Am I controlling?

[Cantthinkofanamenow]

Dh regularly goes out to his friends house 3 doors away from us until early hours of the morning 1/2am. He leaves the door unlocked which he knows I hate and makes me feel unsafe (we live in a very quiet area but you never know what could happen). He also always goes after I've gone to bed so it's almost as if he hopes i don't notice he's gone. For context we are in our 30s, have children, and both work (him full time). It never affects him getting up for work in the morning, or getting up with the dc but I just find it really odd for someone his age to do and sometimes makes me feel like I'm married to someone in their 20s being out half the night all the time. He says I'm controlling and it's no different to me seeing my friends in the daytime but I disagree. Am I controlling for not liking it?

No I guess I don't have actual proof he's there. I know the friend exists and that they're quite good friends so I think he is there at least some of the time but I suppose I can't say for sure that he's there every time. However the car is always left here and there isn't really anywhere else in walking distance for him to go as we live in the middle of nowhere really. I know this isn't definitive proof.

I wouldn't like it 4 nights a week, but our set up is very different to the OP.

If it was something that dull and he was passionate about it, I suppose I wouldn't mind him doing a couple of nights per week.

But tbh the OP's husband doesn't sound like he is badger watching!

It's bizarre to continuously tell you partner you will be back in 5 minutes, and come back hours later.

Interesting you'd only allow your DH 2 nights a week, despite it having no impact whatsoever on you. You might want to reflect on that.

Look, there may well be other issues in OPs relationship, but she's focussing on the wrong thing. If she thinks he's doing something he shouldn't that's a problem that needs addressing. And he should lock the bloody door!

But it would have impact on me, as we don't live the life OP does.

I think OP has explained really well why she is unhappy with what her H is doing.
I think her feeling unhapoy about his behaviour is very valid

I really don't understand the posters in this thread who are telling her she is unreasonable and who are bending over backwards to defend behaviour which in most marriages or relationships would be deemed strange. And selfish: if OP's reasoning about why he leaves the door unlocked is correct it shows how little he gives a damn about his families welfare.

Given also that OP says he has to be up at 6 a m for work i would be interested to know how on earth he is actually managing on so little sleep. And if he is driving to work after so little sleep is he actually safe to do so. Especially if he has been smoking dope into the early hours.

Maybe you are feeling a bit left out and not prioritised by him. That might make you feel like asking him to stop going round. If so, let him know and maybe you could go somewhere together. You need to have fun too

Doesn't mean they're not shagging though. Or gaming. Or gaming after shagging. To be fair, that's probably a lot of bloke's perfect evening.

This isn't about them having fun together. It's about him wanting to stay up late with his friend when the OP is fast asleep. She misses no quality time with her husband because of this. Presumably she goes to bed quite early from the sound of it. It might be quite lonely being a night owl married to someone who goes to sleep quite early. He needs to be honest and also lock the door though.

Yes, i understand. Just giving another perspective on why it might irritate her so much even though shes not directly effected (other than the door being unlocked)

Him leaving the door unlocked would not be a discussion in my house.
I would tell him if he leaves it unlocked, I would lock and bolt it after him....and it would stay that way till morning.

Whatever he is or is not doing at his 'mates' house....a big issue for me would be why my husband preferred the company of a male friend, several times a week for hours at a time, rather than his wife's.

I would imagine it would depend entirely on if he was telling OP he was just popping out for 5 minutes and then buggering off for hours leaving the door unlocked.

Your DH does not care about you, your safety or the safety of your children. but he’s got you thinking you’re controlling and you are the problem. You’re being gaslighted here and he is taking you for a fool. So what if he leaves the car at home, he could be walking down the road and calling an uber or getting picked up by someone. It could be any number of things as others have said. The neighbour could be an alibi or they could be involved in something nefarious together. You can’t control what he does but you can control if you want to put up with it. I would be locking the door behind him and if he doesn’t take a key he will have to come back in the morning. Even if he says he’ll be 5 minutes if it’s at night the door would be getting locked. I find the unlocked door the most disturbing thing. I can’t believe you would put your children at risk like this. As you don’t even know what he is doing, where he is going, or who is involved, I would be concerned he is bringing people into the house whilst you and the children are asleep or letting others know the door is unlocked. At worst you are leaving yourself and your kids vulnerable to abuse. At best he is doing something he doesn’t want to share with you and is happy to leave you and your kids in a vulnerable position to do it.

I love my husband dearly, but absolutely I'd prefer to spend time with an awake friend than stare at my sleeping husband for hours on end 😂.

I’d lock the door, do it once and let him find out.

Set your alarm, get up and lock the door.

Fuck him!

I was in a relationship with someone who would go and hang out with his male friend, whom I really liked as it happens, two or three evenings a week. Turns out they were shagging. I had no idea until he confessed one day. It was such a shock.

Whether it is cocaine or cottaging, he needs to lock the door.

I know it’s not the point but what is it with these front doors that don’t automatically lock when you close them? What is the thinking? In all the places i’ve lived in nearly 60 years, you would need a key to enter a closed front door from the outside. I don’t understand why they would ever be designed differently.

Leaving that aside, @Cantthinkofanamenow - his failure to lock the front door is completely unacceptable. And, not to alarm you, but i think the risk is greater if you live somewhere quiet than if you live somewhere busy. He needs to take a key - if he’s grown up enough to be out then, he’s grown up enough to take a key - and stop being so careless of his family’s safety.

Could he be bi and he’s more than a friend ? Is the friend single?

I mean he’s hooked on weed or nicotine maybe - of course he’s gonna be just 5 minutes, he’s only going to have one!

But he can’t leave until just one more, just one more, last one as I’ll never get another for at least a day probably more.

He’s lying to himself as much as you here. Probably does need to recognise this, but doubt he will.

Obviously, I can’t be 100% sure but I’d bet on it. Experience- pretending to cut back on cigarettes- nicotine only though!

Best of luck OP.

I would be concerned he is bringing people into the house whilst you and the children are asleep or letting others know the door is unlocked.

I didn't want to say this, so am glad you did. I mean, it's not wildly likely but neither is it impossible. We've been finding out it happens more than we thought.

I regularly go to my friend over the road until after midnight. I don’t sneak out though but I generally do intend to come back earlier and get carried away gossiping, catching up and having a wine and some tea. Her husband works nights so I go when he’s on nights….i do however take a key.

In a situation like this I would just have a conversation with him. Explain that whilst you do find it a little odd, you accept he needs less sleep than you and wants to see his mate. You acknowledge the fact that it seems not to affect his ability to get up and do his job. But ask him to be honest with you that he is likely to be gone several hours so will lock the door if you are already in bed and unable to do so. You accepted he smoked weed when you got with him so it is probably hard to object now other than the example it might set your children but presumably they are currently unaware and at least he is keeping it away from them.

How do you know the door is unlocked?

There is something weird going on here.

Seriously?

Can't you work out how OP knows the door is unlocked?

OP has said it is once a week at least and sometimes more so I think the 4 times per week is incorrect