Starting a fourth thread when I hoped three would be enough

[PithyBeaker]

really hoped I wouldn’t need this but looks like I do

So then he was like well, im not trying to fix anything anymore, its obvious you don’t give a shit and haven’t missed me. He really has me convinced that this is all my fault, I’m way too fucked up to be in a relationship.

Think about why you're sharing this here. It's because he has twisted you round again, and you know it's not right.

It is very hard to be in a relationship with someone who distorts us.

The danger is that we start to believe the distorted reflection.

just quick rewind.... remember that he wanted your son to be shooed off at the w/e, making your house available for him & his horrid DC.
Pilthy, Yes, it's a pity he turned out to be a cock lodger. But you have done all the right things. He doesn't want a relationship with you, he wants to live off you.

Brush yourself down. Onwards & upwards.

Always take your own side in a fight! There is no point bending over backwards to see things from the enemy’s point of view and for the enemy’s benefit. No one else can live your life for you and you should’nt waste a minute more of your precious life entertaining his shitty opinions of you.

When you start to have those dark thoughts “I loved him more” or “he gave me so much” just STOP. Both are equally unhealthy and equally irrational. Either way you were mismatched. Just teach yourself the practice of radical acceptance of yourself and your life.

You got involved with someone and it was good for a while until it wasn’t. When circumstances changed your sense of the relationship changed and you got out.

He wants/he says/ he argues are all irrelevant. You aren’t together anymore for obvious reasons. Drop him into the past and face forward. No more recriminations. No one who loves you and wants the best for you would entertain his nasty attacks for a moment and you should love yourself enough to do the same.

What jumps out for me is that you had this amazing holiday with your son and he has tried to hijack your happiness the second you are home. Please don’t let him derail you.

You owe it to yourself to get him out of your head now. He has shown you who he is over and over. He’s not capable of being the man you hoped he could be.

Focus on yourself and your son and stop telling Mr Manipulator what you’re doing and where you’re going. Block this psychological and emotional drain on your life.

When I was 40 it was the start of working through a whole lot of stuff, and I was about halfway through the 5 years I was single. @PithyBeaker i am 48 now and have been so content for the last 3,4,5 years or even longer than that. My state is calm and I don’t have the mad swings of mood from elation to despair. I think it’s 70% down to the work I’ve done with different sorts of therapists (including IFS, compassionate inquiry, and yoga therapy) and maybe 30% having a safe, reliable partner. But even single, I’d be content now (and I say content as happiness is transitory, just like sadness) and far, far more contented and less angst-ridden than when I was in the terrible relationships I used to have when I didn’t think I was allowed to have boundaries. I was genuinely contented to be single once I’d left the terrible relationship behind (even worse than the previous one).

I wouldn’t have the safe, reliable partner I have now if I hadn’t done the work. Reading Lundy Bancroft was the first bit of work. IFS therapy was next.

You don’t need anyone but yourself, and one day you might choose to be with someone else, but it will be from a stable place and because they are worth you choosing them, not because you don’t feel enough on your own. You are enough.

I’m glad you had such a lovely holiday Pithybeaker.

This man is like a dementor. He will suck all your joy. Look at your holiday..honestly you sounded the happiest you ever have been (since you started posting) when you got back and suddenly you’re unhappy again! He says he misses you but I think he misses what you gave him. Very different. If he is narcissistic (as pp suggested), he will keep going until he finds a new supply or until you cut ties.

I think you’re misconstruing healing. When you were with him, you were stuck and kind of numb. The first step of the healing is to feel this raw tenderness. You do just have to sit with it. But every contact you have with him is picking at the wound and making it harder to heal. You have no reason to stay in contact now. It’s not helpful to you. Time to block. Not because you’ve ‘failed’, not because you’re cruel, but because it’s what you need to do to move forwards.

My son misses the kids. He doesn’t miss my ex. My ex says he misses my son. He is definitely my ex now btw. He changed his profile picture to one of just him (it was both of us before).

I know. I am staying at a mate’s this weekend and she said he proved your distrust was well-founded w how he acted when you asked him to move out, immediately saying I’ll find someone else and you can’t expect me to stay faithful. 😔

He very much has me believing the reflection that I am the one who chipped away at the relationship w my distrust and paranoia.

This is just what my mate said. She said either way you weren’t right for each other. And she also said someone can be both not a terrible person but also selfish and manipulative for their own interests.

Thank you. This is true. I don’t feel like someone who really loved me would use this against me. And he is leaving me alone, I think it’s really done. He has cut his losses this time. Changed his profile picture. Probably found someone else. I’ll be honest, when I saw the profile pic changed I burst into tears and was almost drowned in a wash of grief for the last five years and the good times. When he made me feel safe, he made me feel safer than anyone else ever has. I just feel so fucking devastated. I tried so hard and I really thought this was it.

I’m trying to not think about it and just have a nice weekend w friends. I’m trying to catch up on all of everyone’s lovely messages, I’m sorry if I haven’t responded ❤️ pls know that I read everything and I’m so grateful for you, esp now I really feel at my very lowest, yearning for and missing him even after I asked him to leave and know we aren’t right but I’m just so sad.

So sorry to hear all this, Pithy. I’m glad you’re staying with a friend. Listen to her, she sounds like she has your best interests at heart. Unlike him, who only seemed to care about his own feelings and making you responsible for them.

Please don’t think he’s cut the chord alone. If you hadn’t originally, he’d still be at your home, fecking gaming.
It was you who did the really brave thing.
What he has done since then and in the last few days is just low-level, childish, shitty manipulation.
If you take into account your own loved ones and everyone on here, you have been very candid. And not one of us have said well poor him.
Even if he was the nicest man it was always going to be a tough ask to have this blended family.
Your DS not missing him says an awful lot. The kids I get, kids will get on even when they aren’t. But he will have sensed the atmosphere. He saw his own mum unhappy.
He will see his mum happy again.
I think you have been upset for so long but with a hint to him returning.
Now you are facing that it’s done it’s probably going to hurt even more, the way antibiotics can make you feel like shit before they start to work.
In time you will be able to take that there were positives and that some good moments.
I really do think it’s time to block him, though. One shitty weekend with the kids and he knows he can try and talk you around.
In your heart, despite everything, since you broke up he hasn’t been asked to come back and that says far more than changing a profile pic.
It is an adult trusting her instincts.

remember that he wanted your son to be shooed off at the w/e, making your house available for him & his horrid DC.

This.

He doesn’t miss my ex.

And this.

I agree with Jade. You have given us all lots of opportunity to see his side of things and defended him plenty. It hasn’t split the vote at all. There aren’t pages of people saying “I think you’ve been very unfair and that this is all actually because of your childhood trauma” are there? If anything, people have been exasperated at how much time and understanding you’ve been extending to him. You’ve given him way more than he deserves. Time will heal this wound for you, and you’ll look back and think “whoa, I was so besotted with that arsehole I couldn’t see the wood for all the many, many trees”.

I hope so. Right now I definitely can’t see the wood for the trees.

This too shall pass. The worst is well behind you now. It’s been inspirational to watch you expressing your rawness here but always bouncing back. PithyBeacon of inspiration!

Hi OP I’m so sorry you are still struggling. I can only say that you matter, you are important and your needs and wants and opinions are important. From everything you have told us when this man is comfortable in your house with his children, your needs took a back seat. He was happy for his children to run amok. He did little to make you feel cared for. You tried to raise concerns and you were ignored. This is how he wanted to live.
You know this isn’t love, it’s exploitation. And when he was confronted with consequences he decided to say it was your fault. Your PTSD. Your trauma.

Hes trying to break you down, make you question yourself and your decisions. Purely for financial and childcare reasons. How much would it cost to employ someone to care for his unruly children? Not even possible is it. How much would he have to pay for a larger place himself?

You are so convenient to him. And all he has to do is nag enough, bully, plead, bombard you with texts…he’s so close he can almost get across that threshold he thinks… just a bit more pushing and he’ll be back where he was.

And this time he will never let you throw him out….imagine the anger he has with your actions, the entitlement, the blame he will throw at you back in your house. You will be punished for this episode in one way or another, once he has reestablished himself and now knows he can play the PTSD/trauma card any time.
Thats what his “love” looks like from all you have told us Pithy. Manipulation, bullying and entitlement for purely self serving ends. You deserve so much better. Stay strong in these dark nights… please get some IRL help too. Glad you are with friends

@PithyBeaker

I’ll be honest, when I saw the profile pic changed I burst into tears and was almost drowned in a wash of grief for the last five years and the good times.

Completely normal. But the day will come when you are able to remember the good times with a smile and an appropriate level of 'nostalgia'. I'm now able to do that looking back on my 38 year marriage. The good times are now sweet in my mind and I can 'leaf through them' without pain. Doesn't mean I am ignoring or have forgiven the bad, I haven't. I simply feel that I'm not going deprive myself of happy memories simply because a man who shared them with me turned into a shit.

I’ll be honest, when I saw the profile pic changed I burst into tears and was almost drowned in a wash of grief for the last five years and the good times. This is partly why people block. It saves us from unecessary hurt and also tricking us into believing we still want the person when really its just jealousy, insecurity, grief at seeing signs they are moving on. We dont want them but we dont want new person, or signs they are dating etc in our faces.
I wouldn't give my ex the steam off my piss - been divorced 8 years. I have nothing but negative feelings for him (the man was a monster). He is getting remarried soon which I heard about from my kids. It stung a little when I heard but was fine. I have never seen a picture of her or met her and I never will. If I did - especially their wedding day - I can guarantee it would bring up weird feels. Its just human nature. Its false feelings though. I choose to protect myself from that. If I had seen things like that in first few months it would have floored me and made me doubt myself.

I feel you need to be more protective of yourself @pithy. Blocking is an act of self-love and self-protective. Especially in the early days. You deserve to be happy.

Reading “Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. I think it was a rec from @outerspacepotato ? He is Demand Man, Mr Sensitive and Victim. Strongly see him in these descriptions. 😔

Im so sorry you are having to face this painful reality. Of course you had some good times. But the everyday actions over years are what concerns you now. This new “ADHD” excuse is an insult to those who suffer this condition and yet somehow manage not to be not selfish twats! His aggressive and unpleasant “wooing” style - full of unacceptable conditions and peppered with passive aggressive insults and put downs- just horrible.

Such an important book.

and you will get through this. And then you won’t feel this way, nor the lack of peace you felt before you asked him to move out. It will pass.

It’s a life changing book I think.