Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

Holy shit now way! I'm sure your mam loved working nights 🙄Some men really are beyond the beyonds

I’ve only read the first page of responses but I’m going to add mine, which is the same as 90% of the others: he’s cheating. It really is like they’ve all been given a playbook. I was where you are 2 and a half years ago and honestly, apart from the effect it’s had on the kids (and that I get far less of them than I want), it’s the best thing that could have happened. You don’t know yet how much easier it’s going to be doing it alone than it is doing it whilst being furious at the knobhead who thinks they can just go to bed early/lie in until whenever they want. I’d place money on you having never been controlling for a minute because I was accused of it too, when I had never said no to my ex going out or working an overtime shift or anything. All
I’d done is the same as you and repeatedly begged a supposed ‘partner’ to step up and do their share. You’ll be fine, OP. Not immediately, and there’ll probably be more than a few shitty days in the months ahead, but one day you’re going to be so relieved this happened, I promise.

I can’t believe how many of us have been through the exact same thing. No wonder it’s called the script! Mine was almost identical. He suddenly became cold and distant and said he “hadn’t been happy for a long time”. He also accused me of resenting everything he liked (which mostly involved sitting in a bedroom “making music” or drinking and listening to music with his mates like a 40 year old teenager). When I asked if there was someone else he acted like it was the most ridiculous question in the world.

I tied myself in knots trying to make him happy. I let him do whatever he wanted, stopped asking for help around the house, bent over backwards to keep the peace. At one point he even told me he appreciated all the effort I was making! Turned out he’d been having an affair for over a year. Him and the other woman bonded over the fact that they both liked dogs and the same music.

I’m about 7 months ahead of where you are now, OP. It’s still awful at times, and I still grieve the marriage I thought I had and the future I wanted. I wonder where the man I married went, and who this stranger is that replaced him.

BUT I’m also free from the constant anxiety and hypervigilance of wondering what’s going on behind my back. It’s also much easier knowing I have to do everything alone than doing everything alone while someone else sits there contributing nothing. I really hope you can get to the bottom of what’s going on. As awful as the truth was for me it was a relief to know that actually he was the problem all along and I wasn’t crazy or paranoid like he made me out to be.

I can only help with the darkness, start finding light- listen to songs you loved, watch films, read magazines and books, play with the kids. Go into the bathroom and bawl crying or stay up late and cry- let it all out. Giant hugs op, he should have talked about all of these things with you as they happened, they built up and now he’s having that man menopause thing and he’s being an idiot and not realising everything you were for him. I don’t know if it’s another woman, it honestly may not be, but the one thing I will say is unfortunately you can’t even see him as a friend/ confidant at the moment, he took your trust away and unfortunately in times where you might both get along he might use some of it against you in the future so be wary. See will he talk, but also just be a bit careful, the best thing I heard on mn is so so sad and remember he’s no longer your friend.

Antidepressants aren’t addictive! What a load of bollocks.

You're right, it's all so ridiculously familiar!
I feel like I could have written any of these posts, including yours!
It's like these men all read the same cheaters' handbook.

He's either having an affair or can't deal with the amount of kids you have and wants to live the single life with no obligations.

OK, if he won't move out but wants to end your relationship, he can start doing everything for himself in the house, plus childcare, because he needs to get used to 50:50, doesn't he.

I'm so sorry this has happened @mummy917 Stay strong.

I am sorry OP but my immediate thought was “cherchez la femme” (look for the other woman in this).

Your husband is blaming the victim. Controlling, my arse. No wonder you're depressed if he's doing sod all around the house and finding fault with you to boot.

Get legat advice and take control. This will get better.

Thank you to everyone who has replied, I have just gotten round to reading them all and definitely feel much less alone than I did!

I feel as though over the last 2 weeks I’ve had time to kind of accept what was coming, so I’ve used those times where I’ve felt “okay” to start getting things in order.

Someone did ask if I’d had previous mh issues before. No I haven’t, this I know is a complete stress reaction/depression and the SSRI has been beneficial in helping me function day to day, helping with the physical sensations of anxiety and I’m sleeping slightly better now.

I’m so sorry so many of us have gone through the same things, you are all so strong! I honestly don’t think I’ll ever find out for sure if there’s someone else, he’d never admit to it.

I will look into claiming financial help again tomorrow now I’m aware I can do it while he’s still living here.

I don’t recognise him at all, he’s a totally different person from even 2 months ago. A few of my friends have mentioned a midlife crisis but he completely denies that and says he doesn’t think they exist xx

They are not physically addictive but several studies have shown that they are psychologically addictive, so people think that they cannot stop taking them.

You're being very strong op. These weeks will be a roller coaster of emotions so I'm glad the medication is helping.
You don't need to prove there is someone else. There is. So remember to bare in mind when you interact with him that this is a man who is capable of lying to you and hurting you. It'll help you navigate your way through while your whole nervous system is screaming at you that he is your husband and your safe space x

Well of course he thinks that they dont exist, because if they did then he would be a ridiculous cliche of a man who is having a mid life crisis and wants a young GF to make himself feel young again. Instead of the special man he is who is truly "finding himself" after being trapped by you........

As Charlotte Dobre puts it....he has been drinking the delulu lemonade!

🤗

sorry, but I agree 'cherchez la femme'

i know it's very hard to believe, but you'll be a new person in no time when you haven't got him bringing you down xx

yell him he can have 50:50 he'll last 5 minutes!!

he just wants to avoid paying CMS.

So glad to hear you're shot of him and can laugh about it!

Call his bluff on the 50/50. He probably likes the idea of paying no child maintenance but won't at all like the idea of solo parenting completely on his own for half of the week! Wish him luck and say it will be nice for you to have some time for yourself when the kids are with him.

I agree there'll be someone else. Tale as old as time. After nearly 2 decades on Mumsnet it's extremely rare on these kinds of threads that there isn't another woman. The cheaters script is very predictable too.

I read the first page.
So fucking predictable
Sorry he dropped this bomb on you and the children.

Weirdo..reported.

Im really sorry but I believe he is cheating men act like this when cheating. He will wake up but it will likely be too late to save your marriage.

Call his bluff on the 50/50. He probably likes the idea of paying no child maintenance but won't at all like the idea of solo parenting completely on his own for half of the week! Wish him luck and say it will be nice for you to have some time for yourself when the kids are with him.

@Polkadotpompom I'd be sorely tempted to make a sample schedule of when he's having the children over the coming weeks (based on 50:50) and present it to him, just to see his expression.

Oooooh YES PLEASE! Where have you been all my life? How many kids you want?

https://www.youtube.com/watchv=cx_UUcYkQLw&list=RDcx_UUcYkQLw&start_radio=1

1

Cherchez La femme.

Ok, stop asking him for explanations and start:

• asking him for his moving out date
• hus preference for which days are his 50/50

Sorry you are going through this. Time to take control. Let’s see how he likes the reality. And if he wavers, you stand firm. You know you deserve more.