Am I controlling?

[Cantthinkofanamenow]

Dh regularly goes out to his friends house 3 doors away from us until early hours of the morning 1/2am. He leaves the door unlocked which he knows I hate and makes me feel unsafe (we live in a very quiet area but you never know what could happen). He also always goes after I've gone to bed so it's almost as if he hopes i don't notice he's gone. For context we are in our 30s, have children, and both work (him full time). It never affects him getting up for work in the morning, or getting up with the dc but I just find it really odd for someone his age to do and sometimes makes me feel like I'm married to someone in their 20s being out half the night all the time. He says I'm controlling and it's no different to me seeing my friends in the daytime but I disagree. Am I controlling for not liking it?

Where does she say 4 nights a week ? How often does he actually go ? Regularly is quite open to interpretation.

The OP says it does not impact on her or family life at all. Why shouldn’t he spend time with his friend?

Frankly, it depends what they’re doing

gaming, watching tv, playing cards, lifting weights, I could live with it

taking drugs, gambling for money, having sex, watching porn - no. All those things are going to affect the marriage and the family in the long run

its the fact that any of these could be going on that is unsettling

the door thing is ridiculous on his part

It's not about spending time with his friend .
It's about regularly sneaking out after he thinks OP is asleep.
It's about leaving the house unlocked during the night while sha and his children are in their beds.
Do you really think this is normal behaviour or the behaviour of a man who cares about his wife and children?

Don't waste your breath I have tried.

Yes the Cool Wives are out in force. Again.

You are not being controlling - he is. He is forcing you to live with a situation that makes you feel upset and unsafe.

I also find it utterly weird and suspicious that he is going out that often and at that time of night.

He is gaslighting you 100%

They are indeed.

I am not one of them - but thankfully I don't have a "cool" husband either.

A really strange one. He obviously wants to keep seeing his friend - are they gaming until the small hours?
I feel a few nights a week is a bit much of leaving you and your children alone at night in an unlocked house - how about one night a week and definitely lock the door in the night.
Your DH sounds like a teenager! Sorry you're having to deal with this. Completely on your side but I feel your DH won't listen and twist it into it being a 'you' problem.

And why the fuck can't the stupid idiot take a door key with him? Why are you expected to leave the house unlocked when you are sleeping? Selfish arsehole.

What on earth? What if there’s an emergency and OP is home alone and this man is somewhere up the road, probably also in no state to help, drive, etc.

What a great partner.

What now, she’s a grown up. She down need him there all the time. He works, what if there’s an emergency then, good grief.

My DH is very social and I'm not so it's not a sacrifice for me to stay home with the kids.

He can go whenever but I would be very worried if he started SNEAKING out after I've gone to bed. Worried because it would be unlike him to be so inconsiderate as to not tell your other half where you are going and when you will be back. Basic courtesy unless you got something to hide. I'm thinking weed+gooning..

I don't agree with him sneaking out the house, leaving the door unlocked, nor are you controlling, this might be his normal, wouldn't be mine, there's something far more important to him than his family! I wouldn't put up with this, before the cheaters pounce 😂 I'm very happy that my DH visits some of his family on his own for a week or so and also has the odd few days holiday with a good friend of his

You wouldn't want your husband out multiple times a week until the early hours of the morning?

You controlling old witch.

Come and join us cool wives.

But that’s completely different than what’s happening, why are you comparing?

When he’s at work OP knows where he is, plus (presumably) it is usually during the day where everyone is doing other things. A man sneaking out after his family has gone to sleep is weird as hell.

Oh, I see. He has to ask your permission and check with you how many nights a week he's allowed a hobby, even though you're fast asleep and it makes no difference to you at all. And you don't see that you're controlling...

I'll ask once again, if the hobby was going for a long run for marathon training at 5am whilst you were asleep so that it didn't impact his parenting, family and work commitments, would it still be vetoed by you? Would he still need to beg for your permission? Would he still be "sneaking" out?

I’d want to know what he’s up to tbh. Someone I know used to sneak out late at night (he would sometimes go to bed and get back up when his wife was asleep, or he thought she was) and he was walking to his other woman’s house which was ten mins walk away. He claimed he was out walking to clear his head because “mental health”.

Nobody has to ask any permission, we just wouldn't do a hobby that took up over 50% of nights.

She knows where he is, three doors down, probably closer, quicker and easier to get hold of than when he's at work. And since everyone is asleep, the chances of an accident or emergency are going to be significantly reduced.

Asking yet again about the early morning marathon running...

(I presume you're not answering as it shows how unjustifiable your position is and what a controlling stance you are taking...)

Sorry I didn't mean to ignore, I wouldn't have an issue with the morning run.

Sorry, this is dickhead behaviour. Children in the house... YOU asleep in the house and the bloody door is unlocked? Apart from the odd nocturnal neighbourly visits.... which in my mind would be OK at the weekend... what sort of job does he do? Does he have to drive for work?

Is he maybe smoking weed?

Emergency?

She’s a grown woman who should be able to take care of herself.

Should they never leave each others side in case there is an emergency?

What on earth is gooning? Help... I'm old...