Am I controlling?

[Cantthinkofanamenow]

Dh regularly goes out to his friends house 3 doors away from us until early hours of the morning 1/2am. He leaves the door unlocked which he knows I hate and makes me feel unsafe (we live in a very quiet area but you never know what could happen). He also always goes after I've gone to bed so it's almost as if he hopes i don't notice he's gone. For context we are in our 30s, have children, and both work (him full time). It never affects him getting up for work in the morning, or getting up with the dc but I just find it really odd for someone his age to do and sometimes makes me feel like I'm married to someone in their 20s being out half the night all the time. He says I'm controlling and it's no different to me seeing my friends in the daytime but I disagree. Am I controlling for not liking it?

I think it's been pretty unanimous that it's reasonable for OP to expect the door to be locked.

It’s fine and I’d probably do similar if my best mate lived on my street.

But I wouldn’t be happy with him keeping the door unlocked and I’d be telling him to take his key and making a point of locking the door once he’s gone out (then taking my time to unlock it if he forgets his key).

I assume you have 2 keys?
If not then he’s probably concerned about you being locked in.

It’s hard to say if you’re controlling - you’re either fine with it and his sneaking out is odd behaviour or you’re not fine with it which is why he feels he has to sneak around.

It's strange the he feels he has to sneak out, but then do you make a big deal out of it?
It it's not impacting you in any way, What's the issue?
Locking the door is just common sense. Why does he want it to be unlocked so anyone can come in with his family asleep? That's not safe and would be a hard no from me. I'd lock him out all night if he refused to lock the door and put us in danger.

I don't think it's normal for either the man or woman to be out 4 nights a week until the early hours when they are married with a family.

I mean if they are watching tv then yes that's different.

And OP is perfectly reasonable to lock the door if he won't.

When we were children our front door had a pad handle meaning when you pulled the UPVC front door shut, there is no way to pull the handle down on the outside, effectively "locking" you out but the door itself is not locked. The handle on the inside still had to be pulled down to open the door as normal.

You could also lock the door by pulling the interior handle upwards and turning the key. To get in the front door you had to use a key, every time. Like this

https://www.handlestore.com/d277-offset-pad-upvc-door-handles-240mm

You can get the door handle changed.

When people say things like we live in a nice area, this is why burglars go to these areas because you have nice things. He is leaving you unsafe. My friend had her door handle tried mid afternoon when lots of parents would be out doing the school run. My friends children are secondary aged otherwise she would have been out.

Luckily they have a great neighbourhood watch group and a house with a Ring door bell was able to capture them trying all the door handles of every house due to the position of her house.

He needs to lock the door and let you know if he isn't going to be in in case there is an emergency.

It doesn’t matter if it’s normal or not. He isn’t shirking his responsibilities. The OP said he gets up with the kids and has no issues getting up for work. How many times do we see on here women complaining at their other halves going out straight from work and conveniently missing dinner, bath and bedtime with the kids? This guy comes home to do all that with the kids and THEN wants to go out to see his mate.

I’m the biggest cynic of men going, but even I feel sorry for the bloke here. It sounds like you and the OP basically think he shouldn’t have a social life. Either person in a relationship is entitled to that - as long as both pull their weight at home and they still get family time. He waits until the kids and OP are in bed, so not taking away from family time at all, and STILL there are women on here saying he’s a jerk for this.

Unless there is reason to believe he is cheating, gambling, doing drugs, committing crimes, etc it is controlling to say he’s fine to sit downstairs watching tv til 1am but not allowed to go out with his friend til the same time.

I have already said the door locking is a separate issue, and he needs to lock up.

It would definitely affect my marriage if my DH was leaving the house for hours, hoping that I’m asleep and leaving the house unlocked. The shifty behaviour suggests that he’s up to no good

I disagree.

I am really sorry but is there anyway you could find out if he's in a sexual relationship with that man? Does his male friend have a wife you could speak with?

I personally would probably follow him out one night.

Whole situation is messed up and no man should ever be doing what he is doing. Youd think he would 100% want to lock the door, or be there all night anyway to protect and be with his wife and children

Clearly. Does your husband have to fill in a permission slip to leave the house? When is he allowed a social life?

Do you need permission too? Or is it a one way street? Let me guess, you’re a martyr who doesn’t want to go out, so you think he shouldn’t either?

I have been crystal clear that I think it's important to have your own time.

I don't have an issue with hobbies, nights out, meeting friends, or even mini holidays without your spouse.

But nobody will convince me a man or woman should be leaving the family home four times a week until the early hours of the morning.

"But nobody will convince me a man or woman should be leaving the family home four times a week until the early hours of the morning."

The OP did not specify how often, she just said 'regularly'

But why? They're going out after their partner is asleep, so not impacting family time. It's exactly the same as the getting up extra early to go for a run example I gave.

If you genuinely would stop your partner participating in their hobby despite it not impacting on your whatsoever, and them still fully maintaining their commitments just because "I don't think that's normal' (aka I don't want to do it so you're not allowed to), then yes, you're controlling.

Hopefully she can clarify.

I wouldn't stop them participating in their hobbies.

I haven't read the full thread, just the OP's posts.

Sometimes it's good to turn a problem round.
Would he think it reasonable if, after he went to bed, you often 'nipped out' for hours to a friend's house? I suspect he wouldn't like it.
Far from you being controlling, I think you have every right to talk to him about this; it's more the behaviour of a teenager than a 30-odd-year-old married man.

Obviously him leaving the front door unlocked is wrong, and I can't see any reason for a responsible husband and father to do that.

That’s really weird.

I think you need to work out if he’s actually going 3 doors down. The sneaking out at night is really, really bizarre. Is he definitely not having an affair? With Fred or someone else who lives close by?

Frowned upon, but I would go through his phone.

So what about if he’s meeting his friend to do his hobby? Eg gaming, going for a long walk/bike ride/run, binge watching then discussing their favourite shows/movies, a book club, playing board games, etc.

You say you wouldn’t stop a partner doing their hobby, but you’ve said you don’t want them going out when you’re in bed sleeping like in the OP’s case - so does it depend on the hobby or does it depend on the time? If he were going to the gym late at night then not back til 12/1am is that ok?

What is the hang up with not wanting your partner to go out til that sort of time if it impacts you and family life in no way? I would completely understand it if it meant he couldn’t get up for night wake ups, was struggling with work, was napping at bath & kids bedtime so he could go out later. If he were coming back at 11pm is that ok? I’m trying to understand what the issue actually is, because I don’t think you even know, you just know you wouldn’t like it. That’s controlling.

Omgod sorry, you said ‘friend is a Man’. I thought he was called Fred for some reason 🤣

I don't think we are going to agree here, so probably best leaving it.

So you'd be fine with this man participating in his hobby of gaming/socialising with his friend 4 nights a week til the early hours? That's a complete U-turn on what you said! Make up your mind!

No, I think a hobby that takes up 4 nights out of 7 when you are married with kids would be too much.

Is it gaming, poker, weed, is he bi and they’re having an affair? What time does he sneak out?

As a Londoner I find non self-locking front doors a bizarre concept. Just lock him out.

Why can't the friend come to your house