Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

I would bet he's cheating, and that the ow has no children 🙄

I have no idea if he is cheating but he is treating you appallingly. You work nights, have 4 children and he complains that you ask for some support!! WTAF. Get thee to a solicitor and start making plans for your future.

Isn't even that attractive? Seriously? Is that important? We are talking about marriage here, a union until death do us part. I don't think attractiveness comes into it.

So's the OW. Four children, including toddler twins! His relationship with her won't last the first stopover.

Sorry op reckon he’s got someone else but right now it’s best to concentrate on yourself and your kids. I would let him do 50/50 especially having toddlers you will get your free time then to take care of yourself. He’s just another twat on here there are so many of them. Like you said it will all come out has he got somewhere he can go temporarily does he go out a lot or work a lot?

That was in response to someone saying ''he's off with a pretty new woman" (or words to that effect. The OW can be anyone, is my point. It's the combination of limerance, weakness and flattery that's the important part.

As for 50:50, I'd say 'Good! You want 50:50? It starts now - and I am going away this weekend. You may have the weekend after off.' It will do you good to have a break from seeing his miserable face, and he will get a taste of what he's actually asking for.

I think I might love you a little bit 😀

Ugh he sounds dreadful, not pulling his weight and making out that you are the problem, not his lazy arse.
Say nothing to him and get to a solicitor. Sort out your finances and see what’s possible re your living space.
Things will improve with time.

Mine was the same, in the end I had to confront him and managed to get to the truth that way It really hacks me off that so many of them can't even come clean about what is going on. I've not had one single friend whose relationship has broken at the behest of man where there has not been another woman on the scene. And they always try to turn the tables on the curent partner with an inventory of her failings and neglect which have driven him to this. I am so sorry OP but I promise you will survive and then you will thrive, it is just so shocking and horrible in the early stages.

Pick mes who think they’re so irresistible not even a married man can say no to them.

This! 👏🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼

And he's not doing 50/50 now, the rotten pig.

I agree. Funny how he's never mentioned it until 7 weeks before he wants to leave

It's always the same.

I took would push back and tell him 50/50 is a great idea! Which bit of the week does he want?

If he won't leave start trying to find somewhere for you and the DC. You can build the next lovely home without him.

I know it's hard. He's picturing a lovely carefree life with another woman and you're playing catch up. I really hope he steps up with the DC. Its so unfair.

I agree with others, it's highly likely there's another woman, waiting in the wings. If you already haven't done so, where possible stop doing things for him eg. Laundry. I doubt very much your husband has thought of the practical side of actually parenting 50/50....unless he's got his 'bit on the side' lined up to be doing it for him!! You need to 'grey rock' him going forward. Cool, calm indifference. Remember that your husband is no longer on your team, he doesn't have you or children's best interest at heart.

Ungrateful bastard.

OP, change all of your social media passwords and email and eabsolutely everything you can think of immediately please.

This is DARVO. Agree with PPs who think he’s cheating.

I know this feels like the end of the world now but in the long run you’ll probably be happier without him. My ex has to pull his weight far more now he has our son on his own than he ever did when we were together, meanwhile I get childfree time every other weekend to relax and see my friends.

Sadly this is likely to be true. I suddenly couldn’t do anything right at home, turned out there was an OW

But why is a married father still living with his family a sexy option?

Gaslighting bastard. Sounds as though your life will be a whole lot happier without this utterly selfish prick. Hope you have some ral life support, hang on in there better times ahead.

This happened to me: he was cheating.

finding issues with you
being cold and hostile
personality change
making a big deal of a minor issue from YEARS ago - scraping the barrel for your faults
had small children, he wasn’t getting enough attention

Sorry OP, I agree with everyone else. I bet there’s a OW.
Every single time I’ve heard of abrupt changes (including in my own relationships) the answer has always been the same: there’s someone new lined up.

I don’t actually think I know a single male friend or acquaintance who separated without having already someone new. Men either seem to be left or only leave if they found a replacement.

He’s actually been abusive towards you by making you out to be the bad one because you dare to question his priorities.

I also think he’s met someone - he seems exactly the type to cheat.

You deserve better 💐

I’m so sorry to hear this OP. Please remember you have done nothing wrong. It’s all on him X