Starting a fourth thread when I hoped three would be enough

[PithyBeaker]

really hoped I wouldn’t need this but looks like I do

Get a man with a van to deliver it - Tell him the time it will be there, then it's up to him to be in, or it gets left on the side of the road!

Yeah it might have to be this… bloody expensive though and I resent having to pay.

Isn't it worth your peace of mind to no longer have it hanging over your head?

Tell him what time he can get the stuff and make it a time when someone can be there with you. He's shown he ignores boundaries to keep pushing his case. Having another person present is your best defence from that. If he doesn't get things at that time, they go to the tip or charity.
He's not interested in a solution that works for you, only one that gets him what he wants.

@PithyBeaker
how much stuff is left?
volume wise
estate car boot load, small van?

It's worth getting a quote from Shiply - they're really great: you get loads of competitive bids from people and can read their reviews.

https://www.shiply.com/

Your final message said everything it needed to say.

Good luck 🌸

Unblock him.
Send a single message telling him that he lost his opportunity to choose the day his stuff would be leaving your house, that it’s going to be outside on [day] at [time], and that the Council will be uplifting any remaining items for disposal at [time+3hrs].
Block him again.
Have a friend with you at home that day.

Nearly there now! One final push.

You could unblock and say “I had to
block you because you were sending so many messages that were not arranging a day as requested. I will choose for you and say Thursday which will give you the most notice. Friend X and I will be in between the times I already gave you. If your stuff is not collected by the end of this time, I will have no choice but to dispose of it.” Reblock.

Or if it fits in a car

get a friend - you can’t do this alone

and take it to his - with back up

to draw a line under this

tell him you are coming over with his stuff
don’t tell him you won’t be alone

make sure the friend knows about his babble messages so they can say something if need be that indicates his communications aren’t private that others know about his harassment

and then job done

only if you can face it
I understand it’s a pain in the arse
but will take less time than prolonging this further

you know it has been delivered safely (take photos)

and can move on

@PithyBeaker you’ve given him a million chances. He’s blown every single one. Unblock him long enough to say his stuff will be outside from x date and he is to collect it by y date (24 hours). It can sit under a tarpaulin to keep it it dry. He’s had quite long enough and all he’s done is keep messing with your head. And it’s all quite deliberate - as you know.

You tell him it’s in the garden, he has to collect it by this date. Thereafter it’s up to him. End of.

ignore the nonsense he has sent and reply “which of the dates given will you be collecting your stuff? Anything uncollected by the end of this week will be disposed of, I can no longer provide storage.”

Don’t engage in the other stuff, you aren’t interested in that.

Unfortunately while you've got any of his stuff,in his mind he's still got one foot in the door.
A tenuous link maybe but he's desperate to wheedle his way back in.
I suspect you're going to have to bite the bullet and pay a man with a van to deliver it.
Alternatively if you've a shed or garage with room enough,tell him to collect it from there. That way you wouldn't have to see him if someone else could oversee the removal.
After so long it can legally be disposed of if not collected.

Unfortunately while you've got any of his stuff,in his mind he's still got one foot in the door.

I think that's it.

He has a reason to contact/come round & it's some control for him.

When you have doubts/regrets- remember he called you a cunt.

Having been through this with a friend, when a solution is rejected, it is often that the person is choosing, even if they are unaware, to keep that link with the abuser going?
I could hire a van but I resent paying for it?
It’s like asking someone who hasn’t had a drink of water for a week if they’d like a drink, but they refuse it because they don’t like the glass.
Sounds extreme, but it’s a theme I explored in therapy.
The cost of the van is minuscule compared with the emotional toll of what is happening here. OP’s mind is used as a dumping ground.
He is NEVER going to let go unless cut off at every avenue.
Even this morning, he’s not respected a word of that message.
Cut your losses, pay for the van or look within and be honest with yourself. Do you really want to cut contact or is there a part of you which hangs onto it, even though it’s hurting you?
I have been a bystander to such a similar situation, two years after my friend left, he’s recently blackmailed her and threatened her oldest DC, and she’s resumed contact because he’s found God.
It gets to the point where you lose good people. You are not my friend, this is nowhere near where you are but if you keep going it’s where it lands.
Pay for the van.

Consider it a severance fee; while you might resent it, it's a better price to pay than ongoing communication and will put an end to things once and for all.
PP are right, so long as his things remain in your home, psychologically, he thinks has a foot in the door.

I do think you need to prepare yourself for him to up the ante once he realises his things are out and you have blocked him. More from mummy dearest, poison pen letters etc. It's akin to a toddler tantrum, but in a male adult body. Please be careful.

Legally it’s his stuff. So check out your options. One is legal advice. ChatGPT is your friend here. And Citizens advice.. The last thing you want is a legal case against you.
Suggest two or three dates when you are both available in the next 14 days. If he is unable to attend those, be reasonable and listen to his counter suggestions. Be as flexible as possible! It could take up to 4 weeks but you can be patient! And paying for a van is nothing compared to the cost of this dragging on for months….
List all the items then hand over with a witness. He doesn’t enter the house to start arguing. You and two or three friends move it out onto the street. He takes it from there. Van guy loads it in. Job done.
If after all this he still hasn’t moved his stuff the law is now on your side. It’s legally abandoned. Even so you can’t just take it to the tip!

I think @Fleetbug is correct about covering yourself from a legal point of view - he might not pursue you legally for his stuff, but you don’t need the stress of his being able to.

I would think of paying for the van as a therapeutic payment - psychologically / symbolically it’s a price for the closure of the relationship. After that you are officially finished.

If you have a friend who will deal with these communications on your behalf - because he will not respect your boundaries - that might finally get through to him.

You haven't made a mistake and you are not a loser, far from it.

30 texts during one evening is abusive.

Hire a man with a van, text him the time/date and then block once and for all. You can't carry on like this.

I must say, this rings true for me.

IIRC, you earn six figures, and your outgoings recently went down. The cost of a man and van to sever final ties is surely cheap at the price. I think you should examine your reticence to do it. Is it because you want to keep giving him one last chance, at the eleventh hour, to prove he finally gets it? To prove he is more like the man you believed in?

He’s going to do literally anything to keep that stuff on your property, so either..

take it yourself.
leave it outside on Saturday and tell him it’s there.
get a storage unit.
put it in a friends garage and tell him to contact them to arrange to get it.

Im in Scotland so it might be different where you are, but to echo Fleetbug you need to protect yourself and give him reasonable notice.

That could be giving him one slot to drop by this week to collect his things, and a statement that if that isn't suitable it will be be put into storage for the next 28 days for him to collect at a time that suits him. You'd also need to be explicit about what happens if its not collected on time (ie. Its disposed of).

Its a shame you didn't give him a hard deadline when he first moved out so you could now move to something simple like "end of the week or its all going to charity" but I don't think you did? If not, the notice period would need to start from now.

@PithyBeaker Well done.
You absolutely made the right choice to cut off communication with him. He couldn't prove it any more strongly by trying to send more after your final msg.

A pp suggested setting a date to leave his stuff outside your property and telling him it would be there, "Collect or it is disposed off".
No date or time options given to him is the best way. Even if he doesn't collect it, it is done with.

I wouldn't put it past him to turn up at your address uninvited before any set collection date.

Don’t be upset about the loss of a man who didn’t really exist. If this was really going to work after he left he would have sorted out claiming his possessions as he knew that would make you happy, he would have stopped endless texts and just sent one a day about positive things he was doing to be a better parent and took responsibility for the break up not blamed you for it all and generally have had a personality transplant. He’s a good looking guy but not a man to share your life and home with.

I'd also add, ensure you have photographs of the current state of his property, because I wouldn't put it past him to do a Mercutio and proclaim 'a scratch, a scratch!' to continue the dialogue.

Annoying and expensive but I think it would be worth every penny to finally draw a line under this, and move on 💐