Starting a fourth thread when I hoped three would be enough

[PithyBeaker]

really hoped I wouldn’t need this but looks like I do

Good for you! X

Well done Pithy. You’ve done the right thing - for all of you actually - even though it will take a little while to feel like that. Try to keep hold of all of the reasons you got here, and keep reminding yourself of them when it gets tough.

definitely agree it might be worth having someone about for moral support when he gets the last of his things. Then you can have another think about that pottery studio (or anything else you’ve thought of in the mean time!)

we are all rooting for you, you’ve been so amazing. X

Gracious as ever. Well done

Well done @PithyBeaker , now you need to make lots of arrangements with your son , family and friends so that you aren’t dwelling on it . Good luck

Well done. Must have taken everything you had, but you've done very well.

Well handled, @PithyBeaker

I hope you have someone big and burly who can be with you on Wednesday or Thursday between 12 -2

Then you can truly begin to heal. It will be cold aand lonely at first at times but it will get better.

Most of all, you've done the right thing for your boy as well as yourself. Take it from one who knows; watching your parent get pressured and manoevered into slowly ejecting you from the family hurts like nothing else.

You've done the right thing.

Please can someone link thread 1? 🙏 Thank you

@PithyBeaker , the end of any relationship hurts. We grieve more for what might have been than for what actually was.

Unfortunately there's no shortcut here, we just have to go through the pain.

But you are definitely not a loser. You tried your hardest to make it work, but once you realised it wouldn't, you took action.

Even then you offered him the opportunity to continue your relationship living apart, which he totally rejected.

Although he said he would still have 'no strings' sex with you whilst looking for his next permanent partner. 🙄

You are actually a winner.

You have won a calm, clean, safe environment for your DS, and yourself.

You have won more money in your account for you and your DS now that you are not subsidising him and his children.

You have won freedom from trying to contain the chaos of his poorly-disciplined children in your home.

You have won an end to wishing he would stop gaming and go for a walk with you, or come to bed at the same time as you.

You have won an end to the constant disappointment when he doesn't give you what you need.

You have won the opportunity to one day meet a man who will be an equal loving partner.

So feel the pain, but see it for what it really is.

And see yourself for who you really are - the compassionate, insightful, strong, decisive woman who inspired me to coin the phrase What Would Pithy Do? 🤗

💐💐💐

Just AS the OP.

@PithyBeaker

That was a nicer message, and sends like a very you message, than I suspect most of us would send.

It felt hard because you know it might upset him. Causing upset when you have tried not to but in the end has to be done is upsetting.

(if you are going to be in when he collects things can someone else be in the house for you not necessarily in sight just there?)

You mention him responding wirh weds/thurs in your final message @PithyBeaker . How can he do that if he's blocked?

Well done pithy, you’re getting there. Constant contact feeds the addiction any you’ll be surprised how quickly you feel much better when it stops. It’s hard at the start but I promise it gets way easier. Protect your peace

Well done! You’ve definitely made the right decision. He’s awful. BUT you are nearly rid of him.
You are mourning the relationship that it could have been which is totally understandable. If you wobble, just go back and read the first thread. What advice would you give someone who posted that? You are worthy of that same advice.

Sending you strength.

While it’s not the same as physical abuse, imagine opening your door to a man 30 times a day and he slaps you in the face, tells you it’s your fault, and then keeps coming back.
You are upset now because your mind has been hijacked for weeks. You were actually quite calm when it first happened because you knew it was the right thing. And you mistakenly thought he’d grow up a bit, sort the flat, and look after his kids.
That’s not happened.
He has worked his way into your mind and messed around in there. You should not to that to anyone, but to do it to someone with PTSD is another level of cruel.
A loser? You are a fantastic woman, with a gorgeous home, and a beautiful son.
How is he? I bet he’s enjoying the peace.
I think you are being too generous letting this man in your home. You have ended contact by message but he will think he has an ‘in’ seeing you in person.
If he has to call, have someone with you as a buffer.
If you stay in this, and think well it’s better than having no one, we can see each other but live apart, he will be relentless.
It is tough, but you have to be tough now.
And in a while if you can afford access some private trauma therapy which includes EMDR.
I am going to repeat this - he does not love you.
He has no idea what it is.

Honestly Pithy, He will either not come on those days, or dither & prolong.
You need to leave his stuff OUT of the house, & be OUT yourself.
You should not see him, he’ not going to suddenly BE the person you need.
You want it all back, the mirage,
You are addicted to the Promising person you thought he was.
He wants back in, because it was better for HIM.
You KNOW you dont want his kids back, You kniw you tried talking to him about what you needed. He didnt listen then. He isnt listening now.
Do not see him alone. You are self sabotaging this

I agree don't see him alone, I don't think he has ever taken you seriously that the relationship is over, and may now be desperate. Desperate, abusive men are unpredictable and need to be treated with extreme caution. Many years ago I assured myself I had the measure of a desperate, abusive man, and I paid the price.

I think it will also be worth looking into something like the Freedom Programme or equivalent. I noticed in your initial threads you repeatedly stated this man is not a monster. Well no, monsters exist in fiction and folklore, often as cautionary social tales, "If you do x, monster will bring about consequence y." This guy wasn't a monster... he was worse, because he was a living embodiment of a dark shadow cast both on you and your son, and literally turned your house to shit.

He verbally and emotionally abused you (i.e., calling you a cunt, harassing you and weaponising your trauma against you), not to mention, employing a flying mummy monkey as an accomplice. I think it might do you some good to untangle mourning the fantasy while coming to terms with the reality with the help of a professional. Mumsnet threads can be a great source of support, but often can only go so far.

Is someone able to link the previous threads please as I can’t find them. Thank you

I was going to block after he chose a day. Instead he started messaging other stuff so have now blocked. Don’t know what to do about Wed/Thursday, that isn’t happening. Thinking about calling a storage unit today. I’ll do it if I’m not going to get stuck paying for it. I want his stuff gone.

I think you can pay for a minimum period of time at a storage unit and then he can either take the storage over, collect it all before the paid period finishes or they dispose of it.

I think in terms of storage units, you can hire one for a month but it would be in your name and there would be a fee if you didn’t empty it after a month and didn’t clear it.
How much stuff is it? Could you hire a man with a van to take it to him and just send him one last message to say “It’s being delivered to you on x day, deal with if” and if he’s not in, instruct them to leave it outside for him?
Other option is just to get a house clearance firm to take it away and dispose of it.

I think PP are right, you don’t want/need him coming round and you want the stuff gone as quickly as possible.

Could you send the stuff to his mother since she wants to be involved?😇

Agree with PPs - if not too arduous, i suggest getting a male relative or friend to deliver his stuff to his mum’s at a time when you know she will be there. Just giving 2-hour slots on 2 days makes it too easy for him to argue that those times don’t work for him (though i understand why you did it). You might want to talk to the NCDV about a non-molestation order if this continues.

I'm so proud of you.

I've been following along. You remind me an awful lot of myself, and I'm so impressed at you getting out of the relationship. It took me a long long time to get there, but I can tell you now - getting on for a year out - it was absolutely the right thing for me. I'm so much happier and more confident. And you know what? I would 100% be at peace with never hearing from or about him ever again.

I don't know where you're at with this, but I really struggled with naming what was happening as abuse. I'm probably exaggerating, he's got mental health issues, he's got childhood issues, he's stressed about work, I'm the one who's the problem, he says I'm abusive... Anyway, I just wanted to offer you a few things I found helpful. Two books, Why Does he Do That? and Was It Even Abuse?. And Own My Life course, hugely recommended, I did it through Women's Aid, but there are online options too.

This man is dangerous because you dont think he is and won't get physical. He's constantly ignoring your boundaries. Have your doors locked. Do you have a garage you could put his stuff in? I did this with my exh and it minimised the time he was in the house. Your ex would have no need to enter the house at all. If thats not possible, put all his stuff in bags in one room on the ground floor. He then has no reason to access any other room. Please try to have someone with you.

Guys, his mum is on the other side of the country. Six hour round trip drive. Not happening.

put all his stuff in bags in one room on the ground floor

already done, weeks ago