Am I controlling?

[Cantthinkofanamenow]

Dh regularly goes out to his friends house 3 doors away from us until early hours of the morning 1/2am. He leaves the door unlocked which he knows I hate and makes me feel unsafe (we live in a very quiet area but you never know what could happen). He also always goes after I've gone to bed so it's almost as if he hopes i don't notice he's gone. For context we are in our 30s, have children, and both work (him full time). It never affects him getting up for work in the morning, or getting up with the dc but I just find it really odd for someone his age to do and sometimes makes me feel like I'm married to someone in their 20s being out half the night all the time. He says I'm controlling and it's no different to me seeing my friends in the daytime but I disagree. Am I controlling for not liking it?

Is his friend a woman?

So he sneaks out late at night and stays out until the early hours of the next morning?

What on earth is he doing at his friend's home in the middle of the night?

Are you sure that is where he is going?

I'd put a key on a piece of string and hang it round his neck and lock the door. But I think the whether the door is locked or not is not the issue here.

Friend is a man. I think that's where he's going, obviously I can't say 100% but his car is always still at home so he can't be going far.

I completely understand why you dont like this , and ifs definitely a bit odd so easily seen as suspicious but, assuming this is genuinely just 2 men who are both night owls, it is a bit controlling to want him to stop.

However, I think you are perfectly reasonable to ask him not to leave door unlocked and to do it in a way that doesn't make you feel unsafe.

He is a married man with responsibilities to his wife and children. I don't think it's normal for him to sneak out after you have gone tobed. He certainly doesn't care about you or his children's safety if he leaves the door unlocked.

I would say that if his reaction to you, quite rightly, not being happy with his unreasonable and uncaring behaviour, is to call you controlling, then there is definitely something going on . Whether it is whatever he is getting up to with his friend - is this friend a family man as well or does he live alone? Or else he is going to someone else's house, perhaps nearby, or getting picked up by someone.

Have you talked to his friend? I assume though if it is a close friend , he will alibi your H.

At the very least you should lock the door when he goes out. Tell him in advance to give him the opportunity to take his key.

It does seem odd - but if he’s genuinely going round to see his friend (are they gamers? If so, it highly likely they are gaming til the wee hours) he needs to lock up behind him. It is controlling of you to try to stop it.

However, you presumably tell him when you’re going out, because you have children. So he should be telling you when he’s going out! It certainly feels like he’s sneaking out - but is that because he is hiding something nefarious or because you are controlling and won’t let him go otherwise?

Have you asked him where he goes and what they are doing? Do you have any reason to think he is not with his friend? If he’s still getting up, pulling his weight, etc I don’t see what the issue is, unless you think he’s cheating on you?

Won't let him? I have absolutely no way of stopping him nor would I try. The only reason I can think for the sneaking out is because he knows I won't believe him when he tells me he's just popping round there for 5 minutes (because he always tells me he's just popping round there for 5 minutes and is there for hours) and I'll ask him to lock the door and he doesn't like that.

Yeah this is a bit odd. Do you know the friend he’s saying he’s visiting? Do you know he’s definitely going there?

How often is "regularly?"

Fine for him to go to his mate's house IMO but he needs to lock the door if you don't like it being open. Aside from the door issue, why do you care that he's going if it doesn't stop him meeting his responsibilities?

It is controlling to expect him to stop doing something that has no impact on you whatsoever.

It really isn't controlling!

The marriages some of you must lead!

Why does he want to do that?! Or at least so often and so late. That's a weird behaviour imo.

Presumably he sneaks out to avoid a fuss from you.
If that’s genuinely where he’s going, and it doesn’t affect you or parenting the kids, then yes you are being controlling.
It’s perfectly reasonable of you to insist the door is locked though.

Do DC still wake at night? Is there any difference between him being sat downstairs or out?

If you don't need him to be there and it's not affecting you then I see no issue but he should tell you he's going and lock the door, that bit is odd!

Is he going round there to game and smoke weed or something?
Is this friend single and living on his own ?
Its all a bit odd but I’m not sure you can stop him, I’d want to understand why he’s going through.

Why doesn't he like you asking him to lock the door? Why on earth does he think it's okay to leave it unlocked when his wife and children are sleeping and have no idea he's even gone?! DP locks the door when he goes to the garage at night and we're in on our own. That's the strangest bit about this situation for me.

Have you asked him why they don't just talk on the phone ? If he is actually going to his friends house in the middle of the night they must be doing something that requires his physical presence there.

It's reasonable for you to ask him to lock the foir assuming it does actually make you feel unsafe.

It's not reasonable (and is controlling) for you to try to stop him socialising with his friend for however long he likes whilst you're asleep on the basis that it isn't causing issues with his work or parenting responsibilities.

If he’s going when you’re in bed anyway, I wouldn’t care. However I would insist he lock the door behind him. He’s a bloody idiot to just leave the door unlocked with his family inside.

The marriages some of you must lead where one grown adult needs to seek approval/permission from another grown adult to see their friends when they are not needed for home, family or work responsibilities! So dysfuntional and controlling. Luckily I have a happy marriage of two respectful independant adults!

I agree controlling isn't good, but a grown man with kids leaving the family home several times a week until the early hours of the morning is not normal in the world I live in.

He needs to lock the door and needs to let you know what he is doing in the middle of the night.

I am quite envious of his energy. I am amazed that after full time work and parenting that he was to go out in the middle of the night. I am an early bird though

Thank god you said this, sometimes I think I live in a parallel universe when I read some responses on this site.
If my OH was leaving the house in the middle of the night and insisting the front door be left unlocked (which is so bizarre), the front door would be getting locked behind him permanently.

I just don't understand.

My husband and I have different hobbies, days out, and even weekends away.

But the thought of one of us sneaking out of the marital home 3/4 times a week until the early hours and it being considered "normal" is beyond my comprehension!