Am I controlling?

[Cantthinkofanamenow]

Dh regularly goes out to his friends house 3 doors away from us until early hours of the morning 1/2am. He leaves the door unlocked which he knows I hate and makes me feel unsafe (we live in a very quiet area but you never know what could happen). He also always goes after I've gone to bed so it's almost as if he hopes i don't notice he's gone. For context we are in our 30s, have children, and both work (him full time). It never affects him getting up for work in the morning, or getting up with the dc but I just find it really odd for someone his age to do and sometimes makes me feel like I'm married to someone in their 20s being out half the night all the time. He says I'm controlling and it's no different to me seeing my friends in the daytime but I disagree. Am I controlling for not liking it?

Not really because if she is awake she could luck it herself and if she is asleep and he is back before she gets up, it may have been locked

She is saying he is going out when she is asleep and leaving the door unlocked. How does she actually know this if she is asleep?

Im just asking.

And if she is awake, just lock it? He is a disgrace putting you and your family’s safety at risk. Lock the door if you wake up and find it open.

Well i think OP makes it quite clear in a few of her posts that she is very aware when he goes out. Also that she has asked him to lock the door and he won't.

But I agree with you he is putting his whole family at risk and she should lock it.

It's his breathtaking absolute lack of concern for the safety of his family I cant get over. Plus I really don't understand how he can be functioning on so little sleep - something else must be going on.

If he’s routinely smoking weed and or drinking overnight then he is not fit to drive in the morning. That and the unlocked door are not on. I also get why you are uncomfortable with the whole situation. It’s odd behaviour for someone in a relationship.

That's not really the issue though is it, it's far more complicated.
For one...he sneaks out at least once but usually several times a week.
He is gone for hours, lying to his wife when he says he will only be gone for 5 minutes.
His wife is not 100% sure he is where he says he is....so actually, he could be anywhere doing anything, all behind her back.
He is taking drugs on a regular basis, even though he knows his wife is disgusted with that.

The fact he refuses to lock the door is a separate issue...that alone would be a deal breaker for me. Any man who can continuously and deliberately put his young wife and children in a vulnerable position is not a good husband and father.

He is being a total dick leaving you and the kids with the door unlocked for hours.

That's your most pressing issue. I'd say I don't care if it's five seconds lock the door.

Less black and white is why is he behaving like this? What's he really doing there? If you're confident it's nothing more than chats with weed and he's not impacted the next day then why not I guess.

That's a really good post
@NovemberMorn

Sums the issues up very clearly.

I know the door is unlocked because sometimes I wake up in the night when he's gone and go downstairs to see if he's there/if the door is locked and it never is

Why don't you just lock the door then. Turn of the doorbell, go back to bed and let him see how stupid it is not to take a key ;-)

My mum passed away when i was 7 and my sister 5. My Dad worked 6 days a week and was our sole caregiver so had very few opportunities to socialise & i can only imagine he was very lonely ontop of the grief. Our neighbour a few doors down would pop in late on in the evening once a week (i always remember him knocking on the window rather than ring the doorbell as we were meant to be asleep!) he had four children similar ages and younger than us and a wife plus had his own business but would sit with my Dad with a few beers and a laugh and chat until very late. My dad is 75, long remarried and happy etc and not one for discussing emotions on any level but is still in touch with said neighbour having moved away a long time ago and will go as far to say ‘he was always a very good friend to me when i really needed one’ could it be a similar situation here?

The sneaking is pretty odd. However, the not locking the door bit is completely unreasonable. Assuming you both have a set of keys? I'd say if he wants to keep doing the habit of not locking the door behind him, then you'll need to get the door replaced with one that locks automatically when he goes (and obvs he can take keys with him, I'm not saying to lock him out). I would hate to wait up in the middle of the night and find a door to my house unlocked.

By ‘leaves the house unlocked’ do you mean he doesn’t do the full nightly drawing up the drawbridge and bolting the door from inside? Otherwise, why on earth doesn’t he take a key?

I’d lock it then and maybe he will get the message. Selfish man.

He could easily be elsewhere if someone else was coming to pick him up.

if there’s any pattern to what he’s doing I’d ask a friend of yours to watch and wait outside to find out where he goes

The leaving the door unlocked is unreasonable of him, but there are lots of ways that could be sorted (a smart lock might work well, for example).

You trying to stop him going out when you are home asleep and he's not needed for something he's responsible for, would be controlling, yes. (Which doesn't mean you have to accept it - if he's having an affair or something, I would recommend you leave him).

Honestly wouldn’t bother me in the absolute slightest. We all need to socialise and it isn’t affecting his parenting or work. However, leaving the door unlocked is an absolute no no for me, anyone could walk in the house and take one of your kids. Absolutely not acceptable at all.

I wouldn’t like this.

I can’t imagine waking up and coming downstairs at 1am to find my DH, who was previously sitting on the sofa watching TV, gone.

It would really unsettle me and I couldn’t live like that.

Many years ago when i was still at home our neighbour had this very same problem.
They was not married long story short it was his bit on the side.
Both men are still togerther today.
My mother loved it, they wanted to be together but niether one wanted to come out at the time.
The neighbour moved away it was his house anyway, his lover moved in and they have been family friends for decads.
Lovely couple.

Prob playing Mario cart with a friend. In my experience men never grow up!

Very weird. Why is he sneaking out late at night? I would think he's either gay (shags his mate), has an affair with someone or goes to prostitutes. Also, he is putting you in danger by leaving door unlocked. You need to do some detectice work to figure out what the hell is going on.

This is so weird OP. I love my friends but we get together at normal times not after other people have gone to bed.

Does the friend live alone? If he has a partner what do they think?

Not locking the door or taking a key is infuriating. I get mad when the kids do it and they are considerably younger than your DH.

Also calling you controlling is total deflection. Wanting a partner who behaves like a partner is not controlling. If he wants to go out half the night while you're in bed he should be single and live alone.

Slinking off like a weirdo? I wouldn't like it.

As someone who used to smoke a lot of weed, I understand why he's going round there so late and so regularly. Weed smokers like to stay up late and smoke, and it's not like he can do that at home with kids in the house and a wife who doesn't like it.
So, I don't actually find it weird at all from that perspective.

However, I stopped smoking when I had kids, and it's not unreasonable for you not to like it. I wouldn't like my partner to do this within a marriage. He needs to grow up now.

I am not married and still wouldn’t like this. I have many married friends including a neighbour who lives across the hall from me and I am often up very late.

However if my neighbour started coming over multiple times a night after 11pm to hangout with me, I’d find it weird she wanted to spend so much of her free time with me considering we are all grown working professional adults in our 30s. Not students.

And btw even if you or he thinks it’s not affecting his performance in daily duties , it probably is. Sleep deprivation affects most people. And there could be long term issues if he doesn’t sort it out.

I would wonder what’s the attraction with this friend? what exactly are they doing? Drugs? Watching porn? Hooking up with women?

So lock the door.