chatting and drinking? Gaming? Playing cards? I'm kind of just being nosy but also wonder what the draw is.

I'd be fine with it as long as it's not impacting on his time and presence with the family. If it brings him joy and comfort and companionship then great, I want all those things for my husband. I want him to enjoy time with his friends and me to enjoy time with my friends.

Sometimes when I go to my sister's in the evening we'll be chatting and drinking and not realise it's midnight as time's flown. She lives a couple of streets away so I just walk home after some wines and go to bed. My husband goes to bed early and gets up very early for work. He doesn't care that I go and I would be annoyed, disappointed, embarrassed and belittled if he told me he didn't want me to go over her house of an evening. I always lock our bloody front door though!

What difference does it make? He's going out late at night and leaving the front door unlocked when the OP and their children are asleep in bed.

The OP is entirely reasonable to be concerned about that.

But why? You're asleep! It makes no diffetence if he's in out out! It's definitely controlling to force him to stay in when he wants to go out when you're asleep anyway so it doesn't impact you and he's staying on top of all his commitments.

If we replace 'staying up til the early hours to game with a friend while you're asleep' with 'getting up extra early to train for a marathon whilst you're asleep' (so simply swapping the hobby) does that now change your view?