Am I controlling?

[Cantthinkofanamenow]

Dh regularly goes out to his friends house 3 doors away from us until early hours of the morning 1/2am. He leaves the door unlocked which he knows I hate and makes me feel unsafe (we live in a very quiet area but you never know what could happen). He also always goes after I've gone to bed so it's almost as if he hopes i don't notice he's gone. For context we are in our 30s, have children, and both work (him full time). It never affects him getting up for work in the morning, or getting up with the dc but I just find it really odd for someone his age to do and sometimes makes me feel like I'm married to someone in their 20s being out half the night all the time. He says I'm controlling and it's no different to me seeing my friends in the daytime but I disagree. Am I controlling for not liking it?

Someone mentioned he might be gooning.... so it's apparently long periods of masturbation?

Oh I'm cackling.... so my ex was an absolute gooooooooooon..... ok will stop derailing. This Gen Z slang is funny.

Wow thanks for all the replies everyone. Lots of different opinions here so I'm still unsure if I'm controlling but definitely not alone in thinking it's weird and unreasonable behaviour.
Just to clear a few things up, he doesn't sneak out because I'll 'make a fuss' as one pp put it, he knows full well that if he told me he was going round there for a few hours I wouldn't really have much to say about it (although goven how frequently he does it id still find it weird going out until early hours). What winds me up is the pretending he's only going to be 5 minutes and actually being there hours. And I believe this is why he won't lock the door, because this is basically admitting he's going to be out for a prolonged period of time not just popping over quickly.
If he is to be believed, all they do is have a beer and chat. And I'm 99% sure that weed is involved too.
This happens at least once a week, usually a few times a week.

It's weird, you are not in the wrong.

@Butterme @dontmalbeconme we’ll just have to agree to disagree, I personally find leaving the house (unlocked, no less) frequently after everyone is asleep dodgy and to an extent irresponsible behaviour.

Plus I’d bet anything he’s on something, which would also then make him an unsafe adult for the kids. But to each their own and OP is the one who needs to be comfortable with it.

So you dictate which hobbies he's allowed to do and which he's not? You must recognise this is controlling? That he has to get your permission and approval for a hobby he alone is doing?

Look, if he's doing dodgy stuff like drugs or having an affair or watching porn, well that's a whole different issue and a problem in and of itself.

But if he wants to spend a few hours with his mate when OP is asleep, and he's still keeping up with his family and work commitments, then that's really not a problem, and it is, of course, controlling for OP to try to stop him. He should lock the flipping door, though.

Neither of us dictate, neither of us would have a hobby that took us out the home multiple times a week until 1am.

Choosing to see his friends at a time that suits him and fits in with family life is absolutely fine. Leaving the home unsecured is where I’d have a problem especially when you’re all asleep that just adds to the vulnerability.

But that’s your choice.

If I want to go to a club and get home at 4am then that’s my choice.

If I want to go to the gym at 11pm or 4am when it’s quiet then I will because that’s my choice.

If my best friend lived a few doors up I would 100% be going to hers in the evenings.

As long as it doesn’t affect the parenting, work or relationship then having hobbies are fine.

The only issue here is the unlocked door.

It sounds like you've got incompatible body clocks. If you want to go to bed at say 11, but he doesn't want to till 1 or 2 am, and he's got a fellow night owl friend nearby, then why not? P it can be quite lonely being a night out everyone's asleep.

I'm presuming you'd prefer him to just sit indoors by himself awake, or to mould his body clock to match yours? I'm guessing you wouldn't like staying up to one or two in the morning spending time together?

I'm a night owl, I usually go to sleep between 1-2, very rarely before midnight. It's not that unusual.

The only thing I'd be annoyed about is if you were feeling lonely because you want to spend time together, and I'd be annoyed about the door. Though I'm not sure why you can't just lock it on your way to bed, and the onus is on him to let himself back in - obviously let him know you'll be locking it so he can take a key!

Fair enough.

But if he wanted to (like OPs DH does) would you be OK with that?

If yes, fine.
If no, you're controlling.

I can't imagine a marriage where either the husband or wife wanted to be out 60% of the evenings, so I find this incredibly hard to answer as it's so alien to me.

When he gets up at 6, sometimes even before that, for work, I'd say it's not unreasonable to find staying out until early hours of the morning weird. And as stated in my op, I said that very often he sneaks out after I have gone to bed. So locking the door when I go to bed would be fairly pointless.

The not locking the door needs to stop. But he's is an adult he should be able to stay up late if he wants to. If you're already in bed it's clearly not affecting your time together, so surely the only issues are (a) where do you think something else is going on and he's not just seeing his mate, (b) leaving the door unlocked. Otherwise how does this affect you? It does seem strangely controlling to me.

But what is the actual problem? Aside from you finding it weird? (setting aside the door issue which I agree is unreasonable)

Well, DH and I are generally tucked up in bed by 10pm, but I still know that if he decided he wanted to take up a new hobby after I was asleep til 2am 4 times a week that I'd be fine with it as long as it didn't impact on our existing family and work commitments. (In DH's case it would more likely be badger, bat or owl watching or maybe astronomy than anything terribly wild).

Aside from being weird behaviour from a married man in his 30s, the fact he feels the need to sneak out once I'm in bed as if he's trying to hide the fact he's doing it, and the fact that if he does go while I'm awake he tells me he's only going to be 5 minutes, which as he has literally never only been 5 minutes he knows full well he's going to be there for hours. And as I said previously, this leads to the door locking issue, because he won't admit he's going to be hours so won't admit that there's a need to lock the door.

And to be clear, I think you have this image of our marriage where we have to write a permission slip if one of us wants to go down the shops.

He is off on a golfing trip to Portugal next month, I am off to New York shopping with sister in December, and meeting friends individually for coffee, dinner, lunch etc is a normal occurrence.

However, all that aside - I can't imagine either of us ever being happy with a hobby that meant leaving the house at 10pm 4 nights a week and returning in the early hours.

Especially one that sounds as shady as the OP's husband!

is there a history of him smoking weed or you two having arguments over it? This would explain why he’s there so much and so secretive if that’s what he’s doing and he knows it’s an issue. (Which it is)

It’s 100% not normal for a grown married man with a child to be sneaking out multiple times a week for hours on end and being cagey about it.

Do you actually know the friend he’s saying he visits and have you talked to them/had confirmation that what your partner says is true?

So would you be happy if he said "I'm off to my mate's house for a couple of hours" instead of sneaking out?

You haven't actually said why you don't like him spending this time at his mates house though, unless I've missed it?

I don't not like him spending time at his mates house. If he told me what he was doing, admittedly I would still find the staying out until early hours at his age weird, but I would be OK with it. It's the sneakiness about it.

He has always smoked weed way before I met him. Against my better judgement I didn't see a problem with it in our younger days. We don't argue about it now, he knows I think it's disgusting but we never argue about it and he could tell me if he was going to have a smoke and I wouldn't argue with him about it.

I assume he's sneaking about because he thinks it's easier than dealing with your attitude towards him wanting to spend time at his mates house. That might not be the best way for him to deal with it but if my OH decided that I couldn't go and see my mates even though it literally made no difference to him whatsoever, just because he decided it was 'weird', I'd be leaving for good, not sneaking around.

@Cantthinkofanamenow

You haven’t answered the question about if you know the “friend” exists and if you have actual proof that he’s going there.

Do you see the friend, have you ever dropped into conversation about their frequent nights together?

But if your DH did want to do something benign like badger, owl or bat watching 4 nights a week, after you were asleep, back by 2am, and was still on top of all his family and work commitments, would you have a problem eith that?

If I thought my DH was cheating or taking drugs or doing something illegal, I'd most certainly have issue with that, it'd be relationship ending. But if I thought he was like that thevrelatiobdhip would be over anyway.

But if he wanted to go out and pursue a perfectly reasonable hobby whilst I'm asleep, I wouldn't dream of telling him he can't.