Starting a fourth thread when I hoped three would be enough

[PithyBeaker]

really hoped I wouldn’t need this but looks like I do

He used your PTSD to guilt trip you to get back together and move him back in. He doesn’t even see the irony that you likely stick with him so long because of your PTSD making you question yourself and also it sounds like some trauma bonding between you two.

honestly you know it’s done when the thought of being single the rest of your life is better than the alternative. You won’t be though, you’re a catch and will be fending them off if you started dating again.

and again I guarantee he is on the apps. If you downloaded the app and were nearby, you’d find him on it very quickly. But don’t bother obvs, he’s not worth any effort after all you’ve done for him.

Except I feel utterly heartbroken and devastated. Yay. Crying on my own on the sofa w a glass of wine like a total fucking loser. I feel miserable.

It’s such a horrible feeling, isn’t it, when you know he’s not going to change- but what if he does? What if he suddenly realised what he’s losing just as I block him so he might desperately want to show me how much he loves me and he can’t!? What if the next thing I send him is the thing that actually lands so that he understands!?

The saddest thing is that those things won’t happen. He already understands your point, but he will never ever agree that your point is valid. I still see my ex doing it now, with our dc- he’ll say “I see her point, I get it, BUT [insert reason why dc just needs to stop making him feel bad for whatever dumbass thing he’s done to her room or whatever]”. His point of view is the only valid one in the world.

Chin up chick. You’ve done so much, you’re so strong, you’re your own hero (and mine too), and you WILL get to the happy ending you deserve- that’s where you and your son are content together in your home, and as he gets older you find a path you will happily walk alone, or with someone you choose every day to be with. (If I can find that, you can definitely find it, or an equivalent.)

Sorry Pithy, cross posted with your updates. . Sending gentle hugs for now. This is probably the hardest bit, but it will pass. And be better afterwards.

Crying on your clean sofa in your clean house, that is quiet and peaceful for you and your son. Have a good cry, enjoy your wine. Tomorrow is a new day and you are well rid of him.

And now you start to heal. It isn't easy. But it is better.

I'm so sorry that the man you gave so much to, who you invested in, who you thought was worthy of your time and your effort and your love, has turned out to be so unworthy and ungrateful.

I'm so sorry that he saw you more as a housing provider than a partner.

I'm so sorry that he disrespected you so much that he that he could not be bothered to teach his children how to behave considerately in your home.

And I'm so sorry that he disrespected his own children so much that he could not be bothered to teach them how to behave considerately, even in what they must have considered their home half the time.

I'm so sorry that his own lack of self respect, perspective and self-reflection meant he never thought you were worthy of his consideration.

He was never worthy of your time, energy or love. And I'm so sorry that he deceived you into thinking he was.

You deserve someone worthy. Because you are worthy.

And that’s ok - this is the end of a long relationship and you’re allowed to feel sad.
Have the wine, have a cry and allow yourself to feel sad.
If it helps, maybe say that you will give yourself till Friday to be immersed in the sadness, but the Bank Holiday weekend is the official start of the next phase, so whilst of course you feel sad, if you find yourself having a wobble you will take a moment to remind yourself of all the reasons why he wasn’t right and all the good things that have happened since he left?

You have been incredibly strong and brave. It’s totally ok to feel vulnerable and sad - you had strong feelings for this man, but he does not deserve you or your time anymore.

You’ve ‘lost’ someone who didn’t respect you or your home @PithyBeaker

Think about the peace and self respect you have won even if it doesn’t feel like it just yet - it will.

You might well wake up tomorrow feeling like a new woman- or clearer headed but exhausted. You’ll be releasing massive amounts of cortisol and other stress hormones in your tears. You have been functioning on adrenaline and determination for years.

You may feel a bit of residual anxiety, that he’s going to pop up somewhere unexpected. The thing is, your body has been trained, programmed, practised at facilitating the chaos that he made of your home. It may take a while to adjust to a new normal. Hell, you may even get bored! But you will adjust. 💐

I'm sorry that you're going through this , but you need to grieve the relationship , you were fully invested for years. Your tears are valid and understandable.
You're sad because you cared about him and although he's a manipulative pos this was real for you because you're a good person.

You did a good thing op. You're looking after yourself and your son.

Oh lovely! Read back all his stuff, it's really NOT a mistake x

P.S. Crying in your wine will water it down! Silly Billy!

Edited to add the P.S

You’re not a loser, @PithyBeaker . It’s just that your self worth emotionally is out of kilter with your self worth materially and practically. You have a misplaced sense of responsibility based on what you can provide for this man in material terms. And he knows this and has taken advantage of this. Because your emotional self is too willing to give the goods away for a few crumbs of affection and appreciation, he’s been setting a trail of crumbs for you to follow until you are hooked back in. You know in your heart that you deserve so much better and that you have a lot to give that should be reciprocated in kind, not sneered at and then used against you to emotionally blackmail you. This is the pain before the healing, but you will heal.

Amazing!
There was nothing left to say. Nothing he can say to change your mind. Nothing you could say to stop him harassing you. I’d block his Mum too.

Its ok to feel sad. This is another step towards better times but its ok to mourn the guy you wanted him to be.

Just remember that the guy you wanted him to be isn't the guy you're blocking, its an ideal version he never was.

Of course you feel like this. Devastated. That's normal and to be expected.
You need to remember that these feelings are temporary. They will pass and life does not end here. The nonsense will. You have learnt a lot.and you have been strong and brave to deal with stuff rather than kick the can down the road.
Might be worth reaching out to people here who have been through this devastation and use this thread to see what strategies helped them cope and how they began to heal and feel ok again.
You absolutely have done the right thing. But it doesn't make it easy. You just going to find a new way or being happy.

Well done OP, and massive hugs. Of course you are crying - you are mourning what you wished he could have been (but wasn't). Give yourself a big hug, sob into the pillows, and remember it will all heal with time.

Sometimes when I wonder if I have done the right thing it helps to look back at what happened and how it might have gone differently. Imagine this: if he was the massive catch he thinks he is, he would have tidied up, listened to you, not called you abusive names (etc etc - he's done too many shit things to list here!). You would be happy, and you wouldn't have posted on mumsnet. The fact that what actually happened is that you got to the point of asking him to move out (despite still loving him - remember how much you defended him on thread one) shows that the relationship was actually a bad one. You have not made a mistake in ending it. You might feel miserable right now, but by god woman you are so strong and sensible!!

It will pass Pithy, it’s the last push ❤️

Just to add, you’re not a loser for having feelings about the breakdown of a long term relationship.

A little confused here, what message have you sent? You say you can't block him because you still need to get his stuff back to him. I know this is all hard and he has you tied up in knots, but what's the actual status of things?

Look, even in the worst situations there can be tears. I, and many other women who have been in abusive marriages/relationships have bawled like babies when we made that final call or sent that final text. Or, considering my age, wrote that final 'Dear John' letter and dropped it in the mailbox.

Why? It's the death of the dream. It's not the loss of the man himself, oh no! We each one of us had a dream of what our life would be like with that man. And it's devastating to realize that the dream was false and that the man we thought he was, was not who they really were. So weep, sweetheart, grieve the loss of the dream. But not the loss of the man. You'll soon know and feel the difference.

And remember there are always new dreams out there. You will find yours. And because of this experience, you are wiser and your new dream will be rooted in reality.

Not sure what wasn’t clear but this is what I sent. Now blocked.

I have thought about this and I believe this relationship has run its course. We aren’t good for each other anymore and we have no future as a couple. You spend every spare ounce of your energy trying to break me down and convince me to let you move back in eventually, even though I’ve been so clear it’s not what I want or need. I’ve had enough. Staying in contact with you has brought me no peace or comfort, rather the opposite, and I must prioritise my own peace and comfort. You can collect the rest of your possessions on Wednesday or Thursday this week, between 12-2, as you prefer. Please don’t respond except to let me know Wednesday or Thursday. I wish nothing but peace, joy and happiness to you and your family. I feel confident in time we will all be happier for this, however hard it is now.

@PithyBeaker

I think that's a great message.

I'm hoping you plan to have someone with you when he comes to get his stuff.

If you feel unsure and heartbroken and need some strength go back and read your first post and read the difference.

Your first post was an exhausted woman who hated her home and was being completely used. It will remind you what you had put up with.

You have survived much much worse so don’t let this CF destroy you as you are amazing 🤩

Have someone there with you to step in in case he tries to verbally harass or abuse you. Have no contact with him otherwise. If he comes over to plead his case, you're going to have to tell him to leave. He uses access to you to fuck with your mental health in hopes of breaking you and letting him and his brood take over your home again. Right now you're wallowing because you've realized he's not going to change into the man you want and he's not going to have a mutual relationship with you. He only wants a relationship where you give until there's nothing left.

He rushed you into moving in when you wouldn't buy with him after mere months. He then objected to paying rent because he was stretched and you were okay with that. He started calling you a cunt and you put up a strong boundary at that. He disrespected your home and taught his kids to disrespect it too, along with some issues with your son and his kids. He insisted his kids spend a lot of time there while wanting your son out of the home.

Do you see how he pushed boundaries with you from very early in your relationship? He will continue that behaviour as long as you have any contact with him.

There are men out there who want a relationship with mutual give and take, not just take take take until their partner is utterly drained. But right now is time to refocus and rebuild a new norm with your son.